Two misfits embark upon an odyssey to reverse their unlucky family's misfortunes.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:30I
00:00:55just want to know one thing, Fredo. Who was the guy sitting next to Don Ding Dong?
00:01:01It was his brother, Don Twinkini. He is a food chief in another country.
00:01:10You always win, don't you, Fredo? You always win.
00:01:13It was between the brothers. I had nothing to do with it.
00:01:18I'm going to leave you, Fredo. I'm going to take your children, born and unborn, to
00:01:24you. You're not taking my children. You're not taking my children.
00:01:40Don't you know I could never allow it? That I would use everything in my power to keep
00:01:46that from ever happening? I know that you blame me for your miscarriage,
00:01:54for having sent you to the fat farm to lose weight, since I don't allow you to eat anything
00:02:01other than junk food. But I can change. I can. If history has taught
00:02:10us anything, everything can change. You don't get it, do you? It wasn't a miscarriage,
00:02:17Fredo. It was an abortion. An attempted abortion. They were twin boys, Fredo. Two sons. I've
00:02:30taken them and I've hidden them away from you someplace safe. Someplace you'll never
00:02:39find them. Where are my boys? Where are my boys?
00:02:48One of these days, Marilyn, this rocket will launch a man to the moon.
00:02:56Really? Jack, can I touch your rocket? Sure.
00:03:01Oh, Jack. Jack, launch me into orbit. Oh my God, it's Jackie. If she finds you here,
00:03:09we're both through. You have to get out of here.
00:03:11Where? Anywhere. No, this way.
00:03:15Jack. Thank God. I thought you were Jackie.
00:03:20In the bedroom. I'm so glad to see you. Is everything okay?
00:03:25Oh, yes. I had twins. Two boys. I think they're boys.
00:03:31Are they mine? No, they're Fredo's.
00:03:36Thank God. I mean, thank God they're his. Healthy. They are healthy, aren't they?
00:03:44They have great hair. I just didn't know where to turn to.
00:03:50I just didn't know who to see. Now, now.
00:03:55I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
00:04:06Thank you. I'm sorry.
00:04:10Now, now, now. If I can't help the gorgeous women whom I'm intimately involved with,
00:04:14with their problems, then what good am I? Are you sure?
00:04:18Sure, I'm sure. Why, there was this little Vietnamese girl I was seeing once.
00:04:24She had a problem with a fellow back home. I sent in the troops. It'll be over like that.
00:04:32I just didn't want little Angelo and little Michael to be raised his way, the Fredo way.
00:04:37So I hid them, and next thing I know, he told me he was going to murder me
00:04:43if I didn't tell him where those kids were. Well, where are they?
00:04:47Well, they're with my grandparents. They helped with the delivery.
00:04:55Come on, America. Come on, Abortion. Abortion. Come on, America. Come on.
00:05:01Come on and try a little. Come on. All right. One more time now.
00:05:06And a one, and a two, and a three.
00:05:15Hey, it's a boy. It's a boy with a big shot. Oh, it's a beautiful big shot.
00:05:21Oh, where? A school. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I see another head.
00:05:26Or maybe it's an ass. I knocked it down.
00:05:29Are you sure?
00:05:37I didn't know your grandparents were still alive.
00:05:40Somewhat. My grandfather, he's great. His name's Misario. He came from the old country.
00:05:49A real immigrant. That's the greatness of this country.
00:05:53He was a politician, too, you know. He was a great speaker.
00:05:58Hey, the United States of Antarctica, land of opportunity.
00:06:04Ask not what your country can do for you, but ask what you can do for yourself.
00:06:16Not bad. It's not bad at all.
00:06:19Listen, here's what I want you to do.
00:06:22Michael and Angelo, they're safe with your grandparents, right?
00:06:25Yes. Leave them there. I'm going to send you away for a little while.
00:06:29There's this lovely little island paradise off the coast of Florida. It's called Cuba.
00:06:36You'll love it there. I'll take care of Don Frito.
00:06:41Jack, I'm scared. Frito's a dangerous man. What if he finds me?
00:06:48What if he hurts you?
00:06:50Mary Kay, what could possibly happen to me? I'm the president.
00:07:18I'm the president.
00:07:48I'm the president.
00:08:18He's hot out here.
00:08:38Oh, my pits smell like an orangutan.
00:08:42Yeah, they do.
00:08:46Hey, Angie, somebody's coming. Assume the position.
00:08:58Hello. My name's Redwood. Redwood, stop. What's your name?
00:09:04You look just like...
00:09:06Resemblance.
00:09:07It's amazing.
00:09:08Uncanny.
00:09:09The Riddler!
00:09:14The bus should be coming along soon.
00:09:16Oh, yeah, I'm sure it will. But listen, until it gets here, you don't mind if we tell you a little bit about ourselves, do you?
00:09:22We're twin brothers.
00:09:23Yeah, the Misery Brothers.
00:09:25Know about us. You've got to understand about our family. It always starts with family.
00:09:30The heads of the other junk food families, Don Dorito, Don Cheeto, Don Pretzel, are very angry about our cutting prices.
00:09:38There will be slashing and bloodshed in the marketplace in retaliation.
00:09:44And there's even rumors of an all-out war between the families, maybe federal intervention.
00:09:53You've got to make some small token concession.
00:09:59A billion dollar donation to the FDA would buy us some valuable time.
00:10:09You come to my home on the day I am to be reunited with my forever lost sons.
00:10:21And you ask me to commit the ultimate sin, voluntarily giving money to the federal government.
00:10:37What's the matter with you, are you?
00:10:43Am I what?
00:10:45I can't remember the last time you came to my house for a cup of coffee.
00:10:51You don't drink coffee.
00:10:56Can I be your special friend, Fairy Godfather?
00:11:11Keep going. Up the arm.
00:11:22The bulging biceps, all the way.
00:11:28Finally, I can drop the manly mumble voice, this masquerade I've been leading.
00:11:34I can come out of the cupboard and say, I want to be me, I want to be me.
00:11:49It's nothing personal, strictly business.
00:12:04I drink a little more than I used to.
00:13:05It seems that our associates have finally had some luck in finding your sons.
00:13:11You mean I'll finally have heirs to the Frito fortune?
00:13:16Someone to rely on to manage my affairs?
00:13:21Someone that can carry on the Frito-Way family tradition?
00:13:27No, but you do have two sons.
00:13:31Tell me, what are they like?
00:13:34Handsome? Powerful? Masculine men?
00:13:40The type that can walk into a room and everyone notices them?
00:13:45The type of men that, when you meet them, you can never forget them?
00:13:52Are my boys like that?
00:13:56They certainly make an impression.
00:14:07Well, my work is done here.
00:14:13That woman's crazy.
00:14:15Y'all just wait here. I'm going in first.
00:14:18I've got to prepare him for the experience of meeting y'all for the first time.
00:14:22I'm sure it's going to be a very emotional, trying experience for him.
00:14:26Not to mention, this man's got a bad heart.
00:14:29No problem. We won't mention his bad heart.
00:14:32Our lips are sealed.
00:14:35Don Frito?
00:14:38My name is Luke.
00:14:40Luke. Luke.
00:14:46I can't tell you how long I've waited for this moment.
00:14:49How much meeting you means to me.
00:14:53You what?
00:14:54No, no, no, no. Please don't speak. Don't ever speak.
00:15:00Where was I? What was I saying?
00:15:02You were saying, how I can't wait to meet this moment.
00:15:06How you, how much meeting you means to me.
00:15:10I know where I am now, thank you.
00:15:12Luke, search your heart.
00:15:15Look deep inside.
00:15:17I'm your father, Luke.
00:15:19You know it to be true.
00:15:21You don't know the power of the dark side.
00:15:25Channel your anger.
00:15:27Let it consume you with rage against the federal government.
00:15:33And together as father and son, we will rule the food universe.
00:15:39It's your destiny, my son.
00:15:43Say what?
00:15:44No, no, no, no. I'm not your son, man.
00:15:47What?
00:15:49I'm Luke Stairclimber.
00:15:51Who?
00:15:52I'm Luke Stairclimber.
00:15:55I'm detective hired by Hagen-Dazs to find your sons.
00:15:59Oh.
00:16:00Don Frito, these are your sons.
00:16:06Daddy.
00:16:09Daddy.
00:16:15Oh.
00:16:16Oh.
00:16:17Oh.
00:16:18Oh.
00:16:19Oh.
00:16:20Oh.
00:16:21Oh.
00:16:22Oh.
00:16:27And that was the first and last time we ever met our father.
00:16:30Just as we were getting to know him.
00:16:32He was gone with the wind.
00:16:34But even though we only knew him for a brief moment, there was a convulsion.
00:16:39Something was there between us.
00:16:41You could just feel it.
00:16:42A bondage thing.
00:16:44Anyway, that one meeting would change the course of our lives forever.
00:16:50Forever.
00:16:52And forever began at daddy's funeral.
00:17:12Christmas Eve.
00:17:16Christmas Eve.
00:17:19He's coming
00:17:20He's coming
00:17:21He's coming
00:17:22He's coming
00:17:23Through the dark
00:17:25Through the dark
00:17:26He's coming
00:17:27Through the dark
00:17:28He's coming
00:17:29Through the dark
00:17:30He's coming
00:17:31He's coming
00:17:32From the streets of Philadelphia
00:17:36From the projects where we came
00:17:39Overcome our sweet temptations and lie the words for me
00:17:45Back home!
00:17:46He killed a pimp, a young man
00:17:48Cleaned a death defense into the slammer
00:17:51That's where he went
00:17:53Woo!
00:17:53All right!
00:17:55He learned the trade here at the Bible
00:17:58And now he's here to tell us all about it
00:18:01Woo!
00:18:03Yeah!
00:18:05Yeah!
00:18:07Reverend Joseph!
00:18:09Reverend Joseph!
00:18:11Come in, come in through that door
00:18:14He's coming, he's coming
00:18:16Yeah!
00:18:18Yeah!
00:18:22Don't you know, don't you know, don't you know?
00:18:25Reverend!
00:18:27Oh yeah!
00:18:28He's coming through that door
00:18:31Oh yeah!
00:18:33Oh yeah!
00:18:36Yeah!
00:18:37Yeah!
00:18:38Yeah!
00:18:39Woo!
00:18:45Woo!
00:19:09Thank you, precious hearts
00:19:13Can I get an amen?
00:19:15Amen!
00:19:16Praise the Lord!
00:19:18I said praise the Lord!
00:19:20Praise the Lord!
00:19:21Hallelujah!
00:19:22Hallelujah!
00:19:23Glory, glory!
00:19:24Hallelujah!
00:19:25Hallelujah!
00:19:26Walk the dog!
00:19:27Walk the dog!
00:19:28Make out the trash!
00:19:29Make out the trash!
00:19:31Yeah!
00:19:33And that's the reason we are here today
00:19:36Quiet!
00:19:38I want to hear a pin drop
00:19:43Now, as I was attempting to say
00:19:49We are here today to show our disrespect
00:19:54Our final disrespect
00:19:57To a man known to us all
00:20:01As Jeffrey Dahmer
00:20:03What a long funeral
00:20:05No, no, no
00:20:10As Don Frito Leleone
00:20:18Don Frito Leleone
00:20:21Was a great and filthy rich man
00:20:28Yes, he was
00:20:30He gave freely of his colossal wealth
00:20:34To all those causes
00:20:37In which he truly believed he could buy
00:20:42But he died before his mission
00:20:46Our mission was complete
00:20:51And now, due to certain accounting errors
00:20:56We have work to do
00:20:57Our beloved second son of Mary
00:21:00Needs seven million dollars
00:21:03That's a lot of money
00:21:04To keep its divine doors open
00:21:08The church needs this money
00:21:11I need this money
00:21:15Just last night
00:21:18The Lord Almighty himself
00:21:22In his infinite voice
00:21:25Spoke to me
00:21:28Saying
00:21:31Shyster
00:21:35If you don't get that money
00:21:38By noon next Sunday
00:21:41I will strike you dead
00:21:51This here looks like Don King
00:21:55One, two, three, four
00:21:57Are the Fritos
00:21:58For the Fritos
00:22:00One, two, three, four
00:22:02That's what it means
00:22:03Overcame
00:22:05Everything
00:22:07As Don Frito Leleone
00:22:10He got his wife
00:22:12He got his family
00:22:14He got his rich
00:22:15But they don't know
00:22:17They have that money
00:22:19That they can pay
00:22:20In the evening time
00:22:22Whoa!
00:22:43The reason I called you all here today
00:22:45Is for the reading of Don Frito Leleone's
00:22:47Last Will and Testament
00:22:49Old Testament or New Testament?
00:22:51Latest Testament
00:22:52Let's hear what he has to say
00:22:56I hereby confess to the murders of
00:23:05I, Don Frito Leleone
00:23:08Being of somewhat sound mind
00:23:10And out of shape body
00:23:12Do hereby bequeath my entire
00:23:14Junk food empire
00:23:16To my only known living heirs
00:23:19My two sons, Michael and Andrew
00:23:21No way!
00:23:22Wait!
00:23:23However, there are two conditions
00:23:27One, the two of you cannot be convicted
00:23:31Of a felony for a period of one year
00:23:34Two, you both must be married
00:23:37Within one year in order to attend
00:23:39To bare children and carry on
00:23:41The family name
00:23:43In the event either of these conditions
00:23:46Are not met
00:23:47My entire estate
00:23:49Will then be bequeathed
00:23:51To the second son of Mary Church
00:23:53Hallelujah!
00:23:56Amen
00:24:07In life, Grand
00:24:09In our whole lives
00:24:10We've only had each other
00:24:11Our morals, our pride
00:24:13Our dignity
00:24:14Our self worthlessness
00:24:16Yeah, and now we have 200 million dollars
00:24:21Hey, you don't think we'll change, do you, Mike?
00:24:25You can take a misery out of the sewer
00:24:28But you can never get rid of the statue
00:24:31Yeah, I guess you're right
00:24:33You don't think Daddy would be upset with us
00:24:35For knocking over his casket
00:24:37And getting run over by a truck, do you?
00:24:39No, these things happen from time to time
00:24:42I know, but I still feel guilty
00:24:44I mean, him having to be cremated and all
00:24:46I'm sure he would have wanted to be buried here
00:24:48At Fredo Lawn with the rest of his dead family
00:24:50Ang, put yourself in his shoes
00:24:54Okay
00:25:01If your body was mangled
00:25:03Your head decapitated
00:25:05Massive chunks of your face missing
00:25:07Because they were ground up by a truck axle
00:25:09Would you want to be put in the ground
00:25:11Looking like that?
00:25:12Next to people who know you?
00:25:15Yeah, I guess you're right
00:25:16Of course I'm right, it's better this way
00:25:19Look, he'll be happier here amongst his family
00:25:21People who know him and love him for what he's done for us
00:25:25Yeah
00:25:27Come on, let's find somewhere nice to put him
00:25:29Somewhere comfy
00:25:33Operation Date Bait is ready to ramble
00:25:35And here's the plan
00:25:37The girls come over
00:25:38Now our two bozos will think they're doing real good with him
00:25:40The girls have been instructed to compliment them
00:25:42At every opportunity and laugh at all their jokes
00:25:46Soon, there's a little dancing, a little dinner
00:25:50A little hanky-panky
00:25:52And then they dial 911
00:25:55Rape
00:25:57Hasta la vista, misery brothers
00:25:59Hola, dinero
00:26:02You sure this will work?
00:26:03Listen, if you were on a jury
00:26:05Would you honestly believe the two beautiful women
00:26:07Would actually willingly have sex with these two?
00:26:10I get your point
00:26:13I can't believe Tom Hagendoss offered to help his fine wives
00:26:16I think we have a real friend
00:26:22Hey, Edge, you look good
00:26:25You too, Mike
00:26:26If I was a girl, like your sister instead of your brother
00:26:29I'd date you
00:26:32Thanks, Edge
00:26:33Sure, Mike
00:26:34Just remember, these girls aren't like the one we dated in the past
00:26:37They've got, uh, declassé
00:26:41Okay
00:26:42Now let's go over the basic don'ts one last time
00:26:44Don't cop a feel
00:26:46Never spit without a spittoon
00:26:49Don't adjust the family jewels
00:26:51Except nails
00:26:52And, um, um
00:26:54Ooh, ooh, ooh
00:26:55Don't tell no tall tales
00:26:57Exactly
00:26:58Just don't be ourselves and everything should go real smooth
00:27:01Like butter on a melon
00:27:03Na, na, na
00:27:06Knock, knock
00:27:08Who's there?
00:27:10It's Bambi
00:27:12And Fauna
00:27:15Bambi and Fauna who?
00:27:17Your date
00:27:28Your high beams are on
00:27:31Ooh, we took a cab
00:27:37Ah, ooh
00:27:40Hey!
00:27:49Ooh
00:27:52Thank you
00:27:53Thank you
00:28:06Chapo Frito
00:28:12South Bronx
00:28:14Last week
00:28:16Ooh
00:28:18Ah
00:28:21I hope you enjoy it
00:28:23Thanks, Quaz
00:28:24Thanks
00:28:26Nothing like fine wine and cheese
00:28:29Yeah, nothing like it
00:28:37I want to propose a toast
00:28:39Just a few days ago, my brother and I were merely actors
00:28:42Master thespians performing on this cruel stage that we call life
00:28:46But now, due to the timely death of our father
00:28:49We are a family
00:28:50To who we are, forever grateful
00:28:52Forever
00:28:54A toast
00:28:55To daddy
00:28:57L'chaim
00:29:00Seh shwan
00:29:14Today, the chef has prepared some real good food
00:29:19What is it?
00:29:20I have no freaking clue
00:29:22I just savour it
00:29:34So, how do you ladies know Tom Agendano?
00:29:37I used to do his brother
00:29:40And I used to do his sister
00:29:42That's real nice, keeping it in the family, you know
00:29:45How about you two?
00:29:47I wish strictly heterosapiens
00:29:49Strictly
00:29:51Today, we have a real dessert treat
00:29:59Torch Alaska
00:30:06Maybe later, Quazi
00:30:07We're still chowing down our lunch
00:30:09It's been very, very good
00:30:10Very good
00:30:12I'm so glad you all liked it
00:30:14Did you ever find out what it was?
00:30:15Oh, yeah
00:30:16The chef said it was black stallion
00:30:20What?
00:30:21Horse meat
00:30:23But don't worry
00:30:25They haven't killed a horse recently or nothing
00:30:28You see, there was this horse
00:30:33They cut his head off years ago for some gangster movie
00:30:37But they didn't want to waste the body
00:30:39Him being a thoroughbred price horse
00:30:41They just tossed it into the meat locker with the other stiffs
00:30:48You don't have to throw up on that
00:30:50He ain't fattening
00:30:53They must have witch stomach
00:31:11Brrr
00:31:18Guy, the jets aren't very strong
00:31:21They're not on
00:31:23I got gas
00:31:24God
00:31:25How about some bubbly?
00:31:36I love bubble bath
00:31:38It makes me feel so bubbly
00:31:43I love when the bubbles go up your rear end
00:31:48My little friend is getting very happy
00:31:55Can I say hello to you, little friend?
00:32:00Can I say hello to your little friend?
00:32:03You want to say hello to Mr. Python?
00:32:06Oh, yes
00:32:08You want to say hello to King Cobra?
00:32:11Yes
00:32:21Hey, come on
00:32:23You're gonna scare the snake
00:32:25Yeah, I think you made me go in my pants
00:32:36Hey, girls, girls, girls, listen
00:32:38Look, we're real sorry
00:32:40We didn't mean to spook you or nothing
00:32:42You know, it's just a jumbo-seater level candy, you see?
00:32:45Can I get some blankets or a towel or something?
00:32:48Sure, go ahead, grab it
00:32:49Before it freezes
00:32:51There you go
00:32:56Mike, hey, Mike
00:32:57Look, it's electric
00:33:07I heard the girls almost died
00:33:10Well, they're still on life support
00:33:12But the doctor said they should pull through
00:33:14I'll say a prayer for you
00:33:17So? I may have underestimated the enemy
00:33:20Big deal
00:33:21Hitler underestimated the Russian winner
00:33:23But he didn't freeze to death, did he?
00:33:25I'll give you one last chance
00:33:27That's all the chances I'll need
00:33:33Who are you?
00:33:36Strip to kill
00:33:39Strip to kill who?
00:33:41Let me in or it's gonna be you
00:33:48I wonder if it's a Michelangelo
00:33:54Whoa
00:33:56Hello, Dolly, hello
00:33:59Hey, how did you know my real name?
00:34:03Call me Psychic
00:34:06Psychic, huh?
00:34:10Well, I'm looking for Michelangelo Misery Leleoni
00:34:16You know him?
00:34:18Intimately
00:34:20Hey, your sexual preference is none of my business
00:34:23Live and let die, you know what I mean?
00:34:26I don't think you understand
00:34:28You calling me stupid?
00:34:30Oh
00:34:31My whole gold diggin' life
00:34:33Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid
00:34:36That's all I ever heard
00:34:38And I'm sick of it
00:34:39Can I help it if I was blessed with the money to buy these?
00:34:44Well, can I help it?
00:34:46My brother and I are thrilled that you had the money to buy your bazookas
00:34:49Yeah, I'd love a pair
00:34:51Wait a minute
00:34:54Did you say brothers?
00:34:58As in the misery brothers?
00:35:00Michel and Angelo at your service
00:35:06Well, how do?
00:35:10How do what?
00:35:12You're so silly
00:35:15I'm Southern Comfort
00:35:17Your surprise welcome home present for Mr. Hagen-Dazs
00:35:22That is so nice of him
00:35:24We should send him a thank you card
00:35:30Beep, beep, beep
00:36:01Mike, come on, get up
00:36:04Mike, get up
00:36:30Hey, hey
00:37:01Hey, hey
00:37:21Oh, my head hurts
00:37:24Mine too
00:37:27Gotta go, guys
00:37:29Have a blast
00:37:36Hey, Mike
00:37:38She forgot her boom box
00:37:46Hey, you got your boom box
00:37:49Bye-bye
00:37:58Ow!
00:38:17Look, I know what you're gonna say, but I swear it wasn't my fault
00:38:21Everything was going great
00:38:24She danced
00:38:26Got down and naked
00:38:28She just had no focus, her tits were too big
00:38:31It was like slam, bang, kaboom
00:38:34The whole thing lasted less than five minutes
00:38:37Now that it's over, she'll never dance for a man again
00:38:40Tom, it's your wife
00:38:42I was calling to ask if you wanted macaroni or casserole for dinner
00:38:46But it sounds like you've already had dessert
00:38:48I've been slaving over...
00:38:51Beep, beep, beep
00:38:54It's me
00:38:56Yeah, I heard what happened
00:38:58You already talked to my wife?
00:39:00Listen carefully, these brothers, they're real pros
00:39:04Bad boys in a good hood
00:39:06But bad ain't never mess with worse
00:39:09And good ain't never tangle with supreme
00:39:12You hear what I'm saying? Huh?
00:39:14Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
00:39:19Heh heh heh heh heh.
00:39:22Snoring.
00:39:29Snoring.
00:39:36Huh?
00:39:37Screaming.
00:39:47Good morning, guys.
00:39:49Morning, Quazi.
00:39:54Did you guys sleep well?
00:39:57Just like two crying babies.
00:40:00Hey, Quazi, can I ask you a question?
00:40:03Sure, as long as no harder than that.
00:40:06What did Daddy do for fun?
00:40:08I mean, all this is great and everything, but I'm starting to feel constipated.
00:40:13Yeah, Angie.
00:40:15Very congested.
00:40:17I mean, since we've been bestowed with all this fame and fortune, I feel like a celebrity or something.
00:40:21I feel like Madonna.
00:40:23Hey, why did you guys get away for a few hours?
00:40:26They're the flea of limo.
00:40:27Take a limo, go shopping or something.
00:40:29I don't feel comfortable driving no limo.
00:40:32It's so hard to park.
00:40:34Ain't that the truth.
00:40:37Suit yourselves.
00:40:45Hey, Mike, look over there.
00:40:49Oh, now that, my brother, is a slice of pure Americana.
00:40:52Do you want it anyway?
00:40:53Ah, come on.
00:41:03What a piece of hardware.
00:41:05You must be very proud.
00:41:07Ah, si, senor.
00:41:09This is the best leaf blower I ever had.
00:41:11I bought it at Sears.
00:41:13Where America shops.
00:41:16We're talking about the car.
00:41:20Ah, si, senor.
00:41:22This is the best car I ever had.
00:41:25What kind of car is it?
00:41:29It's an automatic.
00:41:30Systematic.
00:41:32Cruise control-o-matic.
00:41:34It's a 67 Chevy.
00:41:36A what?
00:41:37It's a 67 Chevy.
00:41:38Hey.
00:41:3967 Chevy.
00:41:40Hey.
00:41:4167 Chevy.
00:41:42We're cruising down the street.
00:41:43Yeah.
00:41:4467 Chevy.
00:41:45Hey.
00:41:4667 Chevy.
00:41:47Hey.
00:41:4867 Chevy.
00:41:49Now it just can't be beat.
00:41:50Yeah.
00:41:51Then one day we're walking down the street.
00:41:54We saw a lowrider that we thought was neat.
00:41:57So we decided it should be ours.
00:42:00Should be ours.
00:42:01Should be ours.
00:42:02Should be ours.
00:42:03We grabbed a crowbar and a handgun, too.
00:42:07Out of the car, it don't belong to you.
00:42:10At least not anymore.
00:42:12Anymore.
00:42:13Anymore.
00:42:14Anymore.
00:42:15So we got to the chop shop and took it all apart.
00:42:18It had the potential to be a cherry car.
00:42:22It just needed lots of work.
00:42:24Lots of work.
00:42:25Lots of work.
00:42:26Lots of work.
00:42:27So we rebuilt the engine and the body to a custom paint job that says,
00:42:33it ain't no jalopy no more.
00:42:36Not no more.
00:42:37Not no more.
00:42:38Not no more.
00:42:39Now we're driving our 67 Chevy.
00:42:43Hey.
00:42:4467 Chevy.
00:42:45Hey.
00:42:4667 Chevy.
00:42:47We're cruising down the street.
00:42:49Yeah.
00:42:5067 Chevy.
00:42:51Hey.
00:42:5267 Chevy.
00:42:53Hey.
00:42:5467 Chevy.
00:42:55Now it just can't be beat.
00:42:57Olé.
00:42:59So can we borrow the car or what?
00:43:0267 Chevy.
00:43:04Hey.
00:43:0567 Chevy.
00:43:06Hey.
00:43:0767 Chevy.
00:43:08We're cruising down the street.
00:43:0967 Chevy.
00:43:10Hey.
00:43:1167 Chevy.
00:43:12Hey.
00:43:1367 Chevy.
00:43:14Now it just can't be beat.
00:43:1667 Chevy.
00:43:17Hey.
00:43:1867 Chevy.
00:43:19Hey.
00:43:2067 Chevy.
00:43:21We're cruising down the street.
00:43:22Hey, Mike.
00:43:23I just realized something.
00:43:24What?
00:43:25This is the 51 Ford.
00:43:2651 Ford.
00:43:27Hey.
00:43:2851 Ford.
00:43:29Hey.
00:43:3051 Ford.
00:43:31We're cruising down the street.
00:43:3251 Ford.
00:43:33It just can't be beat.
00:43:34Hey, Edge.
00:43:35Look at the four legs on them.
00:43:36Oh, yeah.
00:43:37Look at the breasts.
00:43:38And the teeth.
00:43:39Oh.
00:43:40Hey.
00:43:41Hi, girls.
00:43:42Hi.
00:43:43Hi.
00:43:44Hey.
00:43:45Hey.
00:43:46Hey.
00:43:47Hey.
00:43:48Hey.
00:43:49Hey.
00:43:50Hey.
00:43:51Hey.
00:43:52Hey.
00:43:53Hey.
00:43:54Oh, yeah.
00:43:55Oh.
00:43:59Jesus.
00:44:07Jesus.
00:44:08Some people just don't know how to drive.
00:44:10Tailgaters.
00:44:11Shouldn't somebody help him?
00:44:12He could be hurt.
00:44:13He landed pretty hard.
00:44:15Well, even though his situation
00:44:16was caused completely by his own bad driving.
00:44:18Completely.
00:44:19I mean, we would offer to help him.
00:44:21Except for one reason.
00:44:22What's that?
00:44:23If we were to go there and pull him out and his head would become seven,
00:44:28he does one nine hundred revenge.
00:44:31And then it's hello ambulance chasers, goodbye two hundred million dollars.
00:44:35Excuse me, did I just hear you correctly?
00:44:37Hello ambulance chasers?
00:44:39No, I think she means the second part.
00:44:42Oh, goodbye two hundred million?
00:44:44Yes!
00:44:48Two hundred million, two hundred million, two hundred million.
00:44:53Now this will be two hundred million, two hundred million.
00:44:58It was the time of our lives.
00:45:00My brother and I had finally found true love.
00:45:02And not just with each other.
00:45:04Yeah.
00:45:05We were about to experience the ultimate fantasy.
00:45:08A tag team wrestling match, refereed by our hero, Rowdy Roddy Piper.
00:45:18The stakes were high.
00:45:19A winner take all match.
00:45:21The men against the girls.
00:45:23The prizes, two stuffed animals and two piñatas.
00:45:26Retail value less than twenty bucks.
00:45:29Yeah, but when you got two hundred million dollars,
00:45:32it's the little things in life that really matter.
00:45:36Ding!
00:45:44Go get him!
00:45:45Kill him! Kill him!
00:45:52Fight!
00:45:54Fight!
00:45:56Tag! Tag!
00:46:02Fight! Tag!
00:46:04Fight!
00:46:09Get him! Let's get him!
00:46:14Come on! Come on, yeah!
00:46:17Come on!
00:46:29You're out!
00:46:30You're out!
00:46:32Get him, Mike!
00:46:33Come on, Mike!
00:46:34You got him, Mike!
00:46:39Money! Money!
00:46:41Hmm.
00:46:42Yes?
00:46:43No?
00:46:44Come on, Mike!
00:46:45Money? Morals?
00:46:46Yes!
00:46:47Come on!
00:46:51That's wonderful, you know.
00:46:53I love this job.
00:46:55Ha ha ha!
00:46:58Look! It's Brad Pitt!
00:47:00Where? Where is he?
00:47:01Right over there! Right there!
00:47:02Brad Pitt? Where?
00:47:05Let's see.
00:47:25That referee is crooked. I have an idea.
00:47:29So, is there anything else I can do for you gentlemen,
00:47:31like your lawn, your girlfriends, your hair?
00:47:34Why don't you get a new barber there, huh?
00:47:36You tea champ.
00:47:38Excuse me, Mr. Rep.
00:47:39Oh, absolutely.
00:47:41But can you help me with these bagpipes?
00:47:43That was you, huh?
00:47:44Sounded like dinner was late at the dog pond,
00:47:46but I'll teach you how to blow my orange.
00:47:49Uh-oh.
00:48:07I remember it like it was only last week.
00:48:10It was only last week, Ainge.
00:48:13But from there,
00:48:14after what had been the best time of our lives,
00:48:17everything was about to turn to shit.
00:48:20Oh, I'll get her. I'll take her out.
00:48:22Up and at them, fellas.
00:48:23Huh?
00:48:24Up and at them.
00:48:25Yeah.
00:48:34Oh, I'm sorry. Wrong card.
00:48:35Huh?
00:48:36Oh, I'm so embarrassed.
00:48:38Who?
00:48:39Mom would kill me if she knew I still got a job.
00:48:42Mom would kill me if she knew I still carried this picture of her.
00:48:45She lost a lot of weight, you know.
00:48:47Yeah, her and Oprah.
00:48:48You guys want to see?
00:48:49No, no, no, no.
00:48:50All right.
00:48:51My name is Lieutenant Al Dente.
00:48:53Hi, Al.
00:48:54I'm Michael Misery.
00:48:55That's my twin brother, Angelo.
00:48:57I'm Angelo Misery.
00:48:58Nice to meet you.
00:49:00Excuse me a moment.
00:49:01Sure, Al.
00:49:02Take your tie back.
00:49:05You're absolutely positive?
00:49:06I've looked at samples myself.
00:49:08There's no question whatsoever it's a definite match.
00:49:10All right, toss it into the evidence and be careful.
00:49:12The D.A. may want it for a trial.
00:49:15That is if these two pizza kumbhas survive long enough in prison to even make it to court.
00:49:21Hey, Frank.
00:49:22I don't come down for nobody.
00:49:23Take it easy, Frank.
00:49:24Take it easy.
00:49:25Take it easy.
00:49:26Al.
00:49:29Al, you know what I found?
00:49:30What?
00:49:31I found this pair of nevertheless boxing gloves over these two female corpus delicti.
00:49:40All right, good work.
00:49:41Toss it into the evidence.
00:49:43Here.
00:49:46Gentlemen.
00:49:48We got a little problem.
00:49:54Says who?
00:49:55Says me.
00:49:56Says you?
00:49:57I didn't think so.
00:50:00Hi.
00:50:01Welcome to Trash Room TV.
00:50:03This is Debbie Seville.
00:50:04And I'm Jane Plymouth.
00:50:06Michael and Angelo Misery Leilioni have been indicted on the brutal double murder of two gold-digging prostitutes who worked reputedly for the Midnight Madam.
00:50:15They're currently being held at Maximum Security Federal Buttman Prison where they can survive the torturous and inhumane treatment that has become synonymous with Buttman.
00:50:27They will be brought to trial first thing in the morning in what promises to be the real media circus.
00:50:37Ha, ha, ha.
00:50:38It'll be a circus all right.
00:50:39And they're the clowns.
00:50:43Come on.
00:50:44Let's go get him.
00:50:45Get him.
00:50:46Get him.
00:50:47Get him.
00:50:48Come on.
00:50:51Okay, Warden.
00:50:52What do you want to do with these guys?
00:50:53The executive?
00:50:54Wait.
00:50:55No.
00:50:56That's for the V.F.P.s.
00:50:57These two?
00:50:58I don't think anybody really cares.
00:51:00Too much.
00:51:01Come on.
00:51:03Hey, Warden.
00:51:05Hey, Warden.
00:51:06Think she's had enough?
00:51:10Give her three weeks.
00:51:11She'll crack.
00:51:12They all crack.
00:51:13Then they cry.
00:51:23Hey, knock it off, you two.
00:51:25You're almost home.
00:51:26Yeah, home sweet home.
00:51:28You don't mean in there.
00:51:30This guy looks hungrier than Jeffrey Dahmer.
00:51:32He had him for lunch.
00:51:33And had him elected for dessert.
00:51:35Now, you two, I got something really special for you.
00:51:39You don't mean...
00:51:41The dryer!
00:51:46The dryer?
00:51:47Come on.
00:51:49Yeah, this place isn't so bad.
00:51:51You don't have to wrench for me.
00:51:54You two boys ready to confess?
00:51:57You a priest?
00:51:58Part time.
00:52:04Oh, I don't feel so good.
00:52:07Yeah, I'm feeling kind of blue.
00:52:11You got the blues?
00:52:25They got the misery blues
00:52:27And they had them all their lives
00:52:30They got the misery blues
00:52:32And they're filled with grief and strife
00:52:37Born miserable, miserable they'll stay
00:52:40Being miseries is the only way
00:52:43They got the misery blues
00:52:45And they had them every day
00:52:49The blues
00:52:50They got the misery blues
00:52:55Oh, the blues
00:52:56They got the misery blues
00:52:59They got the misery blues
00:53:04They smile at the children
00:53:06They're peace and subjecting
00:53:07Cause disaster will come
00:53:09To anyone who comes their way
00:53:13Thrown in jail for a crime they didn't commit
00:53:17That's what they say, that's what they say
00:53:19Innocence or guilt, frankly, I don't give a shit
00:53:23Don't give a shit, don't give a shit
00:53:25All I care is that a crime is done
00:53:28Here's Mr. Price, looks like you're the ones
00:53:31Now you're in the slammer
00:53:32And sure as hell you're gonna stay
00:53:35Gonna stay, gonna stay
00:53:37Oh, the blues
00:53:38They got the misery blues
00:53:43Yeah, the blues
00:53:44They got the misery blues
00:53:49They smile at the children
00:53:51They're peace and subjecting
00:53:52Cause disaster will come
00:53:54To anyone who comes their way
00:53:58guitar solo
00:54:22They got the misery blues
00:54:24And they had us on their eyes
00:54:27They got the misery blues
00:54:29And they're filled with grief and strife
00:54:34Boy, miserable, miserable, they'll stay
00:54:37Being misery is just their only way
00:54:40They got the misery blues
00:54:41And they had them every day
00:54:46Oh, the blues
00:54:47They got the misery blues
00:54:52The blues
00:54:53They got the misery blues
00:54:57They smile at the children
00:54:59They're peace and subjecting
00:55:00Cause disaster will come
00:55:03To anyone who comes their way
00:55:07The blues
00:55:08They got the misery blues
00:55:13Oh, the blues
00:55:14They got the misery blues
00:55:19They smile at the children
00:55:21They're peace and subjecting
00:55:22Cause disaster will come
00:55:25To anyone who comes their way
00:55:29Cause disaster will come
00:55:32To anyone who comes their way
00:55:42Well, thank you.
00:55:43Thank you very much.
00:55:46Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome.
00:55:48This is the main event of the evening.
00:55:50Twelve rounds of litigation
00:55:52for the undisputed life or death of the defendants,
00:55:55the Misery Brothers.
00:55:56And fighting out of the defense corner,
00:55:58representing the public defender's office
00:56:00with a horrendous record of zero wins,
00:56:0337 defeats, and one hung jury,
00:56:06although several jurors did survive,
00:56:08I give you the pride of Pig Bay, Cuba,
00:56:11the one and only Ima Barrister.
00:56:16And now, fighting out of the prosecution corner,
00:56:19this distinguished professional
00:56:21has amassed an amazing record of 74 victories,
00:56:2560 by gas chamber,
00:56:2710 by torture,
00:56:29and one by lethal elocution.
00:56:32I give you the one, the only,
00:56:34the incomparable F.B. Wheatley.
00:56:46Presiding over the action,
00:56:48this former restaurateur-turned-judge
00:56:51has presided over some of the most infamous
00:56:54and botched mistrials in history.
00:56:56It is with great pleasure that I give you
00:56:59the ever-popular, proud-pleasing people's judge,
00:57:03the one and only Judge Ben E. Hanna.
00:57:08Ah!
00:57:14Ah!
00:57:16Ah!
00:57:23Housemates!
00:57:26Yeah!
00:57:34All right, bailiffs, bring in the defendants.
00:57:38Oh, my neck.
00:57:48Misery, brothers.
00:57:50This an argument for birth control.
00:57:55Whoo! Whoo!
00:58:00All right, will the litigants please approach the bench.
00:58:15Uh, Ben?
00:58:18Ahem. Yes, sir.
00:58:22Now, I want a good, clean trial.
00:58:27No hitting below the belt, no book deals,
00:58:30no posturing in the press.
00:58:33This trial will be conducted in this courtroom,
00:58:36not under the big top of the media.
00:58:39Now, any violations of these very simple rules,
00:58:43and I will hold you in contempt, sanction you.
00:58:47I'll have you maimed and disbarred.
00:58:50Now, am I very clear on this matter?
00:58:53Oh, yes, Your Honour.
00:58:57Crystal.
00:58:59Very well.
00:59:05Let's try this case.
00:59:15Your Honour?
00:59:17Would you please rescind the gag order
00:59:20so brutally imposed on my clients?
00:59:25Uh...
00:59:27Mr. Weakley, do you have any objections?
00:59:30Nah. What have they got to say?
00:59:33Uh, sure, as long as they don't talk too much.
00:59:37Oh, I promise. Thank you.
00:59:40You are so sweet.
00:59:48Where's our regular attorney?
00:59:50Yeah, where's Tom Hagendoss?
00:59:52Oh, he's not coming.
00:59:54What?
00:59:56Maybe this will help.
01:00:01Ah!
01:00:03Yes! Oh, give it to me!
01:00:06Oh, yes!
01:00:08Excuse me. My husband and I are trying to work something out.
01:00:11Here we go.
01:00:13Under the post-human revisions of my law,
01:00:16under the revisions of my latest will,
01:00:19your inheritance and every one that comes with it
01:00:22are hereby frozen.
01:00:25Frozen?
01:00:27Ending the outcome of this trial.
01:00:31Here you go.
01:00:33Um, could you give us a moment alone, please?
01:00:36Yeah.
01:00:38Sure.
01:00:41What do you think, Mike?
01:00:43The things I'd like to do to her.
01:00:45The situation.
01:00:47Oh. Well, we could call our cousin Vinnie.
01:00:50But I hear he's doing a sequel.
01:00:52Yeah. Angie.
01:00:55Miss Barrister?
01:00:59Yes?
01:01:03What do you charge?
01:01:05It is easy to get credit.
01:01:07Oh, I'm very easy. And real cheap.
01:01:10I'm provided as a service by the state.
01:01:13Please, no charge.
01:01:15Oh, God bless America.
01:01:17I love this country.
01:01:22Are we about ready for opening statements?
01:01:25Persecution ready, Your Honor.
01:01:27Oh, yes, Your Majesty.
01:01:29Very well, then.
01:01:31Now, in order to speed things up and execute people,
01:01:34I have taken the liberty to personally interview
01:01:38and select the jury.
01:01:41Your Honor, with all due circumspect,
01:01:44the process of voir dire, or jury erection,
01:01:47is semi-guaranteed
01:01:49under the munificently inadequate constituency
01:01:53of this great state.
01:01:55I feel it would be tragic...
01:01:57Ah!
01:02:02...if I were to continue.
01:02:04I get your point.
01:02:07Great.
01:02:09Well, now it's time to bring in the jury.
01:02:30Oh, that's some jury form.
01:02:32Very patriotic.
01:02:40Court reporter, if you please.
01:02:52Mr. Wheatley, you may begin.
01:02:55Thank you, Judge.
01:02:57Ladies and gentle bosoms of the jury,
01:03:03let's keep abreast of the facts.
01:03:07We put up a strong front.
01:03:10You can't be a hung jury.
01:03:15It's not a matter of tit-for-tat.
01:03:18You're here today to see that justice is served.
01:03:23That these two bloody rare murderers are cooked.
01:03:28Well done.
01:03:31These two miserable excuses for you, my dear,
01:03:34two miserable excuses for human beings,
01:03:37brutally killed two of the best pieces of ass
01:03:41that money can buy.
01:03:43I know.
01:03:45I was there.
01:03:47In the trenches, between the sheets,
01:03:50mano-a-mano, call girl,
01:03:54to Marine.
01:03:58Our evidence is irresponsible and concealing.
01:04:02We have matching gloves,
01:04:05fingerprints,
01:04:07perpetrators obscene at the scene of the crime.
01:04:10That's very mean.
01:04:12And most crucible to the state of our union,
01:04:15F.N.A. evidence,
01:04:18so complex
01:04:20that I promise you,
01:04:22you will have no idea
01:04:25what the hell it is.
01:04:27And so I explore you,
01:04:30make your gold line stand.
01:04:34Act like real men.
01:04:37Win one for the unkind,
01:04:39win one for the gibble.
01:04:43Okay.
01:04:45Who's the gibble?
01:04:50Miss Barrister?
01:04:52Present.
01:04:53Uh, no, no, sweetheart.
01:04:55Your opening statement.
01:05:00Thank you.
01:05:23This case is really a lot easier than I look.
01:05:28You have two allegedly dead women,
01:05:32two allegedly alive suspects.
01:05:39What does it all mean?
01:05:41Have aliens visited us?
01:05:45Is there life after death?
01:05:49And if there is,
01:05:52is it brutally murdering somebody,
01:05:55really just giving them a new life?
01:05:59Objection, Your Honor.
01:06:01Statement requires thought on the part of the jury.
01:06:05Uh, sustained.
01:06:07Miss Barrister,
01:06:09you will refrain from using any statements or questions
01:06:13that require thought.
01:06:15Yes, my lord.
01:06:19In closing the cookbook,
01:06:22Mr. Weakley states my clients should be deep fried.
01:06:26Hmm.
01:06:27Well, look at these two.
01:06:41Look at how pitiful they are.
01:06:44How pathetic.
01:06:47Now I ask you,
01:06:49who are the real victims in this crime?
01:06:52Is Elvis alive?
01:06:55And do these guys deserve to die
01:06:59just because they're worthless losers?
01:07:05I don't think so.
01:07:08Mm-mm.
01:07:10Not this time.
01:07:14Uh, Mr. Weakley, call your first witness, please.
01:07:20Hello, Al? It's F. Me.
01:07:24F. Me.
01:07:26No, F. You, Al. It's F. Me.
01:07:30Right.
01:07:31Listen, I need you to come down and testify.
01:07:34Okay.
01:07:36I saw a bacteria cell on the chrome bumper of the car.
01:07:41Realizing the occupants of the estate
01:07:44were in a potentially life-threatening situation,
01:07:47my partner, Detective Frank and I,
01:07:50decided to act, and we did.
01:07:53Frank, the occupants of this estate
01:07:56appear to be in a potentially life-threatening situation.
01:08:00You know, you're absolutely, positively, 100% correct, Al.
01:08:05Let me ask you something.
01:08:07Should we get a warrant,
01:08:09or should I jump the fence and grab the alleged percolator?
01:08:12I don't think so, Frank.
01:08:14I don't think so, Frank.
01:08:16My sentiment's exact.
01:08:24And the rest is history.
01:08:26Michael and Angelo, after we, uh,
01:08:28we roughed them up a little bit, basically confessed.
01:08:31And, uh, Lieutenant Frank, finally gloves.
01:08:34That's it.
01:08:36Lieutenant Dente.
01:08:38Yeah?
01:08:39Call me, uh...
01:08:41Call me Big Al.
01:08:43Big Al.
01:08:45Did you plant the gloves?
01:08:47No. No.
01:08:49No further questions.
01:08:53Now, Detective Frank,
01:08:55just like we rehearsed...
01:08:57Yeah.
01:08:59I heard the ding-ding.
01:09:02The next thing I know,
01:09:04the gloves, they was on me hands.
01:09:07They was a perfect...
01:09:10Match. Match.
01:09:12Great.
01:09:13Objection, Your Honor.
01:09:15Yes, Mr. Barrister.
01:09:21The witness is reading from a teleprompter.
01:09:24Sidebar.
01:09:27Sidebar?
01:09:34A day! A day!
01:09:40Your Honor,
01:09:42what do you think about the teleprompter issue?
01:09:45Witness reads very badly.
01:09:48Hmm.
01:09:50Uh, please continue.
01:09:51As I was saying,
01:09:53well, I heard the ding-ding
01:09:55and the boom-bing, uh,
01:09:57something like that,
01:09:58but the next thing I know,
01:09:59the gloves was in my hands
01:10:01and they were a perfect match.
01:10:03Objection, Ben.
01:10:05Yes, Ima.
01:10:07The witness is being coached.
01:10:11Sidebar?
01:10:13I sure am thirsty.
01:10:22Mazel tov.
01:10:23Shalom.
01:10:25Break a leg.
01:10:34My lord,
01:10:35what do you think about the coaching issue?
01:10:38Coaching. Coaching.
01:10:40Very badly.
01:10:41I, Eureka Santiago,
01:10:43do solemnly swear to tell the whole truth
01:10:45and nothing but the whole damn truth
01:10:47or may the big man upstairs smack my ass down.
01:10:49Okay?
01:10:51Miss Santiago.
01:10:53Santiago?
01:10:54Of course.
01:10:55Eureka, what is your current preoccupation?
01:10:59I'm a domestic serbian
01:11:01at the estate of the diseased
01:11:03Don Fijolay.
01:11:05Well, I didn't know he had a name.
01:11:08No wonder we could eat off the floor.
01:11:10Committed the gruesome double murders
01:11:12of our dearly beloved.
01:11:14I object.
01:11:15Yeah, me too.
01:11:16On what grounds?
01:11:18Shalom.
01:11:20That's very deep, Mike.
01:11:28You may continue, Mr. Weakley.
01:11:30Thank you.
01:11:32As I was saying before I was so crudely interpreted,
01:11:35tell us everything you saw or didn't see
01:11:37on the night in question.
01:11:39Look, like I said before,
01:11:41I didn't see nothing.
01:11:42I don't know nothing.
01:11:44You don't know nothing?
01:11:51I don't know nothing.
01:11:52Nothing.
01:11:53There ain't nothing that I seen.
01:11:55I don't know nothing.
01:11:57Nothing.
01:11:58So why you bothering me?
01:12:00Why?
01:12:01I'm just a maid doing her job.
01:12:03These two guys, they're really big slobs.
01:12:05I don't know nothing.
01:12:07Nothing.
01:12:08Nothing at all.
01:12:09Nothing at all.
01:12:10I got me a job working nine to five.
01:12:14Nine to five.
01:12:15I'm telling you the truth,
01:12:17and baby, that's no job.
01:12:19No job.
01:12:20The clock strikes five when I look at me.
01:12:23I just lie around painting in the shade.
01:12:25I don't know nothing.
01:12:26Nothing.
01:12:27Nothing.
01:12:28Nothing at all.
01:12:29Everybody.
01:12:30You don't know nothing?
01:12:32Nothing.
01:12:33Nothing.
01:12:34There ain't nothing that she seen.
01:12:36She don't know nothing.
01:12:38Nothing.
01:12:39So why you bothering me?
01:12:41Why?
01:12:42She's just a maid doing her job.
01:12:44These two guys are really big slobs.
01:12:46She don't know nothing.
01:12:47Nothing.
01:12:48Nothing.
01:12:49Nothing at all.
01:12:50Nothing at all.
01:12:51Yes.
01:12:52She got her job working nine to five.
01:12:55Nine to five.
01:12:57She's telling you the truth,
01:12:58and baby, that's no job.
01:13:00No job.
01:13:01The clock strikes five and she don't get paid.
01:13:04She don't lie around hanging in the shade.
01:13:06She don't know nothing.
01:13:07Nothing.
01:13:08Nothing.
01:13:09Nothing at all.
01:13:13Nothing at all.
01:13:32Nothing.
01:13:33Nothing.
01:13:34Nothing.
01:13:35Nothing.
01:13:36Nothing.
01:13:37Nothing.
01:13:38Don't know nothing at all.
01:13:48Aha!
01:13:49Dismissed!
01:13:53As I was saying,
01:13:55I eat breakfast every morning in a donut stand
01:13:59200 yards from the enemy.
01:14:01Hey, the guy that re-rendered us.
01:14:03The tailgater.
01:14:04...in the virtual war zone.
01:14:06You applaud, Santiago,
01:14:08yet you despise me for the very comforts I afford you.
01:14:15Did you order Detective Mancini
01:14:18and Lieutenant Al Dente to plant the black gloves?
01:14:22I specifically ordered the men not to touch Miss Santiago.
01:14:27Did you order Detective Mancini and Lieutenant Al Dente
01:14:31to plant the black gloves?
01:14:33I want the truth.
01:14:34The truth?
01:14:35The truth?
01:14:37You can't handle the truth!
01:14:40Listen, bimbo, we live in a world with walls.
01:14:44Big walls.
01:14:45Sometimes officers have to crash through them.
01:14:48It's their job.
01:14:50Did you order a code glove?
01:14:52No, I did not.
01:14:56Okay.
01:14:58Paige, you got problems.
01:15:01Big problems.
01:15:02Yeah.
01:15:03The state calls F.N.A. expert.
01:15:08Wilderness scientist Newton Gingrich Einstein.
01:15:26Sit down.
01:15:29Mr. Einstein, in someone else's words,
01:15:32please tell us extinctly what F.N.A. is.
01:15:36Fart naturally, anally.
01:15:39It's a 99.9% way of misidentifying someone
01:15:44through the genetic fingerprints that each of us leave.
01:15:48Everyone's farts have a unique appearance and personality.
01:15:53Exactly.
01:15:54Now I'm going to have our lovely exhibit model
01:15:57bring over that vile vile for your examination.
01:16:02Dirty rat.
01:16:13Now, can you scientifically identify the fart in question?
01:16:19I think I can do that.
01:16:23Okay.
01:16:43Okay, now that you've had a chance to incompletely recover,
01:16:47can you identify the type of fart
01:16:50and the perpetrators of the fart?
01:16:53The fart in question is of your classic sugar-coated
01:16:57breakfastus cerealus cereal.
01:17:03Or specifically, storybook cereal.
01:17:07And it was caused by them.
01:17:13Thank you.
01:17:14The persecution rests, your honor.
01:17:17Very good.
01:17:19Excellent case.
01:17:22Miss Barrister?
01:17:24Yes?
01:17:25Is there anything else you'd like to present to the court, sweetheart?
01:17:29Um...
01:17:32Yeah, um...
01:17:40Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
01:17:42What?
01:17:43I can't...
01:17:44Ooh!
01:17:45Look!
01:17:46What?
01:17:47Look!
01:17:48Miss Barrister!
01:17:49Miss Barrister!
01:17:50Here!
01:17:52Ooh!
01:17:54Ooh!
01:17:55Hey!
01:17:57Your honor, the defense calls the court reporter to the stand
01:18:01as an excellent expert F.N.A. witness.
01:18:05Rejection, your honor.
01:18:07What possible credentials could she have
01:18:09for such an odious and intellectually exhausting area of expertise?
01:18:14Fart!
01:18:19She's acceptable.
01:18:24Miss Steno.
01:18:26Oh, no, you can call me Susie.
01:18:28Susie.
01:18:29Yeah.
01:18:30What did you think about the prosecution's case?
01:18:33You think it can hold water?
01:18:37Like the Titanic.
01:18:41Hey, you think you can tell us what you were just eating?
01:18:44Storybook cereal.
01:18:46It's my favorite cereal.
01:18:48But it does give me just a little gas.
01:18:52Excuse me.
01:18:54Based on everything you've heard here today,
01:18:57can you tell the court what is the irrelevance of that?
01:19:00Well, everybody knows that storybook cereal has a 92% sugar content.
01:19:07But the Lassodophilus factor of 3.75
01:19:11when multiplied by the exponential root of the Pythagorean theory of relativity
01:19:16can only mean one thing.
01:19:19What?
01:19:20That the FNA sample in question
01:19:23could not possibly have come from storybook cereal.
01:19:27No.
01:19:28You see, an odor of this magnitude
01:19:31can come from one fiber sauce and one fiber sauce only.
01:19:36Burritos Mexicanos.
01:19:38That, of course, is a burrito.
01:19:42Ha!
01:19:44And in taking notes during the deposition
01:19:48of Michael and Angelo Misery Leleoni,
01:19:52what did they state they had for breakfast?
01:19:56Could it have been the incriminating burrito?
01:20:04No, it was not.
01:20:07What was it then? What could it have been?
01:20:11Storybook cereal.
01:20:14Ah!
01:20:16No further questions. The defense rests.
01:20:37And now, ladies and gentlemen, here is your decision.
01:20:40All nine jurors score the bout exactly the same
01:20:44in favor of the winner by unanimous decision,
01:20:47the new litigating champion of the world,
01:20:50Ivor Barrister!
01:20:53Yeah!
01:21:07Justice is served!
01:21:09Yes!
01:21:12Whoo!
01:21:20That was some over there.
01:21:22But we heard the proclamation of our emancipation.
01:21:26That was something.
01:21:28And then when he said we were free to go,
01:21:31it touched me, you know?
01:21:33It moved me.
01:21:42Let me introduce myself.
01:21:44I'm Dr. Joyce Brothers.
01:21:46Hi.
01:21:47Too bad you didn't get here earlier, Doc.
01:21:49Yeah, the guy they just took away,
01:21:51he really could have used you.
01:21:53Oh, I'm not that kind of a doctor.
01:21:55I'm a psychologist. I listen to people tell their...
01:21:58Stories?
01:22:00I guess you could say that, yes.
01:22:02Doc, did you come to the right place?
01:22:05Sure did.
01:22:08Oh, no! Not again!
01:22:16Your computer has malfunctioned.
01:22:22Your computer has malfunctioned.
01:22:27Thank you.
01:22:29I'm sorry.
01:22:31I'm sorry.
01:22:33I'm sorry.
01:22:35Thank you.
01:22:39One moment, please.
01:22:41While I transfer your call
01:22:44to an automated assistant.
01:22:47Thank you.
01:22:50I'm sorry.
01:22:52I do not understand.
01:22:55These crashing cars are smashing.
01:22:57Could this be real?
01:22:59Think I'm broke.
01:23:00Is this a joke?
01:23:01End of society.
01:23:03What's going to happen when the clock strikes twelve?
01:23:05End of ninety-nine.
01:23:07Is apocalypse near?
01:23:08Should we live in fear?
01:23:09Wondering if we'll survive?
01:23:11One, two, three.
01:23:13One, four, three.
01:23:15Feel me shake.
01:23:17It's going to me.
01:23:19One, two, three.
01:23:21One, four, three.
01:23:23I'm living in this here.
01:23:25My whole century.
01:23:27The world is tripping.
01:23:29Everything's flipping.
01:23:30It's about here.
01:23:32Virus so bad.
01:23:33Makes me sad.
01:23:34The world's paralyzed.
01:23:36What's going to happen when the clock strikes twelve?
01:23:38End of ninety-nine.
01:23:40Is apocalypse near?
01:23:41Should we live in fear?
01:23:42Wondering if we'll survive?
01:23:44One, two, three.
01:23:46One, four, three.
01:23:48Feel me shake.
01:23:50It's going to me.
01:23:52One, two, three.
01:23:54One, four, three.
01:23:56I'm living in this here.
01:23:58My whole century.
01:24:00The computer has malfunctioned.
01:24:02Millennium.
01:24:04Millennium.
01:24:05The computer has malfunctioned.
01:24:07Millennium.
01:24:09One, two, three.
01:24:11One, four, three.
01:24:13Millennium.
01:24:14I'm living in this here.
01:24:15My whole century.
01:24:16The white cell is reloading and reloading.
01:24:20Millennium.
01:24:22Millennium.
01:24:24Millennium.
01:24:26One, two, three.
01:24:28One, four, three.
01:24:29Millennium is here.
01:24:31My whole century.
01:24:33One, two, three.
01:24:35One, four, three.
01:24:37Feel me shake.
01:24:39It's going to me.
01:24:41One, two, three.
01:24:43One, four, three.
01:24:45Millennium is here.
01:24:47My whole century.
01:24:49One, two, three.
01:24:51I'm dying.
01:24:52I'm dying.
01:24:53Feel me shake.
01:24:55I'm dying.
01:24:57One, two, three.
01:24:59One, two, three.
01:25:01One, four, three.
01:25:03Millennium is here.
01:25:05My whole century.
01:25:08Please deposit $1,000 for the first three minutes.
01:25:14Thank you.
01:25:23One, two, three.
01:25:25One, four, three.
01:25:27Millennium is here.
01:25:29My whole century.
01:25:31One, two, three.
01:25:33One, four, three.
01:25:35Feel me shake.
01:25:37It's going to me.
01:25:39One, two, three.
01:25:41One, four, three.
01:25:43Millennium is here.
01:25:45My whole century.