Dilbert Dilbert S01 E011 Charity
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04:31 "Congratulations, you will each be assigned an official Associated Way uniform and a donation container."
04:38 Cool, chicks dig a man in uniform.
04:41 "Everybody who donates will get one of these colorful, stylish 'I-get-to-keep-my-job' T-shirts."
04:48 "Of course, participation is completely 100% voluntary."
04:53 "Any questions?"
04:54 Yeah, what about the carnival?
04:59 "Alright, youngsters, settle down. We'll have the company charity carnival, okay?"
05:05 "Yay!"
05:07 "I hate that carnival. All the money raised at the carnival is spent paying for the carnival."
05:11 "And it's based on the premise of cheap thrills and cheating, hardly charitable concepts."
05:16 "How dare you! How dare you denigrate the carnival!"
05:20 "Shh! Dilbert, are you criticizing the carnival? I'm a gog, and I really admit that."
05:26 "No, it's just that, uh, well, okay, exactly where does the money go?"
05:32 "Well, there's the poor, who I keep going on about, and of course the plaques don't grow on trees."
05:38 "Isn't the plaque made of wood?"
05:40 "So?"
05:41 "Then it does grow on a tree."
05:42 "Why do you ask a question if you already know the answer?"
05:45 "He's an arrogant bastard."
05:46 "Now listen, punk, if you think you can reinvent the wheel, the Ferris wheel, that is, then go right ahead."
05:52 "Carnival chairman Dilbert, ha ha!"
05:56 "What just happened?"
05:58 "So, Dilbert, how much can I put you down for?"
06:07 "Here's 20 bucks. Now leave me alone until next year."
06:10 "Ooh, 20 dollars. I'll see if they'll name a hospital after you."
06:14 "You don't even know where the money goes."
06:15 "I don't know where pudding comes from, but I still eat it."
06:18 "That is such a bad analogy."
06:20 "Thank you, Wally. Now I can never eat pudding again."
06:23 "Well, it wouldn't hurt you to cut down on the calories. No matter what people say, Alice, looks are important."
06:28 "Alice, have you fulfilled your obligation to society?"
06:31 "Yes. I signed up for payroll deduction. I like to give. I'm morally superior to Dilbert."
06:37 "That is so illogical. As long as there are starving people in the world, you can't have money in the bank and still claim to be moral."
06:43 "There is ample precedent for my behavior. It is completely societally appropriate to give only as much as one can afford."
06:49 "You just bought six pairs of shoes that look exactly the same."
06:52 "That came out of my shoe budget."
06:55 "Don't rock the boat, Dilbert. It's a fragile system."
06:58 "That shoe money could have fed a poor family for a year. What's so moral about letting people starve to death so that you can have extra shoes?"
07:05 "Stop it. You're ruining everything."
07:07 "I mean, until you give it all away, you're not more moral. You just feel less guilty."
07:12 "I don't agree. The concept of morality is contingent upon the cultural context."
07:15 "I mean, the relative value of guilt in a so-called free society."
07:19 "I mean, altruistic inclinations are dependent upon... I mean... Damn! You're right. I hate that!"
07:25 "Hey, can you spare a few dollars for the disabled veterans of retail security?"
07:32 "You don't look disabled to me."
07:33 "I've got prickly heat. Ed's just kind of slow."
07:36 "Which one of us is Ed?"
07:38 "You're on my turf, fellas."
07:40 "Don't start with me! You wouldn't be the first guy in a monkey costume that I've had to kill!"
07:45 "Can you settle this outside?"
07:47 "I'm collecting for the Sisters of Perpetual Motion."
07:50 "There's no such thing as perpetual motion."
07:52 "Not now, but if we collect enough money, someday."
07:55 *arguing*
07:59 "Who should I make that out to?"
08:01 "To the Society of Guys with Large Bellies Who Don't Have Satellite Dishes Yet."
08:05 "This will nearly triple our odds of seeing naked people who can't see us."
08:09 *laughing*
08:11 "I don't know if I mentioned that the cable viewer's got. That's extra."
08:16 "Morning, Governor! Would you help out a good cause and buy a candy bar? Only five dollars!"
08:21 "How do I know my money won't be squandered in administrative expenses and never reach the... What was the cause again?"
08:28 "We're trying to find a cure for canine apathy."
08:31 "Canine apathy? By any chance, is your leader about two feet tall, round glasses and a tail?"
08:37 "Okay, urchins. Bring the money to the van."
08:40 "You seem a little short."
08:57 "No, sir. No. I would never."
08:59 "Do I have to run a full body cavity search on you?"
09:02 "Good. And put more dirt on your face."
09:07 *knock knock*
09:08 "Dog burnt."
09:11 "I don't believe we've gotten a donation from you yet!"
09:14 *laughing*
09:17 "Uh oh! Chain reaction!"
09:19 *laughing*
09:22 *laughing*
09:26 *laughing*
09:33 *ding ding ding*
09:36 *ding ding ding*
09:37 *ding ding ding*
09:39 "Howdy there!"
09:40 "My name is Foster from the Organization of Farmers Who Are Afraid of Cows."
09:44 "Why don't they just change jobs?"
09:46 "How's a cow gonna change jobs, city boy? Use your head!"
09:50 "Go away. Leave me alone."
09:52 "Would you donate money to the women who cut their hair too short and don't realize how bad it looks?"
09:56 "Money for mountain goats with three legs?"
09:58 "Hey! You're hiding your leg! I can see it!"
10:00 "Hey, mind your own business, buddy."
10:01 "I'm not a man!"
10:03 "I heard there was a charity frenzy in progress. Did I miss anything?"
10:06 "Okay, here, here, this is all I have. Everyone just leave me alone."
10:09 *laughing*
10:12 "Oh, Dilbert, I'd like you to pick up my plaque at the Associated Way Banquet tomorrow night."
10:18 "Tell them how grateful I am."
10:19 "Do you think this could have waited until later?"
10:21 "Don't mind me, I'll just wait."
10:23 *whistling*
10:26 "There I was, in the NBA, all-star forward, multimillionaire."
10:34 "Life was good, until I turned to drugs and alcohol."
10:37 "Actually, that part was pretty good too. I love drugs and alcohol."
10:41 "But I did get kicked off the team and lost my entire fortune."
10:45 "That's when the Associated Way helped me out."
10:47 "I got sober, I started my own business."
10:49 "Now I got a beautiful wife, great kids, a mistress, a whole fleet of cars, mansions on both coasts, and a Learjet."
10:56 "And best of all, I haven't paid any taxes in years!"
10:59 *cheering*
11:02 "Thank you. I think we've all learned a valuable lesson about life."
11:05 "And now, to accept the appreciation award on behalf of our county coordinator, is one of his flunkies, Dilbert."
11:12 "On behalf of my boss, who didn't care enough to be here, thank you for this lovely plaque."
11:27 "And, if you don't mind me saying so, what exactly was the lesson we're supposed to get from this drugged-out basketball player?"
11:34 *gasp*
11:35 "I mean, didn't he just teach us that if you become a drug addict, your life will turn out fine?"
11:40 "It seems to me that this whole charity concept is nothing but an exercise in redistribution of guilt."
11:49 "I'm all for helping the disadvantaged, but aren't most of your funds going towards administrative costs?"
11:55 "Wouldn't it be more effective, more cost-effective, more impactful, if each of us just helped one other person?"
12:02 "But I digress."
12:06 "Thank you all for this lovely plaque for my boss."
12:09 "I'm sure you could have fed a family of four for what it costs to make it."
12:13 "It was just an argument. I wasn't trying to change anyone's mind."
12:19 "Too late, Gandhi. You've killed charitable giving forever."
12:22 "Excuse me, sir, I--"
12:24 "I'm a woman, dammit!"
12:25 "Sorry."
12:27 "Heeelp!"
12:32 "Hey, what happened?"
12:42 "What happened? Forget this guy!"
12:44 "See, we're the cleaning crew. The crew that cleans up."
12:49 "I understand that."
12:51 "How do you, with your college degree? You know, we might not be engineers, but there's a certain science to what we do, too."
12:58 "Well, no there's not. But I'm not here to argue. You've just discarded all of Alice's possessions."
13:04 "What, this junk? Where she's going, she ain't gonna be needing it."
13:07 "Where's she going?"
13:08 "The street."
13:09 "The street? But how's she gonna live? What about food, clothing, shelter?"
13:14 "It's no problem."
13:16 "It's not?"
13:17 "Nope, not anymore. Tell 'em!"
13:20 "Homeless Depot is the place for all your homeless needs."
13:23 "And at prices that can't be beat."
13:25 "Homeless Depot, now in two convenient locations. Our original location at 11-233 Skid Row."
13:30 "And visit our newest Homeless Depot at 475 1/2, that dangerous part of that abandoned waterfront area down there."
13:37 "Okay, let's see. Sweater, a sock, old rags, carton of soggy cigarette butts."
13:44 "Those are on sale, right?"
13:45 "Do you have your Homeless Depot card?"
13:47 "Of course."
13:48 "That's another 20% off."
13:50 "Alice."
13:51 "What do you want, Dilbert?"
13:52 "You gave all your money away?"
13:54 "What choice did I have? You convinced me that it would be immoral to hold on to it."
13:58 "Hey, that is a spiffy shopping cart."
14:00 "You like it? I customized it."
14:01 "Is that a motor?"
14:02 "Yeah, nine horsepower."
14:04 "Wow!"
14:06 "Alice, I thought maybe I could get the carnival up and running again."
14:11 "A carnival? You mean like with rides?"
14:14 "Excuse me, do I know you?"
14:16 "I'm your neighbor, I'm your friend, I'm your relative."
14:20 "I'm the one you won't make eye contact with, the one you're afraid to say hello to."
14:25 "So, in other words, no."
14:27 "We're here at the charity carnival, the brainchild of this man, Dilbert."
14:33 "Who ironically is the same man whose popular outspoken cynicism about charity has meant a death sentence to thousands of needy people."
14:41 "Was that a question?"
14:42 "There you have it. In his own words, he just doesn't care."
14:46 "Wait, I know this one. It's Ted!"
14:55 "Darn, how does he do it?"
14:58 "Next!"
14:59 "This booth is doing well."
15:01 "Right this way, see the freaks, one dollar."
15:04 "Why not?"
15:06 "I can't get an outside line!"
15:08 "I can't even get an operator to give me an outside line!"
15:10 "What does this button mean?"
15:11 "I've never heard that sound before!"
15:13 "It's not a busy signal!"
15:14 "It's more like a beep beep, beep beep!"
15:16 "That's funny, I could have sworn I put my glasses down right here."
15:19 "I was reading the paper and then I got up."
15:23 "Step right up!"
15:24 "Step right up, knock a street urchin off a beam with a baseball and win a toy."
15:32 "Watch how easy it is to win."
15:35 "Step right up!"
15:36 "Step right up, knock a street urchin off a beam with a baseball and win a toy."
15:44 "Watch how easy it is to win."
15:46 "Come on folks, don't be shy, beam a street urchin with a baseball."
15:58 "You look innocent, but you know they've done something to deserve it."
16:01 "What about you, sir?"
16:03 "That is disgusting!"
16:04 "You mean to say if I hit one of those kids with a baseball I could win some of this stuff?"
16:09 "That's the premise."
16:10 "Isn't that my camera, and my binoculars, and my CD player?"
16:15 "Tell you what I'll do."
16:16 "You hit one kid in the noggin with one baseball and I'll give you all the prizes, close the booth and go home."
16:22 "All the prizes?"
16:23 "Is there an echo in here?"
16:25 "Alright, I'll take a shot."
16:27 "Step right up, everybody plays, only I win."
16:30 "Oh that looks good."
16:32 "Yeah, how do they do that?"
16:35 "Hi, hi!"
16:36 "Oh, something smells good."
16:39 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:41 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:42 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:44 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:45 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:46 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:47 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:48 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:49 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:50 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:51 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:52 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:53 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:54 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:55 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:56 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:57 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:58 "Oh, I smell a good one."
16:59 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:00 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:01 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:02 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:03 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:04 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:05 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:06 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:07 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:08 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:09 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:10 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:11 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:12 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:13 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:14 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:15 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:22 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:31 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:38 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:43 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:48 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:53 "Oh, I smell a good one."
17:58 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:03 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:08 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:13 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:18 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:23 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:28 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:33 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:38 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:43 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:48 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:53 "Oh, I smell a good one."
18:58 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:03 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:08 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:13 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:18 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:23 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:28 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:33 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:38 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:43 "Oh, I smell a good one."
19:48 "Oh, je sens un bonheur."
19:53 "Oh, je sens un bonheur."
19:58 "Oh, je sens un bonheur."
20:03 "Oh, je sens un bonheur."
20:08 "Oh, je sens un bonheur."
20:13 "Oh, je sens un bonheur."
20:18 "Oh, je sens un bonheur."
20:23 "Oh, je sens un bonheur."