Falling in love - the Joys and the Horrors! || Acharya Prashant
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Video Information:
Context:
Music Credits: Milind Date
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#acharyaprashant
Video Information:
Context:
Music Credits: Milind Date
~~~~~
#acharyaprashant
Category
ЁЯУЪ
LearningTranscript
00:00 Does the person you are with encourage you to read?
00:05 You have to ask, what does he bring for me?
00:09 Roses or books?
00:10 If someone has a stake in making you better,
00:14 that person will push you towards books.
00:16 Books are what we all need.
00:21 What are the things that are going on in your life right now?
00:37 A lot of things.
00:38 So basically, right now I'm 18, I just finished my 12th birth.
00:43 And back when I finished my 10th birth,
00:47 I turned to become a really bad girl in the society.
00:53 So that sort of caused me to loss the loss of my parents' trust in me,
01:02 every single drop of it.
01:03 And they got really scared and they didn't know what I was becoming.
01:07 And they didn't, they tried to understand,
01:09 they didn't know what I was trying to do.
01:12 So they tried to condition me for like two years, like 11th and 12th.
01:16 They took full control.
01:17 And then they said, there are 10 promises you need to keep each and every one of them.
01:21 And it's extremely important that you keep them
01:23 so that you become a better person.
01:25 I tried to understand what they're trying to say.
01:28 They said, so these promises had things like you need to be honest,
01:32 and you're going to be a girl who's happy, who's fun, who's all of those things.
01:37 And many things like that.
01:40 And I didn't really understand any of those promises,
01:42 but I was still made to make all those promises every single day of my life.
01:47 And they kept an eye on every single thing that I was doing.
01:50 And that's how 11th got over.
01:52 Then in 12th, I became a captain in my school because I was so good.
01:56 And it was just so good that I just didn't do, I didn't do anything wrong.
02:01 According to them, I was perfect.
02:03 And after that, again, towards the end of 12th,
02:07 when I was going to write my board exams, I just exploded.
02:11 I didn't know what I was becoming.
02:14 Again, I didn't know.
02:15 Like I was becoming something that they wanted me to become,
02:18 and I was just not able to understand what is happening to me.
02:22 And then after that, I am a teenager.
02:26 So I fell in love with a boy.
02:28 And that was in my dad's office.
02:31 He owns a company, and I was interning there.
02:35 And I fell in love with an employee.
02:41 And I was not supposed to fall in love, according to them.
02:44 But that happened.
02:47 And I said, right now, I'm just going to do whatever feels right
02:51 and whatever that I want to do.
02:53 Because two years, I was forced to be something that I did not want to be.
02:57 So now I was like, OK, it's fine.
02:59 I'm just in love with the boy.
03:00 It doesn't mean anything.
03:01 I'm not doing anything wrong, according to me.
03:05 So I went ahead.
03:07 And yeah, that was there for like one month, until my mom caught me.
03:13 And after that, they caught me.
03:16 And that night, they were like, how can you fall in love with a boy who you've just been with for--
03:23 So before I told him how I feel, I could spend time with him only for one month.
03:28 And I thought it was love.
03:31 And so they told me that whatever that you're feeling right now is not love.
03:35 And the way you make it seem is so cheap and so disgusting.
03:39 So I didn't-- I don't know what they're trying to say.
03:42 They're saying it's not love.
03:43 But so what is love?
03:45 That's a question that I have.
03:48 That's the first question I have.
03:50 What is love?
03:55 Is there really a need to debate whether a particular word can be ascribed to a relationship?
04:07 Right now, the debate seems to be whether or not it is love.
04:14 You're saying it is love.
04:18 They're saying it is not love.
04:21 So I don't know what love is.
04:22 You don't know what love is.
04:23 Should you rather not ask what is it doing to you?
04:26 Even if it's love, let's say.
04:29 Some international agency comes and certifies it is love.
04:33 But if it is not healthy for you, would you proceed with it?
04:40 I don't think so.
04:42 You don't think so.
04:44 Similarly, if somehow many grown-ups just get together and manage to convince you that it is not love but
04:55 Olympus.
04:59 Olympus.
05:01 Olympus happens to be the brand of this.
05:02 So it is not love but Olympus.
05:05 But that Olympus is really healthy for you.
05:11 It nurtures you.
05:13 It gives you life.
05:14 Would you drop Olympus because it is Olympus and not love?
05:18 So it's not about the name, right?
05:21 We have to get real and find out what is this relationship doing to us.
05:30 The name doesn't matter.
05:33 So what is the relationship doing to you?
05:36 Makes me feel good.
05:41 Does it just make you feel good as you are?
05:45 Or does it turn you into a better human being?
05:49 Because to set the background, we all have our likes and dislikes.
06:02 Must we pay a lot of attention to and give a lot of importance to what we like and dislike?
06:12 Or must we rather focus on that which we may like or we may dislike but is really useful?
06:30 So love that feels good or a relationship that feels good
06:34 is not necessarily something useful.
06:39 Pizza feels good.
06:45 We know it's not very useful.
06:49 Is the relationship really elevating you, advancing you in some sense?
06:59 In a sense? I don't think so.
07:08 Okay. Are you able to look at yourself and the world
07:13 with more clarity and maturity after this relationship?
07:21 Not yet. No, not yet.
07:24 Then there is not much to it.
07:29 I'm not saying it's evil or something.
07:30 It's not significant. It's just one of those things.
07:35 And that does not mean that you have to necessarily drop the boy or something.
07:41 One can just be, you know.
07:44 I told him what happened and I told him that I'm choosing to take a break from this and probablyтАж
07:52 And they said that itтАж So when my parents told me that
07:57 what you're feeling right now is not love and it's cheap and it's disgusting,
08:01 they also told me that right now wait, find yourself first and maybe then go ahead and
08:08 start a relationship because right now if you do that you might lose yourself in the process.
08:12 So they said find yourself.
08:17 No, you cannot find yourself just all of a sudden.
08:20 Even finding yourself requires that you investigate your relationships.
08:26 This self-knowledge cannot come to oneself except by looking at the stuff one is related to.
08:35 Self-knowledge cannot happen in a vacuum or in isolation.
08:40 You see, it's alright. You are a human being.
08:48 You can relate with some other person.
08:52 There is nothing disgusting or offensive about it as such.
08:56 But yes, there is no particular need to call it love.
09:06 Because love has cultural associations.
09:10 It somehow becomes a big thing in the eyes of many people the moment you say it is love.
09:21 One teenage girl, one teenage boy, obviously they can talk to each other,
09:25 they can hang out with each other. It's okay.
09:28 Be mindful of what the company of that person is doing to you.
09:34 Be very very alert about that and equally alert if you really
09:41 wish well to that person, that boy, what your company is doing to him.
09:49 Is it a good investment of your time when you are with him?
09:53 Or could you have expended your time in a better way?
09:56 What kinds of thoughts does that person introduce in your mind?
10:01 What kinds of thoughts do you induce in him?
10:05 Are you becoming more insecure or are you getting more rooted in yourself?
10:13 Have feelings of jealousy and possessiveness started occurring to you or to him?
10:19 You have to be alert about these things.
10:24 You have to see how your mind is being impacted in that relationship, in the company of that person.
10:33 If the impact gives you peace, if the impact enables you to look at everything with a clearer
10:42 right, proceed. If not, then you should reconsider. But there is no need to
10:51 turn it into a taboo or a stigma. It's okay. Just as he can talk to him and
11:07 she can talk to him, you too in God's universe have all the rights to talk to and be with
11:17 anybody you prefer. It need not even be a human being. If you want to be palli with
11:25 a dog or a crow, that too is your sovereign right. Nobody can infringe upon it.
11:32 Okay, so this is next part also. So I just took their advice and they said find yourself. I just
11:39 took their advice. I knew I needed a break from this because he's taking up a lot of my attention.
11:43 So I told him I need a break. I'm sorry I'm doing this to you. But because he was really broken,
11:51 broken in the sense he called me and then he's like, so I called him. So this happened on Monday
11:58 and Tuesday I called him and I said all of this has happened and I think we can just be friends
12:03 for now. I just need some time and I need to figure things out. So he did this really personally
12:08 and I didn't call him for the, I didn't call him for the, just like Wednesday, Thursday, Friday,
12:15 I didn't call him. And then he called my brother today and he said please make, so I don't have a
12:20 phone. He has my brother's number. So he called my brother today and then he said please make her
12:25 call me. I need to talk to her. So I picked up the phone and I spoke to him and he's like how can you
12:32 be so selfish? You're just thinking about yourself. This is in spiritual language attachment
12:40 and this is not good for the mind. I'm surprised at how early even teenagers pick up all these
12:54 things. They're supposed to be in the adult's zone. All these things, you broke my heart, I'm missing you,
13:06 stalking, calling, calling somebody's brother.
13:12 Anyway, it's not about age. It's about the fundamental human tendency.
13:20 That's what is called the ego. The ego needs something to cling to. This is attachment.
13:25 So a relationship per se is neither good nor bad. You have to see what that relationship
13:34 comprises of. Now this relationship seems to have a strong flavour of attachment. That's a problem.
13:42 It's a big problem. I realised that's why I wanted to drop it and I told him that.
13:47 You don't really have to drop it in a cruel way. So I told him that we can just be friends.
13:53 Yes, that's right. And even now he's like how can you do this to me? But what are you doing to him?
13:58 That I'm just being friends with him and he can't take it. That's no offence.
14:02 That's no cruelty upon anyone. I told him that this does not have to just be... Then you have to see
14:13 what all this implies. Where is it that the fellow is seeing a difference
14:23 between just being friends and being more than friends?
14:27 Then you will probably see the role of lust as well.
14:33 And then you will come upon another aspect of ego. It is very, very body identified.
14:43 And because it is body identified, it looks at the other as a body. And that is not love.
14:52 When you look at the other as a body, then you are motivated to consume the other's body.
15:01 And that's why you won't like it when the other one tells you we are just friends.
15:10 You want to be more than friends. You want to get into probably the physical aspect of it.
15:17 And again, there is no need to just denounce it or ridicule it or condemn it. It's an opportunity to
15:27 understand it. It's an opportunity to see how we are as human beings. And we all are like that.
15:34 Man, woman, young, old, even a newborn kid has the same tendencies. Some of them may surface later
15:42 on, but all of them are present even in the kid. So just be very alert. Be on a watch out.
15:54 So what am I supposed to do?
16:00 That is one question that I never answer. That's something that each one of us must figure out for
16:06 herself. Once you know that the other is operating from base tendencies, do you want to encourage him
16:17 further? You don't want to encourage him, right? Because if you encourage him, it would be bad for
16:23 both you and him. Once somebody is in the grip of attachment, then his consciousness keeps falling.
16:31 He keeps becoming more and more vulnerable to all the bad things.
16:36 So you don't want to encourage attachment in somebody, right?
16:46 Friendship is about wishing the other well. So do things that would probably
16:56 help him get out of the attachment. Don't do anything
17:01 that would be a cause of misery for both the parties.
17:08 Okay?
17:14 [Music]