Top Most Epic Inspirational Speeches About Love, Dating and Relationships
Bold, inspirational wisdom about love, dating and relationships. A Goalcast motivational package.
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00:00 You are who you've been looking for.
00:03 So stop looking for more unless you're looking in a mirror
00:05 because it's about time for you to see clearly
00:07 that you are who you've been looking for.
00:10 And that empty feeling you got, that hole in your chest,
00:13 you only got that feeling
00:15 because you think you're not blessed with everything you need.
00:18 You see, we live in a consumerist society,
00:21 which means they need you to buy stuff.
00:24 And the easiest way to sell it is to tell you you're not enough.
00:28 Buy this car, you'll get girls.
00:31 Buy this bra, you'll get guys.
00:33 And we're seeing it so much that we start believing these lies,
00:37 but the truth is,
00:40 the makeup they're selling to make you feel prettier
00:42 is the same makeup you buy to stop feeling shittier
00:44 about this lie they keep telling you that you are not enough.
00:48 And what about the movies we watch, all the shows on TV?
00:54 The more I watch, the more I see, I need you to complete me.
00:58 And yes, love is the answer, love is the key,
01:01 but if you can't love yourself, how could you ever love me?
01:04 And loving yourself, what does that even mean?
01:08 Like massages and selfies and that sort of thing?
01:11 Because the more I think about it, the more it feels weird.
01:13 I've always been taught that self-love was something to be feared.
01:17 I've been taught that arrogance is bad and vanity is not good
01:20 and even my bracelets are telling me to act how Jesus would.
01:22 So what should I do?
01:24 How should I act?
01:28 I'm supposed to love myself, but how do I even do that?
01:31 Well, I got a trick that I picked up from a friend
01:35 who noticed that I was quick to defend her
01:37 when she would say something negative about herself.
01:40 She would say, "I'm so dumb," and I'd say, "You're so brilliant."
01:43 She'd say, "I'm so weak," and I'd say, "You're so resilient."
01:47 And when she said, "I feel ugly," and I said, "You look beautiful,"
01:50 she asked me why I was so dutifully filling up her cup constantly
01:54 and yet treating my own cup so irresponsibly.
01:56 Because when I looked in the mirror, my voice was quite clear.
02:05 "You're ugly, you're too thin, your hairline's receding,
02:07 you got a pimple on your chin."
02:08 And that was when she gave me a piece of advice that changed my life.
02:12 She gave me a hug.
02:18 And she said, "Treat yourself like someone you loved."
02:21 Treat yourself like someone you loved.
02:27 Now, I had been standing, but I needed to be sitting
02:30 because I couldn't believe that I had been letting myself keep forgetting
02:32 that I was who I'd been looking for.
02:34 And deep in my core, I knew it was time to stop looking for more
02:39 until I could look through all my fear and look into a mirror
02:42 and see clearly that the man looking back at me
02:45 was the only one who can make me happy
02:47 and I am already enough.
02:49 And I am not any more special or unique than you.
02:57 That is why I'm here to speak to you.
02:59 You are already enough.
03:01 And when you start to see that, you will start to be that.
03:05 Your world will get brighter, your load will get lighter,
03:07 and you can see that with life.
03:08 You can be a lover, not a fighter.
03:10 And that life, you deserve it.
03:14 Because you are worth it.
03:17 And there is no point in letting yourself keep forgetting
03:21 because no matter what you say or do,
03:23 you are perfect.
03:26 And so today, I hope I leave you with a direction correction
03:30 away from the flaws you see in your reflection.
03:32 They aren't flaws to me, they are simply protection
03:34 against all the doubts you have of your perfection.
03:43 So start today.
03:45 Take a good, long look in the mirror and say,
03:49 "I am who I've been looking for."
04:12 This is your first challenge.
04:13 I'm going to give you 30 seconds.
04:14 I want you to turn to someone sitting near you, next to you.
04:17 Look them in the eye, and this is what I want you to say.
04:20 "When I look at you, I see blank."
04:23 Okay? 30 seconds, go.
04:25 You're going to look at me and say,
04:27 "Mr. Floyd, when I look at you, I see blank."
04:30 Okay?
04:31 When I look at you, I see a swan.
04:34 Ban.
04:35 Now I go.
04:38 "Alexis, when I look at you, I see me."
04:43 Where am I looking?
04:47 I'm looking in their eyes, deeper than that.
04:49 Where am I looking?
04:50 Their brain and their heart, we're getting closer.
04:53 Yes?
04:54 Where?
04:56 Their soul, we're getting really close now.
04:58 Where is your soul?
04:59 Inside.
05:00 That is your first challenge for today.
05:04 Stop looking at people on the outside and say this out loud.
05:07 Look on the inside.
05:10 And here's where you use this.
05:12 It's really hard to look at someone who doesn't look like you
05:17 and see yourself in them.
05:20 My children don't look like me.
05:22 They look like their mom.
05:23 They look Asian, they look Filipino.
05:25 They have black hair and brown eyes and Asian skin.
05:28 They're tan and they just don't look like me.
05:30 My son, Justin, he likes anime, and Justin likes wrestling, WWE.
05:36 What you need to know about Justin, though, is that he has autism.
05:42 And he's awesome.
05:48 He's kind.
05:51 He's compassionate.
05:55 He's caring.
05:57 But he doesn't understand where he fits in socially.
06:03 He can't look people in the eye.
06:05 He doesn't know how to interject himself into a conversation.
06:08 He doesn't know where he fits in.
06:10 When Justin was in middle school, he used to come home from school every day
06:15 and I would ask him, "Hey, buddy, where'd you eat lunch today?"
06:18 And he would say, "Daddy, I ate alone."
06:22 He still does some days in Highland High School.
06:31 Justin looks like all of you guys, and he is just like all of you guys.
06:36 Not here.
06:39 Here.
06:41 And there's a difference, guys, between being alone and being lonely.
06:45 No one here is alone. We're all in the physical proximity of people.
06:48 But there are people sitting in here who are lonely.
06:50 Lonely is a feeling. Lonely is toxic. Lonely is dangerous.
06:54 It leads you to do things that you normally wouldn't do.
06:57 A lot of times unhealthy things.
07:00 Five years ago now, Justin learns how to skate,
07:03 and eight months goes by and he gets invited to play.
07:05 He wants to play on a rec league team with typical kids, with regularly developing kids.
07:09 And the last game of the season we were losing.
07:12 It was 8-3. It was about three minutes to go.
07:15 And I'm in the bleachers.
07:17 There was a face-off.
07:20 And Kyle takes the puck, and he passes it to Justin, and Justin skates in.
07:25 And he takes a soft shot, and it goes off the goalie's pad.
07:28 And he gets the rebound, and he stuffs it in the goal.
07:30 And the kids are going crazy.
07:32 And I'm crying. I'm like melting the ice with my tears.
07:36 And so I went over to the opposing team's bench,
07:39 and I reached out my hand to their coach, because I knew what he had done.
07:43 And I said, "Thank you." And he looked right at me.
07:46 And he said, "Don't thank me. Thank the boys."
07:49 And they were 10 and 11 years old, and all they did was let a kid score a goal.
07:55 But here's the takeaway.
07:57 They had no idea how they would affect that kid's father that day.
08:02 They had no idea that that kid's father would go out and tell that story to over 100,000 kids.
08:08 And I don't think you're too young to hear that message.
08:11 And so I say that to you.
08:13 Your life is not about you.
08:15 Your life is not about you. Your life is about all the people around you.
08:18 Your life is about all the people you can touch, all the people you can impact,
08:21 all the people you can influence, all the people you love, and all the people that love you.
08:24 That's how you source your life.
08:26 Live your life like that and watch your life change.
08:30 It's amazing what happens.
08:32 [Music]
08:38 Going to the chapel and I'm gonna get married.
08:47 Going to the chapel and I'm gonna get devastated.
08:56 Me, I really am uncertain and we're gonna get divorced.
09:04 Going to the chapel of love.
09:10 I'm 20 years old at the chapel doors, big white dress and a four-foot train.
09:16 And there is a man at the end of the aisle who I do not want to marry.
09:21 How did I get here?
09:24 I grew up in a home where I was unsafe, unspecial, unloved.
09:29 And so when that was reflected back to me, it felt like home.
09:34 It felt like love.
09:36 And when I was 16 and for the first time in my life, someone looked in my eyes and said, "I love you."
09:43 Well, you knew I was gonna marry him.
09:46 I was starved for human connection.
09:50 So I went ahead and married someone just like my father and divorced him by the time I was 30.
09:55 And then I was engaged to someone just like my mother and I ended that when I was 40.
10:00 So my work is done.
10:07 Challenges do not keep us from our dreams.
10:10 They prepare us for our dreams.
10:14 And so I am ready.
10:17 I'm ready to meet Mr. Right.
10:21 Right?
10:23 And how do I attract my soulmate?
10:26 Well, that's a big question and I always take big questions into meditation.
10:30 And I heard the answer, "Lean back and receive."
10:36 What does that even mean?
10:39 Lean back and receive?
10:42 You mean I'm not supposed to work for it?
10:44 I'm not supposed to prove my worthiness of love?
10:47 I'm supposed to let go of everything I ever thought I knew about love?
10:52 I am a beautiful being, deserving of love.
10:59 And so are you for no other reason than because you are you.
11:05 So the next time I get married, and there will be a next time, my vows will sound like this.
11:14 Dear one, I love you so much that I'm going to put me first.
11:21 I promise to be at peace with who I am so I can be at peace with who you are.
11:28 I am committed to my greatness so that I can be comfortable with your greatness.
11:34 I take full responsibility for how I feel about you.
11:39 It's all on me.
11:41 And the only thing I ask of you is that you do the same for me.
11:46 Now I am open, willing, and ready for love.
11:52 The question is, who else is ready?
11:56 And who's next down the aisle?
11:59 [Cheering]
12:13 A man, much reserved by nature, was very hesitant to ask his boss for a raise in his salary.
12:22 One Friday morning, he got up and told his wife, "I will do it today, darling.
12:29 I shall ask my boss for a raise in my salary."
12:33 Late in the afternoon, as he approached his boss,
12:36 finally he gathered up the courage to speak up and ask for a raise in his salary.
12:43 Much to his delight, the boss agreed.
12:48 The man was on the top of the world.
12:51 And when he came back home, he saw a beautiful dinner table.
12:56 Fine crockery set on the table.
12:59 Beautiful candles lit up.
13:02 His wife had prepared a festive meal to celebrate the occasion.
13:08 He guessed someone from the office may have tipped her off and informed her about it.
13:13 Anyways, he got into the kitchen, hugged her, gave her the good news,
13:18 and came and sat down to have his meal.
13:22 Right there on the table was a card.
13:25 When the man picked up the card and read the contents,
13:28 the card said, "Congratulations, darling. I knew you'll get that salary raise.
13:35 All of these things are to tell you how much I love you."
13:41 Prep by prep, the lady served her husband.
13:45 And as she went back into the kitchen finally to bring the dessert,
13:50 from the pocket of her apron fell another card unknown to her.
13:55 The man picked up the card, and as he read the contents of the card,
14:01 he had tears in his eyes.
14:04 On the card was written, "Don't worry, darling.
14:08 Even if you did not get that salary raise, you deserve much more than that.
14:14 This dinner table, this crockery, these fine candles, this fantastic meal,
14:19 all these things are simply meant to tell you how much I love you."
14:27 Her love for him was unconditional.
14:30 It did not depend on his success at work.
14:35 In fact, it was exactly the opposite.
14:38 If he were to fail, if he were to be rejected,
14:42 he would have needed that total acceptance and support all the more,
14:47 and she would be there by his side.
14:50 Even if we were to be rejected by the whole world,
14:53 if we have one person in our lives like this woman,
14:57 who can totally accept us, totally believe in us,
15:01 totally love us, and totally support us,
15:05 we can certainly achieve what we want and reach where we want to go.
15:11 I'm the too much woman, and I am dangerous. Can't you see?
15:26 My truth, my words, my hips, my curves, two handfuls, maybe three.
15:32 Too loud, too big, too bold, too wild, too sexy, yeah, that's me.
15:38 And I won't sit down, shut up, or dim, turn it off, hide away, baby.
15:44 I was born a too much little girl in a big fat Greek family.
15:49 And I was fed compliments along with second helpings of everything,
15:53 because food and words are how we love in my family.
15:56 They called me beauty queen and blue-eyed princess,
16:00 and those words, they tasted as good as mama's cooking.
16:04 And I learned early on that my body was a form of currency,
16:09 that with the bat of an eye and a sweet smile and a tilt of my head,
16:13 I could buy me more love and attention.
16:17 And that worked for a while, until it didn't.
16:21 Until the beauty of my body started to entice customers
16:24 that I did not want in my store.
16:27 So I started to backpedal, to become small and afraid,
16:31 and to dim my too muchness.
16:34 Well, I trained as a dancer and slowly came back to loving my body again,
16:38 to feeling strong in my skin and confident in my stride.
16:43 And on a crisp fall day in grade nine, I was surrounded by 20 older girls
16:48 who pinned my arms behind my back, kicking, punching, spitting, scratching,
16:53 punishing me for my too muchness and my love of my body.
16:57 And as the blood dripped from my nose, so did the light in my spirit.
17:01 And once again, realizing that I wasn't safe in this body, I dimmed it down.
17:08 Well, fast forward, I'm a grown woman now, smart, professional,
17:12 delivering a keynote to a sea of over 300 executive men in suits,
17:17 deciding this would be my defining moment.
17:21 Once and for all, I was going to be seen, not for my body, but for my art,
17:26 for my craft, for what I brought to the table.
17:28 So I manned up.
17:30 Severe pantsuit, button to the top, breasts hidden, hair slicked back
17:36 into a severe bun. I even bought me some fake glasses.
17:41 I dimmed down all the juiciness of my too much body,
17:44 and yeah, I knocked that baby right out of the park,
17:47 and I flew off the stage to a standing ovation, thinking I had finally won the battle
17:52 by dimming this body down.
17:54 And there I was, strolling along in my self-celebration,
17:58 when I was approached by a man from the audience who asked if he could walk me to my car.
18:02 And out in the parking lot, he grabbed my arm.
18:08 His nails were like talons, digging into my skin.
18:12 And he pulled me close, very close, too close,
18:18 so close that I could smell the stale coffee and misogyny on his breath as he hissed,
18:24 "I have a fetish for librarian types."
18:28 Say what?
18:30 All I remember is driving fast, driving on the highway and watching my whole life
18:36 fly past in front of me and ricochet off the windowsill,
18:39 the shaming, the hiding, the dumbing down, the shunning,
18:43 letting my hair blow wild and the tears flow free,
18:46 and deciding I would no longer deny the love of my body.
18:50 From now on, I would dare to be seen in my all that juicy, over-the-top-ness.
18:56 You know, people carelessly say, "Love your body,"
19:00 but what they don't say is, "Baby, it's a dangerous game."
19:04 People are going to shun you, objectify you.
19:08 They're going to ignore you.
19:10 They're going to be afraid of you.
19:11 And I say, "Yes, baby, all that yes, but guess what?
19:15 Do it anyway."
19:17 You know, the church says this body is a sin.
19:20 Science says this body is a machine.
19:24 Business says this body is a product, but this body says I'm a freaking fiesta.
19:30 So to all the too-much women in the audience, I want you to stand up.
19:35 Stand up and be seen in your glory.
19:39 We are not a piece of human.
19:42 We are not flesh and ass and temptation.
19:44 We are feminine energy with masculine force.
19:48 We are sexy brilliance, and we are hot determination.
19:51 We are bigger than our breasts and more powerful than our thighs,
19:54 and our curve is mightier than any sword,
19:57 and our wit stronger than any insult.
20:00 We are not here to radiate, to taunt you, to provoke you, to threaten you.
20:05 We shine not for your adoration.
20:08 We shine because, baby, you just can't dim the sun.
20:11 [applause]
20:16 I believe that feeling loved is more important than being right.
20:21 I think we all agree.
20:23 Again, we forget in the middle of the argument.
20:28 In my shower, we have this knob that you pull to turn the water on,
20:34 right and left, hot and cold, a little plunger that you push
20:37 that sends the water either up through the shower or down into the tub.
20:43 I, like everyone I knew, pulls the plunger so the water comes up through the shower.
20:49 I put my hand in, wait until the temperature gets the way--
20:51 anybody else do this?--and when it gets the way I want, then I get in.
20:57 My wife, for some other reason, has this experience that when she turns on the water,
21:02 she expects it to be going down into the tub,
21:05 so she leans in to put her hand underneath the faucet.
21:08 Where's the water coming from after I've used it?
21:11 From the shower. What does it do? Hits her in the head. How's she feeling?
21:13 "Rod, you have the shower on!"
21:15 And we get into this argument about who's going to have the plunger in or out.
21:21 Haven't you ever had silly arguments that were intense about that?
21:24 Who's going to control who? Whose right way is the right way?
21:32 That went on for a long time.
21:35 Power struggle.
21:39 And somehow, I don't know why, sometime when I was finishing the shower,
21:44 I thought of what was going to happen.
21:48 And I saw myself having a choice of doing something with that plunger
21:52 to have it go up in the shower or down into the tub.
21:55 And I knew very clearly that if it went down in the tub, how would my wife feel?
22:01 She'd feel loved.
22:04 And isn't that the way we want the people we love to feel?
22:07 We want them to feel loved.
22:09 And I saw how simple and easy that was.
22:12 But I had to realize the difference between a requirement and a preference.
22:16 That you don't go to war over preferences.
22:18 In fact, when it's not a requirement, by definition, you've agreed to not agree.
22:24 You've agreed to not have to have it your way.
22:27 That's what "not a requirement" means.
22:29 And so, push the plunger in.
22:33 And when she comes in and the water hits her hands, she feels loved.
22:38 And just to be a little poignant about it, she passed away about four years ago.
22:44 And when I take a shower, I am still pushing the plunger in.
22:50 It makes me feel loved.
22:52 In my perceivingly worst relationship, where my fiancé picked me up and threw me three feet across the room
23:04 and choked me until I passed out, when I can figure out the purpose of that relationship,
23:09 now I can bring Lisa 100% fully forth so that my next doesn't pay for my ex.
23:15 Because until you are complete and whole in some of those answers,
23:19 you're trying to avoid them in the future.
23:22 Until you can be whole and complete with them.
23:25 It's purposeful.
23:26 Any relationship you're no longer in is either purposeful or life-giving.
23:31 Figure out which one and figure out what it gave you.
23:33 What life did it give you? What purpose did it fulfill?
23:35 And then move on into your breathtaking future.
23:37 That someone's going to cross your path tomorrow, next week, next year.
23:44 And they need the love that you have.
23:46 But in order for them to get it, you need to fill your cup up and you need to be in overflow.
23:52 Because you can't love them from your cup, you got to always love them from your saucer.
23:56 Yes. Because when you love them from your saucer, you never ever run out.
24:02 You never love on an empty tank.
24:04 Love never hurts.
24:06 A lot of times when love is hurting, it's because you haven't given you everything you need yet.
24:11 And you're trying to give other people what you still need.
24:13 You're trying to give them your oxygen.
24:15 Which is why you're sitting around going, "Hurry up!"
24:21 I never made it to Broadway, so this is my best damn stage.
24:24 And so recognizing that when you love from your overflow,
24:31 that's the most responsible thing that you could do.
24:34 And that the greatest love that you can ever give the world
24:39 is the demonstration of what loving you looks like.
24:43 If she can give herself a thousand second chances, then I can give myself one more.
24:47 And if he can give himself another chance, if he can get up after that financial fall,
24:51 if he can get up after that divorce, if she can get up after that breakup,
24:54 if he can get back up after having to leave his children,
24:57 if she can get back up after having that child,
24:59 and she can define herself, then what can I do?
25:02 And so your demonstration of how madly in love with you you are
25:07 helps me to recognize how madly in love with me I get to be.
25:11 And then when I love myself enough, then all my extra just oozes over onto you.
25:16 And when you let your light shine like that,
25:21 because you've fallen in love with you, all of a sudden you get in the corner
25:24 and that light for a moment brightens up someone's momentary darkness.
25:28 And then you've been a blessing to someone else.
25:31 Humanity starts with somebody.
25:33 Humanity is the sister at the grocery store.
25:36 Humanity is the black man that's walking down the street
25:39 who looks like he can use a hello and a smile.
25:41 Humanity is the Asian woman who's in the corner who can use some love.
25:45 Humanity is the white man who's in the corner who might not say hi to me,
25:49 but if he sees love on my face, then he knows that I mean him no harm.
25:52 I'm his sister. Humanity is each one of us.
25:55 I want to love the journey, and I want to feel the journey.
25:58 And in order for my yes to have value, my no needs to be said.
26:02 And I want to exercise my no and my yes.
26:04 I want to dance until my knees hurt.
26:06 I want to stay awake until I doze off in the middle of a sentence
26:09 because the conversation is so good.
26:11 I want to laugh until my belly aches.
26:14 I want to sleep until the sun wakes me up.
26:16 I want to find out what does my song sound like, even off-key.
26:21 I want my heart to skip a beat,
26:24 and I want my stomach to turn in knots
26:26 because he just took my breath away by the way he looked at me.
26:29 I don't want to miss a moment of this life called love,
26:32 but every time I look in the mirror at Lisa,
26:35 I want to look at her and I want to say,
26:37 "God, I love walking with you. I love holding your hand.
26:42 I love this journey, and I'm proud.
26:44 I'm proud of the way you wear imperfection."
26:48 And so I say that love starts with self-love.
26:54 [music]
26:59 I have stood here on this corner for far too long.
27:04 [music]
27:07 Here, at the intersection of too much and not enough streets,
27:11 hustling for my worthiness.
27:14 You could drive by most Sundays and see me at six years old,
27:18 eight, ten,
27:21 standing at the doorway, nose pressed to the glass window, waiting.
27:26 The home would smell of chocolate chip cookies, his favorite,
27:30 and I'd wrap them up tightly to keep them warm,
27:33 thinking, "Oh, he is going to love me.
27:36 I mean, he's going to love them."
27:39 And I stood at that door, waiting.
27:43 I remember the cruel ticking of the clock.
27:46 I remember my mother gently pulling me away from the door,
27:50 peeling off my coat,
27:52 and making me hot chocolate to sweeten the bitterness of his absence.
27:57 I stood at that door for much of my youth,
28:01 and at 26, all dolled up on my wedding day,
28:05 I sat in the back of a stretch limousine,
28:07 my nose once again pressed to the glass window,
28:11 waiting for him to show up to walk me down the aisle.
28:15 [music]
28:18 There was no hot chocolate that day, just the bitterness.
28:22 Now, I ain't a victim.
28:24 In my life, I have been loved in so many ways.
28:28 That's what you all want to hear, isn't it?
28:31 All the ways that someone else can soothe and comfort and fix it.
28:37 Ever have someone try to give you something you didn't feel worthy of having?
28:41 Nobody can fill you if there's a hole in your self-worth.
28:46 I'm here to tell you, baby, that it is never enough.
28:52 And if I could talk to that little six-year-old girl,
28:55 I would tell her, "Baby, he's not coming.
28:59 Nobody's coming to save you."
29:02 [music]
29:07 And that's the good news.
29:09 Worthiness isn't out there to get.
29:11 It's in here to claim. It's your birthright.
29:14 And I love this thought without apology to the romantics and the Hollywood movies
29:18 and all of you searching for your twin flame.
29:21 I love knowing that the journey to loving myself is the ultimate love affair of my life.
29:28 But this state of mine, it's an inside job, baby.
29:31 And if you aren't there, haven't been there, forgotten how to get there,
29:35 hop in Thelma and let's get the hell out of this town.
29:38 Because the journey to connection, it's never about going.
29:42 It begins with coming home to yourself.
29:45 [music]
29:56 How to succeed in heartbreak without really trying.
29:59 First, do nothing.
30:01 Become one with your couch.
30:03 Eating whole stacks of Oreos like leaning towers of feelings.
30:07 Watch Jane Austen adaptations until your eyes become raisins.
30:10 Relish in Colin Firth emerging from the lake in a white shirt.
30:15 [laughter]
30:18 If you must do something, drink.
30:19 But keep it classy.
30:20 Put your cheap wine in a glass.
30:21 You aren't a pirate.
30:22 Talk to yourself.
30:23 Talk to yourself in the mirror, on public transportation,
30:26 in the middle of the fountain at the mall.
30:28 Because there are things you never got to say.
30:31 And you don't have to swallow them.
30:33 Join Tinder.
30:35 Make your profile picture a model and talk to no one.
30:38 Just keep swiping until you get carpal tunnel.
30:41 That way you can reject 50 people a minute and it feels like killing ants.
30:45 [laughter]
30:49 With abs.
30:52 Kiss as many people as you need to get the stamp of his lips off of your brain.
30:58 Go to museums.
30:59 Realize other things have history too.
31:03 Play hide and go seek with your REM cycle.
31:05 You're not sure what's worse to wake up from, the nightmares about your sides splitting open
31:10 or the dreams about him holding your jaw like it meant something to him.
31:14 You might as well tape your eyelids to your forehead because at least you can lie to yourself while you're awake.
31:20 Staple until 3, 3.30 or brew tea with the bags under your eyes.
31:25 Write.
31:26 Write until you've used every metaphor in your library.
31:29 Start using the same one over and over because there's only so many ways to describe being destroyed.
31:36 But once you get there, that's just the foundation.
31:40 Next, gather up all of the chinks in your chain, fasten them together, make chain mail,
31:45 and ride that bitch into battle.
31:47 Take his name, the one that still hurts to say, and use it as a war cry.
31:51 Then actually cry because there is nothing shameful about clearing your eyes.
31:56 Do not pick yourself up.
31:57 Do not be okay because heartbreak is not about being okay.
32:00 It's about remembering that you were okay before.
32:03 It's about saying fuck okay.
32:05 It's about taking all of your broken pieces and building yourself a castle
32:09 because I don't care who you are, you're a goddamn queen.
32:11 It's about saying fuck this poem.
32:13 No one succeeds at heartbreak.
32:16 I built myself a throne room out of pizza boxes and empty Lunchables,
32:22 and I can't stop crying into my Campbell's chicken noodle soup.
32:25 But one day, I'll cry myself a fountain of youth.
32:29 Let's go back to the beginning.
32:31 I'm tired of self-help tips and friendly pick-me-ups.
32:34 I drank of bottles, bottles, and bottles, pretending their mouths belonged to someone else.
32:40 But I'm done feeling sorry for myself.
32:43 Because why apologize for loving until you burst?
32:47 My capacity to feel needs no pardon.
32:50 My heart needs no mending.
32:52 I am not broken.
32:53 I'm just a little more explosive.
32:56 I have a really important story that I want to tell.
33:10 I met my abuser when I was 19 years old.
33:14 He was charming, and it all started amazing.
33:20 And then one thing led to another.
33:23 It started with little comments here and there.
33:27 So it started with more verbal abuse, and then it started with a push or a shove.
33:35 And then it became a choke.
33:37 And I was like, "All right, well, if you really choked me," and I'm thinking in my head,
33:40 "If you choked me harder, then I'm going to leave."
33:43 But then if every time I tried to leave, it kept getting worse,
33:46 and I didn't know how to get out.
33:48 And I thought that it was my fault, because he truly blamed me for everything.
33:58 And so I lost all my friends.
34:00 I got dropped by every agent and manager in the business
34:04 because I was doing terrible at auditions, and I truly felt like I was stuck.
34:16 I truly--I did not know how to get out, and I didn't know there was a place that could help me.
34:24 But also because I didn't know if anyone would believe me.
34:28 I didn't know, so I just hid, and I hid, and I hid.
34:31 And that's when I finally was like, "I don't want to live my life like this anymore."
34:37 So I prayed to my grandpa, and I said, "Please just take me away,
34:40 because I don't want to be this person,"
34:43 because I was a girl full of light and full of energy and charm,
34:48 and this man just broke me down to absolute nothing.
34:52 So on that next day is when he choked me, said he was going to kill me,
34:58 and ended up strangling me until I lost my breath.
35:01 But I saw--I saw my whole life flash before my eyes.
35:07 I saw my birth to my funeral, and I just remember seeing my mom.
35:10 It's like, "Why couldn't I reach out to my family?"
35:15 And that's what I love about Safe Horizon,
35:17 was because there is a place where you can reach out and you can talk about it.
35:22 And once my abuser was in jail, and I was able to finally be set free from him,
35:30 my family became my Safe Horizon.
35:33 I was able to go today to see the shelter,
35:37 and it was beautiful to see.
35:42 I have a 14-month-old baby girl,
35:44 and I would do anything in the world to protect her.
35:49 And to go in there and see these beautiful children being protected
35:52 means the absolute world to me as a mother.
35:55 And then I also know those mothers there too are so grateful,
35:58 because it inspired me to know that not only can we now speak about it,
36:04 but we can also have shelter and we can get help.
36:08 Another huge fear of mine was my story,
36:11 because I thought that if I shared my story, then people would view me as broken.
36:16 And it's been 14 years.
36:19 I held it in for 14 years.
36:22 But now, knowing the platform that I have,
36:24 I want to be able to be a voice for you guys.
36:27 I will be the loudest voice.
36:30 [Music]
36:35 As much as I would like to say that I married for love, I didn't.
36:42 I had an amazing life.
36:44 Right out of college, I got married.
36:46 I moved to Italy, to Lake Como,
36:48 which is one of the most beautiful places in the world.
36:52 I would ride around in my Vespa, wind in my hair, sun in my smiling face.
36:58 I had what you would imagine to be this renaissance painting.
37:03 So I had it all, picture-perfect life, on the outside.
37:08 But on the inside, it was a different story.
37:11 On the inside, it was like that painting was cracking and peeling.
37:17 So what was wrong?
37:20 Everything.
37:22 I didn't know it, but I hated myself.
37:24 And I kept it up.
37:26 I kept this painting, especially for me, my parents.
37:30 I could not let my parents know, especially not my dad.
37:32 He would kill me.
37:34 And I spent nine years suppressing what my heart was telling me,
37:40 suppressing my emotions, ignoring them.
37:42 No.
37:43 But I was lost, broken.
37:45 I was afraid.
37:47 We were driving along the lake.
37:49 We were going to see some friends that had just had their third baby.
37:52 So we veer up to go to the hospital.
37:55 And the whole time in the car that we're going there,
37:57 there was something inside of me that just--something was not sitting right.
38:00 I was not feeling okay.
38:03 We get there, go up to the maternity ward floor.
38:07 I just couldn't handle it.
38:08 I didn't know what was wrong.
38:10 And I go down this hallway.
38:11 It's eerily empty, huge.
38:13 And I find a place on the wall, and I just brace myself.
38:17 And I don't know what's going on.
38:19 And this feeling is just getting stronger.
38:22 Shame and blame.
38:24 How could you?
38:25 You're such a horrible person.
38:26 It was just going over and over and over again.
38:29 I just wanted to jump out of the window and sink to the bottom of the lake.
38:35 And I'm standing there, and I'm just, "What is wrong with me?"
38:40 And all of a sudden, all this screaming in my head just stopped.
38:46 And I'm looking at myself.
38:49 And I was so clear.
38:50 I was finally clear because there was only one decision that I could make.
38:59 I had to leave.
39:01 I had to leave this life.
39:03 I had to leave the marriage.
39:04 I had to leave everything.
39:06 And I didn't know how because I had trapped myself in that painting
39:11 that I meticulously curated for nine years.
39:16 And there was so much at stake.
39:17 I didn't want to hurt my husband.
39:19 He wasn't a bad person.
39:20 He was a great person.
39:23 My family, our friends, nine years of relationships.
39:26 And then I would have to face people.
39:30 I was going to get blamed.
39:31 I was going to be hated.
39:33 I was going to get yelled at.
39:34 My dad was definitely going to kill me.
39:37 I was so afraid, but I made the decision anyway
39:40 because for the first time in a really long time,
39:43 I made a decision for myself.
39:46 And for me, one of the most difficult ones was calling my dad
39:52 and telling him.
39:54 And I still remember calling him, and I said, "I'm so sorry.
40:01 I'm so, so sorry."
40:04 And he pauses and doesn't say anything, and I'm ready.
40:10 And he says, "Atapea, come home.
40:16 Since you're not happy, come home."
40:23 I had no idea that he wanted me to be happy.
40:28 I had all these stories of what I thought he wanted for me,
40:32 of what other people wanted.
40:35 But the truth only came out when I had a conversation about it.
40:40 Those uncomfortable conversations are the ones we really need to have.
40:46 If he thought that my happiness was important,
40:50 then maybe it was important.
40:53 Maybe happiness is important.
40:57 What I found when my life fell apart,
41:01 when that painting of my life lit on fire,
41:05 I found something I never expected to find.
41:09 I found a masterpiece.
41:12 I found the part of me that knows the truth,
41:16 that never veers from the truth.
41:21 I found my soul.
41:24 And whether you call it that for yourselves,
41:28 know that that voice inside of you
41:31 is the voice that knows what's right for you.
41:35 [Music]
41:39 [Music]