The actress opens up in her new memoir, 'Thicker Than Water,' about her parents omitting the information in order to keep quiet about their fertility problems
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00:00 One of the things that happens
00:01 whenever somebody reads the book,
00:03 they immediately start telling me their family secrets
00:06 because every family has them.
00:08 And I love that.
00:12 It's a lot to hold space for.
00:15 Like, "Oh, I got a lot of secrets now."
00:18 But I'm so grateful 'cause there is this phrase,
00:22 you're as sick as your secrets.
00:24 And I think there is some truth to that,
00:25 that there's so much healing and liberation in truth
00:30 and in not feeling like we have to hide.
00:32 We need to talk to you.
00:38 That simple six-word text message
00:40 changed Kerry Washington's life forever.
00:43 The award-winning actor, director, producer, and activist
00:46 spoke to her parents and learned that they had used
00:48 a sperm donor when conceiving her.
00:50 The revelatory news that she was not
00:52 her father's biological child
00:54 sent Kerry on an emotional journey of self-discovery
00:57 that she's sharing in her new memoir, "Thicker Than Water."
01:01 I feel like I kind of got tricked
01:03 into writing this memoir because
01:05 originally I was on a show that was coming to an end
01:10 after seven seasons.
01:11 And my original idea was to write a book
01:14 about all of the things that that character taught me.
01:17 Because she did, she really changed my life.
01:19 And being on that show changed my life.
01:22 And so I sold this book idea that was like,
01:23 "All the things I learned from that experience."
01:26 But right before I sold the book
01:30 is when I got some really revelatory information
01:33 from my parents about our family history
01:36 that really turned my world upside down.
01:41 And so every time I would sit down
01:42 to write this other book idea that I sold,
01:45 I just couldn't write it.
01:46 It just didn't feel honest to write about anything
01:50 other than kind of the mental, emotional journey
01:53 that I found myself on.
01:55 Eventually I wound up confiding in my editor
01:58 why I couldn't write that original idea
02:00 because I was on this other deeply personal journey.
02:03 And she was like, "Why don't you write that book?"
02:07 And so at first I didn't think I could.
02:09 And then I decided to try
02:10 because I thought maybe writing that book
02:12 will actually help me make sense
02:13 of some of the ideas that I'm grappling with
02:16 and some of the memories and concepts and perspectives
02:20 that I was sort of swimming through.
02:23 So I thought maybe I'll write it for myself
02:25 and if it feels like something I can share, I will.
02:28 And so here we are.
02:29 I think there were so many times
02:36 when I was writing this book that I thought,
02:38 I can't do this.
02:41 I cannot put this in writing.
02:44 I cannot share these things.
02:48 But also as I thought about it,
02:51 I feel like the times in my life that have been most painful
02:56 have been the times when I've been having a hard feeling
03:00 and also feeling alone in that feeling
03:04 and feeling like I'm the only person who feels that way.
03:07 Like that for me has been like doubling down
03:10 on the suffering.
03:10 So I guess, you know, when I got this new information
03:17 about my family, I just thought I'm done with secrets.
03:20 Like I'm done hiding.
03:22 I don't wanna hide anything anymore.
03:25 I just want to be able to have my story
03:31 and live my life
03:33 and not hold on to shame or fear
03:38 or worry about how I might be judged.
03:43 I just, I wanted to really be in my truth.
03:46 (gentle music)
03:47 I have this extraordinary team of people out on the search
03:51 looking to help me fill in the gaps of who I am.
03:55 But in the absence of that knowing,
04:01 I get to just kind of continue to do this deep dive into me
04:08 and into the gratitude for the extraordinary parents
04:15 that I was born to.
04:16 I got really lucky.
04:18 My parents are really, really special people.
04:22 And I think the most important thing
04:25 that I learned in writing the book
04:28 is that I really, really, really believe
04:32 that my parents did the best they could.
04:35 And I think I'm really lucky because of that.
04:38 That doesn't mean they were perfect.
04:41 It doesn't mean that I didn't grow up
04:44 with a lot of issues to unpack and unfold and heal from.
04:49 At some point, we have to accept
04:52 that our parents do the best they can,
04:53 and then we have to fill the gap by parenting ourselves
04:57 and becoming the adults we want to be.
05:01 But if anything, I think I knew,
05:04 I always knew how much my parents loved me.
05:10 I was so aware of how wanted I was.
05:14 And I hope that my kids know how loved they are
05:19 and how wanted they are.
05:20 I know I'm not a perfect mother.
05:24 I'm fully ready to pay for lots of therapy
05:28 for any kid who asks for it in our family.
05:32 And they deserve that, right?
05:35 'Cause I'm not perfect.
05:36 And I also think when I look back at the ways
05:40 that my parents weren't perfect,
05:42 that's part of the gift of who I am.
05:45 My superpowers come from the places
05:49 where my parents struggled.
05:51 There were things I learned to survive and exist
05:56 and flourish in my household
05:58 that have become my greatest gifts.
06:00 And so that's probably gonna be true for my kids too.
06:03 I'm sure there are ways that I am still really screwed up
06:08 and dealing with the stuff that's happened to me,
06:10 but I know that each generation that comes after me
06:15 will continue to evolve and adapt
06:19 and that their particular challenges in life
06:23 will lead to their particular gifts as well.
06:26 (upbeat music)
06:29 (upbeat music)