Life Is Horrifying
Transcript
00:00Dad dad help fluffy stuck up the tree. Don't worry son. I'll get my ladder
00:21George Brian's report card came in he's got a c-minus. I'll get my ladder
00:30Dad what is it son? There's a woodpecker right outside my bedroom. It's so distracting. I need to study
00:38Don't worry son. I'll get my ladder
01:00Thanks dad
01:06And
01:07Again for those just tuning in scientists have in fact confirmed that the solar flare will hit the earth within 10 minutes
01:14We are looking at a total extinction event
01:17Hold your families close. This is Abby Babble signing off. Good luck and Godspeed
01:23What what what do we do now? Don't worry son. I'll get my ladder
01:37Come on boy, we have to go
01:54And
02:01Everyone else don't worry my boy. Your mother will always live on in our hearts now. Let's go
02:23You
02:40Here we are son, this is our new home
02:45But but what if they don't accept us I have a feeling they will
02:54I
03:06Don't know how to make him stop
03:23I
03:53I
04:23Do feathers did you signal our neighbors about the approaching war party like I asked
04:33Also, why is your dicko check it out man, I can play guitar with no hands
04:53Go speed races go speed races
05:24Oh
05:27I'm okay from the crash for the fire. Oh
05:30sweet sassy molassy
05:33Maybe if I trigger the injection seat
05:37My bones my skin is black. Oh
05:42Yeah, now I see the irony of my racism
05:45Which is an irony within itself because my eyes have melted out of my skull. Ah
05:51I can't help but think my racist fantasies were related to the name. My parents gave me I broke people's hearts the way the impact
05:58Broke my sternum
06:00I
06:03Don't know maybe I'm misinterpreting irony
06:16Please leave the fire is ready
06:20Without me don't be a hero
06:33God why'd it have to be dead Jim? He used to sleep from the chase, but now he burns
06:40Ah
06:47Well, this is what happens when you live a life of hate goodness that have a nice day, but no
06:54dead monkey friend
06:55It's going black
06:57Here I come tip-tip. Daddy's coming home
07:06Hey the door still works
07:09Damn child locks hit me every time
07:18I
07:21Love my fire, but it just won't listen. I need help. That's why in this time of crisis
07:30I'm on my way
07:31My name is Kevin Cosmo, and I am the fire whisperer. Did you have a flame that's out of control and I am your gun
07:39This is problem. She's letting her fire walk all over her. She needs to assert her dominance. That's why I'm here. Let's take a look
07:48Thank you for coming is that the fire right there, did you let him on the couch normally?
07:53No, usually it's only allowed here or sometimes on the stove
07:59But I just can't say no to it. That's your problem
08:01You're being weak and letting the fire controlled you and not the other way around
08:05Down get down off. Oh, I try yelling and
08:10Disciplining it but nothing fighters can be like cats. They hate water
08:19There you go good fire
08:22No, no, you're spoiling it with kindling and oxygen. Don't you have to show it? Who is the alpha a searcher dominance?
08:29Please don't be afraid. No
08:31No backfire
08:34Did you see what I did there, oh
08:37Uh-huh
08:38Okay. Now it's protesting it wants attention, but just ignore it turn your back to it
08:45It's starting to hurt that's just what it wants ignore it
08:52Okay now turn around
08:54Wow
08:55Thank you Cosmo now. I can finally take my life back happen to be of help
09:01So, what did we learn that your fire won't respect you until you respect yourself?
09:06Take control and now let's check in with Karen from our last episode for an update
09:12Yep still dead. Okay. We'll see you next week for another episode of the fire whisperer
09:31Oh
09:33Yeah, Troy nothing be afraid of nothing be afraid of come on you can do it just read what's on the cards just just imagine
09:40Everybody's naked. Yeah, everybody's naked. Imagine everybody's bugs. They're all bugs. Just imagine they're naked bugs. I
09:50Have a bomb
10:01And
10:03That bomb is truth in advertising via social media
10:12Towns people I have some very bad news
10:16Three more sheep were killed during the night ripped apart from head to toe
10:22Nary a bone left intact
10:24Yes people. It seems we have a werewolf
10:28And it could be any one of us I
10:34Have an idea
10:36Let's all wear bells around our necks and then we'll all sleep together in one giant bed. Very
10:42Interesting. You think this could help us identify the werewolf? Wait, there's a werewolf
10:50Then there's no time to lose let's go
10:57Oh
11:00Back from your home, I presume it was
11:04Exquisite Bernard truly a perfect start to our perfect marriage. What's the ride for you? Master Henry?
11:14That must be our marriage license
11:18Well, this isn't a marriage license at all. It's a
11:22restraining order Oh
11:24I just grabbed a form and filled it out. I was in such a hurry
11:29It says here. We can't be within 25 yards of each other. That's simply won't do
11:35But we can't break the law
11:39if I may offer a
11:42suggestion sir
11:54I
12:16Shall relay this to your wife
12:24She
12:29Has orgasm sir
12:48He was a good man and a virile lover
12:54Yes
13:05Who are you again? Oh
13:17Come on honey, we can make it the border is only a few more feet. I
13:22I can't I can't go any further. This baby is coming out now
13:28No, not yet. If we don't make it to the border our baby won't be born in America and he'll never be president
13:34He'll be president Robert. What if our baby's a girl stop trying to jinx this with your lady voodoo Barbara
13:41My son is going to be born in the United States of America and he's going to be president and on his first day at
13:47Office he's going to declare war on Canada for making their goddamn GPS map so confusing
13:53Please proceed to the route a if you're lost just follow a moose. They're always going somewhere nice. Yeah
14:02I've got it
14:09Glad to help out a listen Barbara when I tell you to push I want you to give it everything you've got
14:15Wait, what we've only got one shot at this Barbara ready?
14:38President baby the secretary of nap time says you have a four o'clock appointment. Oh my apologies
14:43I mean as soon as you're done sucking the spaghettios out of your fist
14:49The eagle is cranky I repeat the eagle is cranky
15:14Oh
15:39Boy that must be my girlfriend
15:43I
15:48Don't know it's not me. No, no, it's you know, it's you and all the very stupid things you do
15:54You're out of luck out of luck. We're breaking up
15:58And I've already found somebody new. Please don't call. No, don't ever call
16:05Cuz I don't want to be your little baby doll. I know it stings, but here's the thing
16:12I really need a man with bigger balls
16:18How much did this even cost it was all free
16:27Because she's fucking me
16:37Hey, man, nice tank, thanks, dude
16:39Hey, what you doing there, man?
17:09You
17:40No, no, it's such my butt
17:52My sweet sweet grandson
17:56Always remember to go out and enjoy
17:59life
18:01There's a beautiful world outside
18:04Just have to get out there and explore it
18:10She's right
18:23Watch out world here. I know scope bitch
18:39Oh
19:09Oh
19:39Ah
20:03Good morning, sweetheart. Good morning. Did you sleep? Well, I did what are you cooking for breakfast?
20:09That smells heavenly. It's your favorite
20:13I'm just cooking up your
20:23I'm sorry. Did you learn your lesson?
20:27Drive some ketchup. No
20:30What's for dinner, honey? Oh, you know just your
20:40Jackson I need that quarterly report to my office in five minutes. Just finishing it now. Excellent. Oh
20:51Man my boss is gonna flip when he sees this. It was our best quarter yet
20:58Oh
21:05Hold on sir, no, no, no, don't move. You were in a terrible car accident. You're at the hospital some help over here
21:12Get into the yard down the hall pass radiology
21:21All right coming through
21:24I
21:26V is open houses pulse blood pressure 8504 poses 120 instead possible hypotension from blood loss
21:34Where's the doctor? I'm here
21:40Let's save this man's life
21:53Oh
22:01That was a close one looks like you'll live to crash another day. Oh
22:13Thank you doctor all better. Oh boy you saved my life
22:20Good job. I'm fixed
22:24Thanks, bye now, thanks. Bye. Bye guys. Thanks. Bye. See ya
22:36Sorry boys, you got to be at least this tall to ride now boogie your little buns out of this line boys
22:44Hey
22:49Now didn't I tell you boys oh my mistake sir, please right this way
23:07One ice cream for the little runt. Oh, please forgive me mister. Here's a round on me
23:15Now before I can prescribe you any of these grown-up drugs, I've got to run a few quick tests
23:23Hmm a giggling heart. Oh, that's never a good sign. Do you feel that?
23:35Turn your head and cough
23:38Well, you're not looking too good, I mean you're lumpy in all the wrong places plus your spine is so crooked
23:45It's a miracle. You can even stand
23:47I'm gonna have to give you some of the best drugs
23:50We've got but a word of caution these drugs are gonna make you see some weird-ass shit
23:56I mean they could kill a child. Yeah, maybe even two. I
24:00Don't know why I felt the need to tell you that anyway, here you go
24:08Oh my god, I really gotta take it easy with these
24:25These drugs are gonna make you see some
24:31Hey back off we got an age limit at this here Club
24:36No geezers
24:44You think this is funny, huh? My face look funny to you
24:52Hey, I warned you to back off now you get the fury
25:05I
25:23Caught him in high
25:25I
25:33Have never seen anyone survive Bruno's mega punch you sir are our new bouncer
25:55Oh
26:26Not interested, I'm only into big muscly guys not tall skinny guys
26:49Did you work out
26:56You
27:02Hey wanna go back to my place and get married and stuff
27:16Congratulations, it's a girl
27:23Congratulations
27:25I
27:47Okay, I just want to let you know that before you do go in there your mother is probably
27:55Not going to be around much longer
27:57Any last words you want to have with her you should have with her now. I'm sorry
28:04Okay, I I understand
28:18Hey mom mom it it's me
28:24Who's that mom it's it's me your son
28:31What you do it's it's me
28:44Last words, huh?
28:54You
29:01Hey mom, it's me your daughter
29:17There there everything's gonna be all right
29:20So, would you like to go out to dinner sometime?
29:29Waiter
29:30waiter
29:32Yes
29:33That was the finest meal I've ever had in my life
29:38I'm very pleased to hear sir. I'm sure the chef will be how much for your exit sign
29:44I
29:46Excuse me your exit signs. I'd like to buy them. I
29:52I'm afraid I don't understand sir. You see my boy when I have an enjoyable experience at a restaurant or show
30:00I like to remember it by purchasing the venues exit signs. How much?
30:06Sir, that would be against fire codes for us to sell and remove bring me your manager. I'm prepared to make an offer
30:15Sir
30:21The exit signs are not for sale if you would like your own I'd be happy to direct you to the company that made and
30:26Installed them. No, I want those right there. This meal was amazing and I want to remember it
30:34I'll give you $10,000
30:37Sir I can't what yes
30:41$10,000 and with that you can buy as many exit signs as you need
30:47Well, I suppose we'll be fine for a day without exit signs in the restaurant. All right, then it's a deal. Oh
30:57Absolutely beautiful
31:10Oh
31:21No
31:29Phew that was a close one now, I just need to find the exit
31:40Oh, no
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