Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 07- Parking
Clarksons Farm - Season 3 Episode 07- Parking
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TVTranscript
00:00 [MUSIC]
00:10 [MUSIC]
00:39 As the summer heat descended on Diddley Squat,
00:42 Charlie retired to his office to get quotes for building our new farm shop car park.
00:50 This was now extremely urgent as the summer visitors had arrived and were whiling away the hours up there,
01:01 tucking into burgers made with our beef,
01:06 and drinking not only my Hawkston lager,
01:09 but also Caleb's new Hawkston cider.
01:14 And me?
01:20 Well, I was now the Mushroom King of Chipping Norton,
01:29 delivering them every day to a range of farm shops and pubs in the area.
01:35 Busy, busy, busy.
01:39 Mushrooms are what I provided for the crew's lunch every day,
01:46 for a month.
01:49 And they're all I could ever talk about.
01:53 Because apparently you take the bags out from where they're going now,
01:56 when they've stopped flushing, I think they do three flushes.
02:00 Then you take them outside and they continue to just woo outside, but you put new bags in.
02:06 A pause in proceedings was coming though,
02:18 because as I've just explained so rivetingly to Annie,
02:21 the bags I'd originally bought were exhausted and needed to be cleared out.
02:28 So I could replace them with some new ones.
02:30 Let's put them down this end, while we still have strength.
02:36 Because by the end of it, we don't want to go walking all down there.
02:41 So let's put them over yonder.
02:43 Hi, Charlie.
02:45 How are you?
02:47 I'm very well.
02:49 Well, it's not great news, I'm afraid.
02:52 That's a surprise.
02:57 So, I had three quotes back for the car park.
03:01 Yeah?
03:03 The first one is sort of, you know, 67 plus...
03:08 What?
03:10 No, plus some provisional sums, you know, for this and for that,
03:14 because they're not quite sure.
03:16 The next one is 80 plus a bit.
03:19 80,000 pounds?
03:21 And then the one that actually I think is most sort of complete,
03:26 because it includes the new highway entrance, 94,127 pounds.
03:32 For a car park?
03:36 For a car park and the new entrance.
03:38 And we're providing all the stone from Macquarie?
03:40 We've got the stone.
03:42 But we're providing... There's no...
03:44 There's no cost of stone. And stone is the horrendous, you know...
03:48 But we have the stone.
03:50 We've got 50,000 pounds worth of stone.
03:52 That's what it roughly would be.
03:55 50,000 pounds?
03:56 94.
03:58 Even I was astounded.
04:00 90... Oh, come on.
04:02 I mean, I was... I thought worst case scenario, a car park,
04:06 when we provide the stone, 20,000?
04:09 Yeah.
04:11 Why don't we do it?
04:13 No, I mean, seriously, how hard can it be to build a...
04:16 I know I've said that before, but really, to build a car park?
04:19 Move soil.
04:21 Yeah, you scrape the soil off,
04:24 you put heating down to stop the weeds coming through and so on.
04:26 Yeah.
04:28 This is going to take long.
04:30 This is serious, honestly.
04:32 Our stone...
04:34 Yeah, move the stone.
04:36 And then we get a bit of gravel.
04:38 So we need to hire a bulldozer, a roller...
04:40 A caleb.
04:42 A caleb.
04:44 Do you want a cup of tea?
04:46 No, no, honestly, this is really serious.
04:48 Sorry, darling, we're with you a minute.
04:50 I mean...
04:53 I'm apprehensive about, you know, but...
04:54 You're always apprehensive, Charlie, it's just...
04:56 But this time, this time...
04:58 Actually, I think we can do it ourselves.
05:00 After Lisa had helped me load the bags...
05:05 For God's sake.
05:10 ...we took them to our new compost bed,
05:13 because if we put them on that,
05:16 there was a chance mushrooms would continue to grow out of them.
05:21 Shall I take them out, so you can carry them over?
05:23 Does that work?
05:25 No, we'll just do them individually.
05:27 Okey-dokey.
05:29 God.
05:31 I'm going to take a few hours' time.
05:34 Because otherwise they're going to do good all night.
05:37 Okay.
05:39 All day, all night.
05:43 Do we have to dig them in a bit, or just plonk them?
06:08 [PHONE RINGS]
06:10 An email.
06:15 It doesn't work with a glove on, hang on.
06:19 Let's take it off.
06:21 This is from the mushroom testing people.
06:24 Oh, yes.
06:26 Oh, God.
06:28 Before dehydrated mushrooms can be sold,
06:31 your lines, basically,
06:33 a bacterial and water activity test must be done
06:37 through the UKAS UK accredited science.
06:40 This is to determine the water and...
06:43 Knowing Lisa's attitude to paperwork,
06:48 I left her to carry on unloading the mushrooms
06:51 and set about filling in the necessary forms myself.
06:55 Proposed target shelf life, including date of production, one month.
07:01 What's the CCP of this product?
07:06 CCP.
07:07 What is the CCP?
07:09 It says it's the Chinese Communist Party.
07:12 What?
07:14 What is the controlling factor for Clostridium botulinum?
07:19 I don't fucking know.
07:21 Having filled out the forms to the best of my abilities
07:28 and bagged up a sample...
07:34 There we go.
07:35 I sent everything off to the mushroom police.
07:39 Brilliant.
07:41 Then, after Lisa and I had disinfected the mushroom bunker
07:47 and restocked it with new bags...
07:50 Are we going to keep going with this?
07:52 God bloody right we are.
07:54 We waited for a day when the shop was closed anyway,
07:59 assembled the diddly-squat Avengers
08:04 and set about building our cut-price car park.
08:08 Right, gather round, everyone.
08:12 We've mowed it already. Have you seen?
08:14 Yes, I've seen.
08:16 Is there a measurement for how much space a car...
08:18 Yeah, there is. We need about 2.4 by 4.8.
08:21 4.8 metres?
08:23 Long ways. So you've got 74 parks, haven't you?
08:25 The disabled ones are different size.
08:27 They're 6 metres by 3 metres.
08:29 And if any more disabled come, they can come out here
08:32 with the... This is tarmac.
08:33 OK, yeah.
08:35 So it's nice for the wheelchairs.
08:37 We've got another entrance.
08:39 You've got another entrance and you've got a push-bike rack.
08:41 Cycle parking?
08:43 Well, motorcycle, innit?
08:45 Why don't we just put it... Say no cyclists.
08:47 I'm with that.
08:49 I think that's a good idea.
08:51 Quick question, though. How long is this going to take?
08:53 Because, I mean, we're in July now.
08:55 I'm just in terms of my timescale. How long is it going to take?
08:57 A month, and that is...
08:59 It won't take a month.
09:01 It's five days, innit?
09:02 Five days a week. We're not coming Saturday because it's open.
09:04 I've got to go to church on a Sunday.
09:06 We're going to have this done in two days.
09:09 No, we're not.
09:11 We are.
09:13 No. Now stop it.
09:15 I can't see what's...
09:17 No, stop it.
09:19 Calm down.
09:21 What's up with him? Two days.
09:23 To meet my two-day deadline, we needed, first of all,
09:25 to remove all the topsoil.
09:27 So Caleb got to work with his digger.
09:30 Go back a bit. Go on.
09:31 I put myself in charge of soil removal with the dumper.
09:34 Right, now stop.
09:37 Let go of the right and use your left.
09:39 And Lisa got a crash course on how to operate the 14-tonner.
09:42 That's backwards to you. Now down.
09:45 Actually, that's spot on.
09:50 Yeah, thanks, Alan.
09:52 Certainly, she preferred Alan as an instructor to me.
09:59 You might want to move your digger.
10:00 Lisa?
10:02 Lisa?
10:04 Yeah?
10:06 If you move your whole digger three feet forwards, it'll help.
10:08 Lisa?
10:10 Yes?
10:12 No, you haven't really got a load there.
10:14 Are you just going to stand there and criticise the entire afternoon?
10:17 You and your high-vis, which you're a fuck-off.
10:19 Come the morning of the second and final day,
10:25 we were in the middle of a storm.
10:28 We had removed nearly most of the topsoil
10:30 and had begun to lay the plastic sheeting.
10:34 So I felt confident we'd get everything done
10:38 by the time the shop opened again the following morning.
10:41 I'm a digger driver.
10:46 Alan, when do you start needing the stone?
10:54 Now.
10:57 ASAP.
10:58 Because if it turns wet...
11:00 Putting Lisa on the dump truck,
11:03 Caleb and I hurried over to the Diddley Squat quarry.
11:07 Now, just a reminder, everybody,
11:11 the stone that Caleb's loading up now
11:14 is what we dug to build the farm track
11:17 that the council then said we couldn't have.
11:20 The upside of that is we've got a lot of stone left over
11:23 which we can use to make the car park,
11:26 which is what we couldn't have.
11:27 Sometime today would be good, Caleb.
11:31 Am I nearly full?
11:33 Yeah, you impatient fuck.
11:36 Hey, Caleb, I've had an idea.
11:40 What's that?
11:42 We need someone to drive your tractor.
11:44 Yeah, it would be easier, wouldn't it?
11:46 I'll stay on the digger then and just load.
11:48 Well, guess who's just pulled up.
11:50 OK, Lisa and Alan, incoming.
11:56 Keep coming, my mate.
11:57 Keep coming, keep coming.
11:59 OK, beautiful.
12:01 Garen, Top, go and get me another one, quickly.
12:04 You've got a nice surprise of loose time in the next tractor.
12:07 Hey, Garen!
12:18 This is the full Diddley Squat army out today.
12:24 I like it.
12:25 Gerald, that was the best bit of reverting I've ever seen on this farm, mate.
12:36 Yeah, who's Jake Molitor now? We're in a pass.
12:42 We're in a straight down. We're going past the spot and going up the main road.
12:46 I feel like we're in a section of fucking Tarzan, don't we?
12:51 [MUSIC PLAYING]
12:53 Hello, copy?
12:58 Yeah, I got you, Gerald. What's up?
13:00 No, they were just asking me how long this is going to take to move all this rubble in.
13:05 Yeah, the thing is, it's a stop and waiting track down to the road here.
13:10 All week, the way it's going, isn't it?
13:13 But it'll be all right, once we get rolling, you'll be surprised.
13:16 I know something's going.
13:19 It turns out that Alan speaks fluent Gerald.
13:22 The two of them can have proper conversations.
13:25 They are bloody good mates, and Alan, while Gerald was ill, was really, really a good mate.
13:33 They've known each other for donkeys, he has those two.
13:38 Up at the car park, Lisa was now using a machine which she liked very much.
13:47 Oh, yes. Yes, fabulous.
13:49 Slow down.
13:55 Slow down, sorry. I don't want to slow down.
13:59 However, as much as Lisa was enjoying life on her cab seat,
14:11 I must say I wasn't on mine.
14:15 I wasn't on mine.
14:16 And it wasn't just me either.
14:22 Bloody hell.
14:24 I'm not sure how much longer Gerald will be able to do this. It's quite bouncy and tiring.
14:29 Are you all right? Because you're bouncing.
14:32 No, I can't do no more today like that. It's that last bit, isn't it?
14:36 We will manage. I don't know how, but we will manage.
14:44 With Gerald gone, we gave it our best shot.
14:47 But we were now down to one trailer, which, if I'm honest, was a bit too small.
14:54 So soon I realised we were going to miss my deadline.
15:01 Caleb, realistically, we're not going to get this done today, are we?
15:07 No, you won't get all of it done, no.
15:11 Fuck.
15:12 Well, we can't transport this stone when the shop is open.
15:18 Because we'd run over, I don't know, six children a day?
15:22 And that would go on the news. I know it would.
15:26 As night began to fall, our drone revealed that we'd been valiant,
15:33 but that Alan may have had a point.
15:40 We're going to be here next week now, aren't we?
15:42 As the shop wouldn't be closed again for another five days,
15:58 I used the time to take care of some pressing matters.
16:02 Job one, the pigs.
16:06 The sows were due to give birth in a couple of weeks.
16:09 And worried that the previous piglet deaths had been caused by them being squashed...
16:16 Did you get a ladle?
16:18 Whoa, she's just sat on another one.
16:21 I called a meeting with the chaps who'd designed the pigloos.
16:27 So we lost 14 pigs out of 34.
16:34 OK, so high on the mortality.
16:36 And I had a thought, the piglets tend to lie like this along the side of it.
16:42 But when Unit, who is called Unit for a reason, lies down,
16:47 she's that shape, that's her back.
16:50 You see what I mean?
16:52 And they were being squished.
16:55 You need to move her away from the wall of the hut.
16:58 Move her away.
17:01 And I thought, what if there was a bit like that,
17:05 so that the piglets could lie in here and the mum could lie there.
17:09 If she squidges right up against the side, they won't be squidged.
17:15 Do you think that would be possible?
17:17 So what you'd have is, if this is a side profile of the hut,
17:21 you'd have a ring that sat like this,
17:24 and then your leg would come down like that.
17:27 Like a rail.
17:30 Effectively.
17:31 And it's retrofitable to what you've already got.
17:33 That would be fantastic.
17:35 With the pigmen dispatched,
17:38 I then turned my mind to the next Farming the Unfarmed scheme.
17:43 Bambi.
17:45 In recent years, Diddley's Squat had been overrun with deer.
17:50 And as they cause enormous damage to young trees,
17:54 we, along with other landowners and farmers,
17:58 have been asked by the government to reduce their numbers.
18:01 I therefore contacted Hugh, a local hunter,
18:06 who also happens to be chairman of the Deer Society.
18:11 It falls on us to manage the deer numbers in this country.
18:16 And part of our role is training people to manage deer properly
18:21 to the highest standards of welfare.
18:23 And the fact is, the deer population is now getting too big.
18:27 Yeah. Which it is.
18:28 Which it is. And people are planting trees like these.
18:31 And then the deer eat them.
18:33 Well, I think that the story that needs to be told
18:37 is that if you are going to shoot a deer,
18:41 it's for all the right reasons,
18:44 coupled with the fact that you're only going to do it
18:49 if you are completely confident
18:51 that you can do it in as humane a manner as possible.
18:56 Up at the farm, Hugh showed me how to assemble a hunting rifle.
19:01 This is going to be the most manly thing ever shown on television.
19:06 With the flat-pack gun assembled, we set off for some target practice.
19:20 So how far away is the target?
19:24 It's probably going to be about 100 yards.
19:27 90, 100 yards.
19:29 That's more than that. Say it's more than that for the cameras.
19:32 Sorry. 300 yards, I'd say, that target.
19:35 At least, and a very strong crosswind.
19:37 Yeah. 300 yards with a strong crosswind.
19:39 You're going to do well to hit that.
19:41 I can barely hold my finger up in this game.
19:43 As we prepared for my practice,
19:47 Hugh explained some more about the need for good deer management.
19:52 Where there are overpopulations of deer,
19:54 we have seen body weight of deer
19:57 way below the average of what they should be.
19:59 And when they then start to be managed properly,
20:02 you start to see the body weight.
20:04 You mean the actual weight of the deer?
20:06 Yeah, the weight of the carcass is just below what it should be.
20:08 So it does create a welfare issue
20:11 when you have a too dense a population.
20:13 And it's a weird world in which we now live
20:16 because there's an overpopulation of deer.
20:20 Yeah.
20:21 The only realistic way you can reduce deer numbers is with a rifle.
20:26 And if you're going to kill a deer, you may as well eat it.
20:29 I mean, it's daft not to eat it.
20:31 Definitely, yeah.
20:33 Or give it to schools and hospitals,
20:35 as you've been suggesting for a long time.
20:37 And yet, if I were to kill a deer on television,
20:41 they'd all go berserk,
20:43 even though it's good reason, good reason, good reason.
20:46 There's no reason to not do it.
20:49 Yeah.
20:50 The challenge is educating people as to why all this needs to happen.
20:55 It's good for the deer, it's good for the trees,
20:58 and it's free food.
21:00 Definitely, yeah.
21:02 I mean, I think if there was a more effective way
21:04 to manage our deer population, we'd be doing it.
21:09 We then got down to business.
21:12 Right, and in.
21:16 With me aiming for the red squares on the paper targets.
21:21 Right, good to go.
21:24 Have a look.
21:30 I'm assuming you were going for the one on the left,
21:32 and not in the middle.
21:34 That's a bullseye.
21:36 So,
21:38 to prove it wasn't a fluke,
21:42 you need to do it again.
21:45 And as it happened, I did.
21:47 An even better shot.
21:50 Where is it?
21:52 Well, you've got it even closer to the bullseye.
21:54 Yep.
21:56 What am I shooting now, the rose heart?
21:59 Yeah, the orange disc.
22:01 That is where you would be aiming
22:04 when we go out tomorrow.
22:06 Jesus!
22:09 Do you want to shoot a muntjac now?
22:11 A muntjac now.
22:12 It pains me to say it, but that's five out of five.
22:20 I found something I'm good at.
22:26 That was very good.
22:28 The next morning, at dawn,
22:32 Robert De Niro and I set off in search of deer.
22:40 I bought this wind.
22:41 What is that?
22:43 A big one.
22:46 You bought that from a shop, didn't you?
22:49 A man said it tells you where the wind's coming from.
22:52 So, what we'll do,
22:54 just quietly look around this corner,
22:56 come out onto the edge again,
22:58 just creep down the edge to go up the high seat.
23:00 Because it would be quieter than going through the wood.
23:03 While we were scanning the perimeter,
23:07 an opportunity suddenly presented itself.
23:10 There is a buck.
23:13 Now.
23:16 Hang on.
23:21 If you're going to shoot...
23:27 No, he's looking straight at me.
23:29 There, you can shoot him there.
23:36 Okay, that's a really easy shot.
23:38 Shoot.
23:40 Okay, here we go.
23:45 Okay, it's good now.
23:48 Whenever you're ready.
23:50 I've got him.
23:52 Shoot.
23:55 Oh, he's got it in the long grass.
23:58 That's him catching us.
24:01 He's busted us.
24:04 Mr. De Niro and the world's most hesitant shooter
24:08 continued onwards
24:10 until we reached a suitable vantage point.
24:14 If we're up there,
24:18 out of sight, out of there sends a smell.
24:21 Oh, really?
24:23 Yes.
24:24 Then, after a surprisingly short wait...
24:42 I've got him.
24:50 Shoot.
24:51 Shoot.
24:57 This is the perfect one to take.
25:00 Okay.
25:01 Anyone for hot dog?
25:16 Sure.
25:17 I want you to try them
25:19 and I want you to tell me what you think.
25:21 Is this not a vegan sausage then?
25:23 No, it's not vegan.
25:25 You like that?
25:27 The meat's good?
25:29 What you're eating is Bambi.
25:32 Venison.
25:36 Venison.
25:38 Unbelievably good meat.
25:40 It's very good.
25:41 Would you like... Yeah.
25:42 You're American, are you?
25:43 I am.
25:44 You're going to have another?
25:45 Number two.
25:48 So, we'd saved some trees and, as a result,
25:51 provided a healthy and inexpensive lunch for the crowds,
25:55 which made me happy.
25:57 But not as happy as I was the next day,
26:02 when the shop closed again
26:04 and we could resume work on the car park.
26:07 You've got to put the small bucket on there for the trenching, all right?
26:11 Lisa made a beeline for the roller.
26:14 What have we had good?
26:17 I'm excellent.
26:18 And Alan gave me the job of digging a drainage ditch.
26:23 Right, I've got to get my tracks to straddle this little ditch here
26:30 so that I can dig a trench down it.
26:33 Now I've got to turn sideways. How do...
26:35 That one's jammed. Why is that one... Oh, no, that's...
26:46 After a lot of faff...
26:47 Oh, mate, I'm going to need more revs.
26:50 ..I finally got myself into a ditch-digging position.
26:55 Yes.
26:59 Oh, leave me alone. Leave me alone.
27:04 Hello?
27:08 Yeah.
27:12 It's what?
27:14 It's what?
27:15 Why?
27:21 Oh, shit.
27:26 Yo, dude.
27:32 Yo. Right. Do you want the bad news or the bad news?
27:36 Er... The bad news.
27:39 The side is exploding.
27:41 What?
27:44 Immediately, Caleb and I headed off to see if Rick, our lager brewer,
27:49 knew what had gone wrong.
27:51 So...
27:54 ..do you have any idea...
27:57 Well, first of all, how many cases are affected?
28:00 How many bottles are we talking about?
28:02 Thousands.
28:04 Thousands of bottles.
28:06 Shh!
28:09 Yeah, it's serious. It's properly serious.
28:11 Cos someone's been injured, I gather.
28:13 Yeah, Darbyshire, isn't it?
28:14 Someone in Darbyshire's always got a cut finger.
28:16 It could be that the caps aren't on sufficiently well.
28:19 It could be that there's some microorganism in there
28:23 that's eating the sugar.
28:24 So there might be fermentation still happening in the bottles,
28:29 even though they've gone on sale.
28:31 Yeah, that's highly likely.
28:33 That's probably the most likely cause of this.
28:36 Have you got one here?
28:37 Er, I can find one in a moment.
28:40 Turn it on.
28:41 We then experimented by opening a bottle
28:44 so we could work out what warning to give to our customers.
28:48 Pop it in the bucket, Caleb. Get it in the bucket.
28:51 You really do have to be this careful.
28:53 I would, yeah.
28:55 That's fuck all.
29:00 So that's now safe on the top? That's safe, yeah.
29:07 At the bottom of the bottle, there's a white sediment.
29:10 You can see this on camera, I think.
29:13 So that sediment, Rick,
29:15 is that an indication that this bottle was affected?
29:20 Yes. Yes? Yes.
29:22 And the degree to which it has become explosive
29:26 depends upon how much sugar has been eaten
29:29 by whatever microorganisms are sitting there at the bottom.
29:32 That sediment at the bottom is eating the sugar?
29:34 Yes, so that's devouring the sweetness,
29:36 so it's turning it into a dry cider, a drier cider than it should be.
29:40 And also turning it into, as you say, a Mills hand grenade. Yeah.
29:44 The next job was to get a warning message out to the public
29:50 as quickly as possible.
29:52 And since there was no time to call in a professional PR firm,
29:56 I did the wording myself.
30:02 Well, what I've written is, "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
30:07 "There's been a massive cock-up and as a result,
30:10 "there's a very slim chance some of our Hawkston CIDR bottles,"
30:14 and I've put CIDR in capital letters,
30:16 "might - there's no easy way of saying this - explode.
30:19 "If the cap has the code L3160 only underwater,
30:23 "pour it away and get in touch."
30:26 Erm...
30:30 Really sorry about this. That's going to get the attention.
30:33 Well, I've tweeted that.
30:35 And that is putting your hands up in the headmaster's office.
30:38 "Sir, I've been smoking." Before you've been caught.
30:41 CIDRgate had taken up valuable time,
30:47 so I rushed back to resume my ditch-digging duties.
30:51 Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.
30:56 Oh, for heaven's sake.
30:59 OK.
31:01 Yeah, couldn't have happened on a worse day, if I'm honest.
31:04 But, all right, I'll see you in half an hour. Bye.
31:07 Where are we going now? Pigs.
31:10 My pig rings have arrived.
31:12 But we've got the farm shop. I know, I know.
31:15 It's just going to be... I know, Caleb,
31:17 but the pig rings have just turned up, so they've got to be fitted
31:20 cos the pigs are giving birth in about 20 minutes.
31:27 You know who's patented my idea? Pardon?
31:30 Who's patented this idea, and he's called it the Clarkson ring.
31:34 The rings. The rings have arrived. They've arrived.
31:41 Whoa, they're more sturdy than I thought.
31:44 Hello, pig. It's Eunette. Hello, Eunette.
31:49 How are you, my darling?
31:51 So, mother pig is within the... She's in there.
31:54 And then baby pig...
31:56 We've got a generous piglet-sized safety zone behind.
32:00 Oh, you're impressed with this. They look good, actually, yeah.
32:03 We need to get these in. Yeah, do you want to hand them in?
32:05 Cos we've still got a car park to build. OK.
32:07 We're in. We're in.
32:09 Hang on. Yeah, I'm going to do a little lift now.
32:12 OK.
32:14 Lovely. Job done.
32:20 Really hope these work.
32:24 Good. Thank you. Thank you very, very much.
32:26 Lovely round two. You're welcome. Yeah, no, I'm looking forward to it.
32:29 Cheers, Sam. Thank you. It was heartbreaking last time.
32:32 Once we'd installed the pig rings, I checked social media,
32:36 and sure enough, some of our cider customers were sharing their thoughts.
32:51 F***ing Caleb. Thanks a f***ing lot. Jesus.
32:55 My PR message had even made it onto the evening news.
33:01 Now, Jeremy Clarkson's Oxfordshire farm has recalled
33:06 some of its bottles of cider, warning they could explode.
33:09 Well, he advises anyone who has bought some to open them underwater...
33:13 Running alongside the other important stories of the day.
33:17 Giant puppets have been parading through Gosport High Street
33:20 this afternoon. Farrah, the five-metre-high mechanical fox
33:23 travelled through the town...
33:25 After all these distractions, it was inevitable that at the end of play,
33:34 the car park still wasn't finished.
33:37 Keep going. Still thick. It only needs to be very, very thin.
33:42 So I decided that we'd carry on the next day,
33:46 even though the shop would be open for business.
33:49 There you go.
33:50 The following morning, Lisa and I headed over there,
33:57 discussing on the way how much she was enjoying building the car park.
34:02 Well, you are Irish, and I'm not being... I'm not typecasting,
34:07 but it's a being of blood to...
34:08 If you call me Liam, I will be on machinery. OK.
34:11 I want to identify as an Irish builder called Liam.
34:13 That would make me happy.
34:15 So this... Oh, s***. What?
34:18 Well, everyone's parked in it. Oh, f***.
34:21 Did you not tell the kids not to let people park in it?
34:31 No, it doesn't occur to me.
34:33 S***.
34:39 Very difficult to make a car park when it's being used as a car park.
34:48 Morning.
34:49 I know... I know... Yeah, look, how are we going to do this?
34:54 I don't... Well, good question. All I can say...
34:56 I mean, he's just driven in now. Unbelievable. Look.
34:59 What were you thinking of in the shop?
35:01 So if anyone's parked in this car park, I need to start spreading gravel,
35:05 so if you wouldn't mind moving it to the overflow car park.
35:08 You've got five minutes, otherwise I'm going to start
35:11 and your car will be collateral damage.
35:13 Anyone?
35:16 Anyone?
35:17 Anyone else parked over here?
35:20 Seriously?
35:22 Where are all those f***ing cars coming from, then?
35:25 What's this?
35:27 I don't know. Somebody's pulled in on that.
35:29 Is that nothing to do with us? No, it had nothing to do with us.
35:32 Naturally, Ollie wanted them to move on,
35:36 but Alan quickly became intrigued.
35:39 What did you do? Air-rating.
35:41 So we go down a metre, we blast it with 300psi of air,
35:44 we then inject seaweed, which keeps the fishes open under the ground.
35:47 We do Buckingham Palace, we've got the Royal Garden contracts...
35:50 I'd understood the words Buckingham and Palace,
35:53 but as for the rest, I was completely lost.
35:56 We have got a six-foot clay bed, so what do you do then?
35:59 Clay is not a problem. We work everywhere in the country.
36:02 How do you do that, then?
36:03 So we've got the... If we work, you will see it fishes.
36:06 Alan said, though, I should ask the man to come back later in the day.
36:10 Could I leave you just a card? Would that be OK?
36:12 Yeah. So, without knowing why, I did.
36:16 Brilliant. No, well, that's good. I've got your card. Thanks for that.
36:19 If you wouldn't mind moving, because we have to work on the car park.
36:22 Hi. Morning. Sorry, we've got to do some work in the car park.
36:25 Anyone else part here? No, you're down there.
36:28 As we couldn't start work until Lisa had cleared out the car park,
36:32 I went off to see how the new mushroom bags were doing.
36:37 Oh!
36:39 Why are you doing this to me?
36:42 Once again, I shall enter my little fungal money pit.
36:47 Oh!
36:50 Ooh.
36:53 That's a worry.
36:56 That looks like mould.
36:58 That is mould.
37:00 I'm not sure what that is.
37:02 That's a worry.
37:04 That looks like mould.
37:06 And that is mould, look.
37:08 And there's mould.
37:10 Mould. Mould.
37:13 That's got mould, look.
37:15 That's mouldy.
37:17 Oh, no.
37:19 So, even though we disinfected this whole area
37:24 before bringing the new bags in,
37:26 it was obviously left over somehow from the previous crop.
37:30 Shit.
37:32 And this is the fan that's keeping the air moving
37:36 to try and stop the mould.
37:38 Oh!
37:42 Oh, my giddy aunt.
37:45 Look in there.
37:47 Oh!
37:49 Oh!
37:51 Oh, sick.
37:54 Oh, that smell.
37:56 Oh!
37:59 Once I'd removed the contaminated produce,
38:03 I totted up the damage.
38:06 I got 68 bags here,
38:11 which are very obviously ruined, full of mould,
38:15 and 68 bags times 17 is a loss of £1,156.
38:22 Plus, each bag would have produced, on average,
38:28 let's say, 2kg of mushrooms,
38:31 which I would sell for £16, £32.
38:36 So, this is a financial disaster.
38:39 Oh.
38:44 Oh! Oh!
38:48 I'm having a horrible day!
38:51 I can't let this go near nature.
38:58 Oh.
39:00 What a bloody oldie.
39:02 I decided the only solution for the diseased pipe
39:08 was to take inspiration from the movie Goodfellas.
39:12 Right, we've gone through the topsoil, we're into the clay.
39:18 I'm not going to bury it until I can see the tips
39:22 of the Sydney Opera House down there.
39:26 Quick line.
39:28 I've no idea what this does, but I've seen Joe Pesky use it.
39:32 For belt and braces, I then buried the equally mouldy filter
39:40 more than a mile away.
39:42 Oh!
39:53 Oh!
39:55 Fucking thing.
39:57 Oh!
40:01 The world is safe thanks to me.
40:08 By the time I'd buried the equipment, showered,
40:12 disinfected my hair and put on new clothes,
40:15 the man with the incomprehensible machine had returned...
40:21 ..and started work.
40:23 At first, I thought they were fracking,
40:40 but eventually the pennies started to drop.
40:46 They've drilled a hole down there, blasted air into it,
40:51 which has caused fractures to go out six metres in the rock.
40:56 Then they fill that with seaweed to keep it open.
41:00 And then the water, not just today but forever,
41:05 will drain through the clay.
41:07 Cos this has been the bane of our lives, this flooding up here.
41:14 Oh! What a shot! What a shot!
41:17 - That's insane! - Brilliant. You watch again.
41:20 Can I blast it?
41:22 Watch this.
41:26 After the seaweed frackers had finished,
41:35 Caleb went off to have an accident.
41:43 He's broke the glass now!
41:45 You dingleberry!
41:47 What the fuck?!
41:49 Did anyone else just see that?
41:54 - No, we heard it. - We heard it. Unbelievable.
41:58 We then gently mot one another for a little while.
42:03 Why don't you just throw it like that?
42:05 Look, see, watch Alan. Yeah, watch.
42:08 - Ready? - Watch. Like that.
42:10 OK, right. Let me show you something. Ready? Ready? Ready?
42:14 Such a muck fit. Such a muck fit.
42:17 Until eventually, the cut-price diddly-squat car park was finished.
42:25 I thought we did pretty good teamwork there.
42:29 Yeah. That ain't bad.
42:38 The next day, I gave Gerald a lift home after he'd finished work,
42:42 and on the way...
42:44 ..I caught up with all the local gossip.
42:47 Seeing they get kicked into church.
42:51 He keeps having them Botox bloody things done on his eyes and his cheeks,
42:55 and this bloody piece of piss that's cut that off.
42:58 - I know. Yeah. - He lives around here, though.
43:01 - Yeah, I know. - Anybody with a chainsaw,
43:03 just go down there, cut the bloody saw off, they'd still be in pocket.
43:08 - Yeah. - That's the only difference with sawing,
43:11 so he can get that feel for his get on the old way.
43:15 - Yeah. - No, no, not me.
43:17 Having dropped him off, I went to pick up the goats...
43:22 ..because I'd come up with a new business plan.
43:28 So, I bought the goats to clear a bank of brambles
43:33 that the machine wasn't able to do cos the bank was too steep,
43:37 which is just at the bottom of this hill here.
43:39 But they still aren't big enough to do that,
43:42 so how's this for a plan?
43:45 I'm renting them out.
43:47 They have become Avis goats.
43:49 They will go to neighbouring farms and clear things up,
43:52 brambles and so on, and earn me money.
43:55 And they shall become bigger, and then next year,
43:59 I'll put them down there and they'll get on with it.
44:02 My first customer was a friend who owned a bit of land next to mine.
44:08 It's been slightly embarrassing,
44:11 cos I used to think this bit of ground through here was mine,
44:14 and it isn't.
44:16 I had to come through here, though, to meet my friend's land agent.
44:20 (HORN HONKS)
44:22 (SIGHS)
44:28 I'm a bit late. Hello?
44:33 Hello?
44:36 Hello.
44:39 What are you doing here?
44:41 It's, er... I look after the client here as well.
44:45 What? It was you?
44:49 So, I... How are we going to negotiate a price, then?
44:52 I do realise there's a slight conflict.
44:54 Slight?
44:56 So, how much... OK, then, Charlie.
44:59 How much is the nameless owner of this field
45:03 going to pay me for the goats?
45:05 Pay you?
45:07 I mean, look at all the wonderful forage, the browse.
45:10 All that value sitting before you, before your eyes.
45:14 How about we call it zero?
45:16 Zero.
45:18 No, not zero! Climb over this fence.
45:21 Climb over this fence.
45:23 How much? Well, there's not much value out there, is there?
45:27 (LAUGHS)
45:29 I mean, it's just a load of... There's no value there at all.
45:32 No, none at all. So, how much should he be paying me?
45:35 He should be paying, you know, five or six pence a day per goat.
45:39 Pence? Yeah, per day per goat.
45:41 As soon as that adds up...
45:43 20... Oh, no.
45:45 I don't think we can accept that.
45:47 (LAUGHS)
45:49 This is a ridiculous situation.
45:51 What is the deal? Luckily, luckily, luckily...
45:54 ..it's sort of... The value is being provided by that lot
46:00 eating the invading hawthorn, a blackthorn.
46:05 Yeah. Because it then... Get on with it.
46:07 It then creates a better wildflower memory.
46:09 Whose side are you on now? Yours. Right.
46:12 (LAUGHS)
46:14 So, actually... So, I'm giving him a better meadow.
46:17 Yes, which means he gets paid more by...
46:19 And he's paying five pence a goat, which is 29 goats.
46:23 12 weeks?
46:25 £121. Done.
46:27 (LAUGHS)
46:30 Bye, goats.
46:35 Right now, that £121 was very welcome,
46:39 because back in Mushroom World,
46:42 my income stream had been hit hard by the mould,
46:46 which meant, annoyingly,
46:48 that Lisa's Powdered Lion's main enterprise
46:51 had suddenly become important.
46:54 So, it's 200... Was it 20 grams? 20 grams.
46:59 We're doing 20 grams a bag.
47:01 Today was the day we'd get the results
47:04 from the test sample I'd sent off.
47:06 And, assuming all would be well,
47:08 Lisa had several kilograms of powder ready to go.
47:12 There it is.
47:16 Jeremy's special mushroom powder.
47:19 Why are you selling it if you don't believe in it?
47:21 I don't believe in it.
47:22 Well, you know how much we're going to make, though.
47:24 So, well, how much are you selling that for?
47:26 Er... £9,
47:29 which gives you ten cups of coffee.
47:32 So, hang on, let me get my...
47:35 Oh, I've got it through.
47:38 Can I have your glasses?
47:40 But if we just grew normal mushrooms...
47:44 God, you're blind.
47:46 They have...
47:48 Lisa, I have the shelf life samples back.
47:50 They have failed.
47:52 Hold on.
47:54 I have the shelf life samples back.
47:57 It generally indicates that either the mushroom quality
48:01 was not the best
48:03 or that it was not adequately cleaned prior to the drying process.
48:07 You need to look at the standards of cleaning hygiene
48:09 during preparation of the finished product,
48:11 i.e. hand washing, cleanliness and toners.
48:14 If this product is to be put on the shelves,
48:16 you will need to review the preparation process...
48:18 I think that's... You know, you were asking about the different colours.
48:21 I think that's it. I think some of the rinds I just cut up
48:25 when I dried them. I'm so sorry.
48:27 Oh, for...
48:29 I can't bear to look at it.
48:32 This is just a bit of what we've made.
48:35 We've gone to all this trouble and it's failed.
48:38 So all this has failed.
48:40 The mushroom issues were a bitter blow,
48:48 especially now in August,
48:50 because we were approaching the end of the farming year.
48:54 And therefore the conclusion of the contest between Caleb and me.
49:01 And then you had...
49:02 Oh, stop saying things.
49:04 I had tried everything I could think of
49:07 to make money by farming the unfarmed.
49:10 Yes!
49:12 Some of my ideas had worked.
49:14 No way. Yes way.
49:16 Holy moly!
49:18 This is incredible.
49:20 Yeah!
49:22 Aren't they just the best?
49:24 Lots of sausages.
49:26 Jesus!
49:27 Oh, this is so good for my side of the chart.
49:30 And some hadn't.
49:32 Hello!
49:34 Shit.
49:36 But soon we would find out what the big numbers looked like,
49:44 because at harvest time...
49:46 ..the spotlight would shift from me...
49:49 ..to Caleb and the crops.
49:54 This year's an absolute pig. It just won't dry at all.
49:57 Here we go.
49:59 Quarter full.
50:03 Is that it?
50:05 Oh, my God!
50:07 Look at the size of that one.
50:09 Oh!
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