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FunTranscript
00:00 [Music]
00:26 Every autumn throughout the country, when the frost is on the pumpkin and the leaves begin to fall, there's something stirring in the air.
00:32 [Whistle]
00:33 Football!
00:34 [Cheering]
00:36 Well, there they are, Grandpa.
00:38 Present state, number one in the nation, greatest team ever.
00:41 Greatest team? Fiddle-faddle.
00:43 My son, when I was a boy, men were men. Iron men.
00:47 Why, them fellers could beat any team in the country today.
00:50 Oh, no. I bet they couldn't beat this team, Grandpa.
00:53 Couldn't beat? Son, that's an idea.
00:57 Let's just see if we can't settle that age-old argument.
01:00 Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're about to witness a game which will definitely decide once and for all which team is better.
01:05 The old-time gladiators of yesterday or the modern gridiron heroes of today.
01:10 Now, here's the number one team of today, present state.
01:13 Here's the passing team, the kicking team, defensive team, offensive, inoffensive, split T, whole T, liftin' T, single wing, double wing, broken wing,
01:21 assistant coaches and trainers, tutors and psychologists.
01:24 The old-timers are warming up across the way.
01:27 Bygones coach fires up his team.
01:31 Win it, do or die, but triumph.
01:37 On the opposite side, present state's coach sets up his players.
01:42 All right, you guys, now remember, when you get out on that field, the eyes of 40 million people will be on you.
01:48 Don't let them down.
01:51 Game time is near.
01:53 The officials are in the center of the field.
01:55 Waiting to meet them is Bygones captain John Hamilton Smelt Smith, the third or fourth--check that, Harry.
02:00 And here are the modern co-captains, Rubble Ballski, Shadow Whiskey, Gin Whiskey, Jones, and Squat Lowsky, all set for the flip of the coin.
02:09 Hello, folks.
02:10 Neighbor Bygones won the toss and will receive.
02:13 The modern press box flashes the news to the whole country.
02:16 Flash, Joe the Toe will come in to kick off for present state.
02:21 Teams are lined up.
02:23 Old-timers ready?
02:25 Moderns ready?
02:30 Joe the Toe kicks.
02:32 Ball comes down to captain Smith.
02:34 Team forms a flying wedge.
02:35 Look at them go.
02:38 They bulldoze across for a touchdown.
02:42 We're six points to the good, folks.
02:47 Now it's seven.
02:50 Hello, hello.
02:51 Call number six calling.
02:53 Hey, coach, try playing over X, Y, Z, seven, eight, three, four, and a half on two.
02:57 Send in team seven with X, Y, Z.
03:00 Team seven.
03:01 Team seven.
03:02 Team seven.
03:03 Team seven.
03:04 The old-timers are teeing up for the next kickoff.
03:06 The whipple.
03:08 And he runs it back to the five-yard line.
03:11 Now, before the huddle, let's go inside the modern huddle while the quarterback runs through his list of plays and comes up with a hot number.
03:20 They break out in squirrel cage fashion.
03:22 Speaking of squirrel cages, friends, a whirling, girvish dishwasher washes while you watch TV.
03:29 Just call Bilgewater 6978462139.
03:37 The ball is given to the ball.
03:41 The ball, where is the ball?
03:43 Oh, the setter still has it.
03:45 Say, that was a fooler.
03:47 Now they're ready.
03:48 The quarterback takes the ball.
03:49 Modern's line charges low, hits the old-timers high up in the air.
03:53 Send in team number 12.
03:55 Team number 12.
03:56 Team 12.
03:57 Team number 12 goes in.
04:01 And team number 11 goes out.
04:05 The ball is off.
04:06 He drifts back, cuts loose, and fires a bullet pass.
04:10 He unfakes the defense out of his shoes, and he's over.
04:13 Out!
04:16 Well, if Joe the Toe can kick the extra point, here's Modern's chance to tie the score.
04:21 Well, there's the gun ending the half.
04:23 And the score is tied.
04:24 Joe's Toe's done it again.
04:26 Let's check the modern team in its quarters.
04:28 Here, battle-torn jerseys have changed, while some are psychoanalyzed.
04:33 [music]
04:35 Others are vitaminized.
04:36 And the whole team gets steamed up for the second half.
04:39 Across the field, the old-timers repair their equipment and refresh themselves for the coming struggle.
04:43 [music]
04:48 We're all set to start the second half.
04:50 The old-timers ready to receive.
04:51 There's the kick.
04:52 It's a long high one.
04:53 It's going over the goal.
04:54 [applause]
04:57 Bygone U gets the ball, and they're 20.
04:59 Now Captain Smith sets himself for the Upsi-Daisy play.
05:02 This is a hard play to handle.
05:03 The ball is passed to Smith, and Smith is passed for a short game.
05:08 Old-timers lining up for the next play.
05:10 It's a new formation.
05:11 Well, they may be trying to sew up the game with this one.
05:14 The ball is snapped back, and everybody's got one.
05:17 [drum roll]
05:19 Captain Smith is detected with the real ball, but Modern makes a much-deserved take.
05:23 [applause]
05:26 Well, folks, the old wagon broke down on that one.
05:29 It's not great, but you can bet your buggy Captain Smith has something up his sleeve for the next play.
05:34 [applause]
05:37 The old-timers lead now 13 to 7.
05:40 And then Team 65.
05:42 Team 65.
05:43 Team 65.
05:44 [applause]
05:45 The old-timers kick.
05:46 Jim Whiskey returns the ball to the 20.
05:48 And now with only seven minutes left, Modern must dig deep in their bag of tricks to win.
05:53 Yeah, hello?
05:54 Scout number 8 calling.
05:56 Hey, Coach, this is it, the perfect spot for play number--
05:59 What? Number what?
06:01 What number are you calling, please?
06:03 [chatter]
06:04 He called you 25 cents for 10 minutes, please.
06:07 [applause]
06:10 You guys got a quarter?
06:12 No, no, no.
06:14 Sorry, Mr. Oligarch.
06:15 [chatter]
06:17 All right, now, let's show that old-school spirit.
06:19 Will anybody lend the coach a quarter?
06:21 No!
06:23 What super scientific razzle-dazzle has the Brain Trust dreamed up for this last play?
06:27 Why, no, it can't be.
06:29 But it is the old-timers' flying wedge.
06:32 [applause]
06:37 Stop 'em, golden cloud!
06:39 [applause]
06:45 They miss the kick, and the score is tied.
06:47 Tied?
06:48 Oh, that reminds me, friends.
06:50 You'll never be tied, because you always win when you own a Whirling Dervish dishwasher.
06:58 Just call Bilgewater 8-4-2-0.
07:04 Well, there you are, son. That proves it.
07:08 Proves what, Grandpa?
07:09 That every home should have a Whirling Dervish dishwasher.
07:12 And I'm going out and getting mine right now.
07:15 [music]