How to convince one's parents? || Acharya Prashant (2022)

Acharya Prashant

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Transcript

00:00I would like to ask like when sometimes I do some things and my parents don't

00:08like it of course they will scold me so sometimes the matter goes too far and

00:14they hurt me like and then I don't talk back to them I've never done that till

00:23yet so I feel like if I talk back now it will hurt them so what should I do like

00:28if I talk back and if I don't talk back it's like bottling up my feelings you

00:39must talk back but not from an emotional Center right you must be 18 20 22

00:49something an adult now you have all the rights to engage anybody in a

00:56conversation but engaging in a conversation is not the same as reacting

01:03emotionally the chances are that because they hurt you so you will react now

01:15don't do that it's very difficult to say which of these is worse the two options

01:24that we usually exercise are one we suppress our feelings we block our

01:31expression that's the option very frequently chosen and that's also the

01:36one you seem to be choosing and following this particular option there

01:42is the other one in which there is an explosion due to continued suppression

01:48when you suppress your feelings and your instincts for too long one day they

01:56will explode and when that explosion comes you know how the site of an

02:05explosion looks you only have debris all around things shattered and scattered

02:13sometimes not all the scattered things are visible to the eyes they are all

02:18within the mind and there is so much toothpoot what has happened look at

02:25look at the faces and you can you can know just by looking at the faces of the

02:31members of the family there has been a civil war just an hour back so you know

02:41we all must you all must rather as young people learn to engage your

02:49parents and your seniors and your teachers right in India somehow the

02:58culture has been of authority and silence authority from the senior side

03:05and silence from the junior side and the direct blowback has been that a lot

03:12of the current generation is now becoming extremely disrespectful and

03:19disregardful precisely because they have not been engaged instead being asked to

03:26just shut up and you cannot have a person shut up till eternity so now you

03:35have people look at the look at the kind of manners and etiquette that they

03:40display and then the parents are horrified so are the teachers the kids

03:45of this generation they just know no respect look at how they misbehave with

03:52their elders but then it was the responsibility of the elders to teach

03:59their kids or their students where behavior must come from not how they

04:07should behave but from where they should behave so I started my response by

04:14saying that you should not behave from your reactive emotional center if you

04:20feel strongly like bursting out in a particular moment that is just not the

04:29moment to open your mouth withdraw equally you cannot stay withdrawn

04:35forever so when you know that it's the right time then speak up at a time and

04:47place of your choice respond that's what they say in the military when somebody

04:56attacks you obviously you would be attacking you at a time and at a place

05:01where you are weak that is not the time to engage the enemy of course I am not

05:06saying that parents or teachers are enemies just you know raising a very

05:13broad and loose analogy so you do not just react then and there though you'll

05:19be feeling very angry right and an army truck was going and it has been

05:24ambushed but hey this is not the point to engage them engage them as little as

05:31possible and just just just save your response for a better time because at

05:38that moment you will be afraid you will be angry you'll be hurt from your

05:44feeling of being offended very hurtful words will arise and the mind is a

05:50strange thing it remembers all the nonsense two hours of hurtful

06:01conversation will be remembered over two decades of a relationship that's how the

06:10ego operates two decades of mother-daughter relationship the ego will

06:16choose to just keep aside and it will repeat repeat repeat to itself those two

06:23hours when not even two hours it does not last that long usually 20 minutes

06:29those 20 minutes of bombardment and every single word hurt abuse will be not

06:41only remembered but magnified your mother said something in two words the

06:48memory will remember it as two sentences even casual glances will be remembered

06:56as weapons in sarcasm you know she was not just looking at me she was using her

07:04eyes as weapons there was so much sarcasm and taunt in the way she glanced

07:09at me and that's all the work of the ego right so do engage your parents

07:19figure out what is really happening and then talk to them it's an art it's an

07:25art you know when you read the old wisdom stories belonging to the sages or

07:34the gurus or the Buddha often you come across something very curious the

07:42student comes up and asks a question and the teacher does not respond at all

07:50sometimes the teacher responds after an entire year he waits for the right

07:55conditions to develop he knows that any explanation at this moment will be

08:01futile and then after one year he says now this is the answer to the question

08:07you had then asked the teacher is hardly ever seen in a hurry to provide

08:16explanations because if you are real teacher a teacher of life it is not your

08:22job merely to give explanations you want to take the student to a solution not

08:28merely explain it but actually solve it and that requires the right time and the

08:34right conditions the student must be ready to listen if the listening is

08:41closed what's the point in speaking so much and when two people are engaged in

08:46heated arguments a de facto quarreling believe me neither of them is listening

08:54and if that fellow is not listening why are you speaking so much to him you are

08:59speaking so much you are speaking beyond what is needed to be spoken and not a

09:04word is reaching that fellow and even if something is reaching that fellow

09:09his receptors are totally distorting it because he's receiving it through his

09:17internal filters and the memory is selectively magnifying and selectively

09:23deleting the chosen parts some part is blown up and some part is chosen not to

09:31be remembered at all I'll give you an example I would have spoken here like

09:36for 15-20 minutes now if all of us are asked to pull out a sheet of paper and

09:42write down what I have just spoken just the salient points let's say hmm sum of

09:50what has been said in 10 points 10 points each everyone you will find quite

09:57a lot of divergence your 10 points will be at a significant variance from what

10:06she writes or from what he writes how is it possible the speaker is one he has

10:13not said 10 different things to 10 different people and yet we have heard

10:17the speaker differently all of us there would be obviously some overlap but also

10:22a lot of variance that's how that's how we are so wait for the other person to

10:31be in the right frame of mind before you can say something hmm these two things

10:41if you can if you can get rid of and that applies to everybody not not just

10:49to you as a person I'm not it's a it's a general answer reactiveness and

10:56emotionality and I'm stressing more on that seeing that I'm speaking to a girl

11:04to a woman the way Prakriti physical nature has made the two genders and then

11:14later on the way we are conditioned by the society and education and the

11:19various influences girls turn out to be more emotional and more reactive and

11:28that's a serious handicap they face in life the problem that I face when I

11:37address this issue is that many women take their emotionality as their

11:42strength whereas it is not it is something very untamed that arises from

11:51the body the physicality the chemicals the hormones and one ought to understand

11:57it and stay at a safe distance from it I'm not saying you must suppress your

12:02emotions I'm saying you must understand your emotions and to understand your

12:05emotions there has to be a certain detachment you must be able to see where

12:09your thoughts your emotions and your reactions are coming from if you'll not

12:14be able to see that in spite of all the liberalism and all feminism life can

12:21still be very hard on one particular gender unfortunately we have come far

12:34from days of open and socially accepted oppression but still the scales are not

12:47even they are they are tilted in favor of one gender and against one particular

12:55gender I do not want girls to suffer and the one who causes them to suffer is

13:08both outside of them and inside them outside of them are the blind forces of

13:16patriarchy and body identification and materialism and all that and inside of

13:22the woman the forces of her physicality they are the ones that cause her to

13:31suffer those forces are present within men as well when I'll speak to men I

13:37address that but right now since I'm speaking to a woman it becomes very

13:42important do not locate your enemy just outside of yourself probably a bigger

13:50enemy is lurking within and that enemy is your own emotions your own tendency

13:59to quickly react and a lot of that has to do with insecurity as well because we

14:06do not educate and raise our girls well and wisely enough so they are left

14:15feeling helpless powerless and therefore insecure and when you are insecure then

14:22you will be even more emotional and even aggressive when you are afraid within

14:30then you become violent in many ways explicit and implicit do not let all

14:35that happen to you life is too valuable to be wasted away in the in periods of

14:45emotional trauma and neurosis and fragmented mind something is saying this

14:54is right one part is saying I love my parents one part is saying no they often

14:59may have to do something about it one part is saying family is important the

15:03other one says career is important and all that is quite a lot of torture to

15:09handle do not let that happen that's the reason why wisdom literature is

15:15essential and more important for women than for men because they are the ones

15:23who stand to lose more who are more often than not the targets of aggression

15:34therefore they are the ones who must have more centered minds make sure you

15:41do not get lost in the in the material and consumerist forces and that you pay

15:48adequate attention to setting your might right sort it out and keep it

15:56centered

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