Watch 2001 (2001) Full Movie For Free
Transcript
00:00:00 [Music]
00:00:26 It began as a singularity. The entire universe compressed into a space the size of a proton.
00:00:34 Then, the Big Bang.
00:00:36 [Explosion]
00:00:41 Matter converted from energy, swirled and compressed itself into stars.
00:00:47 Red giants and tiny white dwarfs.
00:00:54 Stars congealed into galaxies. Massive nebulae and timeless spiral clusters spinning faster and faster into the endless void.
00:01:07 Black holes arose, swallowing matter.
00:01:13 Constellations filled the night sky. Libra, Sagittarius, Stifficus.
00:01:26 Planets took form.
00:01:29 Moons arose.
00:01:34 Atoms formed molecules. Then, molecules formed life throughout the universe. Alien creatures hideous in form.
00:01:54 The Earth took form. Then, God appeared and God's voice was heard.
00:02:04 Shut up, you stupid monkey.
00:02:09 And then, a single-celled organism evolved on Earth into the highest form of intellect known to God.
00:02:21 Man.
00:02:28 It was one of those days you never forget. I'd arrested Osmond Bin Laden at a Lakers Knicks game.
00:02:33 Now, I was back in D.C. on the QT making my way ASAP to HQ when I heard the APB.
00:02:39 All available units to Big Joe's hostage situation on no number of armed terrorists.
00:02:44 The Washington PD needed my expert negotiating skills. Perfected by years of volunteer service with the Pet Rescue Division.
00:02:51 Coaxing cats out of trees and gerbils out of holes made you smart about a lot of things.
00:02:56 I'm not ordering food. I'm ordering you to give yourselves up. And I'm ordering one car for seven people to go and one plane.
00:03:23 One plane what?
00:03:27 I want those hostages now!
00:03:30 What the f-
00:03:31 Those hostages were my new gerbils and they needed Marshal Dick Dix to get them out.
00:03:48 Marshal Dix! This is police business! You have no jurisdiction here! Now get lost!
00:04:11 Alright!
00:04:18 Let's play a little game of Simon Says. Good.
00:04:23 Simon Says, get your hands over your head and line up in front of me here. Hurry it up!
00:04:31 Let's go.
00:04:33 What are you, a bunch of fanatics? You hate this country? You're mad just because we don't play soccer here?
00:04:39 Mr. Simon, we're the hostages.
00:04:43 What do you think you're talking to, a dummy? These hard-working immigrants are the backbone of this country.
00:04:48 They take jobs that nobody else takes. They're the ones who put the dam on the Hoover.
00:04:52 The ones who put the railroad ties over the Great Divide. And they did it with a smile.
00:04:57 They weren't mad at anybody.
00:05:00 Oh, no, no. Lower yourself to their level. I'll take care of this. Say to it they get a fair trial and I will string them up.
00:05:15 Fire the tear gas!
00:05:29 I'm going to kill you.
00:05:31 There he is! There he is!
00:05:33 Marthix!
00:05:35 Let's get one thing clear here. This situation was not created by the police. It was created by people who are getting in the way of the police.
00:05:42 Police are not here to create disorder. The police are here to protect disorder.
00:05:51 You come back here!
00:05:57 There's nothing better than a job well done and delicately handled.
00:06:01 Now it was time to meet the big boss, Secretary Osgood.
00:06:05 I loved my job. Every day was different. Every assignment was different.
00:06:09 Everything about the department was different.
00:06:19 Enough, enough. Stop. Stop!
00:06:21 How you hanging, Dix?
00:06:35 To the untrained eye, this place looked like the normal bullpen of any old precinct.
00:06:39 But hidden deep within the bowels of this building, grave matters of state were at play.
00:06:46 Dix.
00:06:48 Good to see you, my boy.
00:06:51 Good to see you, Mr. Secretary.
00:06:52 This is Cassandra Minage, Executive Officer on Vagan.
00:06:55 Hi. How do you do?
00:06:57 Good, hi.
00:06:58 Miss Minage is in charge of human and alien affairs.
00:07:00 Some kind of dating service?
00:07:02 No. She oversees our sensitive alien operations.
00:07:05 Oh, well, there's nothing sensitive about them. You just need more men to tighten up the border patrols.
00:07:09 Dix, I'm talking about alien aliens.
00:07:12 Alien, alien. You mean like the ones from outer space?
00:07:16 Vagan is a lunar base, just like Area 51, but shielded from Earth by a reflective bubble.
00:07:20 And there are plenty of aliens there.
00:07:22 Cassandra files classified reports to the various international governments involved in the project, ours included.
00:07:28 This latest one, she's delivered in person.
00:07:30 If what she says is true, the future of our planet is at stake.
00:07:33 Well, that could be serious.
00:07:34 Now, I know it smells funny, but the President of the United States has been kidnapped and is being held captive on Vagan.
00:07:40 The man in the White House is a clone.
00:07:42 Just a minute. It says here that the man in the White House is a clown.
00:07:46 Clone?
00:07:48 Clone, that's what it says here.
00:07:52 Yeah, I know. That's my report.
00:07:54 This isn't a joke, Dix.
00:07:56 Well, I know that, sir. It's just that I saw the President on television the other night.
00:08:00 That wasn't the President.
00:08:02 She's right. We're all set up for memory recaptain.
00:08:04 Have a seat, Marshal.
00:08:08 Cassandra, your brainwaves will be transmitted to the screen, so we'll be able to see exactly what you saw and heard.
00:08:14 When you're ready, I want you to tell us what happened.
00:08:17 Let's close your eyes.
00:08:19 Relax.
00:08:21 Let your unconscious take over.
00:08:23 Let your mind go blank.
00:08:25 Dix?
00:08:30 Dix!
00:08:33 You need to watch the screen.
00:08:36 [Birds chirping]
00:08:38 I'd gone to the Vaguen Mines to investigate a grievance by one of the miners.
00:08:45 After a lot of turns and twists, I realized I was completely lost.
00:08:49 My way was blocked by a cave-in.
00:08:51 Then I noticed light coming through a crack in the wall.
00:08:54 I moved forward and found myself in a room overlooking some kind of an operating theater.
00:08:59 [Children shouting]
00:09:03 A man was talking in an alien dialect, so I switched the auto-trans to English to see if I could recognize his voice, but I couldn't.
00:09:09 I will get that silicon for you if you make me leader of the new world.
00:09:14 By using DNA building blocks, I will create clones of existing world leaders who will follow our orders.
00:09:24 Activate the cloning machine!
00:09:29 [Squealing]
00:09:33 And now for our latest clone creation.
00:09:36 A world leader admired by all.
00:09:40 [Screaming]
00:09:43 There he was. Groucho Marx.
00:09:46 But what happened next was more frightening still.
00:09:49 In Washington, the man in power, the President, is a clone. Our clone.
00:09:54 Now, let me introduce you to his predecessor, the real President of the United States.
00:10:01 [Screaming]
00:10:03 Now with our clone in control, we will take your Earth and all its silicon too.
00:10:09 Then it's hasta la vista!
00:10:11 [Laughing]
00:10:14 [Speaking in Spanish]
00:10:16 And that's when I ran as fast as I could.
00:10:19 They took the President, took his DNA, and put an imposter in the White House.
00:10:23 Kidnapping, robbery, and fraud. That's what I call breaking the law.
00:10:27 Dicks, I want you to go to Vegan to make a routine inspection.
00:10:30 I'll arrange the clearances.
00:10:32 If the President is there, find him, bring him back.
00:10:35 Remember, the implications here are very grave.
00:10:38 Any mistakes, even fumbles, will be denied at this end.
00:10:42 As far as we're concerned, you're acting on your own.
00:10:44 And when you and Miss Minaj meet again on Vegan, you've never seen each other before.
00:10:49 Is that clear?
00:10:50 I've forgotten already.
00:10:52 It'll take me a little longer than that.
00:10:54 That's so nice.
00:10:55 Oh, thank you.
00:10:56 Always had a good memory, even as a boy.
00:11:00 Um, well, Marshal?
00:11:02 Miss, uh, Minaj.
00:11:03 Minaj.
00:11:04 Yeah.
00:11:05 Congratulations, Miss Minaj.
00:11:09 Hmm.
00:11:10 Thank you.
00:11:11 Richard, if you don't stop pulling your things, you're gonna go blind!
00:11:20 But I like pulling on it, Mom!
00:11:23 Mrs. Dicks, your son is rapidly losing his sight.
00:11:27 And we don't know why.
00:11:29 Mom, meet my new girlfriend.
00:11:33 Richard, you gotta wear your glasses.
00:11:36 Have the utmost faith in you, Marshal Dicks.
00:11:42 Have a good flight.
00:11:44 Thank you, Mr. Secretary.
00:11:45 I think this must be broken.
00:11:47 I didn't have a lot of time.
00:11:54 I had to catch a plane to Cape Kennedy, then the shuttle to Bagan,
00:11:57 and avoid any pressing delays.
00:12:21 The department was gonna have to dive in at the deep end,
00:12:24 because I was headed for the moon to maybe rescue the President of the United States.
00:12:29 [explosion]
00:12:32 [explosion]
00:12:35 [explosion]
00:12:38 [explosion]
00:12:41 [music]
00:12:43 [music]
00:12:45 [music]
00:12:47 [music]
00:12:54 [music]
00:13:07 [music]
00:13:09 [music]
00:13:24 [music]
00:13:30 [music]
00:13:32 [music]
00:13:40 [music]
00:13:58 [music]
00:14:00 [music]
00:14:07 [music]
00:14:12 [music]
00:14:24 [music]
00:14:26 Artificial gravity enabled.
00:14:31 Warning, artificial gravity may cause hallucinations.
00:14:35 [music]
00:14:38 [screaming]
00:14:52 [screaming]
00:14:54 [music]
00:15:02 [explosion]
00:15:16 [music]
00:15:18 Warning, artificial gravity off.
00:15:33 Please remember to lower the seat.
00:15:39 [explosion]
00:15:46 [music]
00:15:48 [music]
00:15:54 [music]
00:16:01 [music]
00:16:07 [music]
00:16:12 [music]
00:16:14 This should help me up. I've got to get back to my ship.
00:16:29 Scotty, Bones, this is Mike.
00:16:32 [chatter]
00:16:35 [chatter]
00:16:37 Secretary Osgood was right when he told me there were plenty of aliens on Zvegan.
00:16:48 He'd forgotten to tell me how butt-ugly they were.
00:16:51 They were ugly from any direction.
00:16:59 The rules. Smuggling or assisting any alien back to Earth means immediate imprisonment.
00:17:04 Open your bag, please.
00:17:05 Yo, is that Marshal Dix? Everything's all right.
00:17:07 Peace Police, Intensive Suit, Vegan Security, Miss Wick.
00:17:10 Miss who?
00:17:11 Miss Wick. MSWIC. I'm the mother sucker who's in charge.
00:17:15 Is this your bag?
00:17:17 I'm writing a book.
00:17:19 Welcome to Vegan Marshal Dix. That's right, isn't it, Dix?
00:17:22 As in more than one dick?
00:17:25 It's good to be someplace where you can do what you're telling to.
00:17:29 Attention, attention. Sensors have detected an alien hiding in a human life form.
00:17:34 This is strictly forbidden. Repeat, this is strictly forbidden.
00:17:38 [shouting]
00:17:40 What's going on?
00:17:45 That fool's a conversion.
00:17:46 Do you need holy water for that?
00:17:48 Let me explain it to you like this. When these brothers first came here,
00:17:50 they didn't know about their plans to use conversions to take over the Earth.
00:17:53 Okay, men.
00:17:54 Lucky for us, all their asses were saved through the sounds of our modern life.
00:17:56 Stuff like arcade TV, rap, hip-hop, all that irritating shit.
00:17:59 Suck him up. Suck him up.
00:18:01 The hype it sounds makes these suckers explode.
00:18:03 Close the leak.
00:18:10 Baboon!
00:18:12 Everybody all right?
00:18:17 I'm good.
00:18:19 I'm good.
00:18:22 [speaking Italian]
00:18:24 I don't speak alien.
00:18:29 Alien? You ain't kicking no alien job, asslingo.
00:18:31 He's just keeping it real. He's trying to show you some love, not mean.
00:18:34 [speaking Italian]
00:18:36 Pickle what?
00:18:39 No disrespect, but you all up in this ice cream, you know the flavor.
00:18:42 What do you think? That I don't speak plain English?
00:18:44 Please, my father was from Broccolino.
00:18:46 What's your year?
00:18:47 You know, man, did years in Vegas, babe.
00:18:49 Who can take the sun? Yeah.
00:18:51 Right back, babe.
00:18:53 That guy's right. Yeah.
00:18:55 [speaking Italian]
00:18:57 This way.
00:19:00 [crowd cheering]
00:19:02 What are we doing at Austin?
00:19:17 Operation Research Director Dr. Pratt is standing by to show you around.
00:19:23 Base commander couldn't be here. Sorry, he said, but he's out playing golf.
00:19:27 Sir. Everything is okay?
00:19:29 Yes, sir. Good. That means that nothing works.
00:19:31 But he did ask me to escort you to a reception here tonight.
00:19:35 Get me one strunzo alien less.
00:19:42 Dr. Pratt?
00:19:48 Dr. Pratt?
00:19:53 Yes, lieutenant?
00:19:54 Oh, you scared me again. You got me.
00:19:57 You keep getting me each time, I tell you.
00:19:59 This is Marshal Dix?
00:20:02 Yes. Right on time.
00:20:04 I'll never understand these inspections.
00:20:06 What are we looking for this time?
00:20:08 Routine.
00:20:10 Perhaps you may be interested in seeing my piece de resistance.
00:20:15 Piece of what?
00:20:17 My scale replica of the entire complex.
00:20:20 That is, the entrance to the mines, the administration complex, the spaceport, all the details.
00:20:26 Now, we are here.
00:20:29 No, no, no, no, no. Don't touch.
00:20:32 It's very delicate.
00:20:35 Doctor, the next time you're on Earth, I'll show you the Piper Cub model plane that I made.
00:20:39 I'd certainly look forward to that.
00:20:41 This you report, Dr. Pratt.
00:20:49 Gentlemen, my assistant, Yetta Pussell.
00:20:52 Gentlemen.
00:20:54 I took the libsy of requesting a copy of the last routine inspection you people made.
00:20:58 Follow me.
00:21:00 Now, all our research is carried out here.
00:21:04 Our study of silicon, for example.
00:21:06 Abundant on Earth, non-existent on many other planets.
00:21:09 For most aliens, it's life-supporting, like food is to us.
00:21:15 Hence our ongoing conflict with them and our tight security here.
00:21:19 In which we've been on the old...
00:21:20 Johnson.
00:21:21 Johnson? President Johnson?
00:21:23 There are no presidents on Beacon, Marshal.
00:21:25 I'm afraid we're being battered by a mistaken sense of humor.
00:21:29 All right, Mamma here, Mayor Marshal Day.
00:21:31 Okay.
00:21:32 Dr. Uschi Kunstler, senior base science officer.
00:21:36 Doctor?
00:21:38 Yes. Of psychology, parapsychology, and solar proctology.
00:21:42 I also supervise genetic replication.
00:21:45 Clones?
00:21:48 Are those clowns?
00:21:50 No, just plain old-fashioned rabbits.
00:21:53 But we've made major advances with sheep.
00:21:55 Molly, for instance, was created only yesterday.
00:21:57 The exact age and likeness of Dolly, her mother-in-law.
00:22:01 Can you do that with human beings?
00:22:03 No, that's not allowed.
00:22:04 It's strictly against international policy.
00:22:06 I should hope so. It's against my policy, too.
00:22:09 I was in the Marines.
00:22:11 Oh.
00:22:12 Now, uh...
00:22:13 Careful, that's the rapid cloning switch.
00:22:16 You temper with that and we'd be overrun with all kinds of animals.
00:22:20 We've arranged for our officer of human-alien affairs, Cassandra Menard, to meet you in your quarters.
00:22:26 I'm headed in that direction. Maybe the Marshal and I could go down together.
00:22:30 (Groaning)
00:22:32 I've just met him.
00:22:50 Yes. From what I can see, he'll be absolutely fine.
00:22:55 (Beeping)
00:22:56 Turbo power initiating.
00:23:23 Welcome to Vayan, Marshal Dix.
00:23:26 Glad to be here.
00:23:28 Oh. The very person we wanted to see.
00:23:37 This is Marshal Dix.
00:23:39 (Gasping)
00:23:40 (Screaming)
00:23:43 He's...
00:23:46 He's here.
00:23:52 He's here on a routine inspection.
00:23:55 Yes, I can see that.
00:23:57 Menard. Cassandra Menard.
00:24:00 Nice to meet you.
00:24:01 Uh, the Marshal...
00:24:04 The Marshal needs to be accommodated.
00:24:08 Marshal, you can let me down now.
00:24:12 Perhaps you can take care of his needs?
00:24:20 Does he have any needs left to be taken care of?
00:24:23 Well, it was nice meeting you, Marshal Dix.
00:24:31 Thank you. Me too.
00:24:32 Marshal, if you please.
00:24:36 In the space of two hours, I checked into the room I'd be sharing with Captain V. Pasquale,
00:24:41 unpacked my stuff, and then sent Cassandra off to the library
00:24:44 to look for a base construction plan that might lead us to the location of the secret cloning lab.
00:24:49 And now, armed with a dead-on crime artist sketch of the alien I'd seen on Osgood's recapture screen,
00:24:54 I was ready for a little lunar socializing and snooping.
00:24:58 What are you doing?
00:24:59 Well, I'm the escort. I'm keeping tabs on you.
00:25:02 Get your hand out of my pocket.
00:25:04 Go keep tabs on somebody else.
00:25:06 Hey, champagne.
00:25:08 He said he was my twin brother.
00:25:16 Uh, waiter, can I have a J.P., please?
00:25:18 A cocktail with more carbohydrates.
00:25:20 Apparently, some of these aliens learned English by monitoring movies on our TV transmission satellites.
00:25:25 They all sure sounded like Hollywood actors.
00:25:27 Yeah, even in outer space, everyone wants to be a star.
00:25:31 I think I've seen the alien that was in the caves.
00:25:33 Yes, me too.
00:25:34 And Maria.
00:25:37 Oh, who are you wearing?
00:25:39 Two.
00:25:40 Yeah.
00:25:41 Ah, Marshal Dix, there you are.
00:25:44 How do you do?
00:25:45 Commander Sir Cecil Humphrey Wickeduts.
00:25:47 My wife, Una Hodrenlocker Wickeduts.
00:25:50 You're from Washington. I hope you'll put in a good word for us.
00:25:54 What's that?
00:25:55 I found it on the floor.
00:25:57 Ah, it's grub.
00:25:59 No, no, no.
00:26:01 It's prong.
00:26:02 No, no.
00:26:04 Well, you're the same. They all look alike.
00:26:06 We're throwing a party for everyone tomorrow at the club.
00:26:10 Do join us.
00:26:11 Miss Minaj here will be singing too.
00:26:13 What a voice she has. True nightingale.
00:26:17 Thank you.
00:26:18 Miss Minaj, enchanté.
00:26:21 Excuse us, won't you? There's something I'd like you to look at.
00:26:26 Excuse me.
00:26:27 What? Excuse me.
00:26:28 Yeah, well, excuse me too.
00:26:30 So, Marshal Dix, you're going to be my new roommate, eh?
00:26:39 Yeah.
00:26:40 You see, this is a good way to know where your food has been first.
00:26:44 Excuse me.
00:26:56 Yes.
00:26:57 I thought you might like to hear how the alien courtesy center's coming along.
00:27:03 It was your idea, you may remember.
00:27:05 Perhaps you'd like to come and see some of my renderings.
00:27:09 I'd be happy to.
00:27:11 All erections on vegan are rather stamped by me, my dear.
00:27:16 I must keep you busy.
00:27:18 Hey there, you ever done it monkey style?
00:27:31 Hm.
00:27:32 Too bad, it could have been a hairy ride.
00:27:35 Yeah.
00:27:37 Oh my God!
00:27:39 Is that you?
00:27:40 I'm dragging you.
00:27:41 Oh my God!
00:27:42 Do you like the music?
00:27:49 I love the sound of the flute. I play a little myself.
00:27:54 Dr. Pratt, is this yours?
00:28:05 Where did you get that?
00:28:06 It's on the floor.
00:28:08 Thank you.
00:28:15 Come this way.
00:28:18 Sit here, shall we?
00:28:22 Yes, my lad.
00:28:24 Waiter!
00:28:27 Excuse me.
00:28:29 Excuse me, I don't think these false eyelashes become you.
00:28:38 Spoilsport!
00:28:39 Ah, delicious.
00:28:41 Thank you.
00:28:42 Bon appétit.
00:28:44 Merci.
00:28:45 Oh, I'm sorry.
00:28:49 I'm sorry.
00:28:51 I'm sorry.
00:28:53 Bon appétit.
00:28:54 Merci.
00:28:56 Excuse me, Dr. Pratt.
00:28:58 Captain Pasquale is going to take me back to the apartment in a few minutes.
00:29:01 You can reach me there if you need me.
00:29:03 Okay.
00:29:04 Good night.
00:29:05 Good night, dicks.
00:29:07 Excuse me.
00:29:29 Yeah.
00:29:30 Thank you. I thought I'd never get rid of him.
00:29:35 Leave now before he gets back.
00:29:37 Okay. Thanks.
00:29:39 Miss Vanage has gone back to her apartment. She's got a headache.
00:29:46 Really?
00:29:48 That's too bad.
00:29:49 Oh, yeah. It's real bad.
00:29:52 It is important in life to have two boxes.
00:30:02 One for food and one for fun.
00:30:06 As you can see, I'm not only a master of the buffet.
00:30:10 I'm also a master of disguise.
00:30:13 All kinds. Look.
00:30:15 Very good.
00:30:26 Fuck.
00:30:27 Hey.
00:30:34 Hey, what?
00:30:35 Oh, the final touch.
00:30:38 Now, Marshal, you don't gonna believe to your eyes.
00:30:41 Look my special magic makeup.
00:30:44 You like it?
00:30:49 Ah, very good.
00:30:50 I know. I know.
00:30:52 Oh, sorry. Let me unzip your face.
00:30:56 Voila.
00:30:57 The telephone.
00:31:00 Yes?
00:31:03 I'm at Pratt. It's all clear.
00:31:04 I got over there faster than a speeding bullet, if you know what I mean.
00:31:07 If any plans existed on Vega that could lead us to the human cloning lab and the kidnapped president,
00:31:12 I was sure this is where they would be.
00:31:15 My job was to get in, get the plans, and get out.
00:31:21 As quickly and quietly as possible.
00:31:25 Oh.
00:31:27 (Groaning)
00:31:29 (Grunting)
00:31:45 (Grunting)
00:31:47 Cassandra?
00:32:01 Yes?
00:32:02 I'm in.
00:32:03 Roger.
00:32:05 (Clicking)
00:32:07 (Hissing)
00:32:09 (Hissing)
00:32:13 (Hissing)
00:32:15 (Grunting)
00:32:41 It's all clear down here.
00:32:44 (Clicking)
00:32:46 (Clicking)
00:32:48 (Dramatic music)
00:33:01 (Gasping)
00:33:15 (Groaning)
00:33:17 (Groaning)
00:33:30 (Groaning)
00:33:32 (Gunshot)
00:33:35 (Groaning)
00:33:37 (Growling)
00:34:00 (Gunshot)
00:34:01 (Clicking)
00:34:04 (Grunting)
00:34:19 (Grunting)
00:34:27 I saw lights flashing in the office.
00:34:29 And someone was dancing the can-can.
00:34:31 Right.
00:34:32 Let's have a look, shall we?
00:34:34 It's Brad.
00:34:35 I'm coming.
00:34:36 I'm on my way.
00:34:38 (Gunshots)
00:34:42 (Gunshot)
00:34:54 (Gunshot)
00:34:56 (Gunshot)
00:34:58 (Gunshot)
00:34:59 (Gunshot)
00:35:00 (Gunshot)
00:35:01 (Gunshot)
00:35:02 (Gunshot)
00:35:03 (Gunshot)
00:35:04 (Grunting)
00:35:12 What kind of man would do something like that?
00:35:18 I know exactly what kind of man, Dr. Kunstler.
00:35:21 (Horse neighs)
00:35:23 I promise you, he's going to pay dearly for this.
00:35:28 Very dearly.
00:35:30 (Horse neighs)
00:35:32 (Screams)
00:35:38 (Screams)
00:35:40 (Grunts)
00:35:41 (Screams)
00:35:42 (Horse neighs)
00:35:44 (Horse neighs)
00:35:46 (Horse neighs)
00:35:48 (Horse neighs)
00:35:50 (Knocking)
00:35:59 Who is it?
00:36:00 This is Dr. Pratt.
00:36:02 I want a few words with you, Marshal.
00:36:04 Yes?
00:36:05 I don't have all day, Dix.
00:36:07 Just open the door, will you?
00:36:09 Uh, I'll be a moment, Dr. Pratt.
00:36:11 Dix, I have a bone to pick with you.
00:36:13 Now open this door now.
00:36:15 Open the door!
00:36:16 (Knocking)
00:36:17 It's putting on my trousers.
00:36:19 It's putting on my trousers.
00:36:21 Ah.
00:36:23 Just cleaning yourself up, are you, Marshal?
00:36:27 You are shaving, aren't you?
00:36:29 Uh, yes, I shave my whole face.
00:36:32 My whiskers grow pretty fast.
00:36:34 Does it really?
00:36:35 I start very early when I have an important function to attend,
00:36:37 like the one this evening.
00:36:39 Come in, come in.
00:36:40 Good to see you, Dr. Pratt.
00:36:42 Let go of my hand.
00:36:44 Dix!
00:36:45 Oh, what are you doing?
00:36:47 You've fallen!
00:36:48 Let go of me!
00:36:49 What are you doing to me?
00:36:51 Look at me!
00:36:52 What are you doing?
00:36:53 Dix, you imbecile!
00:36:54 Stop it!
00:36:55 There's something I want you to know.
00:36:58 I know who you are, and I know why you're here.
00:37:01 But you are never, never going to find him.
00:37:05 (Grunts)
00:37:09 (Grunts)
00:37:12 (Music)
00:37:35 The man behind this whole thing is Dr. Griffin Pratt.
00:37:38 He's a ruckus toad ring, he's got the president in prison,
00:37:40 and he even challenged me to go find him.
00:37:42 He's as guilty as jammed lidskits in your proof talk.
00:37:44 Pratt?
00:37:45 Yeah.
00:37:46 You have to be very careful.
00:37:48 Yeah.
00:37:49 (Music)
00:37:52 I've got to go change.
00:37:53 See you later.
00:37:54 (Music)
00:37:55 You're having a bad day?
00:37:57 (Music)
00:38:02 I think I'll skip this one.
00:38:04 (Music)
00:38:08 You and Shih Tzu keep an eye on Dr. Pratt tonight.
00:38:10 Okay.
00:38:11 (Music)
00:38:18 Police.
00:38:19 I'm sure Dix wants us to keep an eye on Dr. Pratt.
00:38:22 Capito, minchione?
00:38:23 Dr. Pratt?
00:38:24 Why Dr. Pratt?
00:38:25 Well, uh, I don't know, but I do know what I better do right now.
00:38:28 Excuse me.
00:38:29 (Music)
00:38:45 Zip it, wacko.
00:38:46 This is a bar.
00:38:47 The piss hole's over there.
00:38:48 Buzz off.
00:38:49 Put your pet in line, you yut.
00:38:51 Your majesty and humble beings,
00:38:53 let's hear a warm, big welcome for our star attraction, Miss Cassandra Monage.
00:38:59 (Applause)
00:39:11 Baby, baby, let's get together.
00:39:15 Honey, honey, me and you.
00:39:19 And do the things, oh, do the things.
00:39:24 And as we like to do, oh, do the things.
00:39:30 Make a little noise.
00:39:32 Get down tonight.
00:39:34 Get down tonight.
00:39:36 Baby, baby.
00:39:37 I didn't think anyone could take my mind off of Pratt, but suddenly there she was, on stage.
00:39:43 A woman who could take anyone's mind off of anything.
00:39:46 She had the deep nurturing instincts and strong family things that would make her the ideal mother for any unplanned child.
00:39:53 Cassandra was a nightingale.
00:39:56 The old saying, "Wet birds never fly at night."
00:39:58 I think she could fly any time she wanted to.
00:40:02 (Music)
00:40:12 There he was, Dr. Griffin Pratt, a man who could ruin anyone's wet dream.
00:40:18 Suave, cool, with all the moves of a slick ballroom dancer.
00:40:22 It's time for Dr. Pratt to find out that he'd met his match, his intellectual equal.
00:40:29 I was about to arrange that introduction.
00:40:32 Dr. Pratt, you said to me, "There's something I want you to know.
00:40:37 I know why you're here, and I know what you want.
00:40:39 There's something I want you to know."
00:40:41 So do I.
00:40:42 So do I.
00:40:43 Yes.
00:40:44 You know why I'm here, and know what I want.
00:40:46 We stand here facing each other like Chief Ten Bears and Josie Wales.
00:40:50 Chief Ten Bears?
00:40:51 Yeah.
00:40:52 They would say, "There's iron in your words that you know, and there's iron in my words that I know,
00:40:57 and there's iron in the words that you ain't living if you don't know."
00:40:59 Turn back to Chief Ten Bears before it's too late.
00:41:03 Chief Ten?
00:41:04 Ten Bears.
00:41:05 And the other one?
00:41:06 Josie Wales.
00:41:08 Who's he?
00:41:10 Teniso.
00:41:11 Teniso?
00:41:13 You are very convincingly thin, commarsal.
00:41:16 Let me get back to you, commarsal.
00:41:20 Out of order?
00:41:22 It's 30 minutes I've been waiting here.
00:41:25 I'm going to try to catch you.
00:41:27 Stop!
00:41:28 [music]
00:41:30 Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down to play.
00:41:35 [music]
00:41:39 Yo, man, stay clear.
00:41:41 What is it? Another Indian conversion?
00:41:43 Close enough.
00:41:44 Get out of my way!
00:41:46 [music]
00:41:49 I'm going to the boat!
00:41:50 [music]
00:41:53 Get down, get down, get down, get down, get down to play.
00:41:59 [music]
00:42:08 Get out of my way!
00:42:10 [music]
00:42:17 Oh, sweet!
00:42:20 [music]
00:42:22 Hey, give me a little traveling music.
00:42:27 What's the celebration about?
00:42:29 You've been taking too long to dump one's gear.
00:42:31 Oh, yeah. I'm sick. I'm dead.
00:42:35 [music]
00:42:40 Why do you have to eat fava beans?
00:42:43 [music]
00:42:49 Okay, come on.
00:42:51 [music]
00:42:53 All right, come on.
00:42:55 [music]
00:43:14 Marshal?
00:43:15 Yes?
00:43:16 I have to speak to you.
00:43:18 Is this some kind of performance or something?
00:43:20 Oh, no. He's a cyborg. It happens all the time.
00:43:23 I'm going to put him back together in the morning.
00:43:25 It's going to be just fine. Come on, I need to talk to you.
00:43:28 Okay, fine.
00:43:30 [music]
00:43:32 Make yourself at home.
00:43:34 I'm going to be right back.
00:43:36 [music]
00:43:51 Hello.
00:43:53 [music]
00:44:00 Something's going on.
00:44:04 I don't know who's behind it.
00:44:07 I don't know what they're doing or why they're doing it.
00:44:10 All I know is I know I want you to know.
00:44:15 Well, I'm glad you told me.
00:44:19 Marshal, I know exactly why you're here.
00:44:21 I can help you.
00:44:23 But therefore, you have to trust me.
00:44:31 Did you know that a male lion can mate 45 times in 3 hours?
00:44:38 I don't have a lion.
00:44:40 I don't even have a dog.
00:44:42 [music]
00:45:11 [gunshots]
00:45:16 One of the advantages of working undercover was that sometimes things got uncovered that you didn't expect to see uncovered.
00:45:23 And you learned about things that you didn't expect to learn about.
00:45:26 Now, whatever Dr. Künstler was trying to hide, she sure wasn't doing a very good job.
00:45:32 Anything on your mind, Dick?
00:45:34 No.
00:45:36 I'm not even thinking.
00:45:38 Dr. Künstler, get a grip.
00:45:41 [slicing]
00:45:42 Oof!
00:45:44 That does it.
00:45:46 It's time you went home.
00:45:47 I'm at home?
00:45:48 It's time I went home.
00:45:50 [slurping]
00:45:51 Stay!
00:45:52 Don't you want to know what else I know?
00:45:54 No, that stuff about the lion. That was good enough for me.
00:45:57 [music]
00:46:00 [slurping]
00:46:06 There you are. At last you come.
00:46:11 My God, is that all you people do up here in the evenings?
00:46:15 This is good for sleep, Marshal.
00:46:17 A nice, sweet, warm decaf.
00:46:19 Non-fat latte.
00:46:21 A touch of mocha.
00:46:22 No foam.
00:46:23 Do you want some?
00:46:24 No, thank you.
00:46:25 I came by to see how Valentino was doing after that dreadful thing at the club.
00:46:29 He was pretty bad, huh?
00:46:31 Mm.
00:46:32 I also told him about the President being a prisoner.
00:46:34 What?
00:46:35 We need all the assistance we can get, Marshal.
00:46:37 Yeah.
00:46:38 Don't worry, Marshal.
00:46:39 The elephant is sitting on my lips.
00:46:41 I say nothing to Lieutenant Shih Tzu.
00:46:44 I saw you leave the club with Dr. Kunstler.
00:46:46 What happened?
00:46:47 Oh, nothing.
00:46:49 Strange young lady.
00:46:51 Had a wild goose chase.
00:46:53 Well, I don't know about the wild goose, but the chase looks like it was very exciting.
00:46:58 No.
00:46:59 It is a little cold in here.
00:47:00 I think I'll have some of that hot coffee.
00:47:02 Good God.
00:47:03 Someone has stolen my zipper.
00:47:04 The atmosphere has no effect on my balance whatsoever.
00:47:05 I'm here.
00:47:06 What?
00:47:07 Who's down there?
00:47:08 Houston, we have a problem.
00:47:09 She's fallen in.
00:47:10 She can't get up.
00:47:11 I thought I told you no contact.
00:47:12 I know, sir.
00:47:13 But I'm convinced now that the President is here and is being held prisoner.
00:47:14 The man behind it is Dr. Griffin Pratt.
00:47:15 Are you sure?
00:47:16 I'm positive.
00:47:17 Mr. Secretary.
00:47:18 I'm sure you know who I am.
00:47:19 I'm Dr. Griffin Pratt.
00:47:20 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:21 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:22 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:23 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:24 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:25 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:26 The man behind it is Dr. Griffin Pratt.
00:47:27 Are you sure?
00:47:28 I'm positive.
00:47:29 Mr. Secretary.
00:47:30 Send up the Galactic National Guard.
00:47:31 We'll get this cleared up in one day.
00:47:32 Who is that?
00:47:33 No.
00:47:34 That's the last thing we want to do.
00:47:35 That would sign the President's death warrant.
00:47:36 You must handle this yourself.
00:47:37 Get Miss Minaj.
00:47:38 Don't fight it, baby.
00:47:39 It's bigger than both of us.
00:47:40 The President's life is at stake.
00:47:41 Say nothing of our planet.
00:47:42 What this imposter will say at the heads of state conference in Paris on Friday, God only
00:47:43 knows.
00:47:44 Un momento.
00:47:45 Don't think about it.
00:47:46 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:47 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:48 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:49 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:50 I'm here to see the President.
00:47:56 Don't think for a minute that Marshall Dix is doing nothing up here.
00:47:59 He's dealing with one of the most important men of the American government.
00:48:03 This guy lives in a big, huge white house.
00:48:07 But I can tell you it's him.
00:48:13 Cassandra?
00:48:21 Cassandra?
00:48:29 Wait a minute.
00:48:53 You mean the President is a prisoner here on Vagans?
00:48:59 How did you know?
00:49:00 You just told us, man.
00:49:02 Affanculo, I did not.
00:49:03 Yes, you did.
00:49:04 I did?
00:49:05 Yes.
00:49:06 Was that a cough drop you gave me?
00:49:07 No, it was a suppository.
00:49:08 Dr. Griffin Pratt?
00:49:09 I hope you don't think there's anything you missed the other night, Marshall.
00:49:15 Just one thing.
00:49:16 You, you're under arrest.
00:49:17 You have a right to remain silent.
00:49:19 Before you say another word, there's something I want you to know.
00:49:23 I've been ordered to reconstitute the President.
00:49:26 Reconstitute?
00:49:27 What does that mean?
00:49:28 Drain all his body fluids.
00:49:32 What's that, some sort of enema?
00:49:33 No, no, no, no.
00:49:34 Drain all his blood, then reconstitute it into refined plasma, ready to activate the
00:49:40 clone.
00:49:41 Wouldn't that kill him?
00:49:42 Most certainly.
00:49:43 I thought so.
00:49:44 Now, please understand me, Marshall.
00:49:45 The thought of killing the President has kept me up all night.
00:49:48 Well, to be perfectly honest, I may have dozed off once or twice, so let's say at least
00:49:52 half the night.
00:49:53 I don't know how I allowed this to happen.
00:49:56 It's very confusing.
00:49:57 I feel as though I've been drugged or brainwashed or whatever they did to me.
00:50:00 But your words last night about Chief Ten Bears and Josie Eastwood?
00:50:05 Clint Eastwood.
00:50:06 Eastwood brought me to my senses, and I must undo the damage I've done, which is why I
00:50:11 want to take you to the President and help you get him out of here.
00:50:14 But we'll have to move fast.
00:50:15 Faster than you think.
00:50:16 I just came from Cassandra's apartment.
00:50:18 She's been kidnapped.
00:50:19 Kidnapped?
00:50:20 Abducted?
00:50:21 Well, we won't know it that's how we talk with her.
00:50:23 Up till now, it's just a simple kidnapping.
00:50:25 She left a note in blue on her door.
00:50:27 See?
00:50:28 It says "Help."
00:50:29 Spelled backwards.
00:50:30 H-E-L-P.
00:50:32 Ah.
00:50:34 We'd better get moving.
00:50:36 There may be two lives we have to save.
00:50:40 This is the easiest way to get to the President.
00:50:43 But whatever you do, don't touch her.
00:50:46 Turbo power enabled.
00:50:48 Get off my head!
00:50:51 Follow me.
00:50:55 Put this on.
00:51:06 You'll be less conspicuous.
00:51:08 Up.
00:51:10 Up.
00:51:13 Mr. Dix, meet the President.
00:51:27 President?
00:51:35 Is that really you?
00:51:37 Depends on what you mean by the word "is."
00:51:40 Whoa.
00:51:42 Are that really you?
00:51:43 Well, of course it's me.
00:51:44 I've been telling these people about my birthmark.
00:51:46 Here, take a look.
00:51:48 [screaming]
00:51:53 I'm the only man who's got a birthmark like that.
00:51:56 It's almost a perfect four-leaf clover.
00:51:58 Yes, sir.
00:51:59 It looks like a four-leaf clover.
00:52:01 Yes, and if that's not sufficient,
00:52:02 then give me the name of someone who plays the saxophone as good as this.
00:52:06 Now, Mr. President, I'm convinced.
00:52:10 My name is Marshal Dix, International Security Force.
00:52:13 I'm here to take you back to Washington, where you belong.
00:52:16 Great.
00:52:18 Yeah.
00:52:29 Son, when did you get here?
00:52:33 Surely you didn't think it would be as easy as all that, did you, Dix?
00:52:36 Now, who would you like to become?
00:52:38 A rod man or a rod hag?
00:52:40 Oh, dear.
00:52:42 The President's looking a little upset.
00:52:44 Perhaps we could switch him with Cassandra.
00:52:47 All right.
00:52:48 That does it.
00:52:50 You're under arrest.
00:52:51 Sir, the Ozo is here.
00:52:53 You have a right to remain silent.
00:52:55 Anything you say will be written down and used against you.
00:52:59 Seize them!
00:53:02 [Grunts]
00:53:04 Such grace, such poetry.
00:53:14 What a cunning stunt.
00:53:16 Any more from you jerks and I'll rip your faces off.
00:53:19 I was a sucker for all that romantic talk.
00:53:22 This young woman could not only sing like a dub,
00:53:25 she was blessed with a serene peace that would have been at home in a Tibetan monastery.
00:53:30 She had everything.
00:53:32 The delicate footwork of a ballet dancer, the high kicks of a rock hit.
00:53:36 Boy, did I love those high kicks.
00:53:39 Very impressive.
00:53:42 But now, as they say, it's your turn to fight.
00:53:46 [Grunts]
00:53:48 I'm glad you were here.
00:53:54 I feel safe with you.
00:53:56 Let's not talk about me.
00:53:57 We've got to get out of here.
00:53:58 Follow her, Mr. President.
00:54:00 Quick.
00:54:01 - Captain Pasquale. - Yes?
00:54:07 See if you can locate Lieutenant Shih Tzu and Dr. Künstler.
00:54:09 Yes.
00:54:10 Meet us out in front of the research center.
00:54:12 We're heading for Washington, D.C. and the White House.
00:54:14 And bring your makeup case.
00:54:16 Done.
00:54:17 Who was this guy?
00:54:20 Come on, all of you.
00:54:21 Grubel, up you get. Come on.
00:54:23 Koenig, pull yourself together. Get up.
00:54:25 That's it. Good boys, good boys.
00:54:27 No, no, no, no.
00:54:28 Wait. Let them go.
00:54:30 Dave Pasquale went hard and fast to disguise the President as Fidel Castro or ZZ Top, think you pick.
00:54:40 Anyway, the perfect way to get to Washington.
00:54:43 Man, those bearded itches.
00:54:44 Step back. Step...
00:54:45 It's me. It's me. Oh, sorry.
00:54:46 Thank you.
00:54:47 Step back.
00:54:48 Please.
00:54:49 I wonder if ZZ Top needs a sax player.
00:54:56 Microbes. Bones.
00:54:58 Wow.
00:54:59 It was good to see Washington, D.C. again, but we had no time to sightsee.
00:55:16 In a couple of days, that clone clown would be shooting his mouth off in Paris.
00:55:20 I'd contacted Secretary Osgood.
00:55:22 He came up with a watertight plan to make the switch.
00:55:25 Okay, guys, time for me to shake hands with little Willie.
00:55:29 Code yellow, gentlemen. Code yellow.
00:55:31 Marshal, did you bring an umbrella?
00:55:33 No, just grab him before he takes aim.
00:55:36 You okay there, sir?
00:55:41 Sir, is everything all right?
00:55:42 Yeah. Mission accomplished. Let's rock.
00:55:44 All right.
00:55:47 Let's go.
00:55:49 D. Pasquale disguised the clone president as somebody who nobody would think twice about.
00:55:54 A dirty old man.
00:55:55 I'm gonna have a CIA cavity search you all.
00:55:58 Yes.
00:56:00 At the Three Tenors Gala concert in Paris this Friday night,
00:56:05 following the International Heads of State Conference,
00:56:08 I will announce changes that will benefit the future of our world forever.
00:56:13 Good job. Well done, everyone.
00:56:16 Now all that remains is to get our friend off to clone heaven.
00:56:19 We have kept Earth to ourselves for far too long.
00:56:23 What?
00:56:24 In the spirit of intergalactic harmony...
00:56:26 Hey, that's Dr. Pratt.
00:56:27 Yeah, it's him.
00:56:29 Yes.
00:56:30 We must be willing to reach out...
00:56:32 Please. There are forces at work here. Let's just forget about it and move on.
00:56:37 But I forgot it.
00:56:38 Now, someone give me a hand getting our imposter out of here.
00:56:41 No, just a minute.
00:56:43 I'm going a little too fast here. I think that there are forces at work,
00:56:46 but I don't think that they're our own.
00:56:48 More than possible that we've been set up to put a clone in the White House.
00:56:51 And take the real president out.
00:56:54 Right.
00:56:55 Why are you the president?
00:56:58 Because of the birthmark.
00:57:00 The birthmark. I saw the birthmark.
00:57:01 Your birthmark proves nothing. When you're cloned, your birthmark is cloned too.
00:57:05 Right.
00:57:06 But I don't have a birthmark.
00:57:08 I had it removed three months ago. Personal reasons.
00:57:11 Give me a little help. I'll show you.
00:57:13 Oh, my God.
00:57:23 Dr. Kunstler, the birthmark should be on the side, not on the front.
00:57:28 You can see where there was something. But there's no birthmark there now.
00:57:31 There's a simple solution.
00:57:33 One dead president.
00:57:36 So it's not just Dr. Pratt. It's you too.
00:57:39 Very good, Dixon.
00:57:41 Now, that really was a job well done.
00:57:47 Not well enough done, Mr. President.
00:57:49 You know anybody you can trust that can get us to Paris?
00:57:52 Yes.
00:57:53 The president's intent was genuine, but his travel plans didn't fly.
00:57:58 Then, suddenly, our luck turned full circle, and we were airborne.
00:58:08 The job was to undo what I had already undone.
00:58:11 There was a clone already in Paris who looked exactly like the president,
00:58:14 and he had a birthmark on his left hip to prove it.
00:58:17 We had the real president.
00:58:19 He had removed the birthmark, so we couldn't prove anything.
00:58:23 How it would all be worked out, I didn't know.
00:58:26 But I did know that the president had to make every effort to keep his pants on.
00:58:30 [Birds chirping]
00:58:32 Madonna!
00:58:34 How are you, good girl?
00:58:42 Thank you very much.
00:58:44 Thank you, thank you very much.
00:58:46 Thank you so much for bringing her.
00:58:48 Bonjour!
00:58:49 Si. What is a four-letter word for "world"?
00:58:52 Do you have a reservation?
00:58:59 Yeah, reservations about being asked if we have reservations.
00:59:04 In America, they have empty hands. They have reservations,
00:59:07 and no one asks if they have them.
00:59:09 Bonjour. Thank you.
00:59:11 What is that?
00:59:18 That is a hockey cup.
00:59:21 Hockey?
00:59:22 Yeah. They use it to play sand hockey in the desert.
00:59:25 Do you have identification?
00:59:27 Well, uh, yeah.
00:59:29 Ah, Fred Jabuti of Jabuti. Good to see you, you son of a...
00:59:33 Take this.
00:59:35 It's me, Shih Tzu.
00:59:37 Let me see, let me see.
00:59:39 Oh, my God.
00:59:41 I had to wear this.
00:59:43 This is the only outfit Dr. Pratt wouldn't look under.
00:59:45 Articles, like yours.
00:59:46 Me? How about you? That Arab accent?
00:59:48 It sounds kind of German. We got Cassandra in the orchestra.
00:59:51 Okay.
00:59:52 Hey!
00:59:55 (beeps)
00:59:57 Ah, well, it is a red press.
01:00:05 It's a Saturday...
01:00:06 Do you have an invitation?
01:00:08 Yes, of course.
01:00:10 The artist formerly known as...
01:00:16 It is print, in disguise.
01:00:18 Excuse me, Mr. Formerly Known As.
01:00:20 Smile, please.
01:00:22 Come on.
01:00:24 Wait! You're not the artist formerly known as print.
01:00:27 The real artist is over here.
01:00:29 Man, it's the Pope.
01:00:33 Come on, dicks. Let's get out of here before he corners me.
01:00:36 Yes, yeah.
01:00:38 Oh, great. They're serving an Italian dinner here tonight.
01:00:42 I think I'll have the tori-do.
01:00:44 (chatter)
01:00:51 Ya booty! Ya booty! You camel!
01:00:55 Pay me what you owe me!
01:00:57 That's all right.
01:01:05 I'm okay. I'm okay.
01:01:07 Hello, Popeye. Can you call me a camel?
01:01:11 Yes!
01:01:13 That's mine!
01:01:15 That's really good.
01:01:17 They wanted you to play a saxophone solo after which intermission?
01:01:25 The White House itinerary said after the first intermission
01:01:29 that I would ride up and appear magically on stage through a trap door.
01:01:33 But we don't have a sax.
01:01:35 We will.
01:01:37 Hey, hello! Do you want to taste an ice cream?
01:01:40 It's very, very good.
01:01:42 Or maybe you like vanilla. Vanilla is wonderful.
01:01:46 The best Italian flavor. Pistachio.
01:01:48 Buonissimo. You like ice cream?
01:01:50 No.
01:01:52 No. Thank you very much. Thank you.
01:01:54 Gelati! Gelati! Gelati!
01:01:58 Ice cream! Ice cream!
01:02:02 Ice cream!
01:02:04 Yeah!
01:02:09 The puff! The puff!
01:02:11 The puff!
01:02:13 Sax!
01:02:17 Ice cream! Gelati all'italiana! Cioccolato, vanilla, gorgonzola!
01:02:35 Oh, signora! Congratulations!
01:02:37 This is a great ice cream. It's the best in the world.
01:02:40 You will have to move. You will have to move.
01:02:42 Please, please, please, you can't stop coming.
01:02:44 Let it go. Let it go!
01:02:46 Ow!
01:02:48 Shit!
01:02:50 Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. President. I'm really sorry. Sorry.
01:02:54 No, no, it was only an accident.
01:02:56 You see, it was only an accident.
01:02:58 We got this. Go back to work. Go back to work. All right. All right.
01:03:00 Go back to work. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for talking to us.
01:03:02 I see our friends are here.
01:03:04 Do you want an ice cream?
01:03:06 I'm going to alert the police.
01:03:08 I think I'd better go check to find out what's going on.
01:03:18 Looks like the gang is all here.
01:03:25 Mmm, ice cream.
01:03:34 One is disguised as a gendarme.
01:03:36 The other one's wearing a French policeman's uniform.
01:03:39 What? Merde! The inspector was who?
01:03:41 The president's wife.
01:03:43 Idiot. Sack of it.
01:03:45 We will search this place from top to bottom.
01:03:48 Allons, vite! Allons! Casse-toi, merde! Allons!
01:03:51 We knew where they were at the hotel in Washington, didn't we, Osgood?
01:03:54 If you had to be there, you were busy being the man in the moon. I was there.
01:03:58 The only place they could possibly make the switch
01:04:00 is under the stage by the trapdoor lifts.
01:04:02 Let's take a look, shall we?
01:04:04 Let's go get your saxophone.
01:04:06 Check backstage. I want to look at those trapdoors.
01:04:08 What did the Japanese delegation say?
01:04:11 Oh, you can't understand a word they say.
01:04:13 They said, "Would I enjoy sushi?"
01:04:15 And?
01:04:17 I said, "Sure thing, man. Send Susie to my room."
01:04:20 I'm just kidding. You can trust me, baby.
01:04:24 (Applause)
01:04:27 That was nice. Well done. That was nice, huh?
01:04:30 (Applause)
01:04:33 (Applause)
01:04:50 Let's go!
01:04:53 (Music)
01:05:19 Hey, this isn't a rapid concert. I hate opera.
01:05:22 Take this. Teach the Arabs, guys. They're checking everyone.
01:05:41 Hey!
01:05:44 (Music)
01:05:47 (Applause)
01:05:55 Maybe there'll be some costumes under the stage.
01:06:08 (Screaming)
01:06:13 Are you okay?
01:06:15 Yes, who cares?
01:06:17 Where are we?
01:06:18 Where are we? Under the stage. What do you think? Is the roof?
01:06:21 Ah, there must be something in here.
01:06:24 Now, you're going to have to stay in that outfit so you can keep your face covered.
01:06:28 If there's something here for me, we won't look so much like a team.
01:06:32 That's a good idea, Dicks.
01:06:35 It'll be mostly women's clothes here.
01:06:38 (Grunts)
01:06:41 Hello?
01:06:44 Hello?
01:06:47 Oui, oui, hello.
01:06:50 That's a real nice prop there, maestro.
01:06:53 Maestro? Is that you?
01:06:55 Yeah, yeah, it's the maestro.
01:06:58 Oh, I heard this big crash. Are you all right?
01:07:03 It was an accident.
01:07:06 I am changing my robe as the pharaoh to the robe I use for singing the aria for Iaida.
01:07:12 Oh, eh, pardon.
01:07:15 Oh.
01:07:18 (Laughs)
01:07:20 Oh, la, la.
01:07:21 I told you they were not right.
01:07:24 Um, you know, this is probably the wrong time, but could you just sing in petit note?
01:07:30 A little note, perhaps?
01:07:32 Oh, eh, si, si, si, si.
01:07:36 (Clears throat)
01:07:37 (Singing in Italian)
01:07:42 Oh.
01:07:43 (Singing in Italian)
01:07:49 Oh, merci. Oh, I'm sorry, these are my...
01:07:52 No, no, no, no, no. You keep them as a momentum.
01:07:55 They're not the right condoms for my beard.
01:07:58 Oh, merci. I will cherish these.
01:08:01 Si, si. Arrivederci.
01:08:03 Merci beaucoup.
01:08:04 Pronto di salami.
01:08:05 Oh, ciao.
01:08:06 Passei fa' sa voda.
01:08:08 Bonjour.
01:08:09 Oh.
01:08:10 (Laughs)
01:08:11 (Music)
01:08:14 (Applause)
01:08:19 (Music)
01:08:27 What is this?
01:08:28 What is this? The platform? Up and down, up and down.
01:08:32 (Music)
01:08:56 What the hell is this?
01:08:58 Pardon, pardon, you have a piece.
01:09:02 Well, I had one about three hours ago. Does that count?
01:09:05 Show me your piece.
01:09:07 What?
01:09:08 I mean the backstage piece.
01:09:10 Backstage. Oh, oh, oh, eh.
01:09:13 (Laughs)
01:09:14 (Music)
01:09:18 I think he said backstage. Pass.
01:09:21 (Music)
01:09:25 What is this?
01:09:26 Oh, don't touch the control panel.
01:09:28 Si, si, frere. It is the control front. Inside the cabinet.
01:09:33 (Music)
01:09:42 Oh, shit.
01:09:43 No one will get pissed while I'm here.
01:09:46 (Music)
01:09:54 Fix it, fix it.
01:09:55 (Music)
01:10:01 Please.
01:10:02 (Music)
01:10:04 (Grunts)
01:10:05 (Music)
01:10:10 (Laughs)
01:10:11 (Music)
01:10:17 (Grunts)
01:10:18 (Music)
01:10:28 What the hell is going on?
01:10:30 (Music)
01:10:50 (Grunts)
01:10:51 (Music)
01:10:55 Hey, man.
01:10:56 (Music)
01:10:57 I had a water.
01:10:59 Hey, hey, look, man.
01:11:01 I can see you.
01:11:02 (Music)
01:11:07 My goodness.
01:11:08 (Music)
01:11:14 Hey.
01:11:15 (Music)
01:11:25 (Laughs)
01:11:26 (Music)
01:11:49 Woo, woo.
01:11:50 Man, I miss disco.
01:11:52 Woo.
01:11:53 (Applause)
01:11:56 Did you find the weapon we left in there?
01:11:58 Yep.
01:11:59 If it looks like he's going to succeed, kill the president.
01:12:03 The real one, that is.
01:12:05 (Laughs)
01:12:08 (Music)
01:12:10 Stage manager, stage.
01:12:12 Aha, there you are.
01:12:14 (Speaks in foreign language)
01:12:16 People are running around and moving the floor.
01:12:18 (Speaks in foreign language)
01:12:20 I wanted him found and...
01:12:22 (Speaks in foreign language)
01:12:23 Ah, shut up, you fool.
01:12:25 I go and rest now.
01:12:27 And then I change my costumes for a second act.
01:12:29 When I come back, you had better have caught them or else...
01:12:33 (Grunts)
01:12:35 (Speaks in foreign language)
01:12:37 (Gasps)
01:12:38 (Music)
01:12:41 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
01:12:43 Did you hear about the story about the woman that went into the doctor's office?
01:12:45 She says, "Doctor, I'm sick."
01:12:46 He says, "What's wrong?" She says, "I don't know."
01:12:47 He says, "Well, I'm going to take your temperature through your rectum."
01:12:49 What is going on here?
01:12:51 I am an outrage!
01:12:53 (Gasps)
01:12:54 Maestro, oh, I have to thank you again for this.
01:12:58 You see, I kept him close to my heart.
01:13:01 What are you talking about?
01:13:02 I did not give you anything.
01:13:04 Besides, my condoms are engraved with my portrait and covered with fur.
01:13:09 These are counterfeits.
01:13:12 Now out of my way!
01:13:14 Counterfeits? Maestro!
01:13:16 (Gasps)
01:13:18 Lady, keep an eye out.
01:13:21 Kunstler is one of them. He's a super spy.
01:13:27 I told you she was a super, super, suppository.
01:13:30 I knew she was in bed with Pratt.
01:13:31 What? And she had me over to her apartment, she did that dance for me,
01:13:35 rubbed her body all over mine, used her tongue?
01:13:37 What was that? A lap dance?
01:13:39 Could have been Lapland, Finland, Russia, any of those countries up there.
01:13:42 And what she told me about the lion, they mate 45 times in three hours.
01:13:47 How many times?
01:13:48 You just keep your eye on Kunstler.
01:13:50 He's got orders to kill the president if anything goes wrong.
01:13:53 She gets up on the table, he gets behind her, all of a sudden she starts saying, "Ooh, ah!"
01:13:57 Wardrobe! Wardrobe!
01:13:59 Where is my costume?
01:14:01 I know it was here. I hung it myself.
01:14:03 And I'll hang you myself if you don't find it.
01:14:05 Luciano, they have come to hear your voice, not to see your clothes.
01:14:09 You think the French won't notice if I'm in the middle of an Italian battlefield,
01:14:14 fighting the Germans, wearing American boxer shorts?
01:14:17 Hey, doctor, that ain't my rectum, is it?
01:14:26 Well, that ain't my thermometer either.
01:14:28 Mr. President, we're ready for you now, sir.
01:14:33 Well, I'm on.
01:14:35 Good luck, snookums.
01:14:38 [ grunts ]
01:14:40 President, no birthmark games tonight.
01:14:47 Just remember, you don't have one anymore,
01:14:49 but there's a clone out there who looks exactly like you, and he does have it.
01:14:52 So you just keep your pants on.
01:14:55 And keep your fingers crossed that Osgood won't remember what he thought he saw.
01:14:59 He won't remember what he thought he saw.
01:15:02 I thought that he didn't see what he thought he saw.
01:15:05 I was right the first time.
01:15:07 First it was the condoms!
01:15:09 Now they've stolen my costume!
01:15:11 Still got a pastime!
01:15:13 Sure.
01:15:15 'Scuse me.
01:15:17 Or rather, that he doesn't know what he thought he didn't see in the hotel.
01:15:22 Well, you remember, he didn't see the birthmark.
01:15:25 Monsieur le President, everything is checked and ready.
01:15:32 You can blow your instrument with confidence,
01:15:35 knowing I will be here holding the fart.
01:15:39 Thank you, thank you.
01:15:57 And now, ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure
01:16:00 to introduce our surprise guest.
01:16:03 So far, so good.
01:16:21 Don't be a pessimist.
01:16:28 I like the way he blows his horn.
01:16:30 My son likes to toot, too.
01:16:32 Let's go.
01:16:37 Are you all right?
01:16:45 Here, catch a saxophone.
01:16:51 Oh!
01:16:53 Whee!
01:17:00 What do we do now, Dix?
01:17:03 I'll lower the trapdoor, Mr. President. You get on it.
01:17:06 Then you'll go up and I'll bring the clone down and put the arm on it.
01:17:09 He's good at that.
01:17:12 Whoo!
01:17:16 Whoo!
01:17:18 What's he got to do with me?
01:17:40 Huh?
01:17:42 (Band playing)
01:17:44 You! You messed things up for the last time!
01:17:53 Jammin' it!
01:18:00 Here, piggy-piggy. Here.
01:18:04 See, whee! Your presidency's about over.
01:18:07 You never even went to Arkansas.
01:18:09 You imposter!
01:18:11 I'm gonna make you...
01:18:13 Stop it!
01:18:15 Don't you think you...
01:18:17 (Groaning)
01:18:19 (Shouting)
01:18:21 Shut up!
01:18:29 Who is who?
01:18:33 We have here two presidents.
01:18:39 Two of them? My gosh, this could be an intern's nightmare.
01:18:43 Two. Identical.
01:18:46 Identical? Yes.
01:18:48 But are our memories the same?
01:18:50 Here's something I composed when I was six years old.
01:18:53 No one knows it.
01:18:55 (Playing "Saxophone Sonata No. 1" by Beethoven)
01:18:59 (Playing "Saxophone Sonata No. 1" by Beethoven)
01:19:02 So, now, who is the real president?
01:19:14 Okay. How about this one?
01:19:16 I learned it yesterday.
01:19:19 (Playing "Saxophone Sonata No. 1" by Beethoven)
01:19:22 (Playing "Saxophone Sonata No. 1" by Beethoven)
01:19:25 (Groaning)
01:19:35 It's not so good, huh?
01:19:44 There's your clone, Inspector.
01:19:46 He remembers everything about my life till the time he was cloned.
01:19:50 But nothing afterwards.
01:19:52 Right. There's your clone, Dr. Pratt.
01:19:55 You! You're the one who did this to me!
01:19:58 I'm gonna destroy you!
01:20:00 You've heard it!
01:20:02 What should we do?
01:20:11 Lord, give him his sign.
01:20:13 You've got mail.
01:20:18 (Groaning)
01:20:20 God said, "Let there be music."
01:20:23 On with the show!
01:20:25 You cheeky idiot!
01:20:30 Here we go.
01:20:33 So much for taking over the world.
01:20:38 I just want to rid the world of idiots like you!
01:20:41 (Groaning)
01:20:43 (Singing in Italian)
01:20:46 (Groaning)
01:20:48 (Singing in Italian)
01:20:50 (Groaning)
01:20:58 (Groaning)
01:21:02 (Groaning)
01:21:07 (Groaning)
01:21:12 (Groaning)
01:21:14 (Groaning)
01:21:26 (Speaking Italian)
01:21:30 It's fake, like wrestling!
01:21:40 (Speaking Italian)
01:21:42 Ooh, that's what I need!
01:21:55 Oh, baby!
01:21:57 (Screaming)
01:21:59 Get me down!
01:22:04 (Screaming)
01:22:10 (Screaming)
01:22:12 Get him!
01:22:16 Take your hands off me!
01:22:23 (Speaking Italian)
01:22:25 What could you do better?
01:22:29 The solution is kill the president.
01:22:38 (Laughing)
01:22:40 Holy shit, baby!
01:22:57 (Groaning)
01:23:03 (Groaning)
01:23:05 I'll be back!
01:23:11 Hasta la vista, baby.
01:23:22 No!
01:23:24 You bastards!
01:23:27 Hey, I'm just a clone.
01:23:31 (Applause)
01:23:33 Ladies and gentlemen, this may have been the greatest save of all time.
01:23:41 And the man responsible is from the Interplanetary Security,
01:23:46 Marshal Dick Dix.
01:23:48 (Applause)
01:23:50 Thank you, Mr. President.
01:23:56 You're very welcome, Marshal Dix.
01:23:58 The world thanks you.
01:24:00 (Singing)
01:24:02 (Singing)
01:24:05 Whoa!
01:24:07 Marshal, wander.
01:24:33 Now I knew what it was like to be a Roman candle on the 4th of July.
01:24:37 That this hero stuff was not for me.
01:24:40 I was ready to get back on the beat, hear the wail of sirens,
01:24:43 and play with my handcuffs and my gun.
01:24:46 Yes, I was ready to plant my flag back in Washington, D.C.,
01:24:51 where every congressman has the constitutional right to be a felon.
01:24:56 Good old America.
01:24:58 (Singing)
01:25:00 (Singing)
01:25:02 Here's your soup, sir.
01:25:09 Smells great.
01:25:13 Uh, well, I want to drink a toast.
01:25:28 I want to drink a toast.
01:25:31 No, to you. You've made the world a safe place again.
01:25:34 Your high kicks helped out pretty good, too, there, you know.
01:25:37 (Gurgling)
01:25:39 Well, how's everything on Vega?
01:25:45 I hear that you've gotten a promotion.
01:25:47 Yes, now I'm responsible for all new erections.
01:25:50 (Coughs)
01:25:52 Congratulations. I'm not a bit surprised.
01:25:57 I love spending my vacation on Earth.
01:26:00 This place is so peaceful.
01:26:02 The ocean, the music, paddock placements.
01:26:06 (Gurgling)
01:26:08 (Coughing)
01:26:10 Are you all right?
01:26:15 Just picking my tea.
01:26:26 There's something I need to tell you.
01:26:29 I see dead people.
01:26:32 What?
01:26:33 I see dead people. Look.
01:26:35 Hey, baby.
01:26:37 You're right.
01:26:40 Hey, would you like to hear the dessert specials?
01:26:42 We got silicone hooter pie with whipped cream for you.
01:26:45 We've got silicone lips ice cream for you.
01:26:48 And, yo, we got guns.
01:26:50 Big guns.
01:26:52 For you.
01:26:53 Guns. Big guns.
01:26:55 Those aren't guns.
01:26:57 This is guns.
01:26:59 (Grunting)
01:27:01 (Gunshot)
01:27:03 Wait, wait, wait.
01:27:05 Marshall, you made the world a safe place again.
01:27:09 Again.
01:27:11 You were so wonderful.
01:27:13 You know you could be my father?
01:27:15 Oh, no, no.
01:27:17 That concert was the only time I've ever been to France, ever.
01:27:20 Richard.
01:27:22 Mmm.
01:27:25 Mmm.
01:27:28 (Music ends)
01:27:30 (Music)
01:27:37 (Music)
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01:32:57 (Fart)
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01:33:57 [BLANK_AUDIO]