A young vampire cannot lose his virginity because of a curse imposed upon him centuries ago.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
00:00:29hi.
00:00:59I just wanna rock you, I just wanna rock you
00:01:09I just wanna rock you, I just wanna rock you
00:01:29You know I just wanna rock you, you know I just wanna rock you
00:01:58You know I just wanna rock you, you know I just wanna rock you
00:02:08Rock you, rock you
00:02:38Rock you, rock you
00:03:09Who is it this time, mom?
00:03:11Well, I'm not sure yet, but I will know him when I see him
00:03:17Oh, I always forget
00:03:19Mom, I've always meant to ask you, how do you put your makeup on?
00:03:22Practice
00:03:23Ralphie, how do I look?
00:03:30You look great, mom
00:03:32Oh, that's why I love my Ralphie
00:03:35Oh, my boy, my boy, my good boy
00:04:05Hey, Ralph
00:04:22Ralphie
00:04:25What do you want?
00:04:28Come here and talk to me
00:04:31How's it hanging?
00:04:33Is that all you wanted, to ask me how's it hanging?
00:04:37Come on, Ralphie, I'm worried about you
00:04:40Couple of hours, it's gonna be Friday the 13th
00:04:43Let me guess, you have a headache, right?
00:04:46Right, and a sore throat, too
00:04:48And you think you're coming down with the flu or something really serious, right?
00:04:51Right, I just can't go through with this again
00:04:53Let me see your tongue, come on
00:04:56Come on
00:05:02That doesn't look too bad
00:05:04Is that a new retainer?
00:05:05Yeah, it hurts like heck
00:05:08I'm sorry
00:05:09I know, this legend thing is tough
00:05:11Let's take a moment and reflect
00:05:15Reflect, get it?
00:05:17Mirror, reflect
00:05:18God, I kill myself
00:05:20Reflect, real funny
00:05:23Sometimes I really hate that guy
00:05:25What am I saying? He's me
00:05:27I guess that means I hate myself
00:05:29Why am I confused?
00:05:42Vampires are so misunderstood
00:05:45Well, you gotta admit they got a bloodthirsty reputation
00:05:48Do I look bloodthirsty?
00:05:50Can't stand the sight of blood, I swear I faint
00:05:53What about garlic?
00:05:54I cook with it all the time, it's good for cold, did you know that?
00:05:57Let me see if I can get this straight
00:05:59Around the middle of the 16th century, you...
00:06:0117th, right, right
00:06:03Whenever
00:06:05A long time ago
00:06:07You met this girl, you fell in love
00:06:10But there was a problem, she had a boyfriend
00:06:13A pirate
00:06:14A pirate?
00:06:15Pirate
00:06:16Whatever
00:06:18Now, she loved you, right?
00:06:20So you were gonna slip off, get married
00:06:22Peg Leg finds out, has a shit bit and comes after you
00:06:25Pissed as hell
00:06:26I just established his mental state
00:06:31So there's a fight, Peg Leg loses his sword
00:06:33And what's-her-name gets killed by a blow to the head with a ham bone
00:06:36Mona, her name is Mona
00:06:38Whatever
00:06:40You tried to save her, but what could you do in the face of 20 pissed-off pirate friends of Peg Leg's
00:06:45Who were going to turn you into bat meat and so you beat him
00:06:48He escaped by the skin of his teeth
00:06:50Right
00:06:51And since she was killed before you could fulfill your preordained lack
00:06:54Before you could give her that final fatal kiss and turn her into a vampire
00:06:59Whatever
00:07:01She is now reincarnated every 22 years
00:07:04Until you two can get her right, right?
00:07:06Right
00:07:07And so tomorrow you are going to meet her as you've done every 22 years
00:07:11You'll fall in love
00:07:12And unless you save her, this crazed pirate with a rhinestone peg leg will kill her
00:07:17On Halloween
00:07:18You got it
00:07:20What are you going to do?
00:07:22I'm going to do what I should have done years ago
00:07:24I'm going to lock myself in my room and avoid this whole thing
00:07:27Well, you're not going to meet her
00:07:29You're not going to fall in love
00:07:31She's better off without me
00:07:39Man, that dude sure got the blues
00:07:51No!
00:07:55He just ran out in front of us
00:07:57Look, he's moving
00:07:59Are you alright?
00:08:01Oh God, Mona
00:08:02Why don't you watch where you're going? I could have...
00:08:05How did you know my name?
00:08:07I don't know your name
00:08:09You don't know my name
00:08:10Just pretend this never happened, okay?
00:08:12This never would have happened if you hadn't jumped out in front of my car
00:08:16I hope for your sake my gear isn't trashed
00:08:19You never saw me, okay? Because the next thing you know, we're going to go out on a date
00:08:22We're going to fall in love
00:08:24And then, some crazy pirate's going to peg you with a hand bone
00:08:34Hey! You forgot your hat
00:08:37A weirdo
00:08:45What?
00:08:46You ran away from her, didn't you?
00:08:48For your information, I didn't just run away, I had a plan
00:08:51Really? And what was that?
00:08:52I ran... I left, so she doesn't get involved with me
00:08:55She doesn't get involved with me, we don't fall in love, she doesn't die, get it?
00:08:58Make a left at MIT, Einstein
00:09:00It's about this, Mr. Wise Guy
00:09:03This happens every 22 years, so that means in the last 400 years
00:09:06I have met, fallen in love, and lost Mona 14.5 times
00:09:10Talk about coitus interruptus
00:09:12And every time it gets worse, this time, no way, forget it
00:09:16That's right, forget it
00:09:18Just forget the fact that we are the oldest living virgins walking the planet
00:09:22What are you talking about? You're the biggest slut I know
00:09:24Every time I see you with a different girl
00:09:26They mean nothing to me, Ralph, it's Mona
00:09:28I want you to get Mona
00:09:30That means I get out of this crazy mirror thing
00:09:33It's like a prison in here, Ralph
00:09:35Everything's backwards
00:09:37I knew it, I knew it, this is about you, this is always about you
00:09:40Wrong, Ralph Alpha, it's about you
00:09:43Because any way you look at it, she's got two weeks till she bites the big one
00:09:53What's wrong?
00:09:55Nothing
00:09:57I was just thinking about the accident
00:09:59Did somebody say accident?
00:10:01Yeah, we had an accident
00:10:03Just set it up over there
00:10:05What kind of an accident?
00:10:07My equipment damaged, I hope
00:10:09You know, I got a hell of a deal on this stuff
00:10:11When you're working with a guy like me, that's what we're talking, deals
00:10:13Let me just show you this little gizmo
00:10:15This is the most amazing device
00:10:17It samples anything from babies crying to dogs barking
00:10:20Hey, what's the matter with this thing?
00:10:22It wasn't this that got broken, was it?
00:10:23Broken?
00:10:24In the accident
00:10:25Stanley, it's not broken
00:10:27Besides, it was a car accident
00:10:29They're trying to rehearse
00:10:31Car accident?
00:10:32Nobody, uh, killed, I hope
00:10:34Hit it, boys
00:10:37Come to Stan Lee's, Stan's the man
00:10:40Come to Stan Lee's, Stan's the man
00:10:43Come to Stan Lee's, Stan's the man
00:10:47Come to Stan Lee's, Stan's the man
00:10:50Howdy, folks, Stan the man Wilson here from Stanley's Death Club
00:10:53Where we take the death out of dying
00:10:55This time it marks our heaven on our sale
00:10:57And let's face it, folks, it's a sale that some of you aren't going to miss
00:11:01Take a look at this, baby, the Streamline Death 2000
00:11:04Our top of the line, this week, yours for only $19.95
00:11:08A little steep, do I hear you say?
00:11:10Then how about going Dutch on our eternal economy model
00:11:13Only $100 over factory invoice
00:11:15How do we do it? Volume, volume, volume
00:11:18So, bring the family, come on down
00:11:20And while you're here, check out our revolutionally cryogenic process
00:11:23Open 12 to 12 for your shopping convenience
00:11:26See you here
00:11:29Come to Stan Lee's, Stan's the man
00:11:32Come to Stan Lee's, Stan's the man
00:11:35Come to Stan Lee's, Stan's the man
00:11:38Come to Stan Lee's, Stan's the man
00:11:41Come to Stan Lee's Death Club
00:11:48It was like I directed it myself, you know
00:11:51So, what do you think, angel cakes?
00:11:58I thought he was kind of cute
00:12:28Ralph, is that you?
00:12:51Trant
00:12:53Hi, Mom
00:12:54About time you got home, I was getting worried about you, honey
00:12:57Could you give me a hand with this?
00:12:58Yeah, sure
00:13:04You been here long?
00:13:05Oh, heavens no, I've been here, I mean, we've been here for hours
00:13:09Who's we?
00:13:10Well
00:13:11Hey, I've almost located that Spanish galleon, it's close, I can feel it
00:13:15Great, Jacques Cousteau
00:13:17Just follow that trail of the blooms, big Al
00:13:20Ah, big Al, this is my brother, Ralph
00:13:23Big Al Johnson, scrap iron, St. Louis
00:13:26Little Ralph Lavigne
00:13:28So, what's your game, little Ralph?
00:13:29Game?
00:13:30Yeah, what do you do?
00:13:31I'm a vampire
00:13:48You make me sick
00:13:50What? I'm clean
00:13:53This is, shh, no, not now, no, this, oh, I
00:13:59Deal with you later
00:14:06I was just going to bed, Mom, could you hit the light?
00:14:09In a minute
00:14:12So, tell me about your night
00:14:14There's nothing to tell
00:14:16Come on, honey, I know what day it is
00:14:19You met her, didn't you?
00:14:20I didn't meet her, I told you, I've had it with the legend ruining my life every 22 years
00:14:24Ralphie, where's your hat?
00:14:26I must have lost it in the car, card game, I lost it in a card game, Mom
00:14:32Well, okay, it's your legacy, you can do anything you want with it
00:14:36But whether you've met her or not, that poor girl's going to die in two weeks unless you do something about it
00:14:50Honey, go to sleep
00:15:20Every man meets a girl in distress
00:15:24Tattooed lips, clear lips, torn dress
00:15:33I can tell by how you look at me
00:15:38There's a lover in your eyes
00:15:42But my heart is under lock and key
00:15:46And it waits for you in praise
00:15:52So, break these chains on my heart, chains on my heart
00:16:00Only you can set me free
00:16:03Break these chains on my heart, chains on my heart
00:16:09I'll wait for you to rescue me
00:16:12And if it takes forever
00:16:15I will wait, wait, wait for you
00:16:42No!
00:17:07Is it true that you've forsaken the legacy and the girl of your dreams?
00:17:12What?
00:17:43Ralph, what are you doing?
00:17:46Ralph, answer me!
00:17:48I'm going to find her
00:17:49And do what?
00:17:50What do you think? I'm going to save her
00:17:51Yeah, I've heard that song before
00:17:53No, no, it's different
00:17:54I just have this feeling that if I don't save her this time, I'm going to lose her forever
00:17:59You're not exactly playing Major League Ball now
00:18:02What are you, zero for fourteen?
00:18:04Oh, excuse me, is it fifteen now?
00:18:06You're a total dick, you know that?
00:18:08You're going to go out in the sunlight?
00:18:10I'm protected
00:18:11Brave man
00:18:12How are you going to find her?
00:18:14She's in a band, how hard could she be to find?
00:18:16Ralph, there must be fifteen thousand bands in the Tri-State area
00:18:19That's a lot of ground
00:18:21How are you going to cover it?
00:18:22I'm a vampire, I'll fly
00:18:24No, no, no!
00:18:25Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
00:18:30Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow
00:18:43I think I'll take the bus
00:18:46What a loser
00:18:52Whoa there!
00:18:56Hey!
00:19:00Hey!
00:19:10Now come on!
00:19:14Hey Mona, hey, hey Mona
00:19:17Hey, hey, hey Mona
00:19:19Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:19:22Hey Mona, hey, hey, hey Mona
00:19:26Hey Mona, hey, hey Mona
00:19:29Hey Mona, hey, hey Mona
00:19:32Hey, hey, hey Mona
00:19:34Hey, hey, hey Mona
00:19:36Hey, hey, hey Mona
00:19:39I said to these
00:19:41I said to the West
00:19:43I said to all boys and all the rest
00:19:46I said, have you seen my Mona?
00:19:51Man, have you seen my girl?
00:19:56I can't say how and I can't say when
00:20:00But I'm gonna bring my Mona back home again
00:20:04I said, hey!
00:20:05Hey Mona, hey, hey Mona
00:20:08Hey, hey, hey Mona
00:20:11Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
00:20:14Hey Mona, hey, hey Mona
00:20:17Hey Mona, hey, hey Mona
00:20:22Hey Mona, hey, hey Mona
00:20:26Hey Mona, hey, hey Mona
00:20:30I said in the nightclub
00:20:32I said in the street
00:20:34I asked everybody
00:20:36Everyone I meet
00:20:38I said, have you seen my Mona?
00:20:40Hey Ralph, you wanna play some hoop?
00:20:47Have you seen a yellow brick road around here?
00:20:49Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
00:20:51What do you mean?
00:20:52I mean maybe I wasn't meant to find Mona
00:20:55Maybe this is just some sort of karmic debt I'm paying off
00:20:59Maybe, maybe my first instincts were right
00:21:02Maybe I should just forget about this whole thing and join a monastery
00:21:06But, what about Mona?
00:21:08What sort of everlasting hell am I damning her to?
00:21:11Maybe, no, yeah, no
00:21:14I should be strong, I'll be strong
00:21:16Hey, would you make up your mind?
00:21:18I'm feeling like Sonny and Cher here
00:21:21That's better
00:21:23I wonder if, uh
00:21:28Ralph, would you look at the size of this?
00:21:30Oh Christ, would you put that thing away?
00:21:33Listen, if you were meant to find Mona, you will
00:21:36If you weren't, you won't, so relax
00:21:45See what I mean?
00:21:47See what I mean?
00:22:17Can't release me
00:22:19This feeling inside
00:22:21I want to hold it
00:22:23I want to touch
00:22:25Feel your heartbeat
00:22:27I want you too much
00:22:30We could have a thing this way, not just, you know
00:22:34Just you and me
00:22:37Anytime you want more
00:22:39It's the key to my door
00:22:41I'm what you're waiting for
00:22:43Turn me loose
00:22:45If I'm losing control
00:22:47And won't do what I'm told
00:22:49If I'm too hard to hold
00:22:51Turn me loose
00:22:54Turn me
00:22:57Turn me
00:23:02Turn me
00:23:05Turn me
00:23:08Turn me
00:23:10Turn me
00:23:13Nothing more to explain
00:23:17Kiss me now
00:23:19Drive me insane
00:23:21In the dark
00:23:23Moonlit night
00:23:25Catch me
00:23:27In your arms
00:23:28Hold me tight
00:23:29Like a cool breeze
00:23:31When I'm hot
00:23:33You can free me
00:23:35Give me what you've got
00:23:38Don't tell me have a nice day
00:23:41If you can't make my night
00:23:44Anytime you want more
00:23:46It's the key to my door
00:23:48I'm what you're waiting for
00:23:50Turn me loose
00:23:52If I'm losing control
00:23:54And won't do what I'm told
00:23:56If I'm too hard to hold
00:23:58Turn me loose
00:24:01Turn me
00:24:04Turn me
00:24:08Turn me
00:24:12Turn me loose
00:24:33Turn me
00:24:36Turn me loose
00:24:41Turn me
00:24:44Turn me loose
00:24:49Turn me
00:24:52Turn me loose
00:24:57Turn me
00:25:00Turn me loose
00:25:03Turn me
00:25:06Turn me loose
00:25:11Turn me
00:25:14Turn me loose
00:25:19Turn me
00:25:32Turn me
00:25:34Turn me loose
00:25:49Oh my god!
00:25:50That's him!
00:25:51That's who?
00:25:52Where?
00:25:53Stay here
00:26:02I'm, I'm Ralph. I like your music. It's kind of wow, kind of now, kind of...
00:26:12Why are you following me?
00:26:14I'm, I'm not following you.
00:26:15Yes, you are.
00:26:16Okay, I'm following you. I'm a big fan of yours from way back.
00:26:20Who are you?
00:26:22I told you, I'm Ralph.
00:26:23No, I mean, what do you do? Are you a musician?
00:26:26Yes.
00:26:27Do you have a band? Or do you play by yourself?
00:26:30Um, yes.
00:26:31Yes, what?
00:26:33Yes, I have a band.
00:26:34What's the name?
00:26:36The name?
00:26:37Of the band.
00:26:38Um, we haven't decided yet.
00:26:41Oh, um, well, what kind of music?
00:26:44Well, the music, we're, we're not sure yet what it is.
00:26:48Well, do you play around?
00:26:55Excuse me?
00:26:56Your band, are you playing any gigs anywhere?
00:26:59Gigs? Yes, all the time. It's amazing, yeah.
00:27:02You are very strange, Ralph.
00:27:03You ain't a whoopin's.
00:27:04Mona, darling, I've got some terribly important people just dying to meet you.
00:27:07Excuse me?
00:27:08Would you excuse her?
00:27:09Yeah.
00:27:10Um, it was so nice to see you again.
00:27:12Maybe I'll come see your band sometime.
00:27:14Maybe.
00:27:16Who is that twerp?
00:27:19Hey, hey, little man.
00:27:22Can I help you?
00:27:24No, I'm enjoying this party.
00:27:25Hey, what's this?
00:27:26Ouch.
00:27:27Bounce him.
00:27:29Oh!
00:27:41Now, let me get this straight.
00:27:43You decided to find her?
00:27:45And once you found her, I turned into a blithering idiot.
00:27:50There was a moment there, when she was on stage,
00:27:54and her eyes locked.
00:27:58It was like time stood still, you know?
00:28:02What is wrong with me?
00:28:03I am a musician, and I'm a pretty darn good one at that.
00:28:06So, what happened?
00:28:09Let's face it.
00:28:10I don't have what it takes.
00:28:11How can I save her if I can't even talk to her?
00:28:14Maybe I'll see your band sometime, she says.
00:28:16What a joke.
00:28:21Why don't you...
00:28:22Why don't you...
00:28:24Start my own band.
00:28:29I don't know.
00:28:30I don't know.
00:28:31I don't know.
00:28:32I don't know.
00:28:33I don't know.
00:28:34I don't know.
00:28:35I don't know.
00:28:36I don't know.
00:28:37I don't know.
00:28:38I don't know.
00:28:39I don't know.
00:28:40I don't know.
00:28:41I don't know.
00:28:42I don't know.
00:28:43I don't know.
00:28:44I don't know.
00:28:45I don't know.
00:28:46I don't know.
00:28:47I don't know.
00:28:48I don't know.
00:28:49I don't know.
00:28:50I don't know.
00:28:51I don't know.
00:28:52I don't know.
00:28:53I don't know.
00:28:54I don't know.
00:28:55I don't know.
00:28:56I don't know.
00:28:57I don't know.
00:28:58I don't know.
00:28:59I don't know.
00:29:00I don't know.
00:29:01I don't know.
00:29:02I don't know.
00:29:03I don't know.
00:29:04I don't know.
00:29:05I don't know.
00:29:06I don't know.
00:29:07I don't know.
00:29:08I don't know.
00:29:09I don't know.
00:29:10I don't know.
00:29:11I don't know.
00:29:12I don't know.
00:29:13I don't know.
00:29:14I don't know.
00:29:15I don't know.
00:29:16I don't know.
00:29:17I don't know.
00:29:18I don't know.
00:29:19I don't know.
00:29:20I don't know.
00:29:21I don't know.
00:29:22I don't know.
00:29:23I don't know.
00:29:24I don't know.
00:29:25I don't know.
00:29:26I don't know.
00:29:27I don't know.
00:29:28I don't know.
00:29:29I don't know.
00:29:30I don't know.
00:29:31I don't know.
00:29:32I don't know.
00:29:33I don't know.
00:29:34I don't know.
00:29:50That was incredible.
00:29:52Just like my psychic says.
00:29:53Like death.
00:29:54It's just a stepping stone to rebirth.
00:29:56I mean, I think it was Nietzsche that said,
00:29:58I'm just living to die.
00:29:59And dying to live.
00:30:00Nietzsche said that?
00:30:01Did you said that yeah, you know Johnny Nietzsche that band Marvin Gandy and the monkey shot
00:30:07New Age reggae
00:30:09Take that back
00:30:11Okay, you're an egotistical student electoral money-grubbing slut
00:30:18By that
00:30:31I
00:31:01Oh
00:31:15With back wings
00:31:31If it wasn't for Red Cross donations this vampire would die
00:32:02Oh
00:32:19You don't neck on first dates that's his mother's advice
00:32:27So he stays
00:32:31Oh
00:32:35Orders Chinese take out some chow mein and a bowl of steamed rice, please
00:33:01I
00:33:31I
00:34:01Sound yours
00:34:25Still trying to figure out where I know you from you seem so familiar to me. Hey, it was a past life
00:34:30What relax that was just a joke. Listen, do you believe in vampires?
00:34:35That's very funny
00:34:48This is it
00:34:53Thank you for walking me home
00:34:55I
00:34:59Would you like to see me again? Yes tomorrow, okay
00:35:25You
00:35:30Where is that guy when you need him? Hey, mr. Rockstar, where have you been? We're not the only one that can start a band
00:35:47So
00:35:48So what so what's she like? Oh
00:35:52She's great
00:35:53It's really worth the wait this time groovy
00:35:57So did you get any any white, you know muff nookie poontang? You were so crass
00:36:02Is that all you ever think about listen Ralph? I don't have a love life of my own. So I want to share in yours
00:36:07Now start from the beginning and be graphic
00:36:11Forget it. You didn't score. Did you?
00:36:21Knock it off
00:36:26She did kiss me though, really
00:36:28Was it?
00:36:30Unbelievable slipper the tongue. It was on the cheek loser. You never stop
00:36:39You look cute where are you going out with who friends and when will you be back later?
00:36:52Oh, we're gonna have to have over for dinner, I'd rather not do that right now mom
00:37:02It's just that she's gonna be in for a big shock when I tell her and I want to break it to her easy
00:37:06I'm myself. I'm not ashamed of you. Mom. I love you. Oh
00:37:13Oh, I'm sorry, honey, of course, you're right
00:37:15But promise me you won't elope because I want a big wedding, of course, and you're not a mess
00:37:21You look better than most women a tenth your age. I
00:37:24Know you're a dear. I honestly don't know what I'd do without my boy
00:37:29Now, what are you standing there for now? You go off now. You have a good time
00:37:32You give Mona a big kiss for mommy. Okay. Bye
00:37:45You
00:37:55Want to know what happened that day Egon was married to this girl Mary
00:37:58I can't believe I forgot her name. Anyway, he had this girl posing for him. She was 16. She was gorgeous
00:38:04She was beautiful
00:38:05They started shacking up and the day that Mary found out
00:38:08She walked in on them and was gonna tell Egon that she was pregnant
00:38:11Well, did she leave it no gosh she's like this glutton for punishment
00:38:17Ralph how do you know about all this? I don't know why
00:38:22You were talking about it is I don't know if you had been there
00:38:26So that was like that was like over a hundred years ago. I couldn't have been a read it in our class. That's it. Oh
00:38:32You're a good storyteller Ralph. Yeah, I got a couple of doozies for you
00:38:41I
00:38:44See a girl
00:38:49Yeah, right, right my girlfriend I mean my ex-girlfriend
00:38:52Oh, I see her within the domain that little twerp. You should not call people names Stanley. All right. Sorry
00:38:59She thinks she loves me, but she really loves you Stanley. Really? Yes
00:39:05But she is under his spell spell spell Stanley for this is no ordinary man
00:39:12He's a vampire
00:39:14vampire
00:39:16Vampire Stanley yours is no ordinary destiny. I knew it don't interrupt
00:39:21It is your destiny to save mana. Yes, but how can I do it?
00:39:27Stanley your business is dead. Your life is dead. Your destiny is dead. You must kill her Stanley
00:39:34Yes, and then she will be all yours I could mount and stuff
00:39:44Yes, I see it I
00:39:46Could freeze her cryogenically. Oh
00:39:50She'll be mine all mine forever
00:39:54When do I do it? It must be done and Halloween, right?
00:39:58But there is one catch though. You must dress as a pirate a pirate
00:40:03Pirate with a rhinestone peg leg a rhinestone peg leg
00:40:09Rhinestone peg leg and you must dispatch it out with a I'm born and born. Okay
00:40:23Yo, yo, yo, yo homes, what's up, what's up? Oh not much, you know, I just been hanging with your wand indeed
00:40:32Whoa, that's some kick
00:40:41There was this girl named Mina she wanted Molina she was singing back for I can't even I liked her bangs
00:40:47She liked my fangs. So we decided to do the crazy Dracula thing now a father didn't like it
00:40:53So we called me a pig. I said, dr. Van helps to hear something
00:40:56You'll dig we can sing kumbaya around the campfire
00:41:02I
00:41:06Said I'm the vampire
00:41:21Now
00:41:23I'm like the road the border shorts who with some aid from the funky fresh rap. He'll accrue get to the fact
00:41:29I don't mean to be laughs, but I'd like to hear some of that premarital
00:41:36Dr. Van Helsing, I'm a puppeteer. I'm not Frankenstein or the Wolfman either
00:41:41I
00:41:43I'm the vampire
00:42:05Now the story comes to a close it ain't scary but it's more like the jam here toes Gina
00:42:11To my crib
00:42:15She made me a dish called the plate was the rack made with garlic and eggs and a gold-plated spatula
00:42:20You can read the commentary, but we have sapphire. He's the DJ. I'm the vampire
00:42:40I
00:43:07Am so proud
00:43:11And you must be Mona, oh
00:43:14Pretty you are this time. Yes. Yes. She is Mona. This is my mother. Hi. It's so nice to meet you
00:43:21No, no, dear. The pleasure is all mine. Oh, just let me look at you. Oh, it's so nice to see the two of you together
00:43:27Excuse me. Oh, yeah. Well, we have to be going
00:43:29Oh, well, I won't keep you but we must have moan over for dinner mom
00:43:32I would love to know Thursday night camp Thursday night Mona's videos premiering
00:43:37Well, we could go after Thursday night it is
00:43:41Well, I have to run now. I have a meeting with my lady social. It's pistol range
00:43:53Doesn't anybody go bowling anymore
00:44:06Oh
00:44:36I
00:44:57Feel like I've known you forever
00:45:06I
00:45:24Think the rain is stopping
00:45:36I
00:46:06It was always this way
00:46:36Oh
00:47:02These emotions
00:47:06If you call
00:47:36Oh
00:48:06Oh
00:48:36Oh
00:49:06Oh
00:49:37Wow
00:49:48I don't know, but it was definitely beautiful
00:50:06You
00:50:28You're wonderful, thank you
00:50:31Well, the kids are Mona's I know don't be so modest
00:50:36Listen Mona about dinner with my mother tonight. I don't think it's a very good
00:50:42More musical maybe death records, maybe just our IP. It's sort of catchy. Don't you think?
00:50:49Mona just terrific
00:50:51Congratulations, both of you
00:50:54Um Stanley, why are you wearing garlic around your mouth? Oh, this is in honor of Ralphie or should I say?
00:51:01Rocula pretty a pungent wouldn't you say Ralphie smells great. I love garlic
00:51:06Yes, you might say I have a stake in what happens to you
00:51:09I mean, I think
00:51:10Rocula is gonna take off like a bat out of hell
00:51:13The world is full of bloodsuckers and I would hate for anything to happen to you
00:51:17Have you ever seen one of these before?
00:51:21Yes
00:51:2418th century, right 19
00:51:32Okay, sure
00:51:34There's things about this guy that you don't understand
00:51:40Stanley I think
00:51:53I
00:52:24Shut up and let me think
00:52:29Everything you know what everything bad idea man bad idea
00:52:38Ralph
00:52:39Who are you talking to? Oh, no one myself. Well sort of I'll explain later Mona. We're having dinner at my mother's
00:52:48That's what I like about you Ralph. You're so decisive
00:52:54So the try attention
00:52:57Could I have your attention, please?
00:53:01Boy I have a little premiere of my own
00:53:11Mmm that mantra felt good
00:53:13Hi, I'm Stanley your guide into the other world
00:53:18Here at Stanley's Death Park, we believe in a holistic stress-free approach to the passing on process
00:53:25Just take a look at our new line in designer headstones
00:53:29Secretary forgets to remind you to bring flowers
00:53:32The XK mm is perfect for those with a busy lifestyle just 50 cents brings an all-natural floral surprise
00:53:39Mmm
00:53:46Just smell those chlamydia's and we'll quite happily donate ten cents of the proceeds to the charity of your choice
00:53:54Miss that nagging loved one no longer with the recorder 6,000. You just close your eyes and listen
00:54:02Harold have you been drinking again?
00:54:09Better than a wool hair coat and a crown of thorns
00:54:12Realistic don't take my word for it
00:54:16It's been three years since my lovely Chloris left me but with record of 6,000
00:54:22I have yet to miss her deprecating banter
00:54:27Thank You Elmo that was lovely now here's something new
00:54:32Relatives
00:54:34Disapprove of your lifestyle
00:54:36Invest in the rotary 600 the device that keeps those loved ones turning over in their grave
00:54:49Isn't that amazing and over here we have the very latest
00:54:55cryogenic technology it may well be the answer to everlasting life and
00:55:00While you're waiting to be reborn why not listen to your choice of subliminal self-help tape
00:55:05We have an incredible selection everything from meditation to the fundamentals of gold
00:55:10Learn a foreign language while you're waiting to be awoken from your everlasting sleep. Did you die a smoker quit while you're dead?
00:55:18Improve your karma knock off several lifetimes and awake a better person
00:55:24Get out that was the best bit
00:55:27Stanley I have been working my entire life for tonight, and you can't make a joke out of it Mona
00:55:36You you did it to me you fiend
00:55:54You all right, yes, I'm fine really Stanley's in love with you I know
00:56:03It wasn't just Stanley
00:56:06Ralph I was watching the video and suddenly I thought
00:56:10Is this what I had been working for my entire life?
00:56:15Three minutes. That's it. Just three minutes
00:56:20It just seems so
00:56:23Unimportant so temporary
00:56:28Ralph
00:56:29You before you say what I think you're gonna say
00:56:32Something you've got to know
00:56:34Hi kids mom. We were talking the legacy mom legacy
00:56:44It's nothing it's never mind, it's not what's for dinner
00:56:53Oh, thank you dear, but please call me Phoebe, of course, this is nothing like the palatial Chateau that we had when we were in
00:57:00the south of France
00:57:03Of course he did when was that Ralphie the 16th of the 17th century
00:57:09Napoleon mmm, could he throw a party? I was his favorite, you know mom and Mona your father the king was he
00:57:16The most handsome man you were the cutest little thing mom. What's for dinner meat potatoes?
00:57:22Who's asking?
00:57:31Ralphie this is my this is my son Ralphie and his fiance Mona. Oh
00:57:36His fiance the boom-boom Williams
00:57:39The terror of Tennessee you got a little fellow and if you eat all your vegetables you grow up to be big and strong
00:57:46Just like me
00:57:49We're a little late for that
00:57:51About about 300 years too late
00:57:54Nothing dinner is served
00:57:58And as for the father of our country, well, let me tell you he may have been hell on the battlefield
00:58:04But in bed, he was as wooden as his teeth. Oh
00:58:09Those were tough and lonely times
00:58:12Every day I get down on my hands and knees and I thank my lucky stars that I had my boy my Ralphie
00:58:19Ralphie baby, where would you like your coffee served in here or in the living room in the living room? Don't you think?
00:58:27Whatever you say love cakes
00:58:42Introducing the fabulous the
00:58:45Incomparable and the sexy miss
00:59:15I
00:59:45I
01:00:15Calling
01:00:45Oh
01:01:15I'm back again. And all I want to do is jam with my friends and jamming is what I'll do and I'll jam the house
01:01:42I'll jam it down on you
01:02:15You hear it calling
01:02:17Calling out your name
01:02:19That you will never ever be the same
01:02:25My mom's kind of strange he hadn't noticed this whole night has been kind of strange
01:02:37I'm gonna pull over
01:02:46Oh
01:02:53Mona would you give up everything for me your career your friends everything?
01:03:05I'm giving you a choice
01:03:15Ralph where are you going? Just follow me?
01:03:20What is with you, okay, you see these people they're dead I'm not
01:03:27But I'm older what Mona I'm a vampire
01:03:33Frankenstein no, seriously, Mona. It's the truth. I'm not a bad vampire. I am a bad vampire
01:03:38I'm not very good at it. I don't bite people, but I am a vampire
01:03:42This is a very common thing
01:03:46People begin to believe they're safe for science all the time. No, no, no. No, I don't think I'm a vampire. I really am a vampire
01:03:54Prove it. Look. Thanks. Hey
01:03:57Well, it's probably something that just runs in the family Ralph
01:04:01Besides I knew a girl in the eighth grade. She had bigger teeth than that. She wasn't a vampire Ralph
01:04:07You really should have those filed down though. Okay, all that stuff. My mom was talking about back at the house. It's all true
01:04:15Mona you are 422 years old. This is your 19th lifetime. You always die on Halloween night of your 22nd year
01:04:23Mona we were lovers 400 years ago and every 22 years since then and it always ends the same way
01:04:29And how is that you were killed by a pirate with a peg leg wielding a gigantic?
01:04:34Ham bone and then I'm reborn over and over I
01:04:38Think maybe you just need some therapy Ralph
01:04:42Okay, you remember this you said you did back at the house I do I remember that
01:04:491786 you owned it in 1786. You want to see what you look like? I'm not sure
01:04:59And here's you in 1918
01:05:01Okay, okay fine, okay, I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice then watch close
01:05:06I haven't done this in years. I'm not very good at it. So bear with me
01:05:17I
01:05:19Didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice then watch close. I haven't done this in years
01:05:23I'm not very good at it. So bear with me
01:05:31I
01:05:47It's okay react like this every time everything's okay
01:06:01All you have to do is make it to all sins day
01:06:04Mona you have no choice. I love you. You love me
01:06:06If you don't listen to me, you're gonna die and we're gonna have to do this all over again in 22 years. I don't love you Ralph
01:06:31I
01:07:01I
01:07:31Oh
01:08:01Oh
01:08:31Oh
01:09:01Oh
01:09:31Oh
01:10:01You
01:10:10Remove numbnuts
01:10:15Ralph huh your move
01:10:23I'm sorry. I just can't concentrate
01:10:25I
01:10:29Think about tonight
01:10:32Where are you going out?
01:10:36Don't forget your retainer I
01:10:39Don't need that anymore
01:10:50Well, are you quite sure
01:10:53No, I already have the costume what I want is a rhinestone peg leg. Yes. I know. It's Halloween
01:11:11Hello
01:11:22I have another little problem
01:11:37Unbelievable another van will be along in 10 minutes
01:11:53Oh
01:12:03Thanks just one of those days, you know try one of those lifetimes
01:12:23I
01:12:40Really worried I haven't seen her for days and Ralph. I haven't seen him either
01:12:48I'm back
01:12:52I
01:13:03Don't bend lies that you
01:13:06Hello, madam Benwah, I've got everything ready the liquid nitrogen everything. All I need is Wow
01:13:13real rhinestones
01:13:16Do you think she's gonna be here madam Benwah?
01:13:19Are you doubting madam Benwah? Oh, no, no, no, no twice since that you are wavering from your destiny
01:13:26No
01:13:27Do you love more than life itself?
01:13:30Yes, and you will say they're from the vampire. Yes. Yes
01:13:35You remember
01:13:37Before midnight suppose she doesn't come on time. So you'll go on I
01:13:44Can't do that. Sure. You can you know that song? I heard you singing
01:13:50And
01:13:51Who brought the sandwiches I did
01:13:54What's the matter too cooked for you? Mr. Vampire? What's your costume Stanley? It's a secret
01:14:01Wouldn't happen to be a pirate would it what if it is?
01:14:08Don't forget your peg legs Stanley
01:14:19I
01:14:49Oh
01:15:16No sign ever yet
01:15:19One minute and gone the next okay, let's go Rafael you and Chuck stage left axe man stage
01:15:24Right be on the lookout for anyone in a pirate costume. What about Stanley leave Stanley to me?
01:15:31It's up to you you can do it
01:15:42I'm waiting for you my love. I
01:15:45I hope madam Ben well is right
01:16:15I
01:16:45We've got you
01:17:15Oh
01:17:26Mom what are you doing? Are you okay? I just wanted to see a little rock band play. Is that too much for a mother to ask?
01:17:45Oh
01:18:08Sorry, man, we lost it's not important. We gotta find one. Oh, we gotta split up. What time five to twelve
01:18:13Oh, it's not too late
01:18:25Destiny
01:18:34Stanley is that a hambone? I think Chuck liver
01:18:44Pirate Halloween
01:18:48Damn hey Ralph, what's a good word you savor yet? So Stanley's got her and they've disappeared
01:18:54Typical what's typical that the damsels in distress and you're caught sleeping at the gate behind the eight ball a day late in a dime
01:19:00I'm short sometimes. I really hate you. Oh, thanks a lot, and I'm just gonna tell you where she is
01:19:05Where where where is she but now I'm not going to tell me where is she not until you apologize?
01:19:14I
01:19:16Apologize who's your best friend in the whole world?
01:19:21I'm sorry, what what what what what I can't hear you. You are tell me where she is
01:19:27I've got that door you make a left there's some access stairs
01:19:37It's gonna be close
01:19:39I
01:19:45Love you, man, and we belong together
01:19:47So you're gonna kill me. Well, not exactly. I'm gonna freeze you cryogenically and and then then we'll be together forever
01:19:57Drop the bones Stanley
01:19:59Me I don't make garbage. I've heard it. Oh, yeah. Yeah
01:20:09Is that a handle Stanley why yes, I think it is well that explains our little backstage park
01:20:16Nice touch with a peg leg where did you get it my psychic magic Benoit?
01:20:32They're nowhere in sight Ralph just disappeared. Well, we got to find him. It's almost midnight tootie. Is there another way out of here?
01:20:38Yes, there's a little door that goes upstairs over there. Great
01:20:41Is
01:20:43Is
01:21:07Not this time pirate loses all my life I've been pushed around by punks like you
01:21:13No, I never believed in me. I never even believed in myself
01:21:20I was such a weakling. I couldn't even take a cold. The only person who believed in you was my mother
01:21:29I'm sorry
01:21:32Madame Benoit mrs. Levy Adam Benoit. Well, I
01:21:37Thought I was doing the right thing, but now I know I was wrong
01:21:41You mean you were behind this the whole time you were my little boy, I didn't want you to leave home
01:21:46No, I know you're all grown up. You're in this together
01:21:49die vampire scum
01:21:53That was my mother you just boned she was a traitor
01:22:00Nothing can stop me now
01:22:04No choice Stanley
01:22:10Oh
01:22:14Drop the hand bones family
01:22:25One
01:22:26You are now totally relaxed yet energized in a beautiful and harmonious way
01:22:31Imagine the energy of the universe coming in through the top of your head and radiating out
01:22:37I'll gripping your nine-iron inhale deeply and mentally repeat these affirmations
01:22:42My nine-iron is an extension of my penis
01:22:54I knew that would come in handy one day. Mona. Are you all right?
01:22:59Thing was kind of cute
01:23:01Oh
01:23:17Here Oh
01:23:22Rafi you forgive me
01:23:27Of course we forgive you
01:23:31I
01:23:49Ralph
01:23:53Ralph right, man, Ralph. Come on
01:24:01Hey get her
01:24:04Ralph come on. I'm ready. Don't leave me
01:24:10Well, okay, I'll wait Ralph, where are you?
01:24:18Well, come on I'm locked in here Ralph
01:24:25Okay, okay fine
01:24:31I
01:25:01I like
01:25:11Wow
01:25:31I
01:26:01I
01:26:23Because the keys back
01:26:31Around
01:26:41My name is
01:27:02Tell all your friends with the keys
01:27:15Rocking them down
01:27:31I
01:28:01Oh
01:28:24My name is
01:28:31Around
01:28:42Come here, baby
01:29:01I
01:29:31I
01:30:01I
01:30:31You
01:31:01You