Sarah Suzuki recounts how an unfortunate event was the cosmic push she needed to start embracing her fear.
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00 How many of you have ever pressed the elevator door close button?
00:04 [laughter]
00:06 And how many of you press the door close button even though you realize it's deactivated?
00:12 [laughter]
00:13 So building engineers actually have the buttons light up because research shows this gives us a feeling of control.
00:20 But sometimes all of our actions end up being door close buttons, ones we press even though it's false control.
00:27 See, my childhood fantasy was about control.
00:31 I grew up in two very different households.
00:34 One was loving and safe, the other was chaotic.
00:39 A five-year-old watching her father pack boxes from the stairwell, not knowing the meaning of the word divorce.
00:47 An eight-year-old visiting him at the psych ward.
00:52 A ten-year-old begging him not to drink.
00:56 A fourteen-year-old grabbing the steering wheel after he falls asleep after picking her up from the eighth grade dance.
01:04 This made me obsessed with problem solving.
01:07 I kept thinking that if I could just solve the chaos, then I'd be okay.
01:12 You can tell something bad is about to happen, right?
01:15 If I paused even once, I might have asked myself, "Are my actions lining up with my values?"
01:22 But I didn't pause, I just kept pressing the door close button.
01:27 One Sunday morning, I'm riding my bike to work.
01:29 I'm about to clear an intersection when an SUV runs a red light and hits me at full speed straight on, boom.
01:36 The ambulance brings me to hospital.
01:38 There I am, surrounded by people I know, co-workers like Dorothy waking up in Kansas.
01:44 The concussion has left me unable to think. I can't solve anything.
01:50 So, at home on medical leave, it's just me and my fear hanging out.
01:56 There's my fear of failure, sprawled out on the couch like a terrible roommate.
02:01 And so I turn to my fear and I say, "Why won't you just leave me alone?"
02:06 And my fear shows me this vision.
02:08 I see my body on the road the day I was hit, and I look at this body, this life,
02:15 and I realize that if I had died that day, I would have been ashamed of how I was living.
02:21 Completely defined by fear. One, fill in the blank, after the next, door close.
02:29 So then I look at my fear sitting beside me, and I don't see a roommate.
02:34 I see a scared little girl trying to figure things out.
02:38 This terrified girl trying to protect me, an adult,
02:42 and all I've done is beaten her down, ignored her.
02:46 And that's when I decide to listen to her story.
02:50 Me, the adult me, had created a life of chaos for that little girl.
02:56 I was her worst oppressor, far worse than the memories she had survived.
03:04 So then I imagine turning to this girl and embracing her, acknowledging her strengths.
03:10 For the first time, I see her, I appreciate her, and I hold her close. This fear.
03:16 I want you to listen to your story. Identify your fear.
03:21 It starts with the words "I am."
03:23 I am a fraud, a failure, not good enough, unworthy.
03:26 Face your fear and say, "Thank you for trying to protect me."
03:30 Fear can be like a blizzard, blinding.
03:33 But when we face our fear with self-compassion, we contain it like a snow globe.
03:38 Something you can pick up, examine, and set down whenever you wish.
03:41 That's radical control.
03:44 Each of you have amazing gifts waiting to be shared.
03:48 Our world needs your love, your creations, your gifts.
03:53 Imagine who you can become if you love your fear.
03:57 [Music]