Holidate (2020)
Holidate is a 2020 American romantic comedy film directed by John Whitesell, from a screenplay by Tiffany Paulsen. It stars Emma Roberts, Luke Bracey, Jake Manley, Jessica Capshaw, Andrew Bachelor, Frances Fisher, Manish Dayal and Kristin Chenoweth. The film was released on Netflix on October 28, 2020.
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00:00 [music]
00:00:22 Fucking holidays.
00:00:24 [music]
00:00:39 Merry Christmas.
00:00:41 This is what you wear to Christmas dinner?
00:00:44 Don't you even own a dress?
00:00:46 I'm great, Mom. Thanks.
00:00:48 House looks beautiful.
00:00:50 Your Aunt Susan brought it. The mall Santa home.
00:00:53 And your nephew just pooped in the manger.
00:00:56 It was a tiny poop. And he moved the baby Jesus first.
00:00:59 Hi. Merry Christmas.
00:01:02 Gingerbread elf.
00:01:04 Oh. Wow.
00:01:05 Hey. Rodney said you didn't call him.
00:01:08 I'm sorry, but I cannot date a professional clown. I never sleep.
00:01:12 Jesus, Sloane. It's been six months. You gotta get back out there.
00:01:15 How does she expect to meet anybody when she sits around the house all day wearing pajamas?
00:01:19 It's called working remote, Mother.
00:01:21 My boss doesn't care what I wear as long as I meet my quota.
00:01:25 He does, however, request that my mother stop FaceTiming me during business hours.
00:01:28 You're not still smoking, are you?
00:01:30 Uh, no, Mom. I'm not still smoking.
00:01:33 I had a smoky Uber.
00:01:35 Well, I know the holidays can be stressful, but no man wants to marry a smoker.
00:01:42 Who lies?
00:01:45 Well, no man wants a bitchy mother-in-law, so I guess that's three strikes.
00:01:49 [♪♪♪]
00:01:51 [GIGGLING]
00:01:53 You know it's a holiday when my sister shows up alone.
00:01:55 Don't rip it in. She's obviously sad.
00:01:57 I'm not sad.
00:01:59 Are you sure? You look really sad.
00:02:01 I'm not sad.
00:02:03 Boom! One sanitized manger.
00:02:07 Sloane, you didn't call Rodney?
00:02:11 [♪♪♪]
00:02:13 Isn't he great?
00:02:15 I met him at the mall.
00:02:17 You'd be surprised at the quality of men you can meet at the mall.
00:02:20 I don't think I would, actually.
00:02:23 Relax. It's not like I'm going to marry him.
00:02:27 He's just my holiday-te.
00:02:29 A holiday-te?
00:02:31 You know, a date solely for the holiday.
00:02:33 No commitment.
00:02:35 Let me see if he has a friend.
00:02:37 [♪♪♪]
00:02:39 [♪♪♪]
00:02:41 Don't be nervous. They'll love you.
00:02:49 Your parents know this is only like our third date, right?
00:02:52 I told you, it's not a big deal.
00:02:54 I don't even think they know you're coming.
00:02:56 Hi!
00:02:57 Merry Christmas!
00:02:59 [ALL CHEERING]
00:03:01 Oh, and you must be Jackson.
00:03:03 You're even more handsome than in the pictures.
00:03:06 [GIGGLING]
00:03:07 Pictures?
00:03:08 [♪♪♪]
00:03:10 Oh, and her first time on Santa's lap.
00:03:14 She peed right through to Santa's leg.
00:03:17 [GIGGLING]
00:03:18 Uh, first ballet recital, and, uh...
00:03:22 Ooh!
00:03:23 This is the day she got her first period.
00:03:26 Charming.
00:03:28 Oh, and this one was for little Miss Evanston.
00:03:33 [GIGGLING]
00:03:37 You should know...
00:03:40 Carly's father and I are perfectly comfortable
00:03:43 with you two sleeping together in here.
00:03:46 Oh, no, it's fine. I won't be staying in.
00:03:50 Oh, nonsense! You're practically family.
00:03:54 [♪♪♪]
00:03:56 Fuck, Emma.
00:04:03 [GIGGLING]
00:04:05 [♪♪♪]
00:04:07 Sloane, stop being a baby. We can put the leaf in.
00:04:14 No, thank you. I prefer the singles table.
00:04:17 All right, hey, kids, let's go check out presents.
00:04:20 Come on. Let's go.
00:04:22 So, Aunt Sloane, why didn't you call Rodney?
00:04:27 Why didn't you call Rodney?
00:04:29 Because I already have a boyfriend.
00:04:31 His name is Levi, and he shares his juice boxes
00:04:34 with me every day at recess.
00:04:37 Oh, good for you, Daisy. You enjoy it while you can.
00:04:41 Because one day you are going to walk outside,
00:04:43 and you're going to catch Levi sharing his juice box
00:04:46 with a Starbucks barista named Rainbow.
00:04:49 Yeah, it's not a good day, Daisy.
00:04:51 It hurts. It hardens you.
00:04:54 And the next thing you know, you're just south of 30,
00:04:57 sitting at the kids' table, numbing the pain with a vodka.
00:05:01 Oh, my parents love you.
00:05:03 What the hell is wrong with you?
00:05:05 You told your parents we're a couple.
00:05:07 Oh, come on. You know you like me.
00:05:10 You wouldn't be here on a major holiday
00:05:12 if you didn't like me.
00:05:14 I...
00:05:16 I... Clapper?
00:05:18 Look, I told you my parents are in Australia.
00:05:20 I didn't have any other... plans.
00:05:28 Hey!
00:05:31 Ah! Pajamas!
00:05:33 Yes! I thought they were so cute and cozy
00:05:35 for, like, a girls' night in.
00:05:37 Uh-huh.
00:05:39 Hey.
00:05:44 Pants.
00:05:45 They're khakis!
00:05:47 Because golfers love khakis, right?
00:05:49 I didn't know the size, so I just got three,
00:05:51 but you can exchange them.
00:05:53 Pants. End of project.
00:05:56 Thanks.
00:05:58 I'm... I'm sorry.
00:06:06 I... I really didn't think we were doing the whole present thing.
00:06:10 Why would you think that?
00:06:13 Because you said we're not doing the whole present thing.
00:06:17 Oh.
00:06:19 I see. So you know me well enough to come in my mouth,
00:06:23 but you don't know me well enough to get me a Christmas present?
00:06:26 I...
00:06:28 I could give you some cash.
00:06:30 I mean, I got...
00:06:32 I got, like, 40 bucks?
00:06:34 40 bucks?
00:06:36 What, am I a prostitute?
00:06:38 No! God, no.
00:06:40 Absolutely not.
00:06:42 I'll take 80.
00:06:44 I'm not giving you $80.
00:06:48 But we had sex, Jackson, twice!
00:06:51 I cannot believe that you didn't get me a Christmas present!
00:06:54 I can't believe that you'd ambush me like this in front of your parents!
00:06:59 Actually, you know what? I can.
00:07:02 'Cause chicks go mental on the holidays.
00:07:04 Lovely evening, guys. Really beautiful dinner.
00:07:06 Have a merry Christmas.
00:07:08 Cheers.
00:07:21 (clears throat)
00:07:22 Could I have everyone's attention?
00:07:24 There's something that I need to say.
00:07:26 Who wants dessert?
00:07:28 Elizabeth Kimberly Chen.
00:07:35 Fuck, no.
00:07:37 I know it's only been three months and six heavenly days,
00:07:41 but I feel like I've known you my entire life.
00:07:44 Will you make me the happiest man in the world and marry me?
00:07:48 Oh, my gosh!
00:07:50 Yes! Yes, I'll marry you!
00:07:52 Two down, one to go!
00:07:54 Best Christmas ever!
00:07:56 Yes!
00:07:58 Whoo!
00:08:00 Wow, this is awesome.
00:08:02 My little brother getting married.
00:08:04 Wow, I just...
00:08:09 love these pajamas.
00:08:11 Oh, this is ridiculous.
00:08:17 I've been in line for over half an hour. Please.
00:08:20 I'm sorry. Without a gift receipt, I can only offer you a store credit.
00:08:23 I don't want a store credit.
00:08:26 I want to never have to return to this store.
00:08:28 We have some really cute stuff.
00:08:30 Have you tried our authentic skinny jeans?
00:08:32 Excuse me.
00:08:34 Crocodile Dundee.
00:08:36 Some of us have jobs.
00:08:38 Dundee. Original.
00:08:40 Honestly, what makes you think I don't have a job?
00:08:43 You're at the mall on a Wednesday,
00:08:45 returning slacker pants.
00:08:47 Uh, these happen to be khakis.
00:08:50 Lots of employed people wear khaki pants.
00:08:52 Hopefully you mean khakis and still don't care.
00:08:55 Hi, there. I just have a quick return.
00:08:58 Hey.
00:08:59 Receipt?
00:09:00 They didn't come with a receipt.
00:09:02 Just the assumption that I would be alone forever
00:09:04 and apparently gorge myself into the size of a lumberjack.
00:09:07 Nailed it.
00:09:09 You know what?
00:09:12 My Christmas already sucked, so you can go nail it somewhere else.
00:09:16 Uh, I need to go check on these.
00:09:19 I'll give you 40 bucks for those khakis
00:09:23 and a fresh pretzel, two for one.
00:09:25 Like 80 bucks worth of pants. No deal.
00:09:29 If it's any consolation,
00:09:35 I spent my holiday in an ugly Christmas sweater
00:09:39 sipping mocktails with a room full of people
00:09:41 who I think are in a cult.
00:09:43 I'll see your ugly Christmas sweater
00:09:46 and raise you a seat at the kids' table,
00:09:48 my little brother getting engaged,
00:09:50 and catching my aunt getting her cookie licked by a mall Santa.
00:09:53 That's a festive visual.
00:09:56 Seared into my brain like a bad tattoo.
00:09:58 I got a bad tattoo once.
00:10:00 Is that Matt Lauer?
00:10:07 I was a really big fan of the Today show.
00:10:10 Sorry, these are from two seasons ago.
00:10:13 I can offer you a store credit
00:10:16 at the current sales price of...
00:10:18 $4.99.
00:10:21 $4.99.
00:10:24 $4.99.
00:10:26 My sister has become so cheap since having kids.
00:10:29 It'd be really cute if you cut off the legs,
00:10:31 like capri pants.
00:10:33 50 bucks for everything.
00:10:36 Hey!
00:10:37 Like you're making capri pants.
00:10:38 I might.
00:10:39 I have a crafty side.
00:10:41 Okay.
00:10:42 40.
00:10:43 45.
00:10:44 And the pretzel's two for one.
00:10:47 Are you sure you don't want any?
00:10:48 Nah, I don't eat that crap.
00:10:49 Do you know what that does to your body?
00:10:51 Uh, yeah.
00:10:52 Fills me with warm, delicious happiness.
00:10:55 Like Christmas used to,
00:10:56 before I realized Santa was a big scam.
00:10:58 Yeah, Christmas paid for me about 10.
00:11:01 I got a surfboard and my first complete set of golf clubs.
00:11:05 It's good.
00:11:06 My best Christmas was a Barbie Dreamhouse pre-assembled
00:11:11 and a ventriloquist puppet named Lester.
00:11:15 He looks like Jaleel White.
00:11:17 Hmm?
00:11:18 I sort of had a thing for Urkel.
00:11:20 I spent months learning to throw my voice.
00:11:22 Well, come on, let's hear it.
00:11:24 No.
00:11:25 Excuse me, I bought you a free pretzel,
00:11:27 so you owe me an Urkel.
00:11:29 Come on.
00:11:31 Come on.
00:11:32 [clears throat]
00:11:34 [imitates trumpet]
00:11:39 Nice!
00:11:41 What happened to Lester?
00:11:42 Oh, he sleeps with me every night.
00:11:44 What?
00:11:45 Hey, Sloan!
00:11:48 Oh, God. Oh, God.
00:11:50 What, is that an ex-boyfriend of yours or something?
00:11:53 No, that is the guy my aunt brought home for Christmas.
00:11:57 That's the cookie licker?
00:11:58 Tell your Aunt Susan to call me.
00:12:00 He was her holidayt.
00:12:02 Wait, what's a holidayt?
00:12:04 Just some guy she picked up at the mall to spend Christmas with.
00:12:07 Wait, just Christmas or all holidays?
00:12:10 Easter, New Year's.
00:12:12 She's an equal-opportunity holidayter.
00:12:14 That's what I need for New Year's Eve.
00:12:16 I need a holidayt.
00:12:17 Well, you can try, but this late in the game, he's probably booked.
00:12:19 No, no, no, seriously.
00:12:20 I am done casually dating on the holidays.
00:12:23 There's way too much pressure. It's ridiculous.
00:12:25 I always end up being the arsehole the end of the day anyway.
00:12:28 Yeah?
00:12:29 Well, try being the only single person left in your family.
00:12:31 It's like every time I walk into a room, I'm showered in a sea of pity and sad glances.
00:12:36 I mean, why is everyone so suspicious of a happy single woman?
00:12:39 Because you're obviously not happy.
00:12:41 Yes, I am.
00:12:43 Happy.
00:12:45 No, you're not.
00:12:46 Human beings aren't meant to be alone on the holidays.
00:12:50 We actually need warmth, companionship,
00:12:55 and someone to drunk mock strangers with at parties.
00:12:59 I do enjoy drunk mocking strangers at parties.
00:13:02 Well, then this is perfect.
00:13:04 We can be each other's holiday for New Year's Eve.
00:13:06 I don't even know you, so.
00:13:08 Yeah, that's what makes it perfect.
00:13:10 There's no pressure. There's no expectations.
00:13:13 I mean, I don't even think I find you that attractive.
00:13:17 Wow, calm down with the flattery.
00:13:19 Not that you're not attractive.
00:13:20 It's just that maybe you're not that attractive to me.
00:13:24 Goodbye.
00:13:27 Okay, wait a second.
00:13:28 You just said that you're tired of all the sad glances and looking pathetic.
00:13:33 I said pity, not pathetic.
00:13:35 Tomato, tomato.
00:13:37 I've got tickets to the Skyfall party.
00:13:39 Wait, really?
00:13:40 Yeah.
00:13:41 That's such a fun party.
00:13:42 Come on, then say yes.
00:13:44 I just want to go, relax, have a few drinks,
00:13:48 not worry about my date going batshit if I don't drop a knee at midnight.
00:13:54 What makes you sure I'm not batshit?
00:13:57 You had me at Lester.
00:14:00 I'm Jackson, by the way.
00:14:02 Sloan.
00:14:03 Nice to meet you, Sloan.
00:14:05 Here are my details.
00:14:08 Golf pro.
00:14:10 What's your real job?
00:14:11 Just think about it and text me.
00:14:14 Not texting you, Tiger Woods.
00:14:16 Think about it.
00:14:17 Not texting you.
00:14:18 Just send me a text.
00:14:21 I'm almost finished.
00:14:23 The tickets are right on target for Q3 and--
00:14:29 And I'll have those numbers teed up for you first thing in the morning.
00:14:33 I'm sorry, can I call you back?
00:14:37 Yeah.
00:14:38 Mom, I'm working.
00:14:40 That's what you wear to work?
00:14:42 You could at least put on a nice top.
00:14:44 Honey, I want you to meet someone.
00:14:47 This is my new neighbor, Farouk.
00:14:50 Hello.
00:14:51 Farouk is a doctor, and he's single.
00:14:55 She's much prettier with makeup.
00:14:57 I'm wearing makeup.
00:14:59 Farouk is free on New Year's.
00:15:01 Goodbye, Mother.
00:15:02 And so I thought that--
00:15:04 [sighs]
00:15:06 [music playing]
00:15:09 [laughs]
00:15:18 You almost got me on that one.
00:15:19 Nope.
00:15:20 OK.
00:15:21 Nope.
00:15:23 Maybe.
00:15:24 No.
00:15:25 Uh-uh.
00:15:27 How do you say no in Italian?
00:15:29 No grazie.
00:15:30 [laughs]
00:15:32 No.
00:15:33 Oh, oh.
00:15:34 She is fine.
00:15:36 And she got a little baby goat.
00:15:37 Wait, didn't you hook up with her last month at the program?
00:15:41 Didn't you?
00:15:42 Oh, I did.
00:15:48 She must have left the goat at home.
00:15:50 I should give her a call.
00:15:51 Why are you using my account anyway?
00:15:53 Because I told you, I have some obsessive exes that just
00:15:56 can't get rid of this, OK?
00:15:58 Hey, you know what the problem is with these girls, mate?
00:16:00 They got, like, these crazy eyes, right?
00:16:02 They're real.
00:16:03 And I don't need a real girl.
00:16:06 I need a holiday.
00:16:07 You said a what-a-date?
00:16:08 [phone ringing]
00:16:11 Hello?
00:16:16 I thought I said text me, not call me.
00:16:19 What's holiday?
00:16:20 Is that a new app that I need to download?
00:16:23 I cannot keep up.
00:16:24 [music playing]
00:16:27 I think the leather vest mag's up there.
00:16:33 Oh, OK, OK.
00:16:34 He's an options trader, divorced, two kids at Northwestern.
00:16:37 She was his decorator on the new condo,
00:16:41 hoping to be wife number three.
00:16:43 Very good.
00:16:44 Very good.
00:16:45 Oh, oh, uh, white satin ruffles, rented tuxedo.
00:16:50 You're just drenched in swears.
00:16:52 They are definitely getting engaged at midnight.
00:16:56 Wow.
00:16:58 You're good.
00:16:59 It's a gift.
00:17:01 By the way, your tits look exceptional in that dress.
00:17:05 Thanks.
00:17:06 That's why I bought it.
00:17:07 Oh, I love the way it hugs your ass, too.
00:17:10 That's really sweet of you to notice.
00:17:12 This is great.
00:17:13 I love it.
00:17:14 I just can say whatever I want, because I don't care if you
00:17:16 think I'm a classy guy or not.
00:17:17 And I can wear a slutty dress and not
00:17:19 worry about being slutty.
00:17:20 What a holiday bonus.
00:17:22 [screaming]
00:17:24 Ooh.
00:17:25 OK, so he is a sexually confused art student with money issues.
00:17:30 And she's a wealthy widow with a taste for bondage.
00:17:34 Aunt Susan?
00:17:35 Sloane!
00:17:37 Hi.
00:17:38 Hi.
00:17:39 Oh, baby.
00:17:40 Wow.
00:17:41 Your tits look great in that dress.
00:17:43 That's what I said.
00:17:45 This is Ronnie.
00:17:48 Robert.
00:17:49 Hello.
00:17:50 Hi.
00:17:51 We met at the art institute.
00:17:52 I was a nude model for his figure sculpting class.
00:17:55 He made me the most perfect clay clitoris,
00:17:58 like a butterfly taking flight.
00:18:02 You have to see it.
00:18:03 Pass.
00:18:04 Thanks.
00:18:05 I'd love to see that.
00:18:06 That can be arranged.
00:18:08 Well, happy new year, you kids.
00:18:10 Have fun.
00:18:12 Come on, Francois.
00:18:13 Your aunt seems nice.
00:18:16 I need a drink.
00:18:17 [cheering]
00:18:20 I mean, there's just no way in hell
00:18:22 her character would ever do that.
00:18:23 Who cares?
00:18:24 It was funny.
00:18:25 Mm-mm.
00:18:26 It was cockamamie.
00:18:27 I'm sorry.
00:18:28 No one uses that word anymore.
00:18:29 Well, it's the only word I know that accurately describes
00:18:32 every romantic comedy in history.
00:18:34 There's always some fake reason the stars can't be together
00:18:37 when you know they're going to be together from the poster.
00:18:40 It's like, oh, boo-hoo, I'm so heartbroken.
00:18:43 Even though you're perfect for me,
00:18:45 I'm taking a break from dating.
00:18:47 I mean, no one is ever taking a break from dating.
00:18:51 And let me tell you, if Ryan Gosling waltzed in here,
00:18:54 picked me up, and floated me around the room
00:18:56 to the theme of dirty dancing, I'm not going to be like,
00:18:59 oh, hey, Ryan, buddy, bad timing.
00:19:01 I'm taking a break from dating.
00:19:03 I am jumping on that train, the Ryan Gosling train.
00:19:07 I'd jump on the Ryan Gosling train.
00:19:09 So who was this dickhead that ruined romantic comedies for you?
00:19:14 I'd rather not go there.
00:19:16 Ah, come on, we're already here.
00:19:18 What was his name?
00:19:19 Bill?
00:19:21 Fred?
00:19:22 Carlos?
00:19:24 Juan?
00:19:25 Bob?
00:19:26 Bob.
00:19:27 What?
00:19:28 Luke.
00:19:30 Luke?
00:19:32 Luke.
00:19:33 Oh, he sounds like a wanker.
00:19:35 No.
00:19:36 He was handsome, smart, French.
00:19:41 He wore these sexy little John Lennon glasses.
00:19:45 He did triathlons.
00:19:47 Man, he had stamina.
00:19:50 You said what happened?
00:19:52 Oh, nothing much.
00:19:53 We just wanted different things.
00:19:55 I wanted someone to take home for the holidays,
00:19:58 and he wanted to text photos of his cock to the girl
00:20:00 that made his double macchiato.
00:20:02 Ouch.
00:20:03 Oh, it was my fault.
00:20:06 He was too hot to be trustworthy.
00:20:08 Always date down.
00:20:10 That's what my sister says.
00:20:12 I didn't listen.
00:20:14 I gotta pee.
00:20:16 Oh, my God.
00:20:23 It looks like I got stabbed.
00:20:25 It's just some wine.
00:20:26 I can't get engaged wearing this dress.
00:20:28 It's okay, okay.
00:20:29 It's not that bad.
00:20:30 Yeah, yeah, it kind of looks like a flower.
00:20:32 Right.
00:20:33 A flower of blood.
00:20:35 Oh.
00:20:37 I'll trade with you.
00:20:39 Oh, my God.
00:20:42 I'm Carrie.
00:20:44 Listen, he loves you, okay?
00:20:47 He's still gonna propose.
00:20:49 All my life, I wanted to be proposed to on New Year's Eve,
00:20:52 and now it's ruined.
00:20:55 Let's just go.
00:20:57 Hi.
00:21:00 Oh, my God.
00:21:02 You look so beautiful.
00:21:05 Don't ask.
00:21:15 Come on.
00:21:17 ♪ I can't get enough
00:21:19 ♪ Of your love
00:21:21 ♪ I can't get enough
00:21:23 ♪ Of your love, love, love, love
00:21:25 ♪ Just keep it coming
00:21:27 ♪ I can't get enough
00:21:28 ♪ Of your love, love, love, love
00:21:30 ♪ I can't get enough
00:21:32 ♪ Of your love, love, love, love
00:21:34 ♪ I love it, love it
00:21:36 ♪ I love it, love it
00:21:38 ♪ I love it, love it
00:21:40 ♪ So tell me, tell me, tell me
00:21:42 ♪ How you're feeling
00:21:44 ♪ I'm gonna be the kings and queens
00:21:46 ♪ Finger on the finger, we'll crank it up loud
00:21:49 ♪ I love it
00:21:51 ♪ I can't get enough
00:21:53 ♪ I love it
00:21:54 ♪ I can't get enough
00:21:56 ♪ I love it
00:21:58 ♪ I love it, love it, love it
00:22:00 Thank you.
00:22:02 You ever want to do it?
00:22:10 No.
00:22:12 Nobody puts baby in a corner.
00:22:15 All right, everyone, get back to your room.
00:22:25 ♪ 'Cause we seem to understand
00:22:27 ♪ We are just a team
00:22:30 ♪ We're just a team
00:22:32 ♪ Just a team
00:22:34 [cheers and applause]
00:22:36 ♪
00:22:38 ♪
00:22:40 ♪
00:22:42 ♪
00:22:44 ♪
00:22:46 ♪
00:22:48 ♪
00:22:50 ♪
00:22:52 ♪
00:22:54 ♪
00:22:56 ♪
00:22:58 ♪
00:23:00 ♪
00:23:02 ♪
00:23:04 ♪
00:23:06 ♪
00:23:08 Boo! Boo!
00:23:10 [screams]
00:23:12 [crowd groans]
00:23:14 [crowd groans]
00:23:16 [sighs]
00:23:18 ♪
00:23:21 Nobody drops baby on her head.
00:23:24 ♪
00:23:26 All right, I'll take a piss.
00:23:28 ♪
00:23:32 All right, y'all.
00:23:34 Are y'all ready for a new year, Chicago?
00:23:37 [cheers and applause]
00:23:38 Yeah!
00:23:39 All right, grab your seat belts,
00:23:41 and let's do this thing, baby.
00:23:43 Come on, y'all. In time.
00:23:45 Eight, seven, six, five,
00:23:48 four, three, two, one!
00:23:51 Happy New Year, Chicago!
00:23:55 [cheers and applause]
00:23:57 ♪
00:23:59 ♪
00:24:01 ♪
00:24:03 ♪
00:24:05 ♪
00:24:07 ♪
00:24:09 ♪ Should all acquaintance be forgotten ♪
00:24:12 ♪ And never brought to mind?
00:24:15 ♪ Should all acquaintance be forgotten ♪
00:24:18 ♪ And all Langsine ♪
00:24:22 ♪ For all Langsine, my friend ♪
00:24:26 ♪ For all Langsine ♪
00:24:29 ♪ We'll take a cup of kindness ♪
00:24:32 Shit. Sorry.
00:24:34 ♪ For all Langsine ♪
00:24:36 Happy New Year.
00:24:37 Happy New Year.
00:24:39 ♪
00:24:41 ♪
00:24:44 ♪ And there's a hand, my trusted friend ♪
00:24:48 ♪ Give me a hand of thine ♪
00:24:51 ♪ We'll take a ride ♪
00:24:53 ♪ Goodwill drive ♪
00:24:55 ♪ For all Langsine ♪
00:24:58 You know, tonight didn't suck.
00:25:05 I actually had a fairly decent time.
00:25:07 Yeah.
00:25:08 I mean, not the worst night of my life.
00:25:12 So what are you doing for Valentine's?
00:25:14 That's in two months.
00:25:16 Yeah, I know.
00:25:17 But if I look in plans now,
00:25:18 then maybe I won't end up doing anything stupid.
00:25:21 Flattered, but two months is a long time.
00:25:24 A lot could happen before then.
00:25:27 Sure.
00:25:29 And if not, I have a standing date at a candy store,
00:25:32 so I'm good.
00:25:34 Oh. Okay. Sure.
00:25:37 Good night, then.
00:25:39 Happy New Year.
00:25:41 Happy New Year.
00:25:43 ♪
00:25:46 ♪
00:25:49 ♪
00:25:53 What do you mean you don't have a date for Valentine's Day?
00:25:56 Don't say it like I just told you I have cancer.
00:25:59 But it's Valentine's Day.
00:26:01 No, it's Thursday.
00:26:03 And I am gonna take a long, hot bath,
00:26:06 pop a bottle of pinot,
00:26:07 treat myself to a few pounds of chocolate,
00:26:09 and who knows, might even watch a little porn.
00:26:12 You can't watch porn on Valentine's Day.
00:26:15 You should especially watch porn on Valentine's Day.
00:26:18 So what is that cute doctor?
00:26:20 What's his name? Farouk.
00:26:21 You should call him.
00:26:23 Forget it.
00:26:24 I'm not dating someone my mother sets me up with.
00:26:27 What about the mall guy?
00:26:28 You said that you had fun on New Year's.
00:26:30 Yeah, but it was a one-time thing.
00:26:31 He wasn't attracted to me.
00:26:33 He said that?
00:26:34 Yep.
00:26:35 Ick.
00:26:37 Were you attracted to him?
00:26:38 Uh, no.
00:26:40 He can't even speak English.
00:26:41 I mean, you should hear him try to say the word "khaki."
00:26:43 He says it like "khakis."
00:26:45 [laughing]
00:26:47 Look, I'm perfectly happy being single.
00:26:50 I get to do what I want, when I want,
00:26:52 and I don't have to deal with the stress
00:26:54 of shaving and plucking and waxing.
00:26:57 Oh, best thing about marriage, no more waxing.
00:27:00 Okay, but what about the wedding?
00:27:01 You can't be alone at the wedding.
00:27:03 The wedding's in eight months.
00:27:05 And you're already letting yourself go.
00:27:07 You know, everyone needs to mind their own business, okay?
00:27:10 My romantic status and personal hygiene
00:27:12 are completely under control.
00:27:14 Now, if you'll excuse me,
00:27:16 I have an obscene amount of candy to buy.
00:27:18 I bet Rodney's still available.
00:27:23 Oh, God, please text him.
00:27:24 Okay.
00:27:25 Ooh.
00:27:29 [chuckles]
00:27:32 [gasps]
00:27:33 Sloan?
00:27:35 Luke?
00:27:37 Oh, my God!
00:27:41 How are you?
00:27:43 What is...
00:27:44 Baby, taste this.
00:27:46 How amazing.
00:27:50 Yeah.
00:27:51 My tongue is having a major orgasm right now.
00:27:54 [chuckles]
00:27:55 Do these come in any other flavors?
00:27:58 Oh, I-I don't work here.
00:28:00 Sorry, I thought you were stalking the shows or something.
00:28:03 [laughs]
00:28:04 No, I'm not.
00:28:06 Oh, no, no, no.
00:28:07 Uh, darling, this is Sloan.
00:28:09 We were lovers for a few months.
00:28:12 Oh, lucky you.
00:28:15 Isn't he amazing in bed?
00:28:17 He's like the Terminator,
00:28:18 only I'm the one who never stops coming.
00:28:21 Um...
00:28:22 Hey, love muffin.
00:28:23 I thought you were gonna meet me in Brookstein
00:28:25 and try out those massages.
00:28:27 G'day, I'm Jackson.
00:28:29 I'm Sloan's little boy toy at the moment, you know?
00:28:32 I'm just trying to nail her down long-term,
00:28:35 but, you know, she's such a strong and independent woman.
00:28:37 I don't know.
00:28:38 Stop it.
00:28:39 Stop.
00:28:40 I'm Luke, and, uh, this is Felicity.
00:28:44 Wow, um, so you two are just beautiful.
00:28:48 Mm-hmm.
00:28:49 I mean...
00:28:50 Ow.
00:28:51 Thank you.
00:28:52 Are we done today?
00:28:56 Because I had some big plans for you in Victoria's Secret.
00:29:03 (laughs)
00:29:04 Should we go?
00:29:05 Yeah.
00:29:06 Perfect, okay.
00:29:07 Hey, lovely to meet you guys.
00:29:09 Seriously, all the best.
00:29:10 Thank you very much.
00:29:11 Okay, bye, Felicia.
00:29:12 Felicity!
00:29:13 I'm gonna be sick.
00:29:14 Just breathe, just breathe.
00:29:15 (sobs)
00:29:16 (sobs)
00:29:19 Now drink this.
00:29:25 (gags)
00:29:26 Now I'm for sure gonna be sick.
00:29:28 It's green juice.
00:29:29 It's good for you.
00:29:30 You know, the human body is capable of living to about 120 years
00:29:34 if you take care of it.
00:29:35 Who cares?
00:29:37 It's all downhill after 40.
00:29:39 Who wants an extra 80 years or the worst part of your life?
00:29:42 Well, if you've got a Felicity in your life...
00:29:44 Sorry, that was a low blow.
00:29:48 Why does the next girlfriend always have to be younger and hotter?
00:29:52 Is it like some kind of unwritten law?
00:29:54 Well, you know, normally the younger and the hotter the girl,
00:29:57 the less chance of commitment.
00:29:58 So, in a way, it's actually a compliment.
00:30:01 Wait, that's it.
00:30:05 He's afraid.
00:30:06 Dating Felicity is a cry for help.
00:30:08 What, are you drunk?
00:30:10 Maybe a little.
00:30:11 Those bourbon truffles are stronger than I thought.
00:30:14 I took this.
00:30:17 I stole it.
00:30:18 Okay, well, I'm not going back in there,
00:30:20 so we may as well destroy the evidence.
00:30:23 No, don't eat that crap.
00:30:25 I'm a professional athlete.
00:30:26 Seriously?
00:30:28 Golf is like the least athletic sport on the planet.
00:30:31 I'll have you know that golf requires more precise muscle control
00:30:34 and hand-eye coordination than football and basketball combined.
00:30:39 Maybe.
00:30:40 But LeBron doesn't need a tiny cart to take him up and down the court.
00:30:44 Come on.
00:30:46 Don't be such a pussy.
00:30:47 It's weird when girls say pussy.
00:30:49 Oh, my God, you really are a pussy.
00:30:52 Well, if I wasn't such a pussy,
00:30:54 you'd be stuck in a candy store talking to your ex-boyfriend
00:30:57 and his smoking hot new girlfriend.
00:31:00 So, you're welcome, by the way.
00:31:03 You're right.
00:31:07 Thank you.
00:31:08 I owe you.
00:31:11 That's better.
00:31:13 Now, I'll take my hand job in the parking lot, thank you?
00:31:17 Oh, a hand job.
00:31:20 What are you, like 12?
00:31:22 You have hand jobs at 12?
00:31:24 I developed early.
00:31:26 Oh, my God, it's so good.
00:31:28 Is that enough?
00:31:29 I want more.
00:31:30 No, no, no.
00:31:31 Stop moving.
00:31:32 I'm almost done.
00:31:33 Oh, my God, you are not kidding.
00:31:35 Hold on, hold on.
00:31:36 Shit.
00:31:37 Shit, it's all over my pants.
00:31:38 Do you have any baby wipes?
00:31:40 Yeah, they're in my glove box next to the diapers.
00:31:43 Oh, my God, you're a bad influence.
00:31:45 I'm not.
00:31:46 Do you want a cigarette?
00:31:48 Do you smoke?
00:31:50 No.
00:31:52 Not really, just like sometimes.
00:31:54 A little tobacco never killed anybody.
00:31:56 I'm pretty sure it has.
00:31:58 I get it, okay?
00:32:01 It sucks running into your boyfriend on Valentine's Day in a candy store wearing pajamas.
00:32:06 Ex-boyfriend, and these are not pajamas.
00:32:08 They're lounge pants.
00:32:10 Hmm.
00:32:11 Believe it or not, this isn't the worst Valentine's Day of my life.
00:32:14 Why didn't you just call me?
00:32:16 I don't know.
00:32:18 I guess I was just embarrassed to admit that nothing had changed since New Year's.
00:32:22 Yeah, but isn't that the whole point of this holiday thing,
00:32:24 is that we get to avoid this stupid pressure and all the judgment?
00:32:28 Look, whatever.
00:32:29 At least the biggies are behind us.
00:32:31 I mean, Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's Day.
00:32:33 Yeah, but I'm telling you, the small ones are just as risky.
00:32:36 I once spent an Earth Day chained to a tree with a chick from Greenpeace.
00:32:40 It was the longest ten days of my life.
00:32:42 Oh.
00:32:45 I guess it would be nice to bring someone home for Easter.
00:32:48 Let's make it official.
00:32:49 Holidays until further notice.
00:32:51 What about sex?
00:32:53 Will Lester be joining us?
00:32:55 No, I'm serious.
00:32:56 Friends with men have never worked.
00:32:58 Yeah, but that's only because you girls get clingy and always want more.
00:33:01 Us?
00:33:03 Yeah, it's not your fault.
00:33:05 Women are hardwired to attach and procreate.
00:33:08 Okay, and men are just hardwired to panic and flee.
00:33:10 Okay, fine.
00:33:11 So, we agree.
00:33:12 Non-sexual holidays from now on.
00:33:15 Now, um, coconut costa.
00:33:22 Mm-hmm.
00:33:23 Yeah.
00:33:24 Oh!
00:33:25 [laughing]
00:33:26 [music]
00:33:31 [chanting]
00:33:37 I can't, I can't, I'm sorry!
00:33:40 I can't, I can't, I can't!
00:33:42 [cheering]
00:33:46 Come on, come on, come on!
00:33:48 Come on, come on, come on!
00:33:50 [cheering]
00:33:54 York?
00:33:55 Holy shit, no way.
00:33:57 Um...
00:33:58 Dude, what the fuck?
00:33:59 How are you, mate?
00:34:01 Wait, you guys know each other?
00:34:03 Wait, you guys know each other?
00:34:05 Yeah, that's my little brother.
00:34:07 All right, Jack's been giving me golf lessons for over a year now.
00:34:10 You play golf?
00:34:11 Only since you've known me.
00:34:13 All right, Jackson, meet my fiancee, Liz.
00:34:16 Hi.
00:34:17 You're still Liz, right?
00:34:18 And my sister, Abby.
00:34:20 Hi.
00:34:21 And her invisible husband, Peter.
00:34:22 Hi, Peter.
00:34:23 Where is Peter?
00:34:24 Nice to meet you.
00:34:25 He still doesn't trust the kids with a sitter.
00:34:26 I mean, I keep saying it's fine.
00:34:27 A two-year-old can die all nine-one-one.
00:34:29 Uh...
00:34:30 I'm joking.
00:34:31 [laughing]
00:34:32 But the six-year-old is more than capable.
00:34:34 Ignore my sister.
00:34:36 She has four kids.
00:34:37 Oh, two-- Oh, God, I have four kids.
00:34:39 Jesus.
00:34:40 Well, it sounds like you need a drink.
00:34:41 I have many.
00:34:42 Ooh, that is a two-man job.
00:34:44 And me.
00:34:45 Drink.
00:34:46 Ooh.
00:34:48 Is that the guy from the mall?
00:34:50 Yeah.
00:34:51 'Cause he's cute.
00:34:52 Really?
00:34:53 So, wait, okay, so what's the deal?
00:34:54 It's like you're friends with benefits?
00:34:55 No, no benefits.
00:34:56 We're hardly even friends.
00:34:58 We never talk.
00:34:59 It's strictly holidays.
00:35:00 So then what's the point?
00:35:02 Uh, the point is that I am here with someone.
00:35:05 And I'm having fun.
00:35:07 And you're not parading me around the bar
00:35:09 and forcing my number on anything with a Y chromosome.
00:35:12 Speaking of that,
00:35:13 uh, if you get a strange text,
00:35:15 his name is Leroy.
00:35:16 He's a bouncer.
00:35:18 Did you guys know you're golfed?
00:35:20 Yes.
00:35:21 Yes.
00:35:22 ♪ I'm D-U-Y, I hardly ever cuss over ♪
00:35:27 ♪ And you about to get ran the fuck over ♪
00:35:30 ♪ Move, bitch, get out the way ♪
00:35:32 ♪ Get out the way, bitch, get out the way ♪
00:35:34 ♪ Move, bitch, get out the way ♪
00:35:36 ♪ Move, bitch, get out the way ♪
00:35:38 ♪ Get out the way, bitch, get out the way ♪
00:35:41 ♪ Move, bitch, get out the way ♪
00:35:43 In honor of Easter,
00:35:45 Jackson will enjoy his first taste of blue dye number seven.
00:35:48 No.
00:35:49 You know, they've done experiments on those things
00:35:50 where they don't decompose
00:35:51 even after, like, ten years in the sun.
00:35:53 Really?
00:35:54 Yeah.
00:35:55 So it's like anti-aging.
00:35:57 Happy Easter, my little bunnies.
00:35:59 This is Jesus.
00:36:01 Oh, I see what you did there.
00:36:02 What in God's name are you wearing?
00:36:04 Bunnies.
00:36:05 This is an Easter brunch.
00:36:07 This is not the time for a silly costume.
00:36:09 Up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up.
00:36:12 Looks like someone else didn't get the memo.
00:36:14 Oh, Farouk.
00:36:19 I'm so glad you could make it.
00:36:21 Oh, thank you.
00:36:22 I'm sorry I'm late.
00:36:23 I was doing rounds for the kids in the cancer ward.
00:36:26 Aw.
00:36:27 I like a man in fur.
00:36:29 Thank you.
00:36:30 You remember my daughter, Sloane?
00:36:33 I, of course.
00:36:35 You're even prettier in person.
00:36:37 Oh, thank you.
00:36:38 I'm Ed Jackson.
00:36:39 Nice to meet you.
00:36:40 Hey.
00:36:41 Dig the bunny suit.
00:36:42 I'm sorry, Farouk.
00:36:43 We weren't expecting Sloane to bring a guest.
00:36:46 Really?
00:36:47 Because I explicitly said I was bringing a guest.
00:36:50 Yes.
00:36:51 I'll just go say hi to the kids.
00:36:57 Mm.
00:36:59 You see what you did?
00:37:01 Now he thinks you're not interested.
00:37:03 I'm not interested.
00:37:04 I can't believe you're trying to set me up on Easter.
00:37:06 With the bunny.
00:37:07 It's because I care about you.
00:37:09 I want you to find someone who has real potential.
00:37:12 Not this holiday crap like your aunt.
00:37:16 She seems like she's having fun.
00:37:20 He's gonna die alone in a wheelchair in a diaper.
00:37:26 Is that what you want?
00:37:28 Do I get a male nurse?
00:37:31 So, Daisy, how are things with Levi, the juice box king?
00:37:38 We broke up.
00:37:39 Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
00:37:41 It's okay.
00:37:42 He wasn't ready for a real relationship.
00:37:44 I need someone who's gonna put me first.
00:37:47 Gotta go.
00:37:48 Wow.
00:37:51 She is in such great shape.
00:37:53 Mm.
00:37:54 [chuckles]
00:37:56 You know, uh, the bunny doctor seems nice.
00:38:02 Maybe you should go for it.
00:38:04 Really?
00:38:05 Full head of hair, doctor.
00:38:08 Obviously, great kids.
00:38:10 It's every girl's dream, right?
00:38:13 I don't know.
00:38:15 Maybe.
00:38:16 Plus, I'm not ready.
00:38:20 Well, what's it been?
00:38:21 Almost a year?
00:38:22 So?
00:38:23 Women process heartbreak differently.
00:38:25 We need time.
00:38:26 You just dump us and move on.
00:38:28 Hey, women can be just as brutal.
00:38:30 Trust me.
00:38:31 I know plenty of blokes who've had their hearts crushed by some chick
00:38:34 who pretended to care about him.
00:38:36 Pretended she liked his friends
00:38:38 and was into his hobbies like cricket and backgammon
00:38:44 and even went so far as to put just all this girly stuff in his bathroom
00:38:49 and hide bobby pins in the strangest places.
00:38:51 You know, maybe they even started exploring
00:38:54 a couple of certain sexual doors that they've never explored before.
00:38:58 And then one day, without warning,
00:39:02 the bathroom's cleared out and she's changed her phone number
00:39:06 and she snuck out of my place with a panini maker.
00:39:09 A fucking panini maker.
00:39:13 Well, panini makers are expensive.
00:39:18 Oh, I know.
00:39:19 I paid for it.
00:39:20 I'm sorry, Lord.
00:39:21 So, uh, what kind of sexual doors are we talking?
00:39:30 Really?
00:39:31 What? You brought it up. Now I'm curious.
00:39:33 Are we talking like, like back door?
00:39:37 [music]
00:39:39 [chanting]
00:39:41 You never answered my door question.
00:39:49 That's probably because it's none of your business.
00:39:51 Come on.
00:39:52 Were there proms involved?
00:39:54 Costumes?
00:39:55 An invited guest?
00:39:57 Stop. Please.
00:39:58 Just because you don't have a sex life of your own,
00:40:01 it doesn't mean you can peel for three miles.
00:40:04 I have a sex life.
00:40:06 Really?
00:40:07 When was the last time you had sex?
00:40:09 When did you?
00:40:11 Thursday.
00:40:13 A Thursday?
00:40:14 With who?
00:40:16 Uh, that cocktail waitress from St. Patrick's Day.
00:40:19 You met a cocktail waitress on St. Patrick's Day?
00:40:22 You were with me.
00:40:23 Yeah, but she just hopped in my Uber.
00:40:25 [chanting]
00:40:27 What happened to holiday rule number one,
00:40:33 which was no judgments?
00:40:35 Yes, you're right. I'm sorry.
00:40:37 Your lack of a sex life is none of my business.
00:40:39 I just feel bad for you. That's all.
00:40:41 Oh, you feel bad for me?
00:40:45 [laughs]
00:40:47 I see what you're trying to do here.
00:40:49 What am I trying to do?
00:40:50 You're trying to get in my head and freak me out
00:40:52 so we end up having sex.
00:40:54 I don't want to have sex with you.
00:40:55 Oh, right. How could I forget?
00:40:56 You don't find me attractive.
00:40:58 That's not what I said.
00:41:00 Whatever. It's your loss.
00:41:03 Sure it is.
00:41:04 Seriously, I am fantastic in bed.
00:41:06 Yeah, right.
00:41:07 You developed early and hand-built at 12.
00:41:10 Yada, yada, yada.
00:41:11 Okay, well, it doesn't mean I was a slut or anything,
00:41:14 but some people are just naturally gifted.
00:41:18 And I happen to be one of those people.
00:41:20 I guess we'll never know.
00:41:23 I guess we won't.
00:41:24 [chanting]
00:41:26 [cheering]
00:41:33 [music]
00:41:35 [cheering]
00:41:37 [music]
00:42:06 Hello.
00:42:07 Hi.
00:42:09 You're on the floor.
00:42:12 Yes, I, uh, remember falling off the couch,
00:42:18 and it just seemed like--
00:42:19 it seemed like a lot of work to get back up.
00:42:23 So I guess we might have--
00:42:26 No, we didn't.
00:42:29 You're wearing my underwear.
00:42:34 [gasps]
00:42:36 Well, that doesn't mean anything.
00:42:39 I probably got cold in the night
00:42:42 after my panties fell off.
00:42:45 Come on, you must be able to tell somehow.
00:42:48 Tell how?
00:42:49 I don't know. I don't have a vagina.
00:42:52 Well, there's no forensic evidence.
00:42:56 Nothing's dried on my leg.
00:42:57 There's no wrapper on the floor,
00:43:00 if that's what you're wondering.
00:43:03 Can't you tell?
00:43:05 I mean, he looks a little tired,
00:43:08 but I don't think he's really satisfied.
00:43:11 I'm telling you, we didn't do it.
00:43:13 One of us would for sure be able to tell.
00:43:16 Sweet. Let's go with that.
00:43:18 Good. Coffee?
00:43:20 Please.
00:43:21 Cream?
00:43:22 No, thank you, black.
00:43:24 Okay.
00:43:25 Cheers.
00:43:32 It's Mother's Day.
00:43:33 Can we not talk about my personal life for a change?
00:43:36 It's my day, and I have a right to know
00:43:38 what my only child is doing with her life.
00:43:40 You have two other children.
00:43:41 Not single.
00:43:42 You're the one I'll worry about.
00:43:44 And I don't understand why you're wasting my daughter's time
00:43:47 with this meaningless stuff.
00:43:49 It's not meaningless.
00:43:50 We're friends.
00:43:51 She doesn't need another friend.
00:43:53 She needs a husband, a partner,
00:43:55 someone who is legally bound to be there during the chemo.
00:43:59 What chemo?
00:44:00 Oh, honey, don't kid yourself.
00:44:02 You have bad genes.
00:44:04 And bald women don't really get a lot of dates.
00:44:07 You have nothing to worry about, okay?
00:44:09 Sloane is a great girl, even bald.
00:44:12 Then why aren't you sleeping with her?
00:44:14 Mom! Jesus!
00:44:16 I'm just saying that it's not gonna kill you to try.
00:44:19 It's like escargot.
00:44:21 It may sound unappealing, it may look unappealing,
00:44:24 but once you put it in your mouth, it'll knock your socks off.
00:44:27 So maybe this holiday thing will turn into something.
00:44:31 Did you just compare sex with me to eating slugs?
00:44:38 Well, she has a point.
00:44:41 I'm just saying.
00:44:43 I mean, I hear the bathrooms here are really nice.
00:44:47 Oh, is this...
00:44:51 Is this the place with the Egyptian cotton towels?
00:44:54 Easy clean up.
00:44:56 Excuse me, where are the nearest ladies' rooms?
00:44:59 Oh, right over there to the left.
00:45:01 Thank you.
00:45:03 Shall we?
00:45:04 We shall.
00:45:05 You guys are hilarious.
00:45:07 Happy Mother's Day, Mom.
00:45:09 This one's for you.
00:45:11 I think we got her.
00:45:15 Oh, yeah.
00:45:16 You're not funny.
00:45:18 ♪ Somewhere in America ♪
00:45:23 ♪ Is a young man... ♪
00:45:24 Is this gonna be enough?
00:45:26 I think it's a start.
00:45:28 Hi, honey. Drive safely.
00:45:32 Oh, I love you. You got it.
00:45:34 [laughs]
00:45:36 Let's get this party started.
00:45:40 Shotgun.
00:45:41 You can't call Shunkin.
00:45:42 Really? 'Cause it sounded like I just did.
00:45:44 No way. I'm not getting back there with him.
00:45:46 Uncle Sam is harmless.
00:45:48 But we said it was a girls' trip.
00:45:50 He can't drive with his glaucoma.
00:45:53 Come on, get in the car.
00:45:55 Oh.
00:45:57 Oh, awesome.
00:46:01 Is that pot?
00:46:03 It's medicinal for my sciatica.
00:46:06 Ooh, I love pot. Can you pass it over?
00:46:09 You guys, we're going to Peter's family reunion.
00:46:11 Let's be respectful.
00:46:12 Liz, these are your last days as a single woman.
00:46:15 You need to loosen up.
00:46:16 Sam, give her a hit.
00:46:18 I'm not putting my lips on that thing. I'm a bride.
00:46:21 Come on, a little hit won't kill you.
00:46:22 Grandmothers and cancer patients smoke pot, Liz.
00:46:24 Yeah.
00:46:25 Do it for the kids.
00:46:26 I love the kids.
00:46:28 Pee.
00:46:30 [coughs]
00:46:31 I don't feel anything.
00:46:33 You did inhale. Try again.
00:46:35 Oh, okay.
00:46:37 Nope. Still don't feel a thing.
00:46:48 Bummer.
00:46:50 [cheering]
00:46:52 [cheering]
00:46:54 [cheering]
00:46:56 [cheering]
00:46:58 [cheering]
00:47:00 God bless America!
00:47:02 Mmm.
00:47:07 I guess I'm just one of those people that drugs don't affect.
00:47:12 Yeah, that's you. Unaffected, all right.
00:47:16 Ready?
00:47:17 Yeah, you gotta throw it, man.
00:47:18 Right to the end.
00:47:19 [explosion]
00:47:20 [cheering]
00:47:22 That's what I'm talking about. Shut up.
00:47:23 Love smelling napalm, man.
00:47:25 Whoo!
00:47:26 What is it about men and explosives?
00:47:29 How about the cops?
00:47:31 What do fireworks have to do with a man's anatomy?
00:47:35 Just like Jack can off, men live with the orgasm.
00:47:40 If they're not fucking, they're dreaming about fucking,
00:47:43 we'll blow stuff up.
00:47:45 Next best thing to fucking.
00:47:48 [laughing]
00:47:50 So they're all down there right now thinking about fucking.
00:47:57 You can say it, Liz.
00:47:59 I don't need to say it.
00:48:01 I think you do.
00:48:02 Just leave her alone.
00:48:04 No! She's getting married soon.
00:48:07 She needs to learn to express herself and not be so bunched up and repressed.
00:48:11 Come on, say it.
00:48:13 Fuck, fuck, fuck.
00:48:14 No!
00:48:16 Come on, fuck.
00:48:18 No!
00:48:20 Fuck.
00:48:21 No!
00:48:22 Fuck.
00:48:25 Fuck!
00:48:27 Are you all happy now?
00:48:29 [explosion]
00:48:30 [cheering]
00:48:32 Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
00:48:35 Hey, do we have a first aid kit by chance?
00:48:39 Maybe. Band-Aids, why?
00:48:41 Jackson, he just blew off his finger, a little bit.
00:48:46 Oh, my God!
00:48:49 Okay, everybody remain calm.
00:48:52 Liz, go get some ice, and a baggie.
00:48:55 York, find something to make a tourniquet.
00:48:57 Do we have the finger?
00:49:00 Okay, gang, a little hustle, please.
00:49:02 We got to find that finger.
00:49:04 Got it!
00:49:05 [cheering]
00:49:06 Yes!
00:49:07 Boo-yah!
00:49:09 [cheering]
00:49:11 Are you sure that's mine?
00:49:12 He's in shock. We got to get him to the hospital.
00:49:14 I'll take him.
00:49:15 No, no, no, you're drunk. I'll take him.
00:49:17 Maybe we can hit a Burger King on the way.
00:49:19 Are you stoned?
00:49:20 No.
00:49:21 Why, are you?
00:49:22 Okay, Peter's sober, so you can drive him.
00:49:23 We'll watch you, kids.
00:49:24 Cool. Kids can tread water, can't you?
00:49:27 Uh, nope, no way I'm leaving my children with these degenerates.
00:49:30 Good call, good call.
00:49:31 Oh, God, okay.
00:49:32 Oh, please, no, not me, not me.
00:49:33 I'm not good with blood, you know this.
00:49:35 Or cars, or blood.
00:49:36 Yes, yes.
00:49:37 No!
00:49:38 You got this, you got this.
00:49:39 Go, go, go, go.
00:49:40 Breathe, breathe.
00:49:42 You're gonna be okay, buddy.
00:49:45 It's my fuck you finger.
00:49:47 I can't lose my fuck you finger.
00:49:49 Sloan, good luck. His fuck you finger's in your hands.
00:49:51 Don't say that!
00:49:54 Oh!
00:49:57 Jesus H. Christ.
00:50:00 I'm sorry, does it hurt really bad?
00:50:02 No, it's like a paper cut.
00:50:03 Really?
00:50:04 No, not really.
00:50:05 Don't yell at me, I'm a nervous driver.
00:50:08 Technically unlicensed.
00:50:10 You don't have a license?
00:50:11 I mean, I had one, just expired a while back.
00:50:14 Jesus Christ, Sloan, my finger's in a fucking Ziploc bag.
00:50:17 I know, and it's really freaking me out.
00:50:19 Can you put it in the glove box or something?
00:50:20 God, we wouldn't want you to be freaked out now, would we?
00:50:24 Your sister's very sweet.
00:50:25 I have a pizza lighter in my purse.
00:50:27 I don't do drugs.
00:50:28 Can you call yourself a professional athlete?
00:50:30 Watch out!
00:50:31 Oh, my God!
00:50:32 Slow down!
00:50:33 Run, run, run, run, run!
00:50:35 Strawberry!
00:50:36 No, seriously!
00:50:38 Car!
00:50:39 [tires screeching]
00:50:41 Oh, my God, why couldn't I just call an Uber?
00:50:45 Dr. Lambert to the OR.
00:50:47 Dr. Lambert to the OR, stat.
00:50:49 [music playing]
00:50:51 [coughing]
00:50:54 Oh, my God.
00:50:57 Just relax.
00:50:59 I've got it all under control.
00:51:01 You don't have to lift a finger.
00:51:04 No, seriously?
00:51:06 I'm too tired to report you.
00:51:14 Thanks, mate.
00:51:15 I'm sorry.
00:51:16 I'm sorry.
00:51:18 Hold on a second.
00:51:19 I-- I know you from somewhere.
00:51:22 I just-- I just can't put my finger on it.
00:51:27 [laughing]
00:51:31 The doctor will be with you shortly.
00:51:32 He's reattaching a toe.
00:51:34 Toe?
00:51:35 Hold on a second.
00:51:36 A finger must take priority over a toe.
00:51:39 Sorry.
00:51:40 If only you'd been a jackass a little earlier in the day.
00:51:43 Wow.
00:51:47 You've really got her wrapped around your finger.
00:51:51 [laughing]
00:51:55 All right.
00:51:57 Farouk?
00:51:59 Sloan.
00:52:00 Are you hurt?
00:52:01 Are you OK?
00:52:02 Hi.
00:52:03 Hey.
00:52:04 No, I'm fine.
00:52:05 I just-- I didn't know you worked all the way out here.
00:52:08 I don't normally.
00:52:09 They called me in to reattach a pinky toe.
00:52:12 That's so amazing.
00:52:14 It's a crucial phalange.
00:52:16 Stop.
00:52:17 [laughing]
00:52:19 Wow, you're doing such amazing work.
00:52:22 Like, wow.
00:52:23 [laughing]
00:52:25 I'm just doing my part.
00:52:27 Yeah.
00:52:28 You know.
00:52:29 Oh.
00:52:30 You know, I was a little disappointed I didn't hear back from you.
00:52:34 And I'm disappointed that I don't get to see my favorite bunny suit.
00:52:38 Ah, yes.
00:52:39 Jackson.
00:52:40 From Easter.
00:52:42 Sparkler got away from you, did it?
00:52:44 It was an M80, actually.
00:52:46 Oh, ooh.
00:52:48 That's going to hurt.
00:52:50 Skin's a little crispy.
00:52:53 But it looks like the bone didn't shatter.
00:52:55 Oh, yes.
00:52:56 All right.
00:52:57 Hang tight.
00:52:58 We'll get you prepped for surgery, OK?
00:53:00 You can fix it.
00:53:01 Well--
00:53:02 He can fix it.
00:53:03 We'll see.
00:53:04 Fingers crossed.
00:53:07 Tough crowd.
00:53:11 All right.
00:53:12 Here we go.
00:53:13 You good?
00:53:14 Oh, OK.
00:53:15 This is a shoeless apartment.
00:53:17 All right.
00:53:18 I got your prescriptions right here.
00:53:20 Thank you.
00:53:22 The deli down the block will be delivering your soup.
00:53:25 Mm-hmm.
00:53:26 And I called your mother.
00:53:29 Really?
00:53:30 What did she say?
00:53:32 I shouldn't answer.
00:53:33 I just left her a message.
00:53:35 Oh, yeah.
00:53:36 Told her you had a little accident,
00:53:37 and she should probably give you a call.
00:53:39 Thanks.
00:53:41 I'm really sorry that I ruined your Father's Day.
00:53:47 Holiday rule number three, leave no holiday behind
00:53:51 or their appendages.
00:53:53 [laughter]
00:53:55 [music playing]
00:53:59 [sigh]
00:54:01 You should-- you should probably get some rest.
00:54:09 Yeah, yeah.
00:54:10 Yeah, I should.
00:54:12 Unless you need anything else?
00:54:18 Uh, no.
00:54:20 I think I'm good.
00:54:22 But I think I've fallen.
00:54:24 I--
00:54:25 I'm really tired.
00:54:30 OK.
00:54:31 I guess I'll just go then.
00:54:35 OK.
00:54:36 Yeah, sure.
00:54:37 See you later.
00:54:43 [laughter]
00:54:44 [music playing]
00:54:48 [music playing]
00:54:51 Now, hands touched.
00:55:16 Holy shit.
00:55:19 Juice protection?
00:55:21 I'm telling you, there was a vibe.
00:55:23 Vibes are hot.
00:55:25 God, I miss vibes.
00:55:27 Yeah, but now it's weird.
00:55:29 Weirder than not knowing whether or not his penis was
00:55:31 actually inside of you?
00:55:33 Yes, actually, because vibes could be real feelings.
00:55:36 What I'm trying to tell you is that there
00:55:37 was a serious shift.
00:55:38 I mean, it is not platonic anymore.
00:55:41 Oh, well, you're in trouble.
00:55:42 You've got to get out.
00:55:43 I can't.
00:55:44 It's her brother's wedding on Labe Day.
00:55:45 I'm-- I'm just confused.
00:55:47 You like him.
00:55:48 He likes you.
00:55:49 These are not real problems.
00:55:50 Yes, they are.
00:55:51 I can't just like him, like him until I know for sure
00:55:54 that he likes me, likes me.
00:55:55 You cannot go to a wedding with a girl who
00:55:57 has actual feelings for you.
00:55:58 They start to get ideas and shit.
00:56:00 No, listen to me, brother.
00:56:01 As a black man, I'm speaking to this.
00:56:03 Don't do it.
00:56:04 No.
00:56:05 No.
00:56:06 Labe Day is technically a holiday,
00:56:07 and we have the holiday deal.
00:56:08 What am I supposed to do?
00:56:09 A wedding trumps a holiday.
00:56:11 You understand that, right?
00:56:12 Men loathe weddings.
00:56:14 Even if-- even if it's a holiday, right?
00:56:15 So if he's not trying to get out of it,
00:56:18 then there's your use.
00:56:20 I'm going to ask him about the wedding.
00:56:22 So tell her to go with someone else,
00:56:24 someone who has actual potential,
00:56:26 like you're doing her a favor.
00:56:28 Who-- who do I break?
00:56:31 Someone who doesn't give a shit about weddings.
00:56:34 I'm booked.
00:56:35 [phone buzzes]
00:56:40 It's not a holiday.
00:56:41 Why are you calling me?
00:56:42 OK, it's an emergency, all right?
00:56:44 If you don't help me, York and Liz
00:56:45 are going to get a gift card for their wedding present.
00:56:48 What do you think about this?
00:56:52 Hideous and wrong.
00:56:53 Look, I think the Pottery Barn pillow sham
00:56:56 are still a deal.
00:56:57 Guys don't get other guys' shams.
00:56:59 It's mostly for Liz.
00:57:01 I suppose you're right.
00:57:02 Look, you know, I was thinking,
00:57:04 and honestly, I was not expecting to be invited.
00:57:08 So I don't really know the protocol here.
00:57:12 You know, it's a wedding, but--
00:57:14 But also a holiday.
00:57:15 Yeah, I had the same thought.
00:57:18 Oh, you did?
00:57:20 That's great.
00:57:22 It is?
00:57:23 Oh, well, I'm so relieved.
00:57:26 Me too.
00:57:27 So then we'll just--
00:57:28 So then we'll bring dates.
00:57:30 Dates?
00:57:32 Well, yeah, dates, right?
00:57:36 Yeah, dates.
00:57:39 Other people.
00:57:40 Perfect.
00:57:41 [music playing]
00:57:45 Attention, attention, gather round.
00:57:51 I've got something I need to say.
00:57:53 All right, first off, Liz's parents.
00:57:56 Should I say mom and dad, thank you
00:57:58 for this freaking awesome wedding.
00:58:00 Most importantly, to my beautiful bride and Lady Fate.
00:58:05 If I hadn't taken the wrong L train that day,
00:58:08 we never would have met.
00:58:10 But we met at a party.
00:58:12 I love you, baby.
00:58:13 Cheers.
00:58:14 Cheers.
00:58:17 To us.
00:58:18 We did it.
00:58:19 I cannot believe he brought her to the wedding.
00:58:26 I mean, they hardly know each other.
00:58:28 I mean, admit it.
00:58:29 It's weird.
00:58:30 You have to admit it.
00:58:31 I don't-- they're both single and sexy.
00:58:34 It's not that weird.
00:58:35 She's family, and he's a friend.
00:58:39 [laughter]
00:58:42 Stop.
00:58:43 [laughter]
00:58:46 It's really weird, because Sloane
00:58:48 gets queasy at the sight of blood nesses with the doctor.
00:58:52 He sure scrubs up nice.
00:58:54 You think he's handsome?
00:58:55 Oh, face, eight, hands, 10.
00:59:01 For a woman, it's all about the hands.
00:59:04 Yeah.
00:59:09 Look.
00:59:12 Hm.
00:59:13 Yeah, I know, I know.
00:59:14 Yeah, hey.
00:59:15 They're probably just friends.
00:59:16 She's being friendly, right?
00:59:18 [whimpers]
00:59:23 Whatever.
00:59:24 You know, I don't even care.
00:59:28 [laughter]
00:59:29 [laughs]
00:59:31 Nope.
00:59:36 I don't feel a thing.
00:59:37 Completely numb.
00:59:43 I'm going to get us another drink.
00:59:45 Oh, Elaine, congratulations.
00:59:47 Well, thank you.
00:59:48 Finally, you can get yourself another holiday
00:59:51 my daughter's taken by a doctor.
00:59:55 [music playing]
00:59:57 [crowd chatter]
01:00:00 Champagne.
01:00:07 Nice wedding.
01:00:09 Beautiful.
01:00:10 Have fun.
01:00:15 Are you going to sleep with him?
01:00:17 I don't know.
01:00:19 I thought we might get through to desserts first.
01:00:21 So you made it?
01:00:23 That's none of your business.
01:00:25 We're related.
01:00:26 It's my business.
01:00:27 Are you going to sleep with the doc?
01:00:29 Hm.
01:00:30 The man saved your finger.
01:00:31 It's the least I could do.
01:00:32 He botched the job.
01:00:33 I still can't flip a full bird.
01:00:35 Lucky for you, Aunt Susan's eyes aren't what they used to be.
01:00:38 You said it wasn't so bad.
01:00:40 I was being nice.
01:00:41 Oh, yeah, well, don't do me any favors.
01:00:43 You know what?
01:00:44 Ditto.
01:00:45 In fact, maybe we should just rethink
01:00:47 this whole holiday thing.
01:00:48 Maybe we should.
01:00:49 Great.
01:00:50 Great.
01:00:51 Awesome.
01:00:52 Fantastic.
01:00:53 And now, for the moment we've all been waiting for.
01:00:57 [speaking chinese]
01:01:01 The father-daughter dance.
01:01:03 [speaking chinese]
01:01:05 [music playing]
01:01:09 What is going on?
01:01:10 Do they know what this song is about?
01:01:12 [music playing]
01:01:15 Wait, isn't that for Dad?
01:01:16 Holy shit.
01:01:17 This is so appropriate.
01:01:19 This is just wrong.
01:01:24 Are you serious?
01:01:26 It's not going to look good on the video.
01:01:29 Someone needs to tell them.
01:01:30 Oh, weird.
01:01:31 Daddy love.
01:01:32 Very sweet.
01:01:34 No, not us.
01:01:35 Oh, my gosh.
01:01:36 [music playing]
01:01:39 It's a beautiful wedding, sir.
01:01:41 [music playing]
01:01:44 You're welcome.
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01:35:49 [applause]
01:35:52 That space was cockamamie.
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