10 Video Games You Loved As A Teen But Should Never Play Again
O.G. Tomb Raider is a tough sit.
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00:00 Our developing years as humans are something that are at once terrifying, exciting, hilarious,
00:05 and eye-opening.
00:06 It's a time period that will help define who you are, where you're allowed to go
00:10 crazy, where you're allowed to make mistakes, to live life as if it was going out of style,
00:15 and more often than not, make awful fashion choices that you'll look back on and cringe
00:19 hard at.
00:20 And as you grow, your tastes will change, you'll look at life in a different way,
00:24 and you'll likely find things that you loved back in the day simply do not hold up today.
00:29 So what we're going to do, and with all of the nostalgia tint rubbed from our eyes
00:34 today, is look at some video games that we absolutely adored as jubilant, rose-faced
00:39 youths, but now, for reasons that I shall explain, are best left alongside the memories
00:44 you have of getting an embarrassing boner in French class and then being called to the
00:47 front.
00:48 But this is my Dime Jules, this is WhatCulture.com, and these are 10 Video Games You Loved As
00:52 A Teen But Should Never Play Again.
00:54 10.
00:55 Real Life Extreme Beach Volleyball
00:57 Jigglebones, chest hams, the wobble pots, breasts are everywhere in video games, and
01:03 thanks to developers of anime titles and directors who love mountainous mammaries, we have a
01:08 slew of games that are packed to the rafters with pixelated lady pairs.
01:12 And some would argue that leading the charge are developers Tecmo, who became known for
01:16 their, um, realistic jiggling breasts.
01:19 Honestly ladies, or should I say the three ladies that watch this channel, would such
01:23 a jiggle be damaging in real life?
01:25 Please let me know.
01:26 And the culmination of all of this has to be Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball,
01:29 a surprisingly well made volleyball game that's nevertheless a shameless excuse to titillate
01:34 horny teenage oiks.
01:36 An entire department was devoted to engineering the game's breast physics, and while developer
01:41 Team Ninja at least had the decency to give players a solid sports title amidst all the
01:46 sexiness, this is a game that you never want to be caught playing nowadays.
01:50 And I'm saying that as a man who owns all of these tittles, I mean titles.
01:53 Trust me, I've never shut off a game quicker than when my missus sees me playing this,
01:56 and that is with good reason.
01:59 9.
02:00 Mortal Kombat
02:01 Ay now, ay, ay now, put it down, put it down.
02:03 Yes, the 1992 Mortal Kombat game birthed an iconic media empire and will always have its
02:09 place in history for that reason, but, if we're being honest, the original game does
02:13 not hold up well, like at all.
02:16 Compared to the decidedly superior Mortal Kombat 2 released the very next year, the
02:20 original Mortal Kombat was relatively charmless and a forgettable one once you got past the
02:25 photorealistic - well, at least at the time, photorealistic - visuals, and of course, the
02:29 highly controversial teen-baiting bloodletting.
02:32 The combos were non-existent, and battles were boiled down to low-step, move forward,
02:37 attempt uppercut, fail, cry, go home.
02:40 Don't get me wrong, the kernels of what made this series truly great in the later
02:44 installments are definitely here, but it lacks the over-the-top personality that we know
02:48 and love today.
02:49 8.
02:50 Conker's Bad Fur Day
02:51 Again, I know it's sacrilege to talk about hating on a beloved title like Conker's
02:56 Bad Fur Day, but what you remember as being an uproariously funny, jaw-droppingly crude
03:01 and gloriously self-aware parody platformer is, unfortunately, incredibly tame by today's
03:07 standards.
03:08 With its knowing send-ups of classic movies like Saving Private Ryan, Aliens, and Terminator
03:13 2, Conker managed to lampoon the biggest names in such a way that it made him stand out from
03:18 the crowd of copycat platformers.
03:20 But if you're tempted by the prospect of revisiting the game on the Rare Replay Collection
03:24 released back in 2015, here's some advice.
03:27 Don't.
03:28 Returning to Conker over 20 years later reveals just how far platformers have come since 2001.
03:34 The camera is awkward, the difficulty swings wildly between being so easy a child could
03:39 play it and so frustratingly hard that you figure the game's devs actually hate you,
03:43 and it all boils down to a game that once led platformers and now is falling so far
03:48 behind even acceptable standards.
03:50 Also, given how commonplace meta humour is nowadays, its self-awareness doesn't carry
03:55 the same charm it did in the past.
03:57 But I will say this, a giant poo enemy will always be funny.
04:01 7.
04:02 GoldenEye 007
04:04 If you grew up in the 90s, there's a strong chance that you've got fond memories of playing
04:08 007's ludicrously entertaining local multiplayer suite.
04:11 However, while its map design, weapon choice, and game modes might have absolutely wowed
04:16 you as a kid, things haven't held up so well for other areas of the game.
04:20 For example, its pacing is molasses slow, and the framerate runs at 007 frames per second
04:26 in places, and you know what, let's drag up that age-old argument, the N64 controller
04:31 is unwieldy and doesn't feel right for this game.
04:33 Yes, I said it.
04:34 Sure, it was great for FPS titles at the time, but thankfully we have moved on from that.
04:38 What it felt like was less like you're in control of James Bond and more like you're
04:42 pushing and shoving him down corridors.
04:44 Over 20 years since its release, this is a game that unfortunately, like many in the
04:48 same position, doesn't hold up well.
04:50 It's still rightly considered as a stone-cold masterpiece in what it achieved at the time,
04:55 but it's a shame that Bond is a bit of a chore to play.
04:58 I do hope that this gets a remaster someday, because with modern controls, this could well
05:02 be the be-all and end-all to the FPS question.
05:06 6.
05:07 Enter the Matrix
05:08 Enter the Matrix was released at the height of Matrix fandom, and was a brilliant bit
05:12 of cross-promotion, filling the gaps between the second and third games in a slam-dunk
05:16 of action and over-the-top spectacle.
05:18 Oh, and it also had Monica Bellucci making out with almost everyone in a bit of fan service
05:23 so on-the-nose that it almost broke it.
05:26 However, revisiting the game in more recent years revealed just how much of a rushed,
05:30 thrown-together hodgepodge this truly was.
05:33 Even if you can accept the fact that Neo himself isn't a playable character, the gameplay
05:37 is so arcadey to a fault and seemingly borrows the leftovers that Max Payne didn't think
05:42 were worthy to hold onto, and thanks to a frantic camera, can be annoyingly difficult
05:46 to get through.
05:47 The sheer clunk and chunk of this game turns what should be a power fantasy experience
05:52 into something of a nightmare.
05:54 If you want a slightly better effort, then check out Path of Neo, which, while still
05:57 being wonky as all hell, benefited from a longer development time and allowed you to
06:01 play as Neo, aka the one thing that many players wanted.
06:05 5.
06:06 Mario Kart 64
06:08 Will I ever stop crapping on your favourite kids' games?
06:11 No, I am the mean Jules in this list format today, and I'm going to step on all your
06:15 toys.
06:16 Mario Kart 64, like GoldenEye, is one of the most iconic multiplayer console games of all
06:21 time, because anyone who grew up with an N64 doubtless spent hundreds of hours playing
06:25 this thing with their friends on the couch.
06:27 However, while MK64 is decidedly more playable than GoldenEye these days, in large part thanks
06:33 to its more simplistic controls, it's also aged far more egregiously than many fans are
06:37 prepared to accept.
06:38 For starters, the sprite carts in a 3D environment are an absolute eyesore, but worse still,
06:44 the tracks actually feel so empty and are lacking in detail, especially when compared
06:48 to contemporary games that they might even be considered dull.
06:51 I know, weird, I mean, forward your salty mail to the pits of hell where I clearly live.
06:56 Side note, I do actually think this is a really fun game, but when you're asked to read
06:59 a script, you read the bloody script.
07:01 4.
07:02 Grand Theft Auto 3
07:03 Grand Theft Auto 3 is one of the most important and acclaimed video games of all time.
07:08 I'm not going to do a second one.
07:09 And a milestone for gaming which helped popularise open world sandbox game design, and it also
07:14 elevated the GTA series to a monolithic level of popularity.
07:17 It was also likely a game that a teenage version of you remembers well, as it was edgy as all
07:22 hell, allowing you to murder and commit mayhem until it was time for turkey, twizzlers and
07:26 potato faces for tea.
07:28 But playing this today is sometimes an exercise in frustration, as thanks to the shooting
07:32 controls, or what the game tells you are shooting controls, this game can feel entirely unfair
07:37 in places.
07:38 Well, things get even worse when you realise that there's no mid-mission checkpoints,
07:41 and the fact that there's a lack of a pause map menu.
07:44 It's a massive chore that feels punishing rather than playful.
07:47 Plus, let's not forget the one thing that we never knew how much we took for granted
07:51 until we played something that took it away, the bailout that was added in Vice City.
07:55 My god, was it so annoying to see your car go up in flames only to have to ride that
07:59 thing to hell?
08:00 Do yourself a favour and let the memories be good ones.
08:03 Don't go back and tarnish them.
08:05 3.
08:06 Tony Hawk's Pro Skater
08:08 Jesus Christ, originally this list had Final Fantasy 7 on here, and I'm not going to
08:12 stand here and lie to you kids about hating on that game, so instead I'm going to talk
08:15 about a series that once flew so high, but then came crashing down whilst flipping its
08:19 audience the bird, the Tony Hawk's Pro Skater series.
08:23 If we're being brutally honest, this game really didn't hit the ground running until
08:26 the second and third titles, and that was down to the inclusion of the manual and the
08:30 revert, both of which took the arcadey trick scoring gameplay to new and unparalleled heights.
08:35 So what do you think would happen with these moves stripped away?
08:38 Well, you'd have Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1, that's actually quite boring all across
08:42 the board when you come back to it.
08:44 The locations weren't wild, the graphics look like you're squinting at a bunch of
08:48 ants from a plane, and really the only thing going for it is the soundtrack.
08:51 2.
08:52 Tomb Raider
08:53 There's no refuting the legacy of the original 1996 Tomb Raider game.
08:57 It was a pioneering action-adventure title which created one of the most iconic and beloved
09:02 heroines in the history of the medium, Lara Croft.
09:05 Although any self-respecting PS1 or Sega Saturn owner had to have Tomb Raider, the game's
09:10 cumbersome and sluggish tank controls, ineffective camera, awkward platforming and fiddly combat
09:15 aged pretty poorly in the years that followed.
09:18 Mercifully, the more recent rebooted Tomb Raider titles have deferred to a slightly
09:22 less pointy sweater ham character, and while it might seem that it's chasing Uncharted
09:27 nowadays rather than leading the pack, it does seem to have fixed a lot of the controls
09:30 that hampered the series for a long old while.
09:33 1.
09:34 Silent Hill
09:35 Horror is perhaps one of the toughest video game genres to withstand the test of time,
09:39 and while the first Resident Evil is lovingly ribbed for its goofy one-liners and general
09:44 silliness, that game has endured regardless, because the tone was always akin to that of
09:48 a schlocky B-movie.
09:49 Silent Hill, on the other hand, took itself far more seriously, and to its credit, is
09:54 one of the most atmospheric horror games of its era, jam-packed with shocking body horror
09:58 violence and an unpredictable, unsettling narrative.
10:02 But, you're better off sitting tight with those terrifying childhood memories of playing
10:06 the game, because in 2019, Silent Hill's horrendous controls and janky graphics are
10:11 immensely off-putting.
10:13 Silent Hill 2 was a massive step up for the series in nearly every way, and if you're
10:17 thinking of taking a trip down the memory lane with the original, ask yourself this,
10:22 is that actually fog or just nostalgia blindness?
10:25 Because you might not like what you find lurking within.
10:27 And there we go, those were 10 video games you loved as a teen, but should probably never
10:31 play again.
10:32 I hope you enjoyed that, my friends, and remember, it's just a bit of a silly list.
10:35 I know that a few of you on there are probably going to be smashing away at the keyboard,
10:38 saying "I don't agree with this, this is the best game I've ever played" and you
10:42 know what, that is fine.
10:43 That is absolutely fine.
10:44 I'm allowed to have my opinions and you're allowed to have yours.
10:46 Don't come up to me at a convention and tell me I'm wrong.
10:49 You know what, my friend, my differing opinion to yours is not going to change the way that
10:52 I want to end this message, with a bit of love from me to you.
10:56 I hope you, yes you listening to this list, go out there and have a great day, because
11:00 you deserve love, happiness and success.
11:03 We all do, and I hope that you are treating yourself as fairly as you possibly can.