After Channel 4's The Last Leg presented home secretary Suella Braverman with the "Dick of the Year" award, we thought we'd have a go at handing out some awards ourselves...
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00:00 This is Home Secretary Suella Brafman receiving her award from Channel 4's The Last Leg for 2023 Dick of the Year.
00:09 It's a fantastic moment and arguably the funniest thing to happen on telly all year.
00:14 That and the BBC middle finger lady.
00:16 But it gave us an idea. If Channel 4 could hand out random awards willy nilly, why can't we?
00:22 Instead of the usual boring prize givings, let's do categories that actually matter.
00:27 Categories people care about, like 'Why do you have to ruin everything you touch' of the year, 'Career Ender' of the year,
00:35 and our top gong, the Chris Martin 'Adventure of a Lifetime' award.
00:39 So welcome everybody to the 2023 Worldies.
00:42 The video that will get me either made redundant or cancelled.
00:46 Again.
00:47 A quick disclaimer before we start.
00:50 This is just a bit of fun.
00:52 It's a tool just to laugh.
00:54 Please don't take legal action or threaten us or take it seriously.
00:59 No one cares.
01:00 Our first prize is the Worldie for Best Actor.
01:04 The award that goes to the person we feel was the best this year at playing pretend.
01:09 There are several nominees for this category.
01:12 From Russell Brand pretending in September that everything was basically totally okay.
01:16 To Nella Rose pretending to be a total s*** in I'm a Celeb.
01:20 In fact, she was so good at it that she even tricked herself into believing it.
01:24 That's method acting right there.
01:26 Heath Ledger would be proud.
01:28 But the winner of the Worldie for Best Actor goes to Boris Johnson for his performance at the COVID inquiry.
01:35 Where he not only pretended to care about the people that died in the COVID-19 pandemic,
01:41 but also played dumb when he was asked how a mobile phone works.
01:45 Was it you, if that was a factory reset that was done, was it you that tried to reset the phone or not?
01:51 Factory reset.
01:53 Look at him go.
01:54 A man who is so good at playing pretend he managed to convince an entire f***ing country
01:59 to make him Prime Minister while playing the role of a moron.
02:02 Congratulations on your award, Mr Johnson.
02:05 I hope it makes you very happy.
02:07 Our next Worldie goes to the most business savvy man on the planet.
02:11 Country singer Luke Coombs has become a household name over the past couple of years
02:16 with a global stadium tour doing the absolute business.
02:21 He's making stacks and living his best life.
02:24 But some people are trying to leech off of it.
02:27 Lukeyboy has a company looking out for his copyrights
02:30 and they found a disabled woman in Florida making her own merch.
02:34 Parasite!
02:35 They went after her like a priest in a playground
02:38 and she was ordered to cough up an eye-watering £250,000.
02:43 Coombs has since very kindly removed the disabled Etsy woman from his lawsuit
02:48 and has sent her £11,000 of his own money.
02:52 He didn't even get a mug with his face on it or anything from her.
02:55 That is stonks.
02:56 And so the Worldie for Businessman of the Year goes to Luke Coombs.
03:01 If you ever want to send me $11,000 I will quite happily knit a scarf with your face on it.
03:06 We believe in gender equality here at National World, oh yes.
03:09 And so we've got a second prize here for Businesswoman of the Year.
03:13 We're not going to do Business Them of the Year
03:15 mainly because I want to see what Sam Smith looks like having an aneurysm.
03:18 Yeah, yeah, I'd love to be a fisherman.
03:20 What, like a fly fisherman?
03:22 I'd be any type of fisherman.
03:25 This Businesswoman of the Year has netted herself more cash this year
03:29 than some countries will see in the next century.
03:31 Sierra Leone is envious of her success,
03:34 selling out arenas across the world while becoming Time Magazine's Person of the Year.
03:39 But not only has Taylor Swift made a house shed load of cash for herself,
03:43 she's also propping up an entire sport on her shoulders.
03:47 Oh yeah, who needs Saudi investment funds that are propped up with blood money and traffic gold
03:52 when you can just date a footballer instead?
03:54 Look at this, the Kansas City Chiefs are kind of mid.
03:57 But they are selling out every single game at the moment
04:01 because Swifties are desperate, desperate to catch a glimpse of their queen in the stands.
04:07 She's been to like two games, mate.
04:09 Like, she doesn't know that you're there, she doesn't care.
04:12 But given that the NFL is a sport that pales in comparison to the likes of golf,
04:16 Formula One or even real football,
04:19 there is no doubt that Taylor Swift has made herself a shoe-in for Businesswoman of the Year.
04:25 [Music]
04:31 The next worldie is why do you have to ruin everything you touch of the year?
04:35 This goes to the person, or persons, that make everything they touch turn to sh*t.
04:41 Our runner-up for this category is Wael Sawan.
04:44 You might not know who he is, but you know of his company.
04:47 He is the CEO of Shell, the guys you go to for petrol and Jamie Oliver sandwiches.
04:52 That alone is bad enough, but he is also one of the scumbags who is keeping energy prices through the roof,
05:00 while also reporting record profits.
05:03 Billions of pounds are going into his pocket,
05:06 while 87-year-old Mavis, who lives down the road, is freezing to death
05:10 because she can't afford to put a f*cking heating on.
05:13 But the winner of why do you have to ruin everything you touch of the year is Just Stop Oil.
05:20 Now these guys, you definitely know who they are.
05:22 These are the bastards who are gluing themselves to the roads in London,
05:25 throwing paint over buildings and just generally pissing everyone off.
05:28 They threw soup, tomato soup, over Van Gogh's sunflowers painting.
05:33 Like what the f*ck did Van Gogh do to ruin the climate, you smooth-brained dent heads?
05:39 And sitting in the road, causing traffic jams.
05:41 Like how stupid do you have to be?
05:43 While you're sat there, everyone behind you has got their engines stuck on idle.
05:48 They are sat there, just burning petrol while you sit there in the road.
05:52 They might win this award, but what they haven't won are the hearts of the people.
05:57 Because something beautiful has been happening recently.
06:00 People are counter-protesting,
06:02 others are cleaning up the mess that these window lickers have left behind,
06:05 and some people are just straight up fighting back.
06:08 They tried pulling this stunt in Portsmouth,
06:10 where people get stabbed over a pint of Stella.
06:13 It just ended up getting run over, and getting the snot kicked out of them.
06:16 [Crying]
06:19 [Crying]
06:22 [Crying]
06:24 Let's lightning round the next few awards.
06:26 The worldy for the most boring royal of the year,
06:29 goes to the Princess of Wales for doing f*cking cool this year.
06:32 Still, must be said that's a marked improvement on some of her relatives.
06:36 Well done Kate.
06:37 Comeback of the year goes to Nigel Farage,
06:39 who pipped Jeremy Renner to the post by eating cow tits on national television.
06:44 Good on you Nigel.
06:45 The winner of strangest trend of the year,
06:47 goes to Jasper the Doll,
06:49 who took TikTok by storm by serving as nightmare fuel
06:52 for children who shouldn't even be on social media in the first place.
06:56 Our next worldy is the I declare bankruptcy of the year award.
07:00 I declare bankruptcy!
07:05 This award goes to the person who totally fumbled the bag.
07:09 Lost everything. You get nothing. You lose. Good day sir.
07:13 In second place we have footballer Romelu Lukaku,
07:16 who turned down a move to the Saudi pro league,
07:20 while everyone and their mum was being handed out multi-million pound contracts there.
07:24 Instead, he's still playing for Roma,
07:26 winning no trophies and probably regretting his life choices.
07:30 But the winner of the I declare bankruptcy of the year award,
07:33 goes to Dame Alison Rose.
07:36 The former NatWest boss totally screwed the pooch,
07:38 when she accidentally disclosed to a BBC journalist,
07:41 details of the closing of Nigel Farage's bank account.
07:45 Whoops!
07:46 She announced her resignation in July,
07:48 and awaited her £10 million final pay packet.
07:52 That's a lot of money for messing up right there Scrooge McDuck.
07:55 Instead, NatWest kicked her to the curb,
07:57 and only gave poor Alison a measly £2.4 million,
08:01 putting her on the breadline with the rest of us peasants.
08:05 See you at the food bank Alison.
08:07 I'll hand this award to you when I see you.
08:09 The next worldie is for Career Ender of the Year.
08:12 A prize for the person who went from hero to zero the quickest.
08:17 A speed run of getting cancelled if you will.
08:20 The runner up for this award is Nella Rose,
08:22 for going from well-liked YouTuber to insufferable a**hole on I'm a Celebrity.
08:26 Way to represent the millennial generation there Nella.
08:29 It's no wonder everyone hates us.
08:31 The winner of Career Ender of the Year 2023,
08:35 has to be Philip Schofield.
08:37 Oh yeah, that happened this year.
08:39 It's been a long 12 months.
08:41 After decades on our TV screens hosting the likes of Dancing on Ice,
08:45 The Cube, All Star Mr and Mrs,
08:47 after cementing himself as a national treasure,
08:50 after coming out as gay in an emotional TV interview,
08:53 Schofield decided it was time to crash and burn in record time.
08:57 Before leaving his wife in 2020,
08:59 Schofield was having an affair with a younger colleague who worked on This Morning.
09:03 He was 20 when the affair began, but the two first met when he was 15.
09:08 It all came to a head, Schofield resigned from This Morning,
09:12 and has hardly been heard of or seen since.
09:15 Who knows, maybe this award will be the start of him turning things around.
09:19 And now our final award for the 2023 worldies.
09:22 With how much of a car crash this video has been,
09:25 I don't expect this to happen again next year.
09:27 The final worldie is the Chris Martin Adventure of a Lifetime Award.
09:31 And we have several contenders.
09:34 In third place is Hawari Bin Hashim,
09:37 a deaf and mute Malaysian who decided to climb Mount Everest.
09:43 He's been missing since middle of May when he arrived at Camp 4,
09:48 and no trace of him has been found since.
09:51 I'm all for people with disabilities going out and trying something adventurous,
09:54 I think this might have been pushing the envelope.
09:57 Just a tad.
09:59 In second place we have a woman who we don't actually know the name of.
10:02 She's a 42 year old woman who fell overboard from the 10th deck of a Royal Caribbean cruise ship,
10:09 and lived to tell the tale.
10:11 That is hardcore as f*** by the way,
10:13 and she would have won if it wasn't for this final winner.
10:17 The winner of the Chris Martin Adventure of a Lifetime Award
10:21 is the crew of the Ocean Gate submarine.
10:24 You knew this was coming, don't tell me that you didn't.
10:27 The memes were going pretty hard when this happened.
10:29 Ocean Gate CEO Stockton Rush wanted to go and see the remains of the Titanic
10:34 in his very own submarine.
10:36 So he built one, and cut every single corner imaginable along the way.
10:41 He fired the people who questioned his design,
10:43 he used a Logitech gaming controller to steer his vessel,
10:46 and he made three passengers cough up £250,000 each for an 8 day expedition.
10:52 We all know what happened next.
10:54 Stockton and his merry band of morons,
10:56 plus one child who probably didn't even want to be there in the first place,
10:59 went underwater in a flimsy tin can,
11:02 the controller ran out of battery we presume,
11:05 and the vessel imploded, killing everyone inside.
11:08 Forget Adventure of a Lifetime Award,
11:10 Stockton Rush can also receive the award for Grade A c*** of the year while we're at it.
11:15 So there we have it, 11 awards,
11:17 basically all going to people who don't deserve to win one.
11:20 Will 2024 be any better? Probably not.