It is rare that an momentous occasion will go without any hiccups, and unfortunately for Michael Hing, he experienced it | dG1fNkdCTElyVlRrV1U
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00:00 Hey everyone, I'm Michael, it's nice to be here.
00:06 How's this?
00:07 I did a DNA test recently, which isn't that weird, but it's weird because my parents bought
00:12 it for me.
00:13 That's strange, right?
00:14 It was an ancestry test I sent away, got my results back, turns out that I am 94% Chinese,
00:23 which is not a huge surprise.
00:24 There were some clues.
00:28 But it also told me that apparently I'm 6% what it described as Northern European, European
00:33 or white.
00:34 I didn't know that about myself, but I've got to say I'm okay with it, obviously, even
00:40 though I'm not.
00:41 Well, the reason I'm not okay with it, right, is because I saw that, 6% white, and it did
00:47 make me think that 6% of the racism I've received in Australia was unnecessary.
00:52 You know what I mean?
00:54 Like 3 out of 50 of the Ching Chong Chinamans I've been called, that was inaccurate, you
00:59 know?
01:05 Doesn't just tell you your ancestry, it also tells you some medical information.
01:08 It turns out that I have an AG genotype on an OPRM1 receptor, which means that I am particularly
01:14 susceptible to heroin addiction.
01:16 Yeah, I mean, I wasn't planning on doing heroin, but now I figure like I can't because I'm
01:22 too good at it, you know what I mean?
01:24 Like it wouldn't be fair to everyone else.
01:26 And I saw that AG genotype, OPRM1 receptor, susceptible to heroin addiction, I'm not proud
01:33 of this, but my first thought was, I bet you that's from the white side of the family,
01:36 you know what I mean?
01:39 Because, you know?
01:41 That's a joke, obviously, that's a joke, don't get offended.
01:44 Chinese people love heroin as well, although we prefer opium, I guess.
01:48 That's why they call it China White, actually.
01:54 I guess we've all been having dark thoughts recently, you know?
01:57 I was watching a documentary during lockdown, right?
01:59 And the documentary was trying to discover which corporations have done the most to help
02:03 the environment, right?
02:04 And I had a lot of theories, some people thought it was like a solar company, others thought
02:08 it might be a wind company.
02:09 I have my own theory.
02:11 I think the company that's done the most to help the environment and fight climate change
02:14 is probably a tobacco company, right?
02:17 Because obviously they, you know, plant a lot of trees, you can't deny them that.
02:22 But also I think it's a tobacco company, because I genuinely believe the best thing that any
02:26 of us can do for the environment is kill a human being.
02:33 I'm not saying morally we should, I'm just saying, where's the problem?
02:36 Like, you're going to have to get rid of some of us, and by that logic, the sheer numbers
02:39 tobacco companies are putting out, you know, it's morally reprehensible, but it is commendable
02:43 environmentalism.
02:44 I feel like I've lost some of you, so let me just explain it to you.
02:49 Let me just explain it to you mathematically, okay?
02:52 Just say you do a murder, and I hope you never do a murder, okay?
02:56 But just say you do a murder, you kill this guy, right, and then he stops emitting carbon,
03:00 that means technically the rest of your life, it's carbon neutral.
03:04 Do you understand?
03:07 Like that's incredible, right?
03:08 I mean, like, if you do a murder, right, that guy stops emitting carbon, he'll emit quite
03:13 a bit of the cremation, obviously, but after that, you can live your entire life guilt-free,
03:18 you know, every time you drive, guilt-free, I mean, not entirely guilt-free, you've done
03:21 a murder, that'll haunt you till the end of your days, obviously.
03:24 If each of us just does one murder, the entire planet could be carbon neutral, do you understand?
03:32 That is within our grasp.
03:37 If you kill someone younger than you, that's actually carbon credits, that's how that works.
03:41 Thanks, everyone, I'm Michael Higgins, cheers.
03:44 Thanks for coming.
03:45 Thanks for having me.
03:46 Thanks for having me.
03:46 [applause]