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00:00Okay, stand by everybody. Tangos 1 and 2 have now entered the arrivals hall.
00:06Right, which has the case, please?
00:07Tango 1 has the case at this stage.
00:09Right, hold on Tango 1, then, please.
00:12There's been a changeover. Tango 1 has passed the case to Tango 2.
00:17And Tango 2 doesn't want it. He's given it back.
00:20Are you sure that is Tango 2?
00:22Well, I thought it was Tango 2. Whoever he is, he doesn't want the case.
00:25Oh, no, it's Tango 2, all right. He just doesn't want the case.
00:27Well, neither of them wants the case now, then.
00:29Well, who has the case?
00:30Well, Tango 1. Well, they're looking around now.
00:34I think they may just be beginning to get a little bit suspicious now.
00:40I think they may have sensed the camera.
00:43Have they rumbled opposition?
00:45Well, I think they've rumbled opposition.
00:47Pull out, pull out. All units, trouser, trouser, trouser.
00:50All units, trouser, trouser, trouser. Pull out.
01:00Anyway, the hire car was absolutely ready and waiting
01:03when we arrived at Heraklion Airport.
01:05We'd done a deal with Hertz through Amex,
01:08which meant we were able to upgrade the category
01:10without paying the extra price differential.
01:13This is one of the Hertz girl, Tanya, with the car.
01:16It's a Renault Mountaineer,
01:18specially designed for the Cretan terrain.
01:20Handles beautifully. We're very pleased with the colour.
01:22Were you, mate? Crikey.
01:25Anyway, I'd studied the map of the roads from Heraklion
01:27while having lunch on the plane.
01:29Oh, did I tell you about lunch on the plane?
01:31In some detail, as a matter of fact.
01:33Oh, look, here's another one of the lunch tray.
01:36Must have muddled up the order somehow.
01:38I've been sucked into the deepest pit of hell.
01:41Oh, look. And here's one of the Renault's instrument panel.
01:45Uniquely fascinating.
01:47That's the left-hand control stalk with main beam wipers.
01:52Oh, that's interesting.
01:54And here's one of the right-hand control stalk
01:56with indicators and so forth.
01:58Oh, I think this is going to give me an erection.
02:01Anyway, so we skirted round Souda Bay via Thalacos
02:04and discovered this marvellous little off-the-beaten-track
02:07taverna.
02:08It really was so authentic.
02:10Everyone there smoking.
02:11Really, you should have been there.
02:13Oh, no, I shouldn't. No, I shouldn't have been there.
02:15This is one of me pointing out that I should have been there.
02:18No, I shouldn't. No, I shouldn't have been there.
02:20This is one of me pointing at my moussaka.
02:23Wait a second. Isn't that a revolting sight?
02:26And this is one of me on the toilet half an hour later.
02:29I used a self-timer for that one,
02:31because the whole human ultra-range have got self-timers.
02:33Self-timers? Oh, well, then I must leave at once.
02:35We discovered this marvellous little man in Hadia
02:38who developed film the traditional Cretan way.
02:41Nikos, his name was, or Kostas. Could have been Andreas.
02:44Oh, but I must find out which one his name was.
02:48This is him on the toilet.
02:50Go away!
02:55Right, well, you touch my daughter again
02:58and it'll be a slideshow, you understand?
03:04Hello. Both just got time to tell you.
03:06Just? Just got time, yes.
03:08We both used to have problems around here, didn't we?
03:11Just around the eye area.
03:13Certainly did. Just there.
03:16That's right. Yes, it was awful.
03:18Our eyes just kept coming out, didn't they?
03:20Couldn't keep them in. It was horrible.
03:23Now, thankfully, it's cleared up. It's stopped happening, hasn't it?
03:26Effectively, yes. Yes, they don't fall out any more
03:29and we're pleased about that, aren't we?
03:31Delighted, yes.
03:35Officer!
03:37Good morning, sir. Would you like to take a seat?
03:39All right. For a queue?
03:41Well, you may be more comfortable that way.
03:43My name's Oliver, by the way. Excited to know you.
03:46Oh, hello. Peter Franks. Hi, Peter.
03:48Peter, listen, would you like a coffee?
03:50Filter, espresso, cappuccino? We offer decaf on all of those.
03:53Well, that's very kind. Do you have a tea?
03:56Tea? I don't think so, Peter.
03:58I'll just check that for you.
04:00Hello, Maybelline, my love. It's Oliver here.
04:02Listen, my darling, do we carry a tea machine?
04:04Sorry, dear. Yes, I thought not.
04:06Many thanks, pet. Sorry, Peter, no tea on mine.
04:09Oh, no, wait a minute. Doesn't worry.
04:11How may we help you?
04:13Well, this is a police station, isn't it?
04:15Well, of course it is, Peter, yes.
04:17Yes, cos I tried to ring you earlier, but you must have changed your number.
04:20All I got was music playing in my ear.
04:22The thing is, my car's been stolen.
04:24Your car's been stolen? Yes.
04:26Oh, Peter, I am sorry.
04:28Oh.
04:30And you'd like us to do something about it?
04:32Well, yes, please.
04:34Ah, OK. Well, have you had a look at our brochure, Peter?
04:37To pardon the pun. What pun?
04:39Oh, wasn't there one? Oh, I'm sorry.
04:41Well, Peter, if you'd like to come with me, we'll go...
04:46Now, Peter, we offer basically three kinds of stolen car recovery service.
04:51That's the super, the lovely and the gorgeous.
04:54Now, the super's a basic non-priority listing of your car,
04:57the lovely's higher priority
04:59and the gorgeous is A1 top priority.
05:03We put all our team onto it, field and creative,
05:06and that also includes a full waxing and valeting of your car on recovery.
05:09I see.
05:11Obviously, Peter, the gorgeous is a more expensive service.
05:14I beg your pardon? Do you have an account with us?
05:17Account? No. Oh, you're a shareholder, perhaps?
05:20Well, I'm a citizen, if that's what you mean.
05:22Citizen? Oh, you mean client?
05:24Look, I don't want to sound stupid, but I get back to England,
05:27I find my car's been stolen...
05:29Peter, you've been away?
05:31Did you perhaps miss the privatisation of the police force?
05:34This is now a branch office of Britlaw PLC.
05:37Would you like to fill out a form?
05:39Fill out a form? Fill out a form?
05:41You mean fill in a form?
05:43Has everyone suddenly turned American?
05:45Now, Peter, I shall need your address,
05:47I shall need your place and date of birth,
05:49your car registration number
05:51and we should be able to have an account verified within 14 days,
05:54subject to status.
05:55This is insanity! I'm a taxpayer!
05:57Peter, everybody had a chance to buy shares at the time of issue.
06:00It was all supervised by a reputable merchant bank.
06:03Well, by a merchant bank, anyway.
06:05It's madness. I'm leaving.
06:07No, Peter, not that way. Not that way, Peter.
06:09What? That's the High Street. Yes?
06:11Well, the High Street is owned by UK High Roads PLC.
06:14We're employed by them to make sure
06:16that only those with valid roadway passes use the street.
06:19But that's the Queen's Highway, for goodness' sake.
06:21Surely I can use that? Queen's?
06:23Oh, you have shares in the Royal Family PLC.
06:25That would be quite... Of course I haven't.
06:27Well, then, Peter, I must ask you to come with me to the restraining bar.
06:30Now, if you'd just like to put your hands on the detention knob.
06:33But I haven't done anything.
06:34Not the gold member cuffs for you.
06:36I'm afraid we'll have to use the bronze mudstick.
06:38No, no, absolutely not. No, Peter, Peter, Peter.
06:40No, I refuse. No. What?
06:44Well, you haven't changed that much, then.
06:46Welcome to Argue the Toss.
06:48My tosser this week is Simon Clituris.
06:50Simon Clituris, you saw that sketch. What did you think?
06:53Well, I thought the sketch worked on two levels.
06:56Only two?
06:57Ah, yes, you're right. I'm being simplistic.
06:59I thought it worked on nine levels.
07:01I thought I spotted 12.
07:03Yes, yes, well, yes, 12, 12 if you include the...
07:05Yes, for heaven's sake, let's be condescending about this.
07:07Absolutely.
07:08I thought it worked on the one hand as a simple satire on modern Britain
07:11and on the other hand as a metaphor for the problem of redemption.
07:14What about the underlying theme?
07:15Which one?
07:16Well, the underlying theme of a man desperately trying to recover his stolen car.
07:19Well, that I thought was the least successful of all the underlying themes.
07:22It didn't work for me.
07:23That's where the sketch really just disappeared for me.
07:25Simply vanished? Completely vanished, yes.
07:27And the main characters?
07:28Well, I feel I didn't know enough about them.
07:30I was reminded of those occasions when one is asked to sleep with someone
07:32one doesn't know particularly well.
07:34Consequently, I was nervous and the whole thing was a disappointment.
07:36Brilliant.
07:37Simon Clituris, thank you very much.
07:39Welcome to Up the Arts.
07:41Martin, you saw those critics there.
07:43Were you impressed by what they had to say?
07:44Well, let me say straight away that it seems to me
07:46that what they were trying to achieve was essentially twofold.
07:48I don't think it would be quite fair to judge them on that small extract we just saw.
07:52Good, so what was your judgment of the small extract we just saw?
07:54Well, it seems to me that on the one hand they were trying to assess a comedy sketch,
07:57a humoresque routine...
07:58Did that work for you? For me, there was something about their criticism that was...
08:01I don't know, what's the word? Sterile?
08:03I was going to say fertile. Hardly different.
08:05No, I have to say it didn't work for me, no.
08:07I think on the one hand they were trying to encompass too much.
08:09They were overambitious.
08:10I was going to say overcautious, yes. Hardly different.
08:13And on the other hand, they were trying to present themselves as viable human beings
08:17attempting to make sense of their...of their...
08:19Environment?
08:20I was going to say trousers. Hardly different.
08:22Trousers, environment, environment, trousers. It's a kind of square.
08:25I was going to say circle. Much the same thing.
08:27And on the other hand...
08:28You've got three hands.
08:30I've got three hands.
08:31They, of course, were doing a two-hander.
08:33Would they have benefited, do you think, from an extra hand?
08:35Would that have come in useful?
08:37I think with an extra hand they might have just got away with it, yes.
08:39But did you enjoy their criticism?
08:40Oh, I loved it. I wanted to go to bed with it and kiss it in many soft, private little places.
08:44So their future is critics. Bulbous, would you say?
08:46Yes, perineal. The exact word.
08:48So we're agreeing. Of course not.
08:50Hello, welcome to... Oh, no, not another one.
08:55Of all the deodorants, this is the one that I enjoy using most.
09:00It feels real nice going on and it smells good and keeps me dry all day.
09:07I don't have to worry about it cutting out in clutch moments.
09:11All of the other ones are just...
09:13I don't know, they just never seem to hold up under pressure for me.
09:17I can put this on once during the day and for the rest of the day I'm fine, I'm all set up.
09:24I don't have to worry about, you know, social nervousness or anything.
09:28It's just... It keeps me feeling good and fresh.
09:33I love the smell.
09:35I don't think there's any deodorant that comes close to this one.
09:42I think it was Donald Mainstock, the great amateur squash player,
09:46who pointed out how lovely I was.
09:48Until that time, I think it was safe to say
09:50that I'd never really been aware of my own timeless brand of loveliness.
09:53But his words smote me because, of course, you see,
09:55I am lovely in a fluffy, moist kind of a way.
09:58Otherwise, I walk, let's be splendid about this,
10:01in a lightly scented cloud of gorgeousness
10:03that isn't far short of being quite simply terrific.
10:05The secret of smooth, almost shiny loveliness,
10:08of the order which we're discussing in this simple, frank, creamy, soft way,
10:12doesn't reside in oils, unguents, balms, ointments, creams, astringents,
10:16milks, moisturisers, liniments, lubricants, embrications or balsams,
10:20to be rather divine for just one noble moment.
10:22It resides, and I mean this in a pink, slightly special way,
10:26in one's attitude of mind.
10:27To be gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist
10:30and sticky and lovely, all you have to do is to believe
10:32that one is gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist
10:35and sticky and lovely, and I believe it of myself,
10:37tremulously at first and then with mounting heat and passion,
10:40popping off for a second to be super again, I'm so often told it.
10:43That's the secret, really.
10:55Waiter!
10:57Sir?
10:58There's something wrong with my soup.
10:59Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir. It looks very smart to me.
11:02What?
11:04Nice pinstripe?
11:06No, no, no, my soup. There's something wrong with my soup.
11:09Sorry, sir, I thought you said suit.
11:11It, um, it tastes odd somehow.
11:14What does?
11:15My soup.
11:16Does it?
11:17May I, sir?
11:18Please do.
11:23Seems all right to me.
11:24No, no, my soup. My soup tastes odd.
11:26Oh, your soup?
11:27Yes.
11:28Oh, dear.
11:29Taste it.
11:30I just have, sir.
11:31Not my suit. I want you to try my soup.
11:34Oh, I'd rather not, if you don't mind, sir.
11:36Why not?
11:37It's probably too long in the arms.
11:38No, no, what's the matter with you?
11:40I'm talking about my soup. S-O-U-P.
11:44Oh, your soup?
11:45Yes.
11:46Is there something wrong with it, sir?
11:47I've told you, it tastes odd.
11:48Well, may I, sir?
11:49Please.
11:50Thank you, sir.
11:54Ah, yes.
11:55Ah, yes, what?
11:57It's the cyanide, sir.
11:59I beg your pardon?
12:00A chef does occasionally, in my opinion, tend to overstress the cyanide in his potage.
12:05Are you telling me that chef has put cyanide in the soup?
12:08No, sir. He's put cyanide in the soup.
12:13That's what I said.
12:14Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I thought you said suit.
12:16This is outrageous.
12:18Would you like me to bring you some soup without cyanide in it, sir?
12:20Yeah, no, I mean...
12:21Perhaps something else from the menu?
12:23Well, why? Why has the chef put cyanide in the soup?
12:27He has a club foot, sir.
12:29What?
12:30The chef has a club foot.
12:31Well, I've got a bent nose, but I don't go around massacring perfectly innocent diners.
12:36There's no cyanide in the mozzarella salad, sir.
12:38Oh, yippee.
12:39Just a hint of strychnine, but not so as you'd notice.
12:41This is absurd.
12:43You're right, it is. Completely ridiculous.
12:45Well, would you like to be a comedy writer?
12:52What's happened is that we've deliberately left this sketch without a tagging punchline.
12:57Or ending, as we call it in the trade.
13:00That's where you come in.
13:01The lines are now open for you to phone in your payoff to this hilarious skitlet.
13:07But just as an added difficulty, we're not actually going to give you the telephone number to ring.
13:11No, that's right.
13:12You have to use your skill and judgment to think up a witty, apt and amusing telephone number of your own.
13:17And if British Telecom think it's funny enough, they'll put you through to our switchboard here.
13:22Hello?
13:24And we have a clear winner straight away, Mr. J.D. Ward of Basildon.
13:28Well, well done, J.D. Ward.
13:30If you'll be so kind as to let us know your chest size,
13:33we'll send you a bit of Fry & Lorry checkbook and pen straight away.
13:38Well, let's go back to where we were then.
13:39Right.
13:40Oh, this is absurd.
13:42You're right, it is. Completely ridiculous.
13:44The brown soup has no cyanide in it whatsoever, sir.
13:47The brown soup, eh?
13:48That's right, sir.
13:49No toxics, radioactive particles or microbes of any description?
13:52Not a drop, sir.
13:53Well, I'll have some of that then.
13:54Right you are then, sir.
13:55Honestly.
13:59Nice one, J.D.
14:05And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Hugh Lorry has kindly agreed to embarrass us all
14:09with a song of his own composing entitled, quite simply, Mystery.
14:13Mr. Hugh Lorry, Mystery.
14:20Mystery
14:26All my life has been a mystery
14:32You and I were never ever meant to be
14:38That's why I call my love for you a mystery
14:44Different country
14:48You and I have always lived in a different country
14:54And I know that airline tickets don't grow on a tree
15:01So what kept us apart is plain for me to see
15:06That much, at least, is not really a mystery
15:14Estuary
15:21I live in a houseboat on an estuary
15:26Which is handy for my work with the Thames Water Authority
15:34But I know you would have found it in sanitary
15:40Insanitary
15:44Taken a violent dislike to me
15:48I'd be foolish to ignore the possibility
15:53That if we'd ever actually met, you might have hated me
15:58Still, that's not the only problem that I can see
16:03Dead since 1973
16:09You've been dead now
16:13Wait a minute, let me see
16:17Fifteen years come next January
16:24As a human being, you are history
16:28As a human being, you are history
16:34So why do I still long for you?
16:38Why is my love so strong for you?
16:42Why did I write this song for you?
16:46Well, I guess it's just a mystery
16:58Thank you
17:07Mr. Marsh
17:10Would you like me to take your bags up to your executive suite, Mr. Marsh?
17:14No, thanks very much. I'm going to be checking out in the morning
17:19Call me English as I live and close the sale, you crazy old buckler
17:24What the hell are you doing here?
17:26Mr. Marsh, you turbo-charged son of a Maserita
17:30Well, I'm hanging pretty tough, Gordon, hanging pretty tough
17:33What about yourself? Things not going so well, eh?
17:35Oh, no, I'm strictly moving to the rhythm, Stu. Why do you ask?
17:38Why do I ask? Well, Gordon, really, I mean, being a porter in a hotel, it's hardly the big time
17:43Stu, Stu, Stu, that was a joke
17:51So, tell me, you old roister-doister, what the hell are you doing in Telford?
17:55Last I heard, you were based out of Peterborough
17:57Yeah, I did a spell in Peterborough, Gordon. It's part of a big new management shake-up
18:01But right now I'm fixing up to meet with old Derek Clark
18:04Derek the Fiddler Clark?
18:06If I was a rich man
18:08Not a man for legends, Stu
18:10So, tell me, you're going to be working under Derek Clark now, is that a...
18:14Well, not so much under, Gordon, more kind of alongside
18:18I'm going to be a sort of flexible, highly resourced, independently targeted, free-range troubleshooter
18:25Free-range? Sounds challenging
18:27Anyway, he and I are supposed to be having a working breakfast together
18:30I'd ask you to join us, Gordon, but, you know, it's...
18:32Oh, no sweats, Phil Idaho, Stu
18:34So, tell me, do they do a good working breakfast here?
18:36I don't believe I've ever actually working breakfasted at this hotel before
18:39They only do the best working breakfast in the state of Telford, Gordon
18:42Waiter, Gordon, you'll take some coffee, surely?
18:45Well, I don't know, how does the coffee perform?
18:47Oh, the coffee performs OK, Gordon, don't you worry about that
18:50Waiter, a pot of coffee for two, and make sure it's hot, strong, and in a pot, OK?
18:56OK, if you see Mr Clark, tell him I'm in the executive breakfast lounge, will you?
19:00Yes, sir
19:01How will I know Mr Clark, sir?
19:03I beg your pardon?
19:05How will I recognise Mr Clark?
19:07Are you trying to be funny?
19:09Derek Clark, he's, you know, he's lapel badge, he's with Unitec
19:12Lapel badge!
19:14Yes, sir, and he's to meet you in the breakfast lounge
19:17In the executive breakfast lounge?
19:19There's only one breakfast lounge, sir?
19:21Yes, and it's the executive breakfast lounge
19:23Right, I'll take that
19:26Hey, Sonny, come here
19:31If you've got any thoughts about making it in the hotel business, then you'd better just watch your lip, OK?
19:35That's all, that's all, thank you, waiter
19:37That's all, thank you very much, waiter, that is all
19:41The kid's just green, Stu
19:43Now, Gordon, you and I are green
19:46We didn't go around giving lip to busy senior executives
19:49No, we used to give them a bit of tongue from time to time
19:53So, it looks like Derek Clark stood you up
19:55No, it's alright, he rang down and said he was having a bit of trouble with the trouser press in his room
19:59It's an executive trouser press, you see
20:02Derek tried to put an ordinary leisure trouser on it
20:04Not surprisingly, the machine wouldn't play
20:06So, what about yourself, Gordon?
20:08What's keeping you off the streets these days?
20:10Well, actually, I've gone into business for myself, Stuart
20:13Oh, yeah? I hope you're taking good advice
20:16The very best
20:17I've got hold of a new kind of bank account, it's called...
20:21...smug
20:23Well, I wish you the very best of luck, Gordon, I really do, because you and I, hey, we go all the way back
20:27Oh, right the way back to the end zone, Stu
20:30You know what they used to call us back in Reading?
20:32What was that?
20:33The wild dogs of retailing
20:35Wild dogs
20:36Yeah
20:37You and I, we broke a few moulds in our time, eh, Gordon?
20:39Yeah, and a few eggs
20:40Yeah
20:43Eggs
20:44You can't make an omelette
20:46Yes, I can
20:47No, you can't
20:48Yes, I can
20:49Not without breaking eggs
20:52Well, so what if I can't, Gordon?
20:53You know, I mean, I'm a busy man, my talents lie in other directions
20:57No, no, I mean you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs
21:01What is this, cookery corner? I don't need this, Gordon
21:04All right, I'm about to have a working breakfast with the toughest divisional sales manager since Moses
21:10And all of a sudden you're giving me a list of all the things I can't do
21:12Well, thanks for the support, partner
21:13No, Stu, I only meant...
21:14I mean, what am I supposed to say?
21:15You know, Derek, I'm not right for this job, choose someone else, I can't make an omelette
21:19No, no, you can, Stu
21:20But it's variegation, Gordon
21:21You know, I don't have the time, I want an omelette, I go to an omelette maker
21:24Does that make me a failure?
21:26All right, I'm a failure, I can't make an omelette without breaking eggs
21:28Well, no one can, Stu, that's the point, it's impossible
21:31What do you mean it's impossible?
21:32It can't be done
21:33Well, what do you think I've been eating all these years?
21:35I had an omelette last night
21:37Ah, yeah, but they broke the eggs
21:40I hardly think they'd use broken eggs in executive room service
21:51Do you know what I'd like to know?
21:53Have you told me before?
21:54Nope
21:55But how could I possibly?
21:57I'd like to know why, oh why, oh why, the word gay has been so ruthlessly hijacked from our beloved English language
22:06I agree with your question 100%
22:08Gay used to be such a lovely word
22:10A lovely word
22:11Yes, you can't use it anymore, it's been taken away from us
22:14That's right, no longer can ordinary people such as we use an ordinary word like gay in an ordinary example of the great British sentence
22:22Without people thinking that you mean poofy, it's a disgrace, don't you?
22:27And there's another one, you see, poofy, you can't say that anymore
22:30Of course you can't
22:31Used to
22:32All the time
22:33Yes, but now
22:34Now
22:35People think you mean arse bandit
22:37Arse bandit, there you go again, you see
22:40Well of course you do
22:41You know, arse bandit, perfectly decent couple of words
22:44That's right
22:45Used to use them every day
22:46So did I
22:47Would you care to have a go on the arse bandit?
22:50Quite innocently
22:52Yes, yes, or back in a moment darling, I'm just taking the arse bandit to the menders
22:58But now
22:59Of course
23:00Nowadays
23:01People think you mean homosexual
23:02Right, and there's another one
23:05When was the last time you could use the word homosexual in its proper context?
23:09Right, and it's such a lovely word
23:11Oh, it's one of the great words
23:12My word, Jane, I used to say to my wife, the garden's looking very homosexual as well
23:18Lovely word
23:20It's a great word
23:21Yes, landlord, I'll have two foaming pints of your most homosexual beer
23:27Oh, and a packet of arse bandits as well
23:30And keep the change
23:32Right, yes
23:33But now
23:34Nowadays
23:35People just laugh at you, won't they?
23:36That's right, that's right
23:37Oh well, I'm off to the dry cleaners to pick up a couple of screaming benders
23:40Are you coming?
23:42Do you want to get them home and go to bed with them?
23:44That's right
23:51Lani, you're ugly
23:57No
23:59Um
24:00We're not, um
24:01We're not doing that one
24:03No
24:04If you remember, I didn't like it
24:08I thought that was quite funny, that one
24:10Yes
24:11I guess we'll be doing this one instead
24:12Right, right
24:13Right
24:18Huh
24:19I can see you've fallen in love already, sir
24:21Oh, hello, yes, I was just looking at the, um
24:23The Aston Martin
24:24Yeah
24:25Isn't she beautiful?
24:26To be honest with you, that's the best car in the place, that one
24:28Out of all of them, that is the best one in the place
24:30They come in Tuesday, as a matter of fact
24:33Obviously, it's not for me, it's for my nephew
24:35It's his birthday tomorrow, he'll be nine
24:37Yeah, oh, that's nice
24:38And he told me he's set his heart on an Aston Martin, so
24:41Yeah, well, you know, who wouldn't?
24:42To be honest with you, if I had the money, that is
24:44Out of all of them, that is the one I would, you know
24:46For my own personal use, I would choose that one
24:48You can have a go on it if you want
24:50Really?
24:51Yeah, sure
24:58Goes a bit, doesn't it?
24:59Yeah
25:04Sounds a bit rough to me
25:08Yeah, that's because you're not getting your tongue far enough back in your throat
25:14Oh, yes, good
25:15So, how much is it?
25:17Uh, the Aston Martin DB6 Plantagenet Silver
25:21Uh, that's £4
25:23£4?
25:24Yeah, and it's one owner, immaculate history
25:28It's not new, then?
25:30Oh, no, no, no, no
25:31No, you won't get a new Aston for £4
25:33That is cheap, that is a good price
25:35For an Aston, £4 is cheap, I'm telling you
25:37And obviously, we make sure that the vehicle is completely immaculate
25:40Before it goes out of here
25:42We do a complete five-point check on the vehicle
25:45We clean and polish it
25:48And then we do the other four things that are included in the five-point check
25:52Basically, we do everything that is humanely possible to the car
25:58Well, look, if you're not sure, you know, why not bring your nephew in?
26:00You know, if he knows about Astons, maybe he'd like to have a look underneath it, you know
26:03We can have a look underneath it now, if you want
26:07Clean?
26:08It is clean, it is clean, yes
26:09Um, do you exchange?
26:11Well, what's he got at the moment?
26:13A tractor
26:15Well, I'll be lucky to shift a tractor by New Year
26:17Uh, might be 40p
26:19He's very fond of his tractor
26:22Alright, then
26:23It's his birthday
26:24You're an ugly bastard
26:2550p
26:28You know, I'd just, um, just like to tell you about this cigarette case
26:32Um, it used to belong to my grandfather on my parents' side
26:36Um, uh
26:39He was given it as, uh, by his godniece as a kind of, uh, loss of virginity presentry
26:46Uh, he took it with him to Flanders in 1912 when he went there on holiday
26:51Then he took it again in 1915 when he went to fight in the war
26:55Now, what grandfather used to do is he would keep cigarettes in it like this
27:00And if he wanted one, he would simply take it out, smoke it and close the case again
27:06Now, he used to keep his cigarette case here in the breast pocket of his field tunic or battle blouse
27:14Now, one day grandfather had to go over the top, out of the trenches, into action
27:19And he was shot by a German sniper clean through the temple
27:26Now, if grandfather had worn his cigarette case here
27:32Um, it would have an unpleasant dent in it
27:38And I'd be alive today
27:43Oh, that's brilliant, that is, that's fantastic
27:46What?
27:48So wars are funny now, are they? First of all, it was just a joke to you, I suppose, was it?
27:52Well, yes, not very well told
27:54Oh, right, so the Great War and World War II were just vast entertainments laid on for your benefit, were they?
28:00Well, if you put it that way, then obviously, yes
28:04Do you know, do you know, I wonder, what it's like to die?
28:08No, I don't, I don't
28:09No, right, but do you think it's funny that millions of people died for you?
28:13I don't think millions of people did die for me, they didn't know me, I wasn't born
28:17They happened to be dying for generations yet unborn, which I think includes you, doesn't it?
28:21Yes, but they didn't know that, did they? I mean, they didn't go into battle shouting,
28:24Let's die for Stephen Fry, who may or may not be born one day
28:28Mr Ben Walton
28:29Oh, forget it, forget it, sick you are, sick
28:33Well, I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen, I mean, the fact is I am sick
28:38But I don't think even Hugh knows quite how sick I am
28:42The fact is, and this is something only Hugh's closest friends are aware of,
28:44that he has been suffering now for some time from a gradual but persistent deterioration in his eyesight
28:52Normally, it's absolutely fine, no one would ever know
28:55He learns the position of all the furniture, all the props on stage, and no one could ever guess
29:00But today, so sick am I, I just went out this morning and moved everything here
29:08I'm sorry, it was sick of me, as you can see, he's completely disoriented, I don't know
29:14I don't know why I did it, I'm sorry, it was sick of me
29:16All right, come on, come on, let's get on with it
29:22So much for sick
29:24Now, Whitlow, I don't know how to tell you this, so I'm going to have to come straight out with it
29:29I'm afraid I can't let you go on the escape
29:31I'm sorry, sir?
29:32I can't let you go on the escape, Whitlow
29:34Well, why not, sir?
29:35Because, Whitlow, because you're blind, that's why not
29:37No, I'm not, sir
29:38You're blind, Whitlow, and I can't jeopardise the lives of 14 other prisoners
29:41just because one of the members of the escape party happens to be blind
29:46Pardon, sir?
29:47I said I can't jeopardise the lives of 14 other prisoners
29:50I can't jeopardise...
29:53What's the matter, are you deaf?
29:54Yes, sir
29:57You're deaf and blind?
29:58No, just deaf, sir
30:00Oh, you're blind as well, Whitlow, you keep bumping into things
30:03Oh, that, oh well, that's just a joke, sir
30:07It's not very funny, is it?
30:08Well, the chap's like it, sir
30:11You'll pardon the pun?
30:12What pun?
30:13Isn't there a pun?
30:14No, I'm sorry
30:16All right, you claim you can see, I have here, Whitlow, an electric carving knife
30:21I'm going to plug it in, switch it on, and throw it at you
30:26If you don't drop it, I'll let you go on the escape
30:28I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, sir
30:31You haven't thrown it yet
30:33Actually, actually, I was telling a bit of a lie just now
30:35Ah, you mean you're not deaf
30:37No, I mean I am blind
30:38You're blind and deaf
30:39Pardon?
30:41Well, I can't very well let you go on the escape if you're deaf and blind, now can I, Whitlow?
30:44Was a full-on hope, sir, yes
30:46Just a moment
30:47If you're deaf, how can you hear what I'm saying?
30:50I can lip-read, sir
30:53Lip-read?
30:54But you're blind
30:55Pardon?
30:57How can you read my lips if you're blind?
31:00Oh, well, it's because I'm deaf, sir, that my sense of vision is naturally enhanced
31:05Blind people are known to have very keen hearing, so they sort of cancel each other out
31:10You mean you can see and hear perfectly?
31:11Yes, because I'm blind and deaf
31:15One miraculously compensates for the other
31:18You poor beggar
31:19But I still can't let you go on the escape
31:21It's because I'm dumb, isn't it, sir?
31:24It's a talker's world
31:26What are you talking about?
31:27You can't talk here, nobody, nothing, zero
31:29Whitlow, shut up
31:30They think it means I'm stupid, but I've got ideas, I can think
31:32Be quiet, Whitlow
31:33You are not coming on this escape
31:35If it's because I can't smell, sir
31:36Whitlow, you are not coming on this escape, and that is final
31:39But, sir, I lost my sense of smell while forging the minutest details of a thousand Nazi documents
31:44You can't come because you're a bastard, and we hate you, we don't want you
32:00Oh, hi, Bradley, I just looked in to see if I couldn't have a borrow of your garden sprinkling
32:05Oh, sure, mate, help yourself, it's over there in the cooley
32:08Thanks, mate
32:10By the way, how are Javelina and Trevlin these days?
32:14Jinx, mate, don't reopen old wounds
32:16Was I doing that, Craig, was I reopening old wounds, old sores?
32:19Certainly were
32:21Listen, Shane, a word to the wise
32:23If you want to re-establish your relationship with those two, you've got to stop running away from yourself
32:30Jinx, mate, don't you think I know that?
32:31Don't you think I've tried not running away from myself?
32:35Seems like every time I look out the window, there I go, herring down the street
32:39Away from yourself?
32:40Away from myself, precisely
32:42How does Donna feel about this?
32:44Owen, I'm going to ask you man-to-man, leave Donna out of this
32:48I'm sorry, keep your sweat on
32:50It's OK, mate, it's just that ever since Morwenna's graphic design studio went down the tubes, I've just seemed to have withdrawn right into myself
32:58Oh, heck, Finlay, you can't blame yourself for that
33:02Sean over-capitalised, you warned him time and time enough
33:06Yeah, but performance is the bottom line, Clark, and I hold myself accountable in no small measure
33:11Well, how do you think I feel, Declan, for crike's sake?
33:15I personally underrate the equity on Yvonne's marital boutique
33:19It's my ass on the bottom line too, you know
33:21Listen, you leave Yvonne out of this, alright?
33:24Jinx, mate, I'm sorry
33:25God, it's pretty stuffy in here, why don't we get some fresh air?
33:28Sure, mate, help yourself, there's some air freshener in the dunny over there
33:32Oh, by the way, I know what it was I wanted to say to you
33:34We're having a barbie tomorrow night, do you want to come along?
33:37You leave barbie out of this!
33:41No, no, a barbecue
33:42It's to celebrate the opening of Morquinda's new executive fitness centre and garage
33:48Sounds great
33:49OK, then
33:50Oh, Jims!
33:51What?
33:52I've just seen Joycey coming up the pathy
33:54Oh, Jims!
33:56Listen, there's something I've been discussing with Castella and Lillette
34:01I'd rather that, you know, Joycey and Lenore didn't find out about this
34:05Spit it out, mate, she's almost here
34:07Look, I don't know how to tell you this, mate
34:09It's hard for me to say
34:10The fact is, I've been having, well, affair
34:13It's the only word
34:14I've been having an affair with you for some time now
34:18What?
34:19It's true
34:21You bastard!
34:23Look, mate, you had to find out sooner or later
34:26Rather it came from me, that's all
34:29You mean we've been sleeping together all this time, behind my back?
34:34Look, I've said I'm sorry, I don't know what else I can say
34:38The fact is that I was vulnerable and you were there
34:42You'd leave me out of this?
34:45I've said I'm sorry, I just don't know what else I can say, mate
34:48Why am I always the last one to know?
34:50It won't happen again, Vin, I promise
34:52I just wish that if you were gonna sleep with me, you could at least have done it to my face
34:56Right, I'll bear that in mind for next time
35:00The truth is, mate, I was confused and slightly bewildered
35:05I've just discovered that Durnick isn't my real father
35:09Is he? Well, then who is?
35:11I am
35:14Then that must mean that you must be...
35:16Exactly
35:17Devlin's half-sister's wife's doctor's cousin's niece
35:21Well, then who the hell am I?
35:24I don't know, mate, but it's your round
35:59THE END