Colin Josh delivers remarks at the White House Correspondents' Dinner.
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NewsTranscript
00:00 (audience applauding)
00:03 - Thank you everyone, hello.
00:07 That was hard hitting journalism you saw in the owl.
00:12 I didn't know you were gonna show photos of me
00:15 from high school.
00:16 Yeah, it's not really fair.
00:20 You can't do it for President Biden
00:22 because the technology wasn't invented
00:24 when he was in high school.
00:25 (audience laughing)
00:26 It's not really fair.
00:28 (audience laughing)
00:31 Good evening everyone, I'm Colin Jost
00:35 and I'll be delivering the Republican response.
00:38 (audience laughing)
00:41 I'll be honest with you, I don't have a lot of time.
00:44 I need to get back to New York
00:46 because I'm juror number five on a big trial.
00:49 Trump's lawyer took one look at me and he's like,
00:53 "He's gotta be on our side."
00:55 (audience laughing)
00:58 Thank you Kelly for that very kind introduction.
01:08 Mr. President, Dr. Biden, Vice President Harris, Doug.
01:13 (audience laughing)
01:16 Doug, as you can tell from all the comments about my wife,
01:25 I'm also used to being the second gentleman.
01:27 (audience laughing)
01:30 And I am honored to be here hosting what is,
01:40 according to Swing State Polls,
01:42 the final White House Correspondents' Dinner.
01:45 (audience laughing)
01:52 I hope that tonight will be a night to remember
01:55 for most of us.
01:58 (audience laughing)
02:01 I was excited to be up here on stage
02:09 with President Biden tonight,
02:11 mostly to see if I could figure out
02:12 where Obama was pulling the strings from.
02:15 (audience laughing)
02:22 I have to admit, it's not easy following President Biden.
02:25 I mean, it's not always easy following what he's saying.
02:28 (audience laughing)
02:31 But before I begin tonight,
02:40 can we just acknowledge how refreshing it is
02:42 to see a President of the United States at an event
02:45 that doesn't begin with a bailiff saying, "All rise."
02:48 (audience laughing)
02:51 And I would like to point out,
02:58 it's after 10 p.m., Sleepy Joe is still awake,
03:02 while Donald Trump has spent the past week
03:07 falling asleep in court every morning,
03:09 though Fox News said he was just being anti-woke.
03:14 (audience laughing)
03:17 (audience laughing)
03:20 We are all here tonight at Nerd Prom.
03:27 (audience cheering)
03:29 Well, Matt Gaetz is at regular prom, but--
03:32 (audience laughing)
03:35 I actually thought I saw Matt Gaetz here tonight,
03:42 but it was actually just my own reflection in a spoon.
03:44 (audience laughing)
03:47 Like many of you here tonight, I pretend to do news on TV.
03:58 (audience laughing)
04:01 My weekend update co-anchor, Michael Che,
04:08 was going to join me here tonight,
04:10 but in solidarity with President Biden,
04:12 I decided to lose all my black support.
04:15 (audience laughing)
04:18 Che told me to say that,
04:25 and I'm just realizing I was set up.
04:27 (audience laughing)
04:30 I've done a weekend update for a while now,
04:38 but most people don't know
04:40 that I started out doing the actual news.
04:42 My first job out of college was as a reporter
04:45 for the Staten Island Advance newspaper.
04:48 (audience cheering)
04:51 They do not have a table here tonight.
04:54 (audience laughing)
04:56 But they asked me to pass along this message
04:59 to the other print journalists in the room.
05:01 You think you're better than me?
05:03 (audience laughing)
05:06 By the way, I want to point out,
05:12 when I worked at the Staten Island Advance,
05:13 we had a daily circulation of 100,000.
05:17 The Washington Post would kill for that.
05:19 (audience laughing)
05:22 So as a former aspiring journalist,
05:27 I want to genuinely congratulate
05:30 all the award winners here tonight.
05:33 Congratulations.
05:34 (audience applauding)
05:37 The Correspondents Association provides scholarships
05:41 to promising young journalism students
05:43 who may one day be sent off
05:45 to cover dangerous geopolitical hotspots
05:48 like Columbia University.
05:49 (audience laughing)
05:52 Tonight, this event is being televised live on C-SPAN.
06:01 (audience cheering)
06:04 And if you're at home watching C-SPAN on a Saturday night,
06:10 I hope they find your body soon.
06:12 (audience laughing)
06:15 Before your cats get to it.
06:19 (audience laughing)
06:22 There are so many incredible news organizations here tonight.
06:29 Also a few credible ones.
06:31 (audience laughing)
06:34 The Washington Post is here, Washington Post.
06:38 (audience applauding)
06:40 They were the ones taking your coats at the door.
06:43 Please be sure to tip.
06:45 (audience laughing)
06:48 Fox News is here tonight.
06:53 It's the end of an era.
06:57 Rupert Murdoch stepped down at Fox News, which is strange.
07:01 I didn't think there was a step down from Fox News.
07:04 (audience laughing)
07:07 (audience laughing)
07:10 Trump Media is here, Trump Media.
07:14 Not at a table, just screaming loudly
07:16 in the corner to no one.
07:18 (audience laughing)
07:21 Wordle is here tonight.
07:22 (audience laughing)
07:23 Sorry, sorry, I meant the New York Times.
07:26 (audience laughing)
07:29 I forgot they do stuff in addition to puzzles.
07:32 (audience laughing)
07:35 I have to say, it's not a great sign
07:37 when the only thing keeping a print media company alive
07:40 are games people play on their phones.
07:42 (audience laughing)
07:45 Too chilling for you guys?
07:47 (audience laughing)
07:49 Room just froze faster than Mitch McConnell.
07:51 (audience laughing)
07:54 And I have to say apologies to the Times,
07:58 but as a Staten Islander,
08:00 I still get all my news from the New York Post.
08:02 (audience cheering)
08:04 Thank you.
08:05 The only paper where the front page
08:07 always has the same 200 point font,
08:11 whether the headline is World War III to Start Tomorrow
08:15 or Central Park Owl Dead in Building Collision.
08:18 (audience laughing)
08:21 The New York Post is like having the New York Times
08:27 summarized for you by a crackhead.
08:29 (audience laughing)
08:35 The Times will say a border deal
08:37 continues to evade Congress,
08:39 and the Post is like, these Mexicans are taking my stuff.
08:42 (audience laughing)
08:45 There are so many incredible individuals here tonight.
08:56 Laura Trump is here tonight.
08:58 - Woo!
08:59 - Okay, I got one woo.
09:00 (audience laughing)
09:02 She recently released a cover of the song
09:04 I Won't Back Down.
09:06 Upon hearing it, Tom Petty died again.
09:08 (audience laughing)
09:11 I can't believe I'm saying this
09:14 to a member of the Trump family,
09:16 but maybe stick to politics?
09:18 (audience laughing)
09:21 Senator Bernie Sanders is here.
09:28 (audience cheering)
09:30 Because he's not the type to pass up a free hot meal.
09:33 (audience laughing)
09:36 And in general, there are so many hardworking,
09:41 influential senators and congresspeople here tonight,
09:44 and I just wanna say, on behalf of everyone I know,
09:47 stop emailing us.
09:50 (audience laughing)
09:53 Stop it.
09:55 We get it, democracy is on the line,
10:00 and your plan to save it is to flood our inboxes
10:03 like your crate and barrel.
10:05 (audience laughing)
10:08 It's also wonderful to be back in Washington.
10:12 I love being in Washington.
10:14 The last time I was in D.C.,
10:15 I left my cocaine at the White House.
10:17 (audience laughing)
10:21 Luckily, the president was able to put it to good use
10:23 for his State of the Union.
10:24 (audience laughing)
10:27 (audience cheering)
10:30 I'm kidding, of course, the president doesn't call it cocaine
10:36 he calls it high-speed rail.
10:37 (audience laughing)
10:40 By the way, can you blame the guy for turning to cocaine?
10:47 He must be exhausted,
10:49 orchestrating four separate trials against his rival,
10:52 rigging the Super Bowl,
10:54 and gearing up to steal a second election.
10:57 Wow.
10:58 (audience laughing)
11:01 Biden laughed.
11:05 I love, by the way, that Trump's two attacks
11:09 on President Biden are that he's a senile old man
11:13 and a criminal mastermind.
11:15 (audience laughing)
11:18 I'm like, I think you gotta pick one.
11:20 Personally, I don't know any criminal masterminds
11:24 who bike to get ice cream.
11:26 (audience laughing)
11:29 Also, it's not like Trump himself is young and sharp.
11:37 I'm not saying both candidates are old,
11:40 but you know Jimmy Carter is out there thinking,
11:43 "I could maybe win this thing."
11:44 (audience laughing)
11:47 He's only 99.
11:55 (audience laughing)
11:58 There is an election.
12:02 There's an election six extremely long months from now.
12:06 So let me see if I can summarize
12:08 where this race stands at this moment.
12:11 The Republican candidate for president
12:13 owes half a billion in fines for bank fraud,
12:17 and is currently spending his days farting himself awake
12:21 during a porn star hush money trial,
12:25 and the race is tied?
12:27 (audience laughing)
12:30 The race is tied.
12:36 Nothing makes sense anymore.
12:41 The candidate who is a famous New York City playboy
12:45 took abortion rights away,
12:47 and the guy who's trying to give you your abortion rights
12:50 back is an 80-year-old Catholic.
12:52 How does that make sense?
12:53 (audience laughing)
12:56 By the way, President Biden,
13:05 isn't it crazy that he's only our second Catholic president?
13:08 And what's even crazier is that in just a few short months,
13:11 we'll have our third in RFK Jr.
13:14 (audience laughing)
13:17 I'm kidding.
13:20 Like his vaccine card says, he doesn't have a shot.
13:23 (audience laughing)
13:26 Everything feels strange now.
13:32 By a lot of measures,
13:33 President Biden is having a very successful first term,
13:36 but people don't seem to realize it.
13:39 Like with the economy,
13:40 the vibes are bad, but the numbers say it's strong.
13:44 The economy is kind of like you
13:46 on the steps of Air Force One.
13:48 (audience laughing)
13:51 It feels like it's stumbling,
13:54 but there is somehow upward progress.
13:57 (audience laughing)
14:00 I do think that you can do more on the economy, sir.
14:05 I really do.
14:06 For example, have you considered eliminating
14:08 the national debt by shorting Trump stock?
14:11 (audience laughing)
14:14 (audience laughing)
14:17 People keep asking if our lives are better
14:24 than they were four years ago.
14:26 Of course they are.
14:28 Four years ago, we didn't have online sports gambling.
14:31 What more do you need?
14:35 By the way, that's probably what's keeping
14:38 the economy afloat, online gambling and Taylor Swift.
14:41 Without those, we'd be in a recession right now.
14:43 (audience laughing)
14:46 The problem is people are always going to compare
14:50 your first term to Obama's,
14:52 but I think there are actually a lot of positive similarities.
14:56 You both made big strides in healthcare.
14:59 Obama got us out of a recession.
15:01 You got us out of a pandemic.
15:03 Obama got Bin Laden.
15:05 You got OJ.
15:07 (audience laughing)
15:11 (audience laughing)
15:14 And by the way, now that OJ's dead,
15:18 who is the new front runner for Trump's VP?
15:20 Is it Diddy?
15:23 By the way, I bet if Trump did select Diddy
15:29 as his running mate, I bet this race would still be tied.
15:38 I think even some Democrats say that they are underwhelmed,
15:42 but I think they're just not living in reality.
15:44 Manage your expectations, people.
15:47 It's like tonight.
15:48 Sure, we all wish we were at the Waldorf right now,
15:52 but we're at the Washington Hilton.
15:55 (audience laughing)
15:58 And we have to make the best of it.
16:00 Just be happy you're not at the airport, Hilton.
16:05 (audience laughing)
16:08 Journalists, these are challenging times,
16:14 and we need the people in this room
16:17 to help guide us through it.
16:18 Your jobs are not easy, and it doesn't help
16:20 that we're living at the end of traditional media.
16:23 The gatekeepers are gone.
16:25 Did you know that 90% of people now get their news
16:28 exclusively from social media?
16:30 And that must be true,
16:31 because I saw it in a random guy's TikTok.
16:34 (audience laughing)
16:36 He was recording the video while driving a Toyota Corolla,
16:40 but he seemed to know his stuff.
16:41 Isn't it crazy, by the way, that TikTok could be outlawed
16:48 in the US by the end of this year?
16:49 That's a real shame, because we're gonna need TikTok
16:52 to document who is storming the Capitol next January 6th.
17:01 (audience laughing)
17:04 Things are not bad for everyone, though.
17:07 This may be the worst time in history
17:09 to be a print journalist.
17:11 It is the best time in history
17:12 to be a courtroom sketch artist.
17:15 My God, the most famous man on Earth is on trial,
17:21 and there's no cameras allowed.
17:23 Just the artists, their pastels,
17:26 and their desire to make Trump look as bad as possible.
17:32 Every sketch of Trump looks like
17:34 the Grinch had sex with the Lorax.
17:36 In closing,
17:47 I would really like to take a moment
17:54 to recognize all the print journalists in this room.
17:57 Your words speak truth to power.
18:00 Your words bring light to the darkness.
18:03 And most importantly, your words train the AI programs
18:07 that will soon replace you.
18:08 And finally, I wanted to thank my family,
18:18 and I wanted to thank my friends
18:19 for being here tonight to support me.
18:22 I wanna thank my wife for enduring lots of jokes,
18:27 and for agreeing to individually meet everyone in this room
18:32 right after the ceremony.
18:33 That's really special, honey, thank you.
18:41 Don't be shy, come right up.
18:44 She hates privacy.
18:56 And with my family in mind,
18:59 I wanted to share one last thing with you before I go,
19:03 and I wanted to share one thing with you, Mr. President,
19:05 before I go.
19:06 I lost my grandfather this year,
19:09 as you alluded to, a firefighter, William Kelly.
19:13 He's the reason that our son's middle name is William.
19:17 He helped raise me growing up,
19:21 and I would not be here today without him.
19:24 My grandpa was a firefighter on Staten Island for 40 years.
19:28 To make extra money for his family,
19:30 he was a substitute teacher, and he painted houses.
19:33 And since it's Staten Island, I should point out,
19:37 it's not like the Scorsese Irishman painting houses.
19:40 He was not a mafia hitman, he actually painted houses.
19:49 The FBI is here, I don't wanna start a whole thing.
19:53 (audience laughing)
19:57 My grandfather was another rare Irishman who didn't drink,
20:01 because he lost his father and his brother to alcoholism.
20:05 And I swear, Mr. President, this is not an age comparison.
20:11 You remind me of him.
20:12 Some of your best qualities remind me of his.
20:18 And I will say, he was 95, and he was still great at stairs.
20:23 (audience laughing)
20:26 I think it's because he didn't try to run up them.
20:31 (audience laughing)
20:34 But the reason that I bring up my grandfather,
20:44 and I don't know if you know, Mr. President,
20:46 but Staten Island firefighters
20:48 are not normally your demographic.
20:52 Staten Island voted about 70% for Trump in the last election
20:56 and the other 30% was for Giuliani.
20:58 But Staten Island also sided with the British
21:06 during the Revolutionary War,
21:08 so we're not always on the right side of history.
21:12 You remember.
21:15 (audience laughing)
21:18 But my grandfather, a Staten Island firefighter,
21:29 voted for you, Mr. President.
21:31 (audience applauding)
21:35 He voted for you in the last election
21:39 that he ever voted in.
21:40 I mean, I'm sure someone else will vote twice
21:44 in this election using his name,
21:46 but that's just how the Democratic machine works.
21:49 He voted for you, and the reason that he voted for you
21:58 is because you're a decent man.
22:00 (audience applauding)
22:05 My grandpa voted for decency,
22:10 and decency is why we're all here tonight.
22:13 Decency is how we're able to be here tonight.
22:17 (audience applauding)
22:22 Decency is how we're able to make jokes about each other
22:29 and one of us doesn't go to prison after.
22:31 We go to the Newsmax after party.
22:35 And when you look at the levels
22:43 of freedom throughout history
22:44 and even around the world today, this is the exception.
22:48 This freedom is incredibly rare,
22:51 and the journalists in this room
22:53 help protect that freedom,
22:54 and we cannot ever take that for granted.
22:57 (audience applauding)
23:01 So, Mr. President, I thank you for your decency
23:08 on behalf of my grandfather,
23:09 and I thank all of you, almost all of you,
23:13 (audience laughing)
23:13 for your decency as well.
23:15 I am very honored and grateful
23:19 that you invited me here tonight.
23:20 Thank you and good night.
23:22 (audience applauding)
23:25 - Thank you, Colin, and all of our speakers tonight,
23:38 especially you, Mr. President.
23:40 Thanks again to our executive producer, Bob Bain, and his excellent team.