Credit: SWNS
Britain's first openly transgender prison officer says returning to work was 'scarier than getting a plane to Iraq' - but the reaction from colleagues and inmates 'saved his life'.
Jaxon Feeley, who was born as Jessica, came out to his family and friends last year but feared returning to work after beginning his transition.
He took time off work last October, just before he came out as trans, and returned three months later as Jaxon.
Ex-squaddie Jaxon, 28, said returning to work was a scarier prospect than being on a plane flying to Iraq.
Britain's first openly transgender prison officer says returning to work was 'scarier than getting a plane to Iraq' - but the reaction from colleagues and inmates 'saved his life'.
Jaxon Feeley, who was born as Jessica, came out to his family and friends last year but feared returning to work after beginning his transition.
He took time off work last October, just before he came out as trans, and returned three months later as Jaxon.
Ex-squaddie Jaxon, 28, said returning to work was a scarier prospect than being on a plane flying to Iraq.
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LifestyleTranscript
00:00 It is 100% the hardest place I could imagine to transition.
00:04 My name is Jackson Feeley.
00:10 I'm 28 years old.
00:12 I am approximately 12 months into transitioning
00:16 from female to male.
00:17 And I've spent the last year returning to work
00:19 as a prison officer.
00:21 Jess was someone who really, really wanted to be happy,
00:25 but really wasn't.
00:27 I think that's something I've realized recently
00:29 because I had an amazing childhood, amazing family.
00:34 So to me, there was no reason why
00:37 Jess should have been unhappy.
00:39 I've only really accepted and realized
00:41 that I was transgender in the last two years.
00:46 I think I was in denial for a long time.
00:49 It was like I was always chasing something,
00:51 always trying to fill a void, always
00:53 trying to just find something that would make me go,
00:56 that's me.
00:57 This is me now.
00:58 I feel OK.
00:59 And I could never, ever find that.
01:00 It was, I'll buy a house, that'll fix it.
01:03 I'll change my job, that'll fix it.
01:04 I'll move schools.
01:05 I'll leave uni.
01:06 I'll join the RAF.
01:09 I'll do this.
01:09 I'll do that.
01:10 I'll buy that.
01:11 It was always something that was sort
01:15 of an immediate satisfaction, but would never really
01:17 fill that pain.
01:19 I only really started to believe and accept
01:24 that it was to do with my gender in the last few years,
01:28 since I left the military and I came back off tour.
01:30 And my mental health just massively deteriorated,
01:34 and I had to sort of figure out why.
01:36 And then I joined the prison service, which
01:38 sort of filled another sort of void.
01:41 It was in uniform again, and it gave me that feeling of pride.
01:45 And I think a uniform allowed me to hide behind it.
01:48 I started to struggle a lot quicker than I did before,
01:53 even though I was loving this job.
01:54 I was at the point where I didn't want to die,
01:57 but I didn't want to live anymore.
01:59 I think that's probably something a lot of people
02:01 go through.
02:01 And what do you do with that?
02:04 What do you do with that?
02:06 The few months after coming out was
02:09 the worst in trying to navigate that
02:11 and trying to figure it out.
02:13 And I thought, you know what?
02:15 I loved being in the prison service, loved my job.
02:19 I loved the people that I was around.
02:20 I loved what the job entailed.
02:22 It is 100% the hardest place I could
02:25 imagine to transition.
02:28 Regardless of any sort of different protective
02:32 characteristic or anything like that,
02:34 you are sort of under the spotlight for abuse
02:37 because you're in a prison.
02:38 And will I still have the backing of my friends?
02:41 Will people feel comfortable enough to stick up for me
02:45 if it goes wrong?
02:45 And am I just going to end up completely alone and in danger?
02:48 And from the moment I walked back in,
02:51 I was addressed as Jax.
02:54 I made that decision then that I was going to let the prison
02:57 come on this journey with me.
02:58 All these people want to be there for me.
03:01 I need to let them because I can't do it on my own.
03:05 Last week, we put together a transgender awareness event.
03:08 It left people in tears because they watched the video
03:11 that I made and they listened to stories.
03:13 And it made people understand so much more about what goes on
03:18 and why I was such an angry person before
03:23 and why I'm not now.
03:25 And six prisoners there who walked into that event
03:28 with these t-shirts that I'd made on with so much pride.
03:32 And they were stood up tall and they were so--
03:35 they were really proud to be there and support me.
03:37 And it's not often that you get those relationships
03:39 between prisoners and officers because they do just see you
03:42 as a uniform sometimes.
03:43 And it's so hard to break that barrier.
03:46 And I think them seeing me so vulnerable and being open
03:52 and answering questions and teaching them
03:55 about gender and sex and all these things
03:58 that they wouldn't have a clue about,
04:00 it's really changed their mindset.
04:02 And I thought I would just be bombarded with abuse.
04:06 And it's been the complete opposite.
04:11 Allow yourself to be vulnerable and allow yourself
04:15 to take people on the journey with you
04:18 and accept that support because people surprise you.
04:21 And people will be there if you allow them to be.
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