JOY OF LOVE | 1984
Transcript
00:00:00Today is the first day of school.
00:00:16Mom says senior year is magic because that's the year she met Dad.
00:00:20I don't expect to meet the man I'll marry or anything, but it'd be nice to be swept
00:00:25off my feet, consumed by passion.
00:00:55I want experience, my own experience, oh I want experience, my own experience, oh
00:01:10Most boys are telling stories about the things they do
00:01:15They want a reputation, another notch on their belt tonight
00:01:22That's all they're living for, it's just a frustration
00:01:26I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to hear about it
00:01:32I just want to find out for myself
00:01:36I want experience, my own experience, oh
00:01:42I want experience, my own experience
00:01:53Don't be late to your first class.
00:01:57I won't.
00:01:59Meet me here at three.
00:02:02Hi. Hey Melanie.
00:02:05How you doing?
00:02:06I'm so nervous.
00:02:08Listen, you've got to get your own wheels, man.
00:02:11You're not going to snag any guys if your dad drives you to school every day.
00:02:14That's all there is to it.
00:02:17Shit!
00:02:19Shit, man!
00:02:30This is our senior year, Les. It's time to cultivate a new image.
00:02:33I was just reading that preppies are out and yuppies, young urban professionals, are in.
00:02:37Maybe we should go on the pill.
00:02:40It's Douglas. Douglas Daldorf.
00:02:44Les, there's Max. Oh, what a species.
00:02:47Oh, is that Hindenburg?
00:02:52Check it out.
00:02:53Mel, you don't even have to, I mean, do you remember to take your vitamins?
00:02:56Can you imagine having to take the pill too?
00:03:06Here, don't forget your retainer.
00:03:08Thanks.
00:03:11Bye, Daddy. You don't have to pick me up tonight.
00:03:15You want some bubblegum?
00:03:17Oh, yeah, thanks.
00:03:21She made an appointment with her guy?
00:03:23Why did he take the pill?
00:03:24At least your mom talks about it.
00:03:26Mine just left a book about the birds and the bees on my bed.
00:03:30She must be new.
00:03:32I already hate her guts.
00:03:35Yeah, there is something strange about that girl.
00:03:41Girls!
00:03:42Hey, man, it's not like you're unique.
00:03:44A lot of guys our age haven't been laid.
00:03:46Look, I gave her a couple of these and she raped me right in the jaw.
00:03:50That guy looks 14, Max.
00:03:52Yeah, he's probably hallucinating.
00:03:54Everybody's getting it with me.
00:04:04She's got to be new. I couldn't have missed those.
00:04:08Alan!
00:04:14So, did you get laid this summer?
00:04:18Max, how do you feel, buddy?
00:04:20Good, good.
00:04:21Hey, Max, who's the shatter?
00:04:23Oh, this is Farouk. He's staying at my place this semester.
00:04:25Oh, shit! All right!
00:04:28Give me five, man.
00:04:30All right, I give you five dollars.
00:04:32No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
00:04:34Give me five, that's a greeting.
00:04:37It's like this.
00:04:42I get you now, Max.
00:04:45Come on, give me five.
00:04:49Give me five, all right?
00:04:55It's very funny to be here in the United States.
00:04:58Yeah, right.
00:05:06You catch a new principal?
00:05:07I heard he used to run a military school.
00:05:09What a jarhead.
00:05:11More like a potato head to me.
00:05:13Carp.
00:05:14Hey, Max, how's it going?
00:05:16Good, Carl. You like America, huh?
00:05:21Attention.
00:05:23Attention, please.
00:05:25Make sure the bell is rung.
00:05:31This semester, we will be studying animal reproduction.
00:05:35We will start with single-cell organisms,
00:05:37and we will progress through the animal kingdom,
00:05:39focusing on the reproductive cycles of Spirogyra,
00:05:43flatworms, squids, cats, and that.
00:05:46Maybe an older woman.
00:05:48I'm sure you'll all share my breathless excitement
00:05:51as we strip away the mystery surrounding the biological process of reproduction.
00:05:56May I tell you, class, that in your enjoyment of this class...
00:05:59I sincerely believe that one...
00:06:01Hi, I'm Liz.
00:06:02Simpson.
00:06:03One must do biology.
00:06:04What class is that for?
00:06:05So, let us embark on this adventure.
00:06:07Let us begin our first laboratory experiment.
00:06:09All right.
00:06:10Just sort of something I picked up.
00:06:12Looks like it might be good.
00:06:14Stephanie Graham and Mill Table, Station One.
00:06:18Jackie Freeman and John Bergdahl, Station Two.
00:06:22Alan Hall and Leslie Hindenburg, Station Three.
00:06:27Alan Hall?
00:06:28Yes, Alan Hall, you're at Lab Station Three with Leslie Hindenburg. Thank you.
00:06:33In front of you...
00:06:34Hi.
00:06:35Hi.
00:06:38I'm sure you all share my awe at the way a single cell can reproduce and reproduce again and again.
00:06:44Like the Osmond family.
00:06:47Even the most innocuous of looking substances can be, well,
00:06:51they can be teeming with fertile microorganisms.
00:06:54I will now come around to every couple and give you your very own bread molds.
00:07:01Hey, it's lunch time.
00:07:03You got any peanut butter molds to go with this?
00:07:06What else?
00:07:09Some salami mold and some lettuce mold.
00:07:15Look who's coming.
00:07:18Alan, will you light my Bunsen burner?
00:07:21I don't think I can handle it alone.
00:07:25Alan, will you light my Bunsen burner?
00:07:31Oh my God!
00:07:37Nobody scored a meal on my first babysitting job.
00:07:40But your father drove by the house every hour?
00:07:43Only to make sure no boys were hiding in the bushes.
00:07:46And if Dixie D-cup doesn't move it, we're going to be late.
00:07:49Jenny!
00:07:51Don't I just shout?
00:07:53Hello there.
00:07:55What about dinner?
00:07:57I'm on a diet.
00:07:58Sounds like anorexia to me.
00:08:00Does your pitiful existence have to revolve around bugging me, twit brain?
00:08:04Mom!
00:08:05She called me a twit brain.
00:08:07There are better words in the dictionary, Leslie.
00:08:10What kind of people are these stonemans?
00:08:12Who cares? We're spending the evening with their infant.
00:08:16I'm going to call you every hour or so, make sure everything's A-OK.
00:08:19Bye.
00:08:20Bye.
00:08:22Because you never know when you'll take a blow.
00:08:26It's so quiet when the girls are gone.
00:08:29You'll get that 24-hour protection and comfort.
00:08:32When you use the test screen...
00:08:52So then she asked me to light her bunsen burner. Is that a good sign?
00:08:55Sounds hot to me.
00:08:57Who's me? What, are you waiting for a formal invitation?
00:09:01Maybe files are a bad subject or something.
00:09:04My own brother, a sexual retard.
00:09:08All I think about all day is sex.
00:09:10That's a good sign.
00:09:12I mean, I look at everybody and I think they know what it's like.
00:09:15I've got this huge black hole in my life, you know?
00:09:20No.
00:09:22Why are girls as horny as I am? It's just not fair.
00:09:25Yeah, what can I say?
00:09:26Sex is a stacked deck and women hold all the cards.
00:09:29Better get used to it.
00:09:31Thank you.
00:09:34About time I put this goddamn machine out of its misery.
00:09:44Bad attitude.
00:09:46Good arm.
00:09:48Feeling better, sunshine?
00:09:50I wish I was dead.
00:09:52I know.
00:09:58Well, Dr. Renata's got just your prescription.
00:10:01Look, I just tossed my cookies, okay?
00:10:03I mean, enough is enough. Really.
00:10:08She's a slow starter.
00:10:11There's a tiger in her tank.
00:10:14That guy wrote the book on how to strike out.
00:10:18Bet he's been laid, though.
00:10:19Your time will come. Think positive.
00:10:21Now, what about your biopartner?
00:10:23Leslie Hindenburg's my biopartner.
00:10:26Coach Kong's daughter?
00:10:28Hope she's not built like her old man.
00:10:30No, she's a fox.
00:10:31So hit on her.
00:10:35You're right. I like your nose where it is.
00:10:38These are supposed to be the best years of my life.
00:10:41Maybe if you weren't blonde or something.
00:10:44Still be stuck with the same geeky guys.
00:10:48Wait a minute, Les. I see a ray of hope.
00:10:50God, the man of my dreams is alive and well on KBBZ.
00:10:54God, what a turn-on.
00:11:03He's a little too Kendall for me.
00:11:05I mean, there's no pain or passion in his face.
00:11:08It's too perfect.
00:11:09Oh, I'm not about perfection.
00:11:12Ted Vincent, he's my man.
00:11:15You won't believe this. She's got a vibrator.
00:11:17Good work, Les. She's on a roll.
00:11:19What's it for?
00:11:21Curling your hair.
00:11:23I wonder if Ted's into electronics.
00:11:26Earth to Les.
00:11:27Listen, I gotta go. The Gestapo's gonna be calling.
00:11:30Checking up on me.
00:11:31Okay, I'll catch you later.
00:11:45Cancer?
00:12:01It's no joke, Mel.
00:12:03It looks exactly like a classic melanoma.
00:12:06Have you forgotten you're cold last spring?
00:12:08And you swore it was TB.
00:12:10It was a severe case of strep melanoma.
00:12:12And besides, melanoma's different.
00:12:14For starters, it's almost always fatal.
00:12:23I haven't seen you in a long time.
00:12:26How's your mother?
00:12:27She's fine.
00:12:28Good.
00:12:29Now, let me check the area of the mole.
00:12:36I'm only checking for raised areas.
00:12:39Doesn't look like an ordinary mole.
00:12:41Doesn't look like an ordinary mole, does it?
00:12:43Don't be an alarmist, Leslie.
00:12:46I'm only checking for coloration.
00:12:50Oh.
00:12:53Looks pretty dark and sinister, huh?
00:12:55Now, now, Leslie.
00:12:56Although you're fair-skinned and light-eyed and prone to the ill-fated melanoma,
00:13:00this is only lent to go.
00:13:02Huh?
00:13:04Medical terminology for harmless spots.
00:13:07Prone to melanoma?
00:13:08Leslie, you're a very healthy young lady who worries too much.
00:13:11You can get dressed now.
00:13:14But if it would be reassuring,
00:13:17you could come back in a month and I'll check your entire body.
00:13:21Bye.
00:13:25I told you not to buy plants at gas stations.
00:13:27But she looked so healthy.
00:13:29Maybe if I talked to her.
00:13:31Talking can't save her now, Bernice.
00:13:33But she's not dead yet.
00:13:34It's only a matter of time.
00:13:36Granted, she's got a great pair of bulbs,
00:13:38but she's going to wither and die before the New Year.
00:13:46Are you all right, dear?
00:13:48I guess not.
00:13:51So I says to Porter,
00:13:52if you ask me, the foreign kid's not playing with a full deck.
00:13:57Never knows what team he's on.
00:14:00Says we all look alike.
00:14:03Dad, did I ever tell you how proud I am of you?
00:14:05I mean, even though I complain about how embarrassing it is to be in the same school.
00:14:10Everyone respects you so much.
00:14:15I give it my best shot.
00:14:18Leslie,
00:14:20your mother makes sure you get the four basic food groups
00:14:23and you're trashing three of them.
00:14:26Mom,
00:14:28it's so beautiful that every day you go to all this effort.
00:14:33It's just that I've lost my appetite.
00:14:36Well, that's very sweet, Leslie.
00:14:37Also very suspicious.
00:14:40Jennifer, you and I have certainly had our problems.
00:14:43Would it make you feel any better if I gave you my new silver bangles?
00:14:47The ones I'm not allowed to breathe on?
00:14:49Silver bangles aren't worth fighting over, no matter how expensive they are.
00:14:53I'll take them.
00:14:55You're welcome.
00:14:56I'll clear the table now.
00:15:03Am I the only one who finds this creepy?
00:15:09Your attention, please.
00:15:12This administration is not amused by the attack on our very own Venus in the Quad.
00:15:18You like this shit, huh?
00:15:20I like this shit very much.
00:15:23In America, it's considered the highest of compliments to say to your hostess after a good meal,
00:15:28thank you for the shit.
00:15:30And how do you say that?
00:15:32Thank you for the shit.
00:15:34Thank you for the shit.
00:15:36Hello, Farouk.
00:15:39Some girls go for the exotic type.
00:15:42Yeah, Farouk, let us know if she's a moaner or a screamer.
00:15:45Hey, I'd a screamer once she shattered her own glasses.
00:15:48Don't you guys talk about anything but sex?
00:15:50What else is there, Ed?
00:15:52Well, that's a tough one, Pittman.
00:15:54Don't pull a muscle working on it.
00:15:57Just stopped by to warn you that you're chairman of the Christmas dance committee this year.
00:16:02Tell me when you get the committee put together.
00:16:05Oh, feel free to resume your insightful discussion.
00:16:09Mutant.
00:16:11Yeah, another example of virgin brain rot.
00:16:13Don't let that happen to you, okay?
00:16:16How's it going, Farouk?
00:16:20Ah, don't look now, but here comes the lady that gives new meaning to the word hard-on.
00:16:25Ah, this is your lucky day.
00:16:27I saved this seat just for you.
00:16:29Sit on it, pal. Hello, Alan.
00:16:31Hi.
00:16:33Say, aren't you in my bio class?
00:16:35I hadn't noticed.
00:16:37Why don't you sit down and take a seat? I'm bad, but I don't bite.
00:16:39I do, I definitely bite. Come on, Alan.
00:16:46Hey, Alan, who's the guy with the bow tie?
00:16:50We got new friends with holidays, Hawaiian luau's, Vancouver cruises.
00:16:55Oh, everybody calls him Mushroom Malone.
00:16:56Mm-hmm. Bet I can guess why.
00:17:01Any student caught with a substance commonly known as wacky glue
00:17:05will be subject to severe disciplinary action.
00:17:08Score one for the wacky glue phantom.
00:17:10Explosion.
00:17:16You guys are making great deals. I love it.
00:17:19Hey, we don't do this, Farouk.
00:17:21No, I'm not kidding. It's great stuff. You'll love it.
00:17:24It's also unreal. I feel like I ought to do something.
00:17:28No, there's nothing anybody can do now.
00:17:30I'll just go on pretending nothing's happened,
00:17:34cramming a lifetime into three months.
00:17:37There's so much I want to experience.
00:17:40You mean?
00:17:42I always said I'd wait for the love of my life,
00:17:44but I guess I'll just have to settle for sex.
00:17:47I gotta know if it's worth all the time we spent talking about it.
00:17:50Bad news. My research says the first time's never the best.
00:17:54Unless you go for someone really experienced.
00:17:57But it might be sweet if it was the first time for both of us.
00:18:00It might be the pits.
00:18:02I've heard it's harder than it looks.
00:18:04Yeah, really? Two dozen Shriners with rubbers?
00:18:07Hey, later, babe. I think I just saw a majorly per-yapo.
00:18:11Let's go.
00:18:17She's weird.
00:18:19I hear they call you a mushroom. Got any?
00:18:22You want to speak up? They didn't hear you in Nevada.
00:18:25Well, I figured with a name like that, you must be advertising.
00:18:28I'm not advertising.
00:18:30I'm not advertising.
00:18:32I'm not advertising.
00:18:34I'm not advertising.
00:18:36I'm not advertising.
00:18:38Well, I figured with a name like that, you must be advertising.
00:18:41Would you sit down? It only takes one knock to ruin your whole day.
00:18:44Really?
00:18:49Gnarly.
00:19:02Doesn't this ever strike you as absurd?
00:19:04What?
00:19:05All these adolescents, desperate for human contact.
00:19:09You mean horny?
00:19:11Isolating themselves in their own little prisons on wheels.
00:19:14Like a thousand lonely little worlds doing a mating relay down the highway of life.
00:19:21Hey, catch that. Tits and drugs.
00:19:24Give me a break.
00:19:26Max!
00:19:28I love you.
00:19:30Pittman, you lunatic.
00:19:32You think too much. That's your problem.
00:19:33You could use a problem like that, Max.
00:19:38Leslie.
00:19:40Fate is calling you, Vest.
00:19:43I'm getting a busy signal.
00:19:45Think Max, Leslie.
00:19:47Sometimes he gets this look in his eyes.
00:19:50I mean, this is a man who knows where to find your G-spot.
00:19:53Oh, Mel, I couldn't find my G-spot.
00:19:56I kissed him once.
00:19:58In second grade.
00:20:00Oh, he was hot even then.
00:20:01He's not interested in me, Mel.
00:20:04Well, you gotta be gutsy, Les.
00:20:06Just call him up and ask him out.
00:20:08All I can say is, no way, Jose.
00:20:11Right, then I just die of embarrassment.
00:20:14Like what have you got to lose?
00:20:20Hey, Max.
00:20:22How you doing?
00:20:24Is it too much to ask for someone dark and mysterious?
00:20:27Who reads and would talk about life all night by candle?
00:20:30I guess I'd better face reality.
00:20:32Boys are so immature.
00:20:34I'll get a diaphragm, settle for no-frills sex.
00:20:51Well, why don't you take the floor, Farouk?
00:20:54And I'll get the main dish.
00:20:55No, she means it's your turn to talk.
00:20:57Oh, uh, hey.
00:21:02I, uh, I like United States very much.
00:21:09Uh, the people, very, very funny to meet me.
00:21:17Sit down, Farouk.
00:21:19I have a question for you.
00:21:21What is it?
00:21:22Sit down, Farouk.
00:21:24I have spent all day preparing your favorite native dish, Farouk.
00:21:31Stuffed beef heart.
00:21:43You know, this make me feel funny to be here with you.
00:21:48In America, my new family in United States.
00:21:52What can I say to you now, as my best friend, Max?
00:21:55Teach me to say...
00:21:57Thank you.
00:21:59Thank you very much for this shit.
00:22:08They're all wacky glutes, sir.
00:22:11Damn terrorists.
00:22:13This means war, no quarter given.
00:22:23Salam alaikum.
00:22:28Oh, hell.
00:22:30Is Farouk here?
00:22:32He's always late.
00:22:34It's Farouk, coach, and it's prayer time in Mecca.
00:22:38Listen up!
00:22:41It took a long time to get funding for this new wrestling mat.
00:22:48I want to see you treating it like your mom's best carpet.
00:22:53Carpenter!
00:22:56Hey, don't hurt him, carp.
00:22:58Get him, carp.
00:23:02First time I did it was on my mom's best carpet.
00:23:06Left some rude rug burns on my knees.
00:23:08Small price to pay, I'd do it on asphalt.
00:23:11Oh, I like paying with your pleasure.
00:23:13Hit on the Hindenburg.
00:23:15She's the pleasure and he's the pain.
00:23:17Leslie, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers.
00:23:23Hold!
00:23:25Since you don't need to listen to this,
00:23:28why don't you demonstrate a takedown on Pittman?
00:23:31Coach, he outweighs me by a hundred pounds.
00:23:35This is ridiculous.
00:23:37Easy, I don't want to hurt you, Pittman.
00:23:41Come on, you guys.
00:23:43Say no sock hop.
00:23:45Come on, come on, come on.
00:23:47Blood.
00:23:49Get the lead out. Come on, now.
00:23:50Come on, now.
00:23:52Oh, shit.
00:23:55Get a load some out. Get some towels.
00:23:58Stop that bleeding.
00:24:00It's too late, coach. I think he's dead.
00:24:02No, you idiot.
00:24:16Hey, how about it, Max?
00:24:18Do I have the stuff to be a blue flamer?
00:24:20That's a nice car.
00:24:22How about a car?
00:24:24Well, Dad says I can have it back
00:24:26as soon as I pay for the paint job.
00:24:28So cop up the bucks and then we'll talk.
00:24:30Okay.
00:24:33Alan, do you think your brother
00:24:35could get me a job over at the Lorelei?
00:24:37Please.
00:24:39I'll see what I can do.
00:24:41I can hardly wait to see what happens
00:24:43when you meet the fascinating flatworm.
00:24:46Like the sea squirt, it can reproduce asexually.
00:24:48Sometimes the tail decides
00:24:50not to follow the head and...
00:24:52Correction!
00:24:54The worm is torn in two.
00:24:56This is self-mutilation.
00:24:58Each part then regenerates a whole worm.
00:25:00Reproduction has taken place asexually.
00:25:03Oh, here he is.
00:25:05Eric March.
00:25:08Eric March,
00:25:10this is your fourth tardy this week.
00:25:12Please go to your lab station immediately.
00:25:14Yeah, we'll be cutting some worm.
00:25:18It's got an effect, man.
00:25:20Real new wave.
00:25:23Hey, yo, Hindenburg,
00:25:25why don't you sit down
00:25:27and take a load off your mind?
00:25:32Mr. Pittman!
00:25:34Mr. Pittman, please.
00:25:36Please give me that...
00:25:38balloon.
00:25:40You may now begin to mutilate your flatworms.
00:25:50So you're scoping out the new girl, eh?
00:25:53Who?
00:25:55The one with the X-rated bod.
00:25:57No, I was talking to Sharon.
00:26:03The guy's unconscious.
00:26:05She's all yours.
00:26:06You snooze, you lose.
00:26:08Go.
00:26:14So what do you think of Nixon?
00:26:16So far it's mayo and white all the way,
00:26:18and I thought Cleveland was straight.
00:26:20Well, try eating lunch on the football field someday.
00:26:23If the wind's blowing just right,
00:26:25half the town gets stoned.
00:26:27How about you, buddy?
00:26:29Do you puff up?
00:26:31No, that stuff kind of puts me to sleep.
00:26:33Uh-huh, no puff-puff, huh?
00:26:35You always look so spacey.
00:26:37I guess I'm just naturally hard.
00:26:39Hi.
00:26:41Well, that's okay, too, I guess.
00:26:43Excuse me,
00:26:45if people get stoned
00:26:47for doing something such as this,
00:26:49it seems cruel and unusual punishment.
00:26:52No, Farouk,
00:26:54getting stoned is like smoking pot.
00:26:56Grass?
00:26:58Yeah.
00:27:01My dad was talking about you last night.
00:27:02He said you're pro material.
00:27:04Yeah, I have a good arm.
00:27:06He says you really stand out,
00:27:08a real team leader.
00:27:10He said that?
00:27:12He treats me like pond scum
00:27:14because I won't go out for football.
00:27:16Oh, you got it all wrong.
00:27:18You remind him of him when he was younger.
00:27:20He really likes you.
00:27:22He could have fooled me.
00:27:24So I was thinking that
00:27:26if you're not doing anything Friday night,
00:27:28maybe we could go out.
00:27:30Well, yeah, that sounds okay,
00:27:32but Sam's in the shop.
00:27:34Well, that's okay,
00:27:36I'll pick you up my vulva, vulvo.
00:27:38In that case, you're on.
00:27:45Her vulva.
00:27:49So how'd you make out with Liz?
00:27:51I think she's a loadie.
00:27:53So?
00:27:55Just can't get the hang of these worms.
00:27:57There's less resistance
00:27:59when they're semi-conscious.
00:28:02We now return to Sam's time.
00:28:07Hello, Derek.
00:28:09Why, Max, this is a surprise.
00:28:11Can I get you a drink?
00:28:13Max, Max, I need to talk to you, honey.
00:28:15I am very concerned about Farouk.
00:28:18Now, he's been slightly under the weather lately,
00:28:21and I'm afraid he feels somehow different
00:28:24from the rest of you boys.
00:28:26Face it, Mom,
00:28:28how many guys at Nixon pray during fourth period?
00:28:30Well, as his AFS sponsor,
00:28:32he's feeling responsible
00:28:34for the way he'll remember the United States.
00:28:36These are impressions he will carry with him
00:28:38for the rest of his life.
00:28:40Perhaps you should ask him to join your bridge club.
00:28:42I want you to take him with you tonight, Max.
00:28:44I have a date tonight!
00:28:46And I don't know about in Abu Dhabi,
00:28:48but here in the good old USA,
00:28:50only two people at a time go out on a date.
00:28:52Farouk hasn't had one single date
00:28:54since he's been here, Max.
00:28:56Well, I can't imagine why.
00:28:58He's had more offers in three weeks
00:29:00than I've had in three years.
00:29:03Oh, hello, you must be Leslie.
00:29:05Hi, Mrs. Holt.
00:29:08Hi, Max.
00:29:10Hi.
00:29:12You know why did Farouk joins us?
00:29:18In Abu Dhabi,
00:29:20women sit in ass of car.
00:29:23Fascinating, Farouk.
00:29:30Peaceful bastards.
00:29:32Open your eyes.
00:29:35Open your mind.
00:29:39See the things I like to do.
00:29:51Is this our destination?
00:29:53Ah, yes. Peaceful pastures.
00:29:55Max told me all about this place.
00:29:57It's where people come, park the car
00:29:59and make sneaky sex, no?
00:30:03You might not believe this,
00:30:05but I come here a lot
00:30:07to meditate about life and death.
00:30:09Can we talk about something else?
00:30:24Um, in Abu Dhabi,
00:30:26we have a game.
00:30:28It's called,
00:30:30how you say it,
00:30:32Farouk, isn't it about prayer time in Abu Dhabi?
00:30:34No, no, no, sun is down.
00:30:36It's up in Abu Dhabi.
00:30:39Okay, I get you now, Max.
00:30:42I go pray.
00:30:44I go pray to coach not to find out.
00:30:52I thought he'd never take the hint.
00:30:55Let's not waste any more time.
00:30:59Leslie,
00:31:01this might not be the time to mention it,
00:31:03but, um,
00:31:06your father said that he would castrate
00:31:08anybody that laid a hand on you.
00:31:10Oh, you know he didn't mean it.
00:31:12Oh, well, um,
00:31:14me and the guys, we weren't sure.
00:31:16Max, we're all alone.
00:31:19We may never pass this way again.
00:31:21Let's not talk about daddy.
00:31:31Daddy!
00:31:44Oh, shit!
00:31:48It's about time he goes for my bra.
00:31:53Oh, my God, the hook's in the front.
00:31:56He'll never figure this out.
00:32:02Oh, God, now he thinks I do this for a living.
00:32:09My hip bone is killing me.
00:32:26Okay, looks like he's gonna take the plunge.
00:32:30Brace yourself for rapture.
00:32:33Oh, my God!
00:32:35Oh, Leslie!
00:32:37Oh, no!
00:32:39Oh, no, no, no!
00:32:43I can't believe this.
00:32:45My dad is gonna kill me.
00:32:47No, he's gonna kill me.
00:32:49Holy shit!
00:32:51Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go!
00:32:56Come on, you're slowing down, Holt.
00:32:59I told him.
00:33:01Leslie Hindenburg is lethal nookie.
00:33:04What a way to go.
00:33:08Come on, Holt, up!
00:33:10Get on, move it, come on!
00:33:12Cross over, come on, come on, come on, come on!
00:33:17And even if I do get off restriction before I die,
00:33:21no guy in school will ever come near me again.
00:33:23I think you're overreacting.
00:33:25You didn't see my dad.
00:33:27I mean, we're talking Godzilla on PCP.
00:33:29The Volo is demoed.
00:33:31And that's nothing compared to what he did to Max.
00:33:33Okay, write off the guys at Nixon.
00:33:35Who else do you know?
00:33:37There's always Richard from Fillmore.
00:33:40You mean Richard Pittman's brother?
00:33:42You guys broke up two years ago.
00:33:44Only because I wouldn't let him get past second base.
00:33:47I thought it was because he had the personality of a bobby pin.
00:33:51He wanted me desperately, Mel.
00:33:52And he doesn't have my dad for PE.
00:33:56Isn't that Liz?
00:33:58God, who would have thought her dad's a cop?
00:34:01No wonder she's so wild.
00:34:11You know what the estimate is?
00:34:13Twelve hundred big ones.
00:34:15She's been so angelic this past month.
00:34:18Doing the dishes without being asked.
00:34:19She even offered to polish my spoon collection, honey.
00:34:23A graveyard?
00:34:25What in the hell were they doing in a goddamn graveyard?
00:34:29They were teaching Farouk the American way of death, like she said.
00:34:32Now what would the three of them do?
00:34:35I know what I'd do in a graveyard with you.
00:34:41Oh, Lester.
00:34:43Lester, she's been so, so good.
00:34:46She's been so, so good.
00:34:52Young white male seeks bisexual white female twins with taste for Parmesan cheese.
00:34:58Check it out.
00:35:00You know, sometimes it's easier to do it with a stranger.
00:35:02You're not suggesting I'm this desperate?
00:35:04Nah.
00:35:06Just because it's date night USA and you're spending it with your brother here at the Lorelei.
00:35:10Have uniform, we'll travel.
00:35:13Experienced nurse seeks inexperienced male for hands-on training.
00:35:18Call Inga at 555575.
00:35:22Give me my zombie.
00:35:25Eight hours in this hellhole for $5.63.
00:35:30Cheer up, sunshine.
00:35:32Didn't Renata say something about a raise?
00:35:34Oh, that slimy cheese bag. He wants to talk it over in a room.
00:35:37Man, he tries anything.
00:35:39I mace his face.
00:35:42Look at it this way. At least the nurse would be enthusiastic.
00:35:55Hello?
00:35:57Hello. May I please speak to Inga?
00:36:00Yeah, this is Inga Borg.
00:36:02Yeah, I'm calling about your ad and...
00:36:06Yeah, sure. What is your name? How old are you? And do you have any infectious diseases?
00:36:12My name is Alan. I'll be 18 in June and I don't have herpes.
00:36:18Tonight is available. Can you get a room?
00:36:21Not now, Gunnar.
00:36:23Just come to the lounge at the Lorelei and ask the bartender for the room number.
00:36:28Goodbye.
00:36:34So, how does one go about getting a room?
00:36:38Give me a shooter.
00:36:40You know, I spent an hour on the john in 319 and it's still backed up.
00:36:45I have had enough of this roach motel for one day.
00:36:54319 is yours. Get the master key from Karp.
00:36:57Where is he now?
00:37:02Does that answer your question?
00:37:05I don't know what's keeping Inga.
00:37:06I'll go see if the coast is clear, okay?
00:37:15Good evening, Mr. Renata.
00:37:18Is everything under control, carpenter?
00:37:20It's all hunky-dory, sir. Except for the toilet, I wouldn't go in there if I were you.
00:37:24Carpenter!
00:37:26Sir, I can explain everything.
00:37:28So you've been talking to Sunshine. I really dig the bubbly. Nice touch, kid.
00:37:32I ain't a please, sir.
00:37:34TV working?
00:37:36Ship's safe, sir. I mean, ship's safe.
00:37:39Whatever, carpenter, whatever.
00:37:41When you see Sunshine, tell her Mr. Goodbar is waiting on her.
00:37:45Okay, I promise, sir. Have a swell evening now.
00:37:51Let it eat and let it bleed.
00:37:54Oh, I don't believe it.
00:37:59I'm a sentimental kind of guy.
00:38:03Kind of timid, even a little shy.
00:38:06God.
00:38:13I'm sorry.
00:38:15I'm sorry.
00:38:17I'm sorry.
00:38:19I'm sorry.
00:38:21I'm sorry.
00:38:23You're early, my little raisinette.
00:38:26Oh, no, I always come on time.
00:38:29Jesus.
00:38:31If only all women could say the same.
00:38:36You dressed up for Dr. Renata. I like that.
00:38:40You sound older than you did on the phone.
00:38:44Sunshine?
00:38:46Alan?
00:38:49What the hell?
00:38:53Frick.
00:38:55You want something else, Sunshine?
00:38:58On the house, of course.
00:39:00Okay, hit me.
00:39:04I have not had so much fun since Renata broke his pinky in the cash register.
00:39:12Too bad it wasn't a schlong.
00:39:18You respond well to discipline.
00:39:24No.
00:39:26Don't panic.
00:39:28Come on, you bitch.
00:39:31God.
00:39:32No.
00:39:39No, no, no.
00:39:44No, no.
00:39:47No.
00:39:52Are you all right?
00:39:55God damn you, carpenter.
00:39:56God damn you, carpenter.
00:40:11Male squid swims frantically, searching for a female tomato.
00:40:17The story of my life.
00:40:19Then the squid slips one of his long, supple tentacles deep inside his own mantle
00:40:23and withdraws several gelatinous packages of sperm.
00:40:28Commonly known as jerking off.
00:40:30He then thrusts his sperm deep into the female's body cavity.
00:40:35Mmm, how romantic.
00:40:38What happened to foreplay?
00:40:40The finale of this oceanic moochie.
00:40:43Yes, class. Unfortunately, all the squid expire.
00:40:48And Mac sounds like you in Hindenburg.
00:40:50Lights.
00:40:52Mr. Pittman.
00:40:54Simply breathtaking.
00:40:56Gave me goose pimples.
00:40:58Almost makes you want to be a squid.
00:41:01All right, class. Let's get to our lab stations.
00:41:08Hey, Liz. Where's your retainer?
00:41:11Shut up, kid.
00:41:13Max, Pittman says that the Blue Flamers are having a meeting at the drive-in this weekend.
00:41:18So?
00:41:20Well, I paid off the paint job. I mean, I can get my dad's car.
00:41:26Well, we'll take that into consideration, Carp, whenever we discuss membership.
00:41:29All right, class. Today, you'll start dissecting your very own squid.
00:41:33After removing its mantle, be sure to determine its sex.
00:41:36And class, please be very careful with the gonads. They're quite delicate.
00:41:41You actually ate one of those?
00:41:43Ah, squid. It's very good.
00:41:45With ink.
00:41:47Well, I'll try anything once.
00:41:48Anything? I'll take you up on that this weekend.
00:41:51You mean, like, go out or something?
00:41:54Well, I was thinking about it. There's something I'd like to talk to you about alone.
00:41:57It may be important. It's very important. It's more important than you think.
00:42:02Friday night okay?
00:42:04Perfect.
00:42:12Hello?
00:42:14Hello, may I please speak to Richard?
00:42:16Just a minute, dear.
00:42:19Hello, Richard?
00:42:21Hi, this is Leslie Hindenburg.
00:42:24Yeah, long time no see.
00:42:28The reason I'm calling is, is I got to thinking about how much fun we used to have together.
00:42:34And, and I thought maybe you'd like to get together, you know, for old times' sake.
00:42:40Like maybe this weekend.
00:42:42Oh, I think we have lots to talk about, you know.
00:42:46I've matured a lot, Richard.
00:42:49Sure, sure I'll return your Van Halen records.
00:42:52Okay, great. I'll see you then.
00:42:55Bye.
00:42:57Talk about hard up.
00:42:59Isn't he the one with the personality of a bobby pin?
00:43:02I've changed, Jennifer. I'm sure he has too.
00:43:05Now get out of here.
00:43:07Out, out, out.
00:43:08Fine.
00:43:14Michael, the girls in the flower brothel won't disappoint you.
00:43:18The car.
00:43:38Is there something wrong?
00:43:40I'm afraid so, Alan. I have something I have to tell you.
00:43:43It's mushroom alone, isn't it?
00:43:45No, it's worse than mushroom.
00:43:57Something wrong?
00:43:59Just hold me, Richard.
00:44:02Leslie, uh...
00:44:04You used to love it when I kissed your neck, remember?
00:44:08And I remember when you used to kiss my ears.
00:44:13It drove me crazy.
00:44:16Oh.
00:44:18When did you pierce your ears?
00:44:21Hey, fasten your seatbelts, flamers.
00:44:24I had Brussels sprouts, baked beans and date bars.
00:44:27Yeah!
00:44:29I had Swedish meatballs, lentil loaf, marinated artichokes, bonbons.
00:44:33We brewed with...
00:44:35Max, tell me now.
00:44:37What is this, blue flamers?
00:44:39I'm not who you think I am.
00:44:41There's a lot you don't know about me.
00:44:43A great deal, very much.
00:44:45Why pry? I know all I need to know.
00:44:47No, you don't know.
00:44:49I do know.
00:44:51You may not want to know.
00:44:53What could I possibly know that would make me know you better
00:44:55than I know you now?
00:44:57Alan, I'm a narc.
00:44:59Police officer.
00:45:01And I finished my assignment at Nixon.
00:45:03Mushroom and 36 others are going to be busted on Monday
00:45:05and I'll be starting over again somewhere else.
00:45:07Another high school, another district, another town.
00:45:09That's what it means to be a narc.
00:45:11You're the only one I'm going to miss when I'm gone, Alan.
00:45:14Those pill heads and potheads deserve what they get.
00:45:16A one-way ticket to the slammer.
00:45:20Is anybody going to know that it was me?
00:45:23Not unless you tell them.
00:45:25Oh, no chance in hell. I can keep a secret.
00:45:28I knew I could trust you, Alan.
00:45:30And I had to tell you because,
00:45:32well, even though I'm 30 and you're 17,
00:45:35I'm really attracted to you, Alan.
00:45:38Of course, having sex with a minor could get me off the force
00:45:41and I have my career to consider.
00:45:43But honestly, Alan, I get all hot and weak when I'm kissing you.
00:45:46Let's not talk about wasted youth, Alan.
00:45:49Kiss me again and the woman in me will throw this badge
00:45:51out the window and live for the now.
00:45:52Um, Liz?
00:45:54That is your name, isn't it?
00:45:56It's Kathy.
00:45:58Reagan.
00:46:00No relation.
00:46:02I think I just want to go home.
00:46:12Everybody got a light? Everybody a light?
00:46:14Light!
00:46:15Light!
00:46:21To the eternal blue flame.
00:46:23To the eternal blue flame.
00:46:25To the eternal blue flame.
00:46:29Max! Max!
00:46:39Wait, I think I've got one.
00:46:41Oh, shit!
00:46:43It's probably a little poop.
00:46:46Oh, my God!
00:46:48Look at that!
00:46:50He's on fire!
00:46:55You're sick! You guys are sick!
00:46:59I really want to make it up to you.
00:47:02Well, Leslie, you don't have to do that.
00:47:05But I want to, Richard. I want you.
00:47:07I want...
00:47:09I want to let you do everything I wouldn't let you do before.
00:47:12Everything.
00:47:13Everything.
00:47:15Leslie. Leslie, I'm...
00:47:17I'm involved with somebody else right now.
00:47:21I don't care if you marry her, Richard.
00:47:23I just want to have you once.
00:47:26Get her!
00:47:28Leslie, I can't.
00:47:30Yes, you can, Richard.
00:47:34Remember how you used to always...
00:47:37want me to...
00:47:39What are you doing?
00:47:41Leslie, he wouldn't understand!
00:47:43Leslie?
00:48:08Decent.
00:48:14What's wrong with me, anyway?
00:48:17I never break out.
00:48:19I use a deodorant.
00:48:21People say I have a cute personality.
00:48:24But my sex appeal is enough
00:48:26to turn my old boyfriend off women.
00:48:29I'm trying to be an easy lay.
00:48:32Doesn't that count anymore?
00:48:40Get your ass up here!
00:48:41Get your ass up here!
00:49:12Want to catch pneumonia?
00:49:30Is it my imagination or is Sharon Mondo pregnant?
00:49:34You don't know that for sure.
00:49:37Oh, yeah. Maybe it's just a tumor.
00:49:39It's not funny, Mel.
00:49:41No wonder who the daddy is.
00:49:43Moby Dick!
00:49:53That does it, Pittman!
00:49:55We're gonna see Porter right now!
00:49:59Okay, this is it. D-Day.
00:50:01All right, but listen now.
00:50:03I want you to remember, you're radio-miked.
00:50:05You got guys sitting in a van about two blocks from here.
00:50:07If you get in any kind of trouble...
00:50:15Sharon, what's going on?
00:50:17Oh, I'm leaving school.
00:50:19But Ted had acted like I was contagious.
00:50:22I said, look, buddy,
00:50:24there's no way you're gonna catch what I've got.
00:50:26You're kicked out?
00:50:28He said school policy.
00:50:30You can transfer to night school.
00:50:32I said, what about my job at the med center?
00:50:34He said, take it like a man.
00:50:35Fair. Ruin your whole life.
00:50:37Who's talking fair? We're in high school.
00:50:39Correction. I was in high school.
00:50:41So, uh, who's the father?
00:50:43Just a guy.
00:50:45He said, I can't deal with this.
00:50:47I said, let's go with me.
00:50:49Sharon, you don't have to tell me.
00:50:51It's too personal.
00:50:53Was it any good the first time?
00:50:55It wasn't great.
00:50:57But we did it again and it got better.
00:50:59Really? Wow.
00:51:02Do you really want this baby?
00:51:03Well, part of me says, what a drag.
00:51:06But another part of me says,
00:51:08you're a big girl, Sharon, you can handle this.
00:51:10And besides, then I'll have someone to talk to.
00:51:12God.
00:51:14I just wish the father would call every once in a while.
00:51:16He'll probably never see me now that I'm out of here.
00:51:19You're not out of here yet.
00:51:22What do you mean?
00:51:34Will you be helping us?
00:51:47I've been very selfish.
00:51:49I've been thinking sex was more important than anything.
00:51:52I want to leave my mark in this world
00:51:54and it's got to be more than a wet spot
00:51:56in somebody's back seat.
00:52:04Definitely the work of a genius.
00:52:06But is it art?
00:52:08Sounds like wacky glue to me.
00:52:18Certainly Sharon has a constitutional right to graduate.
00:52:21But she can do that at night school, as I told her.
00:52:24But she's not a threat to anybody else's education.
00:52:27High school is not a democracy, Leslie.
00:52:30Think of it as the Marines.
00:52:33Where the Russians take us seriously
00:52:35for letting non-coms call the shots, hell no.
00:52:38First they'd laugh their heads off.
00:52:42And then they'd air mail the big one.
00:52:45I don't want to start a war, Mr. Porter.
00:52:47I'd just like to see Sharon graduate with the rest of us.
00:52:50But you bend over to accommodate one individual
00:52:53and the next thing you know you can't sit down for a month.
00:53:00You know what's going on out there?
00:53:03No, I don't know.
00:53:16Tears of joy streamed from little Tammy Larson's one eye
00:53:20the other day when Santa Claus paid an early visit to her hospital bed.
00:53:23Potato Head has no principles, just regulations.
00:53:26Hold it, Les.
00:53:28The love of my life is speaking to me.
00:53:30A twinkle in Santa's eye will be just a memory for Tammy.
00:53:33Now there's a man with principles.
00:53:35You can see it in his eyes.
00:53:40Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
00:53:50I knew you'd understand, Mr. Vincent.
00:53:52It's a tragic story that needs to be heard.
00:53:55Me?
00:53:57I'm a highly placed person at Nixon.
00:53:59You could just think of me as Deep Throat.
00:54:04Meet you in person?
00:54:06At the Lorelei?
00:54:08All right.
00:54:11Goodbye, Mr. Vincent.
00:54:14Ted.
00:54:16Did you hear that?
00:54:18He said just call me Ted.
00:54:20Before he can kill you.
00:54:22Oh God, what am I going to wear?
00:54:25Think sophisticated, Les.
00:54:27If he finds out highly placed means a senior at Nixon
00:54:31he'll never lay a hand on you.
00:54:33You think I could pull it off?
00:54:35Let him do that.
00:54:42Leslie, I ache for that girl.
00:54:44But these days,
00:54:46it takes a fucking quadriplegic to bring those tear ducts in TV land.
00:54:50But even though she's not a quad,
00:54:52if you'd seen her cleaning out her locker,
00:54:54cleaning out her dreams,
00:54:56you'd break your heart.
00:54:58Hey, hey, relax, huh?
00:55:00Relax.
00:55:01Let's not start a downer here.
00:55:03Come on.
00:55:05Just relax.
00:55:07Surrender to your shoulder blades, Leslie.
00:55:10Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
00:55:15Dad, really?
00:55:17Esalen taught me to feel, Leslie.
00:55:20Now I suck up life like a newborn baby.
00:55:24When I make love,
00:55:26and I make love, Leslie,
00:55:28I don't screw anymore.
00:55:29I go all the way to infinity.
00:55:35I think you and I could find infinity
00:55:37maybe three or four times tonight.
00:55:40Excuse me a minute.
00:55:42I have to use the bathroom.
00:55:44Hey, I'll order a champagne for Blast-Off, huh?
00:55:47Oh, that would be wonderful.
00:55:56Hey, Mr. Dinko,
00:55:57we ain't running a daycare center here.
00:55:59But, boss, he's my kid.
00:56:01Okay, maybe the Sheraton's
00:56:03a better place for the Christmas ball.
00:56:05Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
00:56:07Why don't you tell me there's some business calls?
00:56:09Here, give my kid a drink.
00:56:11Hey, about time, Carp.
00:56:13I couldn't get the locker.
00:56:15302 needs a bottle of champagne.
00:56:17It's halfway there.
00:56:19No, it's right here.
00:56:21What kind of budget do you work in here?
00:56:24Wow.
00:56:25Wow.
00:56:27Ten pence?
00:56:29There you are, kid.
00:56:31Thanks, sir.
00:56:33Hey.
00:56:35Thanks.
00:56:37Sorry.
00:56:52You know, Leslie,
00:56:53people like that pathetic bellboy
00:56:55think I have everything.
00:56:57Nobody sees the heartache
00:56:59that goes with being so handsome and famous.
00:57:03Hey, just have a check-in by the 15th.
00:57:05And don't worry about the food.
00:57:07Our meatballs are the talk of the town.
00:57:09Especially a poison control.
00:57:11You found the way to his heart, kid.
00:57:13Where's Carp?
00:57:15I know where he is.
00:57:17Follow me.
00:57:24Oh, shit.
00:57:26He's in here.
00:57:38Jeez, I gotta fix this bastard.
00:57:41Carp?
00:57:43Come out, come out, wherever you are.
00:57:45I think he's in the back.
00:57:47You can't really hear anything back there.
00:57:50Carp?
00:57:52Carp?
00:58:04Ah, at last.
00:58:07I thought maybe you fell in.
00:58:10Ambrosia?
00:58:12Thank you.
00:58:13Thank you.
00:58:21Climb aboard the magic carpet.
00:58:34Yeah.
00:58:36Can we turn down the lights?
00:58:39Yeah.
00:58:41I just want to make it
00:58:43romantic.
00:58:47You're here, Leslie.
00:58:49That makes you special.
00:58:53Listen, don't be so uptight, kid.
00:58:56You got nothing to worry about.
00:58:58I simply want you to relax,
00:59:00lay back and enjoy.
00:59:02Just let old Roberta
00:59:04take complete charge here.
00:59:06Do I have a choice?
00:59:08No, the first thing we're gonna do
00:59:10is drop the drawers.
00:59:11It's okay.
00:59:13I can't, this is all wrong.
00:59:15I don't even know why I'm here.
00:59:17I thought you wanted to help Sharon.
00:59:19I do, but not like this.
00:59:21Now look, you do for me and I do for you.
00:59:23That's what good sex is all about.
00:59:25Oh, please don't.
00:59:27I really never thought it would come to this.
00:59:29Baby, you haven't seen anything yet.
00:59:31I'm gonna take you to Mars.
00:59:33I'm 17 years old, Mr. Vincent,
00:59:35and you can take it to Uranus.
00:59:37You're 17?
00:59:39And even if I never turn 18,
00:59:41it's all about your help.
00:59:43Hey, now look, there's no need to panic.
00:59:46You know, I'm dying to do that story on your friend.
00:59:48Pregnant, teenager, no future.
00:59:50Wow, what a hook!
00:59:55Like I said,
00:59:57there's too much to the atmosphere.
01:00:01That's okay, kid.
01:00:03Whenever you're ready,
01:00:05you know where to find me.
01:00:12You're just too much, woman Roberta.
01:00:17You're just too hot to handle.
01:00:26Oh, hi, tiger.
01:00:28Listen, sweetie, I'm over here at the lower line.
01:00:30I'm holding a ticket to paradise.
01:00:32Can you meet me in 45 minutes?
01:00:34Ciao.
01:00:35Ciao.
01:00:46Alan, what are you doing here?
01:00:48Just looking for the car,
01:00:50if he's never around when I need him.
01:00:52What are you doing here?
01:00:54My Aunt Tilly's coming to visit.
01:00:56She's a cleanliness fanatic.
01:00:58I was checking out the rooms, you know?
01:01:00Yeah, I guess so.
01:01:02Hey, you want me to walk you to your car?
01:01:03It seems that Mr. Bones
01:01:05is caught up in the holiday spirit.
01:01:09Highly amusing.
01:01:12He's stuck on you with wacky goodness, Bose.
01:01:17Leave him alone, he's blind.
01:01:19So much for Mr. Bones' humor, see?
01:01:33That man's cut himself pretty thin, eh, Max?
01:01:39That might have been a critical call,
01:01:41and now we'll never know.
01:01:43I've obtained a delightful film
01:01:45on the reproductive system of the horny toad.
01:01:47Please be advised that this material
01:01:49will be covered in Friday's quiz.
01:01:51Shh.
01:02:00Now that we've all had our fun,
01:02:02perhaps someone other than I
01:02:04might hoist the projector into place.
01:02:06Please, Ed, help me now.
01:02:13So hot!
01:02:20Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:02:22Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:02:24Whoa, whoa, whoa!
01:02:39Ready to roll when you are, Ms. Post.
01:02:41Close attention when the male
01:02:43mounts the female's back.
01:02:45At his touch, he releases thousands of eggs.
01:02:47I think that you'll see.
01:02:49Oh, hey, I've seen this one before
01:02:51at my cousin's stag party.
01:02:53You're an animal!
01:02:55You're people!
01:02:57You're all animals!
01:03:01Oh, Mr. Porter!
01:03:03Mr. Porter, I just can't take it anymore!
01:03:05I just can't take it!
01:03:07I can't take it, I want to go back to preschool
01:03:09where sex is a three-letter word
01:03:11that nobody understands!
01:03:13Easy, Ms. Post, get a grip on yourself!
01:03:15Earl, you better check it out.
01:03:16It was horrible, it was horrible!
01:03:18I mean, I know it's a natural function.
01:03:20Birds do it, bees do it, everybody does it.
01:03:22But it's all they think about,
01:03:24it's all I think about!
01:03:26Come on, snap out of it, Ms. Post!
01:03:28Come on, heads up, heads up!
01:03:30Shoulders back, shucking that gut!
01:03:32Yes, sir.
01:03:34You've got to stop behaving like a woman!
01:03:36In this outfit, you are an officer,
01:03:38you got that?
01:03:40Oh, yes, sir.
01:03:42Well, pull it together!
01:03:44Take that heel.
01:03:46I'll do my best, sir.
01:03:48Yes.
01:03:53Women!
01:03:57Our school system,
01:03:59it's designed to make productive citizens of our youth.
01:04:01Or is it?
01:04:03Did I miss anything?
01:04:05Ted Vincent's on, honey.
01:04:07Sharon attends classes at the med center.
01:04:09She is intelligent, she is ambitious,
01:04:11she is also pregnant.
01:04:13And there's the rub.
01:04:14I never see Sharon on the welfare role
01:04:16in attending classes at Nixon.
01:04:18Does the school system care
01:04:20that this destroys her dreams
01:04:22of a career in health services?
01:04:24But Sharon's classmates do.
01:04:26Meet the people responsible.
01:04:28Leslie Hindenburg and Melanie Taylor.
01:04:30Ms. Hindenburg,
01:04:32Community Close-Up would like to know
01:04:34why, in this age of apathy,
01:04:36you cared enough to get involved.
01:04:38I saw wrong and tried to right it.
01:04:40We hate all injustice.
01:04:42Weren't you worried that your actions
01:04:44would affect others?
01:04:46It just didn't seem important.
01:04:48I think what Ms. Hindenburg is trying to say
01:04:50is that she had the compassion
01:04:52to put her own future on the line
01:04:54for her friend.
01:04:56Not many of us would be so unselfish.
01:04:58Not many of us have only six weeks to live.
01:05:00Leslie wants to use her final days
01:05:02to do something for mankind.
01:05:04We'll be right back with more
01:05:06on this inspirational story,
01:05:08live and exclusively on Community Close-Up.
01:05:10We'll be right back with more news
01:05:12after a word from our sponsor.
01:05:14Thank you.
01:05:16What's wrong with your daughter?
01:05:18How the hell should I know?
01:05:20You're the doctor.
01:05:22Well, it's a harmless mole.
01:05:24She's not going to die.
01:05:26She's not?
01:05:28No, and I did not tell her she was going to die.
01:05:30You didn't?
01:05:32No, Leslie's fine.
01:05:34Good night.
01:05:36Somebody's got some explaining to do.
01:05:38I knew it was too good to be true.
01:05:40But I overheard Dr. Fox say...
01:05:42It's only a mole, damn it!
01:05:44He's got his mind out.
01:05:46If you tell anyone I'm going to live,
01:05:48I'll kill you.
01:05:50Hey, Leslie.
01:05:52Give me five, buddy.
01:05:54Hey, you did good, you know.
01:05:56I'm real proud of you.
01:05:58Thanks, Tim.
01:06:00I'm sure you'd have done the same thing.
01:06:02Hell no, I'd probably be too busy
01:06:04trying to get laid or something.
01:06:06Hey, Leslie, Leslie.
01:06:08You know, I was just thinking
01:06:10I'm really going to miss that look on your face,
01:06:12you know, when you get really pissed off.
01:06:14No lie, Allison.
01:06:16She never was going to die.
01:06:18That's what her little sister
01:06:20told my little sister.
01:06:22Hi, Candy.
01:06:24Thanks for the card.
01:06:26Hold on to it.
01:06:28Someday you might even die for real.
01:06:30Some people will do anything for attention.
01:06:39Hi, Mom.
01:06:41Hi, Leslie.
01:06:42I can't believe what you did
01:06:44telling everybody you were dying.
01:06:46I mean, everybody was saying what it is.
01:06:48I said, there goes a true friend.
01:06:52Well, well, well, well,
01:06:54if it isn't the girl who would not die.
01:06:58In Abu Dhabi, nobody dies.
01:07:01You just come back in a different body.
01:07:03Yeah, Annenberg.
01:07:05Next time, come back with a boob job.
01:07:07Now class, today we climax our adventure
01:07:10with a look at human reproduction.
01:07:12Unlike the promiscuous alley cat,
01:07:14humans may mate for love.
01:07:17In the process of careful selection,
01:07:19humans can increase the odds
01:07:21of passing on desirable genes.
01:07:25Thank you, Mr. Pittman.
01:07:27For instance, can you do this?
01:07:31You'll find that some of you
01:07:33can touch the tip of your nose with your tongue
01:07:35and some of you simply cannot.
01:07:37I can.
01:07:39Why don't you try and then look around
01:07:41Go ahead, try it.
01:07:43Hey, Leslie, glad to see you're still around
01:07:45to pass your genes on to some little Annenberger.
01:07:51Thank you, Mr. Pittman.
01:07:56It's all I can do to get out of bed
01:07:58and live through another day.
01:08:00When they started laughing, part of me died.
01:08:03All I can do is pretend I don't care
01:08:06and move to Outer Mongolia when I graduate.
01:08:11I can't stand the silent treatment.
01:08:13Yell at me if you want, but say something.
01:08:15Too late to kiss up now, rat face.
01:08:17As far as I'm concerned, I am now an only child.
01:08:19Mom's really worried about you.
01:08:21She and Dad are talking about shrinks.
01:08:23Unnecessary.
01:08:25Tomorrow night's the Christmas ball.
01:08:27Ask me if I care.
01:08:29But what if I don't care?
01:08:31What if I don't care?
01:08:33What if I don't care?
01:08:35What if I don't care?
01:08:37What if I don't care?
01:08:38Ask me if I care.
01:08:40But Leslie,
01:08:42you were doing a lot more living
01:08:44when you thought you were dying.
01:08:46Now that you're living,
01:08:48you act like you're dead.
01:08:50That's so heavy, I don't know if I can grasp it.
01:08:53I thought high school was supposed to be
01:08:55the neatest time in a girl's life.
01:08:57Whatever gave you that idea?
01:09:01I can't believe what my mother
01:09:03had to gall to serve for dinner last night.
01:09:05Roast lamb's head marinated in olive oil.
01:09:08Almost puke.
01:09:10Farouk, he loved it.
01:09:12What's somebody you're reading now?
01:09:16Whoa, we're talking serious desperation here, Alan.
01:09:22Can I see it when you're finished?
01:09:24I sure could use it.
01:09:26Don't make me laugh.
01:09:28No, no, really.
01:09:30Guess how many times I've scored this year.
01:09:32No thanks, it'll only depress me.
01:09:34Zero. Nada, zip, zilch, nil, and void.
01:09:37Farouk moved in and my social life moved out.
01:09:40I can't go anywhere alone now.
01:09:42Except for the john.
01:09:44Even that's not safe, the guy doesn't knock.
01:09:46I'm gonna die a virgin, Max.
01:09:48I'm looking forward to 50 years plus
01:09:51of today's celibacy.
01:10:07Yeah!
01:10:22Hey, Patricia.
01:10:24Hey, there we go, man.
01:10:26Come on.
01:10:28Sharp.
01:10:30Hey.
01:10:32Yeah!
01:10:34Woo!
01:10:36Woo!
01:10:49Hey, Hindenburg.
01:10:51You look a little pasty there, aren't you?
01:10:53Hey, I'm not gonna croak on us again, are you?
01:10:55You never cut me on the telephone
01:11:00You never cut me, I'm so alone
01:11:08Maybe someday, I'll get you back again
01:11:11There ain't no telling when I'm gonna be aware
01:11:16Maybe someday, I'll make you understand
01:11:19You could never learn, without me, no way
01:11:22No, I play guitar and I sing
01:11:38And you never
01:11:46You never call me
01:11:52Going
01:12:12I took your dancing on your birthday in hollywood. I don't like dancing, but I knew you
01:12:19You
01:12:22Make them that big and Abu Dhabi
01:12:25Test patrol, can you touch your finger to your nose cool it Mel? You want to get a foster ride me?
01:12:29I need I feel so happy max that give me good head
01:12:33Yeah, if only you could and the only thing I need to make this party just perfect. There's a beautiful woman to love me
01:12:40They're not hard to find if you look max. She might be just a step away. Just waiting for you to ask her to dance
01:12:49Oh
01:13:02Hi Leslie looking good. What's the punch?
01:13:15Okay, here we go
01:13:19Okay, oh yeah, oh i'm doing great have a good day
01:13:34You want to dance sure
01:13:49But you know you can't live without love anymore even trade car two of these babies for a room
01:13:55Those um, red pills give me hives
01:13:59Aren't you on probation? Oh, that's a point man. I can't party in public these days
01:14:04Hey miss post. Are you having a good time? Oh, yeah. Thank you very much. Mr. Holt. I am
01:14:09Mr. Holt might I have some of that ethanol tucked under your coat thing?
01:14:15Yeah
01:14:19You like it very fine
01:14:23Melanie I give you a box of candy and then you go out with me. All right. Thanks. Anyway, the chocolate makes me break out
01:14:34It's 104
01:14:49Great jeans
01:14:56Bells are giving me a migraine
01:14:59Excuse me
01:15:02What's your name dinko, mr. Dinko
01:15:08Would you like to dance with me
01:15:13I love this woman
01:15:15Love is a four-letter word. Guess who well, it sure ain't santa claus
01:15:46Oh
01:16:03No shit, I met some great connections at drug school you name it I can get it
01:16:10Oh, no, thanks. I never touched that stuff. Hey mellow out ed stein
01:16:16party
01:16:17Thanks. I like the view from here
01:16:23You gonna change your mind
01:16:29I mean it changed the way I looked at things like the meaning of life death and sex you left out love
01:16:36I didn't think I had time for that
01:16:39Yeah, me neither
01:16:41I just wanted to get laid
01:16:46Yeah
01:16:50When I was a girl we learned latin in school and sex in the streets
01:16:57Now, how are they gonna learn latin in the streets?
01:17:02Well, i'll have to think about that when mrs. Fish
01:17:05Will you excuse me just for a moment just a moment
01:17:16Oh, damn it
01:17:18Melanie you need new clothes. I buy your dress you go out with me
01:17:24See max. Farouk's got the right idea
01:17:27All you have to do is ask
01:17:29Give her an offer. She can't refuse
01:17:32Melanie
01:17:33I buy you
01:17:35Mercedes you go out with me
01:17:38Come off it. Farouk. You cannot buy her a mercedes. Yes, I can max I have uh,
01:17:44Word
01:17:45Four in abu dhabi and many many traveler's checks
01:17:49But then what are you doing riding around with me?
01:17:52I like you max
01:17:54Besides I have chauffeur in abu dhabi
01:17:56Oh
01:17:57Chief Farouk, I didn't know you were into expensive german cars
01:18:04Oh, okay, okay
01:18:06God, but from now on I set my own ships at 450 an hour plus
01:18:13Tips you got it
01:18:21Excuse me, it's the wrong room. Hey, buddy, you know where I can get some ice in this boots motel
01:18:31Now give me that bucket
01:18:34Give me the bucket. Oh
01:18:37Bucket you break it you pay for it
01:18:39Oh, hey car, do something this guy's got a burr up his butt. Give me the bucket
01:18:45Carpenter
01:18:49You know what's going on in here
01:18:59Man turn out the lights. Yeah, well i'm gonna personally turn out the lights on every one of you pups
01:19:04If you don't get the hell out of here, hey, mister, why so tense?
01:19:09I'm just gonna
01:19:14I'd still be in the closet if inga hadn't suggested they try a new therapy in the shower
01:19:19So when you're talking about it makes it seem less painful
01:19:23And see at least we're laughing about it. I mean it's cool. You always look so serious
01:19:27I didn't think you noticed
01:19:29You thought it took someone like liz to get your attention now if I look like her
01:19:34I like the way you look better
01:19:40Tell me
01:19:54Okay, you're gonna pay for this I'm gonna call the cops
01:19:59Hey carp, man, i'm really sorry. I just want to get some mice
01:20:09I know a good place to park. I'll park anywhere in a mercedes
01:20:16I want to make some toast for you
01:20:19Max my best friend in united states. I thank you for your hostilities
01:20:25There's nothing
01:20:27Yeah
01:20:28I owe max
01:20:29so many nothings
01:20:32I mean until tonight talking to girls was like
01:20:36relating to aliens from outer space
01:20:39I mean you seem to clue in what i'm saying before i've even said it
01:21:04Leslie would you like to um
01:21:09Come on
01:21:31Hey, what room was that 104 let's get up there you guys it's the police
01:21:39Time to boogie
01:21:57I don't believe this here
01:22:00I am all alone
01:22:02beautiful woman
01:22:04And I could be happy just talking all night long
01:22:07Oh, we could just talk no
01:22:37Me
01:23:04Let me work on this door
01:23:07To ensure privacy, what do you mean?
01:23:20You're the phantom I don't reveal myself to just anybody neither do I
01:23:37I
01:23:57Here's to this moment in my life when only my heart can say what's right
01:24:04I hear a voice from somewhere deep inside
01:24:12Here's to the person i'll become
01:24:15After the battle's finally won
01:24:19I can look back and say I gave
01:24:23My all
01:24:33You