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00:00:00 So what we're going to do, and from Dr. Bailey on talking about generation to generation
00:00:19 to generations, all of it led up to this narrative.
00:00:24 I kept saying to God, I had an opening word, I couldn't get a closing word.
00:00:31 I said, "I won't worry about it.
00:00:32 It'll come to me during the week," because sometimes it does, it didn't.
00:00:37 And when I woke up early this morning, he said, "I want you to spend the final session
00:00:45 talking about winning at home."
00:00:53 We have talked about winning as an entrepreneur.
00:00:59 We've talked about winning through negotiations and business.
00:01:03 We've talked about winning the war in your mind for mental health.
00:01:07 We've talked about winning the spiritual battles that we encounter every day.
00:01:12 We've even talked about winning as it relates to the family, to some degree from a younger
00:01:20 perspective, but from a seasoned couple who wants to impart to you how to survive the
00:01:35 light of the stage you're on.
00:01:39 I don't care whether you got 40 people, we know what it is to have 40 people or 4,000
00:01:45 people or 40,000 people, and light is hot.
00:01:52 It does not allow for you to be human.
00:01:56 The same blood of Christ that floods the altar doesn't run up the steps.
00:02:04 People are fine with you till they find out you have problems like them, and then they
00:02:11 throw you away.
00:02:13 So we quote scriptures like we have this treasure in the earthen vessels that the excellency
00:02:18 may be of God, then we reject the treasure because of the vessel.
00:02:24 We are all dirt people.
00:02:31 Bags of clay filled with glory is all right till you put the light on it.
00:02:39 When you put the light on it, the light itself, the brightness of the light, the brightness
00:02:44 of the glory, the depth of your gift, the very thing that brought you to prominence
00:02:51 can be the very thing that kills you because once people respect you and then find out
00:02:57 you are human, they reject you.
00:03:02 Am I talking good?
00:03:07 So winning at home implies it's a fight.
00:03:14 You can't win if it's not a fight.
00:03:20 Let me tell you something.
00:03:21 I know you're sitting there looking all cute, grinning, sitting beside each other, but I
00:03:27 know you don't grin every day like that at home.
00:03:36 Can we be real for a minute?
00:03:39 You can love somebody that gets on your last nerve.
00:03:42 I mean your very last nerve.
00:03:47 My wife has a box in her bathroom, mama's last nerve.
00:03:52 They can get on your very last nerve.
00:03:54 It is difficult to hold it together and I'll tell you why, because you care.
00:03:59 Because you care.
00:04:01 I can have somebody weird at work or what I deem is weird because I leave.
00:04:08 My time at home is so little that when I do get to get home, that's a big deal.
00:04:17 What happens is when you're miserable at home, you run from the house, which is exhausting,
00:04:26 which means you create work to avoid the fact that you're not winning at home.
00:04:35 Can we be real for a minute?
00:04:38 And when it's stage time, we walk out on the stage, praise the Lord everybody.
00:04:41 Praise the Lord.
00:04:42 Oh, praise the Lord.
00:04:43 Oh, glory to God.
00:04:44 Good to see you.
00:04:49 But the reality is it's hard to raise your children.
00:04:55 I don't care whether you're in the pulpit or in corporate or in business, we are not
00:05:01 winning at home.
00:05:04 We're making the money.
00:05:06 We're climbing the corporate ladder.
00:05:09 We're in the C-suites of America.
00:05:11 We're breaking in and out.
00:05:17 We're starting businesses.
00:05:19 We're starting companies.
00:05:20 We're doing stuff, but it is hard to have a stable relationship while you go after dreams
00:05:29 because everybody wants more of you and you don't always have enough to go around.
00:05:39 Demanding careers of any kind require great focus and great focus is at the expense ... Kids
00:05:48 require great focus.
00:05:51 The more children you have ... I was talking to somebody, baby.
00:05:54 She said to me, "I made it through the hard part."
00:05:58 She said, "They out of diapers and stuff.
00:05:59 I made it through the hard part."
00:06:00 I thought, "Child, don't you get up here and teach that."
00:06:01 You see how everybody laughing at that?
00:06:02 Everybody laughing at that who got gray hair, dyed hair or somewhere in between.
00:06:18 They know you ain't seen nothing yet.
00:06:23 You got to make it through adolescence.
00:06:26 You got to make it through all kinds of stuff that these preachers testified about that
00:06:30 they were drug dealers and on drugs and selling drugs and crack heads.
00:06:35 That was at an earlier age and stage of life.
00:06:38 You got to steer through that traffic feeling like their self-discovery is your failure.
00:06:45 Yeah.
00:06:46 That's true.
00:06:47 That's true, too.
00:06:48 That's true, too.
00:06:49 Whatever they experience, you blame yourself.
00:06:54 If you were busy working, building, doing, going, evolving, then you regret that.
00:07:03 If you're at home all the time, you say, "Well, maybe I didn't give you the right advice.
00:07:08 Everything that goes wrong is not about you."
00:07:14 Everything that goes wrong is not about you.
00:07:16 My wife had to learn every time I come home and I'm not talking, it doesn't mean I don't
00:07:26 like her.
00:07:27 It doesn't mean that I'm mad at her.
00:07:29 Every time I flip out, freak out, get weird, act strange, it is not about you.
00:07:37 You don't need to fix nothing.
00:07:39 You don't need to fix.
00:07:40 You don't need to change anything.
00:07:42 You don't need to fix me.
00:07:44 It is not your job to fix me.
00:07:47 It is not my job to fix you.
00:07:51 It is my job to love you broken.
00:07:57 Because if I can love you broken, maybe I can love me broken.
00:08:01 Absolutely.
00:08:02 If I can't love you flawed, then I really don't love myself flawed.
00:08:10 Talk to us.
00:08:11 Wow, you said a mouthful.
00:08:14 You know, when you said that it's not your job to fix me nor mine to fix you, the thing
00:08:21 that I realized that was most important to you was that I fixed our home.
00:08:28 He gave me a house and it wasn't what you wanted to give me, but to me it was the world.
00:08:36 He gave me a house and then we went to Goodwill and we went to Salvation Army.
00:08:43 That's a long time ago.
00:08:46 This was a ... But you know, it was a long-
00:08:49 I just want to put it in context.
00:08:53 But it's relevant to where we are now.
00:08:56 Absolutely.
00:08:57 Because if you hadn't been able to give me a house, I couldn't practice on making a home.
00:09:07 And so I found out that wherever you are, wherever your heart is, that's your home.
00:09:19 So to me, I had to make certain that wherever you went, you felt like you were still in
00:09:30 a home-safe environment.
00:09:34 And we didn't- let me tell you, I was teasing Sarah because she was one of our WIC babies.
00:09:40 She and Cora were WIC babies.
00:09:42 Jamar and Jermaine were our cost-right diapers with duct tape around them because they were
00:09:48 falling apart.
00:09:50 You don't get to be a home because you've got everything that you need.
00:09:57 You get to be a home because you are committed to creating a space of peace and tranquility,
00:10:07 not just for somebody else, but for yourself.
00:10:11 I often wonder why David was on the rooftop and peeking at Bathsheba.
00:10:18 And I thought, well, the Scripture says it's better to be on the rooftop than dwell in
00:10:23 the house with a brawling woman.
00:10:27 Dr. James helped me.
00:10:28 Could it be that he was on the rooftop because Mikkel was raising-
00:10:41 I mean, you know, they were celebrating David.
00:10:51 He was out killing lions and bears and just going forth and the women were dancing.
00:10:58 And he came home and his wife was complaining because he was celebrated.
00:11:09 How often is your house not a home for either of you because of the rivalry?
00:11:22 The voices from the outside have crept through the windows and made you discontented.
00:11:31 And this is your friend.
00:11:36 You're my buddy.
00:11:38 You my new-
00:11:45 You are.
00:11:47 And I want what's best for you, even if it's not me.
00:11:54 Now I'm going to say, I'm not going to leave the Potter's house.
00:11:57 I'm going to sit in the balcony and roll my eyes and say, but he can preach, but he ain't
00:12:02 nothing.
00:12:03 But let me tell you, you've got to concentrate on making your house a home where you're comfortable
00:12:15 with yourself.
00:12:18 Some people, you don't even like you.
00:12:22 You don't even like yourself.
00:12:25 Not what you see in the mirror, but what life has done to you.
00:12:30 Has broken your house down where the walls are leaning, the steps are collapsing because
00:12:39 you don't like you.
00:12:45 And so you make it miserable for everybody around you.
00:12:51 You act like the couch is broken all the time.
00:12:56 They ask you, where can I sit?
00:12:58 You don't have anywhere to sit because you're so discontented.
00:13:03 And life has dealt a lot of you deadly, lethal blows.
00:13:09 I get it.
00:13:12 But let's do some renovating.
00:13:18 Let's do some renovating.
00:13:20 It talks about us not having anything.
00:13:24 And to me, that's why we're here.
00:13:29 Because it's not the things.
00:13:32 You know, it's not the things.
00:13:34 I like it, but I don't have to have it.
00:13:38 >> So that's the truth.
00:13:40 >> I like it.
00:13:42 I like to get gussied up.
00:13:44 And the Ripley's are here.
00:13:46 They gave me my first designer purse.
00:13:50 All of those are things.
00:13:52 But who I am?
00:13:56 Things didn't make me who I am.
00:14:03 It was the struggle, Pam.
00:14:07 It was the no lights and no water and broken-down shoes.
00:14:12 One of his ex-girlfriends gave me $5 because she saw runs in my hose.
00:14:19 Do you not understand the opportunity that you have at this leadership summit to make
00:14:31 a home?
00:14:34 If you leave here, if you leave the conference, if you leave the arena, one of my childhood
00:14:39 friends is here.
00:14:40 I wish you would jump up real quick, David.
00:14:44 David is here.
00:14:45 His mother is 103 years old.
00:14:48 Here he is.
00:14:50 We went to elementary school together.
00:14:52 His mother is 103 years old.
00:14:56 And I call her once a month.
00:14:59 >> Mrs. Cross.
00:15:00 >> Mrs. Cross.
00:15:02 I call her once a month, not because she needs anything from me or I need anything from her,
00:15:11 but it keeps me grounded.
00:15:15 David reminds me that I was in the eighth grade before we had an indoor bathroom.
00:15:24 Don't talk to me about Yves Saint Laurent until you had to go to the outhouse in the
00:15:29 middle of the night.
00:15:35 So this is Sarita.
00:15:38 This is Sarita.
00:15:40 And all of this gussying up has not shaken who I am.
00:15:47 I know.
00:15:53 I know who I am.
00:15:58 And so, God gave me the opportunity to give this man a home.
00:16:08 So when he went on the road, I wrapped Q-tips up in aluminum foil because I didn't know
00:16:16 hotels had Q-tips.
00:16:21 He needed to feel like he was at home.
00:16:26 I started a little company, and I named it Sarita Jake's Home because it's important
00:16:35 to me that wherever you are, that you have a sacred place where everything around you
00:16:47 can be chaotic, but you can center yourself and dwell in the secret place of the most
00:16:55 high.
00:16:57 You've got to bring your mind in.
00:17:01 You've got to close your mouth.
00:17:06 You've got to be still and just know sometimes.
00:17:11 You don't have to tell everybody, but you just know.
00:17:15 Be still and know.
00:17:17 >> You're right.
00:17:18 You're right.
00:17:19 >> All right.
00:17:20 I'm going to sit on back.
00:17:22 But I just wanted, I just, I get so saddened by the disassembling of families and marriages.
00:17:38 It breaks my heart because we take 30 minutes to say the most important words that you'll
00:17:49 ever say in a commitment for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, forsaking
00:17:57 all others, richer or for poor.
00:18:01 Then this new generation came along, and we want to make our own vows.
00:18:05 You know why?
00:18:06 Because it's easy to break.
00:18:17 It's easy to say, when I saw you walking across the water in the middle of the night, shut
00:18:26 up.
00:18:27 Better or worse, sickness, health, richer, poor, forsaking all others, I'm a cling to
00:18:42 Him.
00:18:43 I know we old school, but it works.
00:19:00 Cleaving isn't easy.
00:19:04 Cleaving isn't easy.
00:19:07 If you watch people on a motorcycle, cleaving isn't easy.
00:19:10 I'm not here to make you feel guilty if you got divorced, getting divorced, going to get
00:19:15 divorced.
00:19:16 That's not what I'm saying.
00:19:17 Cleaving isn't easy, especially in a turn.
00:19:25 Listen at me.
00:19:26 You're riding on a motorcycle, which I don't do, okay?
00:19:29 Toray does.
00:19:31 God didn't call me to that ministry.
00:19:33 But if I went riding with him, you all would suspect things about us.
00:19:40 Because I would be wrapped on that child like glue.
00:19:53 Number one, I didn't even have a childhood, so I never rode a bike, a regular bike.
00:19:56 So a motorcycle is out of my purview.
00:20:00 I was raised by a dying father.
00:20:02 I learned how to run a kidney machine while other people were riding a bike.
00:20:07 And by the time I got up some age and some size and he died, it seemed silly.
00:20:11 He died at 16 to go back and learn how to ride a bike since I missed my childhood being
00:20:16 a caretaker.
00:20:19 So this is a really good illustration to me, only because I would squeeze him until he
00:20:24 turned red and passed out driving the motorcycle.
00:20:27 Because cleaving, for this cause shall a man leave his mother and father and cleave unto
00:20:34 him a wife and they shall become one flesh.
00:20:38 Cleaving is especially difficult on a motorcycle in a turn.
00:20:46 I've been teaching this for years.
00:20:49 We are losing our relationships, not just with our husbands, but with our sons and our
00:20:57 daughters in the turn.
00:21:03 Whether the turn is adolescence or midlife crisis, whether the turn is promotions or
00:21:14 menopause.
00:21:15 Talk to me people, come on, talk to me.
00:21:22 Nobody is talking to us how to stay, watch this, y'all ain't going to like this.
00:21:29 How to stay when you are not happy.
00:21:35 You don't stay married to somebody 50 years and be happy every day.
00:21:42 It's not always whether you're unhappy with them, you can be unhappy with life, you can
00:21:46 be unhappy with what happened at work, you can be unhappy with them, you can be unhappy
00:21:49 with the kids, they can be unhappy with you.
00:21:52 Everything isn't about your happiness.
00:21:59 Cleaving in turns, it's the turns of life, an upturn, a downturn.
00:22:05 The death of a parent can wreck your marriage.
00:22:14 It can wreck your entire marriage.
00:22:17 The death of a sibling, the anytime life twists, the motorcycle turns, if you don't cleave,
00:22:25 this is not a feeling, this is not sex, this is not affection, this is not getting down,
00:22:30 this is not making babies.
00:22:32 I'm talking about lock in because it's getting tough.
00:22:37 Family crisis, we have had all kinds of family crisis.
00:22:41 Like anybody else, somebody talking about our children, how wonderful we are, beautiful
00:22:45 they are, and they are, they're amazing.
00:22:47 I have never been more proud of anybody in my life than I am my children.
00:22:52 Not just the ones you all clap for and see on stage, but every last one of them.
00:22:55 I told my oldest son, I'm not going to ask him to stand because he hates to stand.
00:22:59 I said, "I'm so happy to have you here.
00:23:01 To have my children around me is a reward."
00:23:05 Yeah, it's a reward.
00:23:11 From my oldest son to my baby girl to all the ... baby boy to all my girls in between,
00:23:19 I love all of them.
00:23:20 They're all different, they're all funny, they're all crazy, they make me laugh.
00:23:24 They get together, we can throw a party all by ourself and turn it out, we can turn it
00:23:28 up, we can turn it out, and we can turn it over and we can throw it down, and yet we
00:23:34 are a support group.
00:23:39 If you stop seeing family as family and see it as a support group, it changes your expectations
00:23:48 because some of your expectations were ... Now I'm going to date myself by saying this.
00:23:53 You were born out of Harlequin novels, Love of Life.
00:24:01 You saw things on TV that were scripted and you have become professional at telling each
00:24:09 other what they ought to be.
00:24:11 It's like me trying to tell her how she ought to have a baby.
00:24:16 I don't know nothing about that.
00:24:21 I don't know nothing about that.
00:24:23 I said we was having a baby.
00:24:25 In reality, she was having a baby.
00:24:28 I was watching.
00:24:30 I was going downstairs in the hospital eating hamburgers and stuff like that and coming
00:24:34 up, "We having a baby.
00:24:35 Oh God, we having a baby."
00:24:36 She wasn't running down there getting on hamburgers.
00:24:37 I was holding her hand as if she squeezed my ring into a torturous position in the labor
00:24:49 ward and I'm talking about breathe in and breathe out.
00:24:53 She says, "Shut up.
00:24:56 Shut up."
00:24:57 Her hand spinning around like the exorcist.
00:25:00 You lose each other in the turn.
00:25:05 Stop fixing your spouse.
00:25:11 Stop it.
00:25:12 Stop pastoring your spouse.
00:25:16 Stop analyzing your spouse.
00:25:19 Stop using scriptures to manipulate them into what you think they ought to be because I
00:25:25 married you to be my wife, not my pastor.
00:25:29 I told my wife, I said, "I know you saw this robe.
00:25:32 I'm preaching robes back then."
00:25:33 I said, "There's a man in this robe.
00:25:36 You are not marrying this robe.
00:25:38 I'm not marrying you as a prop.
00:25:40 There's a man.
00:25:41 There's a dude.
00:25:42 There's a guy.
00:25:43 There is a Negro up under this robe who needs attention."
00:25:49 Okay?
00:25:50 I like it.
00:25:51 Yeah.
00:25:52 Yeah.
00:25:53 Come on, fellas.
00:25:54 Don't leave me out there by myself.
00:25:55 Y'all so phony.
00:25:56 Don't leave me out there by myself.
00:26:07 What I mean by attention depends on what age I'm at.
00:26:12 When the young men shout it, they think attention is sex.
00:26:18 When old men shout, they think attention is respect.
00:26:26 You can sex me like crazy, but if you don't respect me like I'm a man ... And that goes
00:26:34 both ways.
00:26:35 Let me tell you something.
00:26:39 There is nobody in this world I respect more than you.
00:26:45 Thank you.
00:26:47 Thank you.
00:26:49 There is nobody on this planet I respect more than you.
00:26:54 I respect her.
00:26:56 She don't ... She had never called me out my name in my life.
00:27:02 Never ever under any circumstances ever called me out on my name.
00:27:06 Disagree with me?
00:27:07 Yes.
00:27:08 Disagree with me?
00:27:09 Yes.
00:27:10 Appreciate what I had to say?
00:27:11 Yes.
00:27:12 Has her own opinion?
00:27:13 Yes.
00:27:14 Set in her ways about her opinion?
00:27:15 Absolutely.
00:27:16 She is not a pushover, but she never disrespected me as a sign of strength.
00:27:24 She never disrespected me when I was disrespectable.
00:27:35 I'm talking about strength.
00:27:37 Strength isn't what you get angry about and flip out about.
00:27:40 Strength is going through turns and hard places together and then balancing out and continuing.
00:27:48 This is true.
00:27:51 This is not therapy.
00:27:52 This is not counseling.
00:27:53 This is not marital counseling.
00:27:55 We got people who can do that.
00:27:57 This is just experience.
00:27:58 Only, only.
00:28:00 It's just experience.
00:28:02 Now my wife does premarital counseling.
00:28:04 She's trained to do premarital counseling, but this is just experience of almost 42 years
00:28:11 at the end of this month?
00:28:12 One.
00:28:13 41 years.
00:28:14 I can't keep up with.
00:28:15 41 years.
00:28:16 41 years.
00:28:17 41 years.
00:28:18 41 years.
00:28:19 41 years is almost like 41 different seasons.
00:28:20 That's true.
00:28:21 41 different seasons.
00:28:22 Everything's different.
00:28:23 Different season, different stage.
00:28:37 What I needed when we got married versus what I need it now is totally different.
00:28:41 What she needs now versus what I need later is totally different, but at our core.
00:28:47 Yes.
00:28:48 She's still re-read.
00:28:50 I am re-read.
00:28:51 Yeah.
00:28:52 My spouse calls me Sidrinky.
00:28:53 Yes.
00:28:54 I'm still ...
00:28:55 See, this is what I love.
00:28:56 Look at her.
00:28:57 My wife ... Fellas, this is what you got to know.
00:29:10 Inside any woman, I don't care what age she is, is a little girl.
00:29:20 I don't care if her hair turns white.
00:29:23 I don't care if she gains a little weight.
00:29:26 If you can find and love that little girl, and if she can feel safe enough not to lose
00:29:35 her little girl, don't lose your little girl, because that's what I married.
00:29:45 What's your little girl?
00:29:46 I didn't marry you degrees.
00:29:47 I didn't marry your hoop.
00:29:49 I didn't marry you because you can play the organ.
00:29:51 My wife can't play the organ.
00:29:52 She sings a little bit.
00:29:54 She told me, she said, "I can't do none of the stuff past what I do."
00:29:57 I said, "I don't care."
00:30:01 I don't care about that because you're not marrying the robe, you're marrying a man.
00:30:11 Absolutely.
00:30:12 I'm not ... She got a business.
00:30:15 She has a business.
00:30:16 She has her own business.
00:30:17 She's an entrepreneur.
00:30:18 She's successful.
00:30:19 It is authentic to who she is.
00:30:22 It is Serena Jake's homes because she is into stabilizing the home.
00:30:27 It's more than candles.
00:30:28 It's more than pillows.
00:30:31 It's being a home for our children.
00:30:32 You know what I told all my children?
00:30:34 I don't care what you do.
00:30:36 I don't care where you go.
00:30:38 I don't care what you become.
00:30:40 I don't care how bad it is.
00:30:41 I don't care how terrible it is.
00:30:44 You can always come home.
00:30:48 You can come home broke.
00:30:49 You can come home sick.
00:30:51 You can come home afflicted.
00:30:53 You can come home shattered.
00:30:55 You can come home broken.
00:30:56 Do not let your ministry make you be the pastor of your house when you need to be the father
00:31:03 of your house.
00:31:04 Your kids don't need a preacher.
00:31:06 They need a daddy.
00:31:08 They need a daddy.
00:31:09 They need a daddy.
00:31:10 They need to know that they can tell you anything, whether it's scriptural or not, and not compromise
00:31:18 your love.
00:31:19 Stop using your love to barter them into behavior.
00:31:22 That's manipulation.
00:31:24 It's witchcraft.
00:31:25 Anytime you withhold your love for me because of my humanity as a way of manipulating me,
00:31:33 you're a witch with scriptures.
00:31:38 By the way, there are male witches.
00:31:41 You cannot manipulate your love and hold it back from me because I made a mistake or I
00:31:49 made an error or I went sideways.
00:31:52 This is where you teach the child how to love shattered people.
00:31:57 Because if we don't teach our children how to love shattered people, we won't be able
00:32:00 to teach them how to love themselves because we are all shattered in some way.
00:32:06 How dare you leave me because I'm broken?
00:32:10 Because as you carry your crippled self out of the house, I want you to understand you
00:32:16 every bit as broken as I am.
00:32:19 You can run from me, but you can't run from yourself.
00:32:23 We're two broken people coming together in a sense of wholeness only because of Christ.
00:32:31 Only because of Christ.
00:32:33 Only because of Christ.
00:32:34 The wholeness that we have is coming from Christ.
00:32:38 The human that we have is coming from us.
00:32:41 The holy and the human cohabitate even when I'm by myself.
00:32:46 I am holy and human.
00:32:50 I am spiritual and human.
00:32:53 I wouldn't need to bathe or I wouldn't need to wash or I wouldn't get diarrhea.
00:32:57 I am human.
00:33:00 We don't like to talk about real stuff, but this is real stuff.
00:33:04 This is where we're losing the battle at our home.
00:33:07 We're becoming more entrenched in our work and our careers and what we're doing in life
00:33:13 and our church building and all of that.
00:33:17 Listen, you can't sleep at church.
00:33:22 You got to come home sometime.
00:33:26 Thank you for 41 years of making it easy for me to come home.
00:33:33 Thank you for being here.
00:33:38 Absolutely.
00:33:39 Absolutely.
00:33:40 We are complete opposites in a lot of ways and exactly alike in other ways.
00:33:48 She's an introvert, I'm an extrovert.
00:33:51 She can't wait to get off the stage so she can go into the seclusion that she nurtures
00:33:59 and festers in.
00:34:01 My wife incubates in spa-like atmospheres with soft music and great candles and big
00:34:08 beds with fluffy pillows and can sleep like Lazarus.
00:34:15 My wife can sleep like Lazarus.
00:34:18 My wife sleeps so good that I looked up under the covers to see if somebody was in the bed
00:34:23 because if I stay in the bed that long, some ... Well, anyway, I've gone too far.
00:34:29 I'm back on track.
00:34:30 You don't have to pray.
00:34:31 I'm back.
00:34:32 I'm back.
00:34:33 I got it, kids.
00:34:34 I ain't going to say nothing else.
00:34:35 My wife act like there is gold in the bed.
00:34:38 She gets in the bed and can have a total experience.
00:34:41 She can sleep all night and take a nap.
00:34:47 I can be tired, eyes red, bags under my eyes and get up stumbling out of the bed because
00:34:54 I got to go do something.
00:34:55 I don't even know what it is.
00:34:56 If it ain't something I'll make something up to do because I got to get out there and
00:35:01 do something.
00:35:02 I get energy in the crowd.
00:35:04 She gives energy in the crowd.
00:35:06 I refuel in the air.
00:35:08 I refuel in the atmosphere.
00:35:10 I refuel by what I do.
00:35:12 She refuels by who she is.
00:35:17 There's no change in that because there's nothing wrong with her being different.
00:35:24 Having somebody who's different from you, if you're not careful, you'll think it's your
00:35:28 job to make them like you.
00:35:34 What I do is watch you.
00:35:36 You watch me?
00:35:37 I've been watching you for 41 years.
00:35:39 I've been watching you longer.
00:35:46 You can take that any way you want to take it.
00:35:52 In this particular case, I'm talking about watching your behavior, watching how you manifest
00:36:00 strength, watching how you handle tired, watching how you face challenges, watching your body
00:36:08 language, your signals, your signs.
00:36:14 What she had to learn about men is we speak in sign language and this is very tough because
00:36:21 women speak in words.
00:36:26 You're very verbal.
00:36:28 We speak in sign language.
00:36:30 We will give you a signal and if you miss the signal, we will be angry about you missing
00:36:40 the signal that we never said.
00:36:49 Where you are trying to figure out what is this about, it's because we talk in sign language.
00:36:57 We communicate in sign language.
00:37:01 Having the emotional language, not just to verbalize a complaint, but to verbalize a
00:37:09 good feeling is difficult for us to do because we were trained.
00:37:17 Big boys don't cry.
00:37:18 Stand up, be a man.
00:37:19 Take it like a man.
00:37:20 Hold it in.
00:37:21 Suck it up.
00:37:22 We train men to be silent and then crave them to speak.
00:37:31 That's why we die quicker than you because we don't talk.
00:37:37 We just disappear.
00:37:39 We internalize.
00:37:42 We just disappear.
00:37:46 After 41 years, about 30 years into the marriage, I realized I married my opposite to balance
00:37:52 me.
00:37:56 I was attracted to her calmness, to her steadiness, to her stability.
00:38:01 I'm like ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping.
00:38:05 I'm like all over the place.
00:38:06 What we going to do next?
00:38:07 I want to go to ... I'm going to take over Disney and I'm going to build Disney.
00:38:08 I'm going to stand on the top of six flags and I'm going to preach on the top of six
00:38:13 flags and I'm going to holler down at the crowd and everybody's going to be standing
00:38:16 there.
00:38:17 My wife has done it.
00:38:18 She's like ... She laughed because she know I'm telling the truth.
00:38:34 The Bible said dwell with her according to knowledge.
00:38:37 You have to know her and you can't know her if you don't watch her and you can't watch
00:38:44 her just to have sex with her.
00:38:52 You have to know that like you, she is a composite and a compilation of everything she's been
00:38:59 through.
00:39:00 Even though we talk above what we've been through and we teach above what we've been
00:39:06 through, we still are a product of what we've been through.
00:39:12 We have triggers and we have issues and we have situations.
00:39:17 Sometimes though you are very verbal about your complaints, ladies, you're not verbal
00:39:23 with your compliments.
00:39:28 You are quick to verbalize what's wrong, but if you want to have a relationship that survives
00:39:35 even with your kids, you also have to verbalize what's right.
00:39:40 I like that.
00:39:41 I like you.
00:39:42 My wife told me, "I like you in blue."
00:39:44 I got so many blue suits.
00:39:48 I got light blue, dark blue, electric blue, iridescent blue, spring blue, winter blue,
00:39:55 blue pinstripes, blue polka dot, blue tie.
00:39:59 She says she like me in blue.
00:40:00 I never paid no attention.
00:40:01 I don't think I look the same in every color.
00:40:03 It don't make no difference, but she says blue is my color.
00:40:07 My whole closet turned blue.
00:40:12 My wife gets dressed up.
00:40:13 She said, "I do not care how many people say I look nice on Instagram or Twitter.
00:40:20 The only opinion that matters to me is what do you think."
00:40:26 When I tell her she is fine, she grins and she sashes out of that house.
00:40:33 She be going out of that house like, "Yeah."
00:40:36 You see?
00:40:37 See?
00:40:38 Okay, I'm back.
00:40:39 I'm back.
00:40:40 Parenting is a calling with no expiration date.
00:40:55 I don't care if my children get 90.
00:41:02 I will always see them as my child.
00:41:07 I don't care how angry I get at them.
00:41:10 I will always find a way to get over it.
00:41:14 I can get into an argument with my children and I will never pull out all my guns.
00:41:20 Now they might disagree with that because I got some cap guns.
00:41:23 It's pretty tough.
00:41:26 But to pull out my AK-47 and let you have it like you're my enemy, I would never use
00:41:32 that even if it means letting you win.
00:41:37 Because I learned that as a parent, your words leave scars so deep that when the emotion
00:41:49 is over, the scar remains there.
00:41:54 You ain't nothing.
00:41:57 You're stupid and you ain't never going to be nothing.
00:42:00 That comes out of emotional rage.
00:42:03 Then the emotion goes away, but the scar and the echo stays.
00:42:10 I didn't know that.
00:42:11 I learned that.
00:42:13 I learned to be careful even when I'm angry.
00:42:19 So if we start going at it, I back out.
00:42:24 I back out because I have the tongue of death.
00:42:29 If I turn it loose, let me tell you something.
00:42:32 I don't know why, but I'm not scared of none of you sisters.
00:42:38 I know y'all got some mouth on you, but I can hang.
00:42:41 If they turn me loose and cut off these cameras, I can go with you wherever you want to go.
00:42:48 I just want you to know I am not one of those men who can't figure out nothing to say back.
00:42:53 I will go up under that weave and snatch them fake eye glasses, them fake eyelashes off
00:43:00 your face and tell you talking about being ... Let me back up.
00:43:07 That's just a sample.
00:43:08 Be ready.
00:43:09 You jump on me, you got to come ready.
00:43:11 Now the Holy Spirit constrains me, but just because I didn't say nothing back don't mean
00:43:17 I didn't think anything.
00:43:18 I will pick which knife I'm going to cut you with.
00:43:21 I will cut you up high and low.
00:43:25 Why?
00:43:26 Why?
00:43:27 Why would I turn that kind of ... No, listen.
00:43:33 That kind of weapon of mass destruction turned on somebody you love is suicide.
00:43:42 If I cut her like I could, I am cutting me.
00:43:48 She is my body.
00:43:52 If she cuts me like that, she is cutting herself.
00:44:03 You save that AK-47 mouth you got for somebody who broke in the house in the middle of the
00:44:10 night and you go rogue on them.
00:44:14 You go rogue.
00:44:15 You go rogue while I'm fighting them because I'm going to be fighting them.
00:44:19 I'm going to be fighting and praying, but I'm going to be fighting and interceding.
00:44:24 I told her be hitting them with lamps and scriptures.
00:44:30 You know why?
00:44:31 We're a team.
00:44:33 We can sort out our feelings later, but up under attack we're a team.
00:44:37 We're a team if she's sick.
00:44:39 We're a team if she's broke.
00:44:41 We're a team if she's hurting.
00:44:43 We're a team if she's in a crisis.
00:44:45 We're a team when she's backed up against the wall.
00:44:47 We're a team if she's in labor.
00:44:49 We're a team if she's bleeding.
00:44:50 We're a team if she's throwing up.
00:44:52 We're a team if she got diarrhea.
00:44:54 We're a team if she's in a wheelchair.
00:44:56 We're a team if she's walking on a cane.
00:44:58 We're a team if she's trying to get up the steps.
00:45:01 We're a team.
00:45:02 We're a team.
00:45:03 We're a team.
00:45:04 If you want to see her be violent, jump me.
00:45:07 I wish you would.
00:45:08 She turns into somebody I have never experienced in my whole life, and the feeling of knowing
00:45:13 that she got my back like that, that she will go to war, she will go straight hood.
00:45:22 I was in an argument with a—you know, I'm telling you, she would—don't let the nice
00:45:31 voice fool you.
00:45:32 She will go straight rogue on you.
00:45:34 I'm arguing with a dude.
00:45:36 He's 6'2", I'm 6'2".
00:45:38 He would have faced off like anything might happen, you know, because it's down in there.
00:45:44 Guess who leaped in between us?
00:45:46 Out of nowhere, I thought wind going to pass me.
00:45:49 She jumped up and said, "No, no, no.
00:45:52 You don't talk to him like that."
00:45:54 She got a fistful of that, and she backed up like this.
00:45:57 I was so shocked.
00:45:59 I was like, I couldn't say nothing.
00:46:01 I was so stunned.
00:46:02 I had never seen this come out of her in all of my life, but I found out.
00:46:08 Let me tell you something.
00:46:10 And I've trained animals, I've had animals, I've had watchdogs and protect dogs.
00:46:15 There is nothing as valid as a female watchdog, because this is a fact.
00:46:23 The male dog will have strength, but that female watchdog will bite you.
00:46:30 She will attack you.
00:46:32 She will go for your throat, and together our property is safe.
00:46:38 Our children are safe.
00:46:40 Our grandchildren are safe.
00:46:42 Our church is safe.
00:46:43 Our vision is safe.
00:46:44 Two are better than one.
00:46:45 If you have somebody to touch and agree with, I don't care how bad you are by yourself,
00:46:55 and there's some bad sisters in this world, but you're going to be better if you let me
00:47:00 have your back.
00:47:01 I don't care how strong you are as a man.
00:47:02 There's something that comes out of a woman that will make you better than you are by
00:47:16 yourself.
00:47:18 So the art of winning at home is the same thing that we offer to the church people.
00:47:26 Guys, we're better to the saints than we are to her.
00:47:36 You got no grace for me?
00:47:44 You got no forgiveness, no mercy for me?
00:47:51 Wait, you got grace for your sons?
00:47:58 I'm somebody's son.
00:48:04 I'm my mama's baby.
00:48:06 Love me like you love your sons.
00:48:11 Love her like you love your daughter.
00:48:16 I don't care what she do.
00:48:19 I don't care what she do.
00:48:32 You can be mad, I understand that.
00:48:34 You can leave, I understand that.
00:48:36 You can walk out, I understand that.
00:48:38 You put your hands on her and I know I will turn into something.
00:48:43 I go right to prison, pick my own cell block.
00:48:49 I will be in prison tomorrow.
00:48:51 It ain't going to be that long.
00:48:53 I don't care how much time they sentence me.
00:48:56 I ain't got to stay that long no more.
00:48:57 I will shoot you in the bottom of your feet.
00:49:05 There's not a woman in this room that doesn't want to feel protected.
00:49:13 There's not a woman in this room that doesn't want to feel protected.
00:49:18 If you don't have somebody in your life that will jump in the ambulance, that will give
00:49:29 you mouth to mouth resuscitation, that will beat on your chest to bring you back.
00:49:36 I don't care what he did wrong.
00:49:37 I don't care how he messed up.
00:49:39 If at the bottom line, that when bad get to worse, if he wouldn't beat on your chest to
00:49:46 wake up your heart, to see your eyes again, he's not the one.
00:49:55 If he was that and he stopped being that, you got to take responsibility at least in
00:50:02 part, at least find out what did I do.
00:50:09 It might not be you, but you got to check that box and create the conversation because
00:50:15 I'm going to tell you something, he won't talk.
00:50:25 Sometimes he can talk.
00:50:33 Sometimes he doesn't know how to talk.
00:50:38 Sometimes he's not confrontational, but the fact that he's not confrontational doesn't
00:50:45 mean that he doesn't have an aspect.
00:50:49 So when he does start talking, stop defending.
00:50:53 I'm going to give you something that this is a mantra I'm trying to live by.
00:50:57 I'm not just talking about marriage.
00:50:58 I'm talking about kids.
00:50:59 I'm talking about grandkids.
00:51:00 I'm talking about the things that matter.
00:51:01 As Warren Buffet said, that if a man gets to the end of his life, it doesn't matter
00:51:06 how much money he makes.
00:51:07 It doesn't matter how many shares he holds.
00:51:10 If he is not surrounded by the people who loved him, by the people who remember the
00:51:16 things that happened in his life, he died broke because you will never see a hearse
00:51:27 being followed by money.
00:51:33 You can't take none of that stuff with you.
00:51:37 You hoes don't follow hearses.
00:51:41 Kids do.
00:51:42 I can't even look at my kids.
00:51:48 Kids do.
00:51:50 They get right in behind hearses.
00:51:53 Grandkids do.
00:51:54 When you're going into surgery, who's going to be around your bed?
00:52:03 You investing in your career?
00:52:05 Are you investing in your children?
00:52:09 I don't care whether they're in the church or not.
00:52:10 I don't care whether they finished college or not.
00:52:13 I don't care whether they did what you wanted them to do.
00:52:15 I don't care if they went out there and did something different that you don't approve
00:52:18 of.
00:52:19 I don't care if they had drag.
00:52:20 I don't care if they broke, busted, and disgusting.
00:52:22 I don't care if they got a girlfriend, a dog, and slept with a cat.
00:52:26 When you get COVID and you're hooked up to a respirator, let me tell you what, girlfriend
00:52:32 is coming in there to wipe your head.
00:52:36 Be glad to see them.
00:52:37 Don't be so self-righteous just because their sin is different than yours that you mess
00:52:43 around and alienate your children and lock them up.
00:52:48 I'm talking about winning at home is not about winning on stage.
00:52:55 Winning at home is about winning at home.
00:52:59 It's not about winning on stage.
00:53:01 It's not about using your kids as props in your play.
00:53:09 If they don't go to church, you're still my son.
00:53:11 If they do go to church, you're still my son.
00:53:14 If you sing in the choir, you're still my daughter.
00:53:17 If you preach, you're still my daughter.
00:53:19 I don't love Sarah because she can preach.
00:53:22 I don't care whether she can preach or not.
00:53:24 I love Sarah because she's my child.
00:53:26 I love her in dirty drawers.
00:53:34 Sorry.
00:53:37 Performance-based love is not winning.
00:53:42 Performance-based love is not winning.
00:53:46 We're tempted in the church to try to script our children for a photo op.
00:53:54 Then if they're not photo ready, you're embarrassed by somebody who would die for you.
00:54:05 What we're saying as we close today is that God wants you to get the victory.
00:54:11 Yes, in the building fund.
00:54:13 Get the victory.
00:54:14 As an entrepreneur, that's wonderful.
00:54:15 Get the victory and get your doctorate degree.
00:54:16 That's wonderful.
00:54:17 Get the victory and climb your mountains.
00:54:18 Get the victory.
00:54:19 The rumor that I don't support women in power is insane.
00:54:20 My mother was a woman in power.
00:54:21 My wife is a woman in power.
00:54:22 My daughters are women in power.
00:54:23 You could not know my daughters and think that because both of them got opinions about
00:54:24 everything.
00:54:25 I have no problem with women in power.
00:54:26 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:27 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:28 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:29 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:30 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:31 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:32 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:33 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:34 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:35 I want to be a woman in power.
00:54:56 I want to be a woman in power.
00:55:20 I want to be a woman in power.
00:55:27 I want to be a woman in power.
00:55:36 I want to be a woman in power.
00:55:42 I want to be a woman in power.
00:55:48 I want to be a woman in power.
00:55:55 I want to be a woman in power.
00:56:02 I want to be a woman in power.
00:56:08 I want to be a woman in power.
00:56:15 I want to be a woman in power.
00:56:23 But rest assured, just because I don't call you don't mean I don't love you.
00:56:26 Just because I don't call you just means that I stay in my place.
00:56:30 I stay in my place.
00:56:34 Are you staying in your place?
00:56:36 Are you standing your ground?
00:56:39 You're talking about buying land.
00:56:44 Are you standing your ground?
00:56:47 Your house is your ground.
00:56:51 It's the ground wire.
00:56:54 Are you standing your ground?
00:56:56 Are you going to give up your ground wire?
00:57:00 No.
00:57:06 No.
00:57:12 Somebody holler no.
00:57:15 Go get your daughter.
00:57:18 Go get your daughter.
00:57:19 I don't care if she's rude and disrespectful.
00:57:21 Be the bigger person.
00:57:23 Don't pull out your AK-47 on her just because she got mad.
00:57:28 Sometimes I have to bite my tongue almost in two.
00:57:31 Because my gut reaction if you come at me wrong.
00:57:35 Or I perceive it to be wrong.
00:57:38 Or it's got the wrong voice inflection.
00:57:41 Because of the multitude of diapers that I change.
00:57:44 I participated.
00:57:45 I changed diapers.
00:57:47 I burped people.
00:57:48 I carried my grown son on my back.
00:57:52 He had surgery and he was in pain and he was crying.
00:57:55 He's 6'4".
00:57:57 I'm old.
00:57:58 I put him on my back like he was a baby because he's my child.
00:58:02 And I was patting on him and trying to help him because I love him.
00:58:07 I flew from Nigeria to get back home to get by my oldest son's bed because he had a heart attack.
00:58:15 I'm going to be there.
00:58:18 Why in the world would I cut you up?
00:58:23 Why would I turn my weapons loose on you?
00:58:27 Even if you turn yours on me.
00:58:32 I'm not saying I won't defend myself.
00:58:35 But I won't go where I could go.
00:58:38 Because once you go where you could go, either them toward me or me toward them, you can't get that back.
00:58:48 Once you start really letting me have it, don't you think I'm sorry it's going to make me get amnesia.
00:58:56 Because I, you know what I'm going to be thinking?
00:58:59 So that's how you really feel.
00:59:02 Which one of you is the real you?
00:59:04 I'm talking about internal conflict.
00:59:09 This is hard.
00:59:12 This is hard.
00:59:14 What I'm talking about is hard.
00:59:16 Winning at home is hard.
00:59:18 The devil would rather you win anywhere than win at home.
00:59:24 Can you imagine being Jesus' mother?
00:59:31 She raised him, she hid him, she moved.
00:59:36 She went down into Egypt to keep them from killing him.
00:59:41 She carried a controversial baby in her womb, even when Joseph was going to get rid of her.
00:59:50 And then she followed him all the way to the end.
00:59:58 And when she came to church, they said, "Your mother's at the door."
01:00:03 And Jesus said, "Who is my mother?"
01:00:09 How do you think that felt?
01:00:16 Yet when he is bleeding on the cross, she is standing there watching him bleed on the cross.
01:00:25 Not just as a person in need of redemption.
01:00:31 She was saying, "He's your Lord.
01:00:36 He's your Savior.
01:00:38 He's your wonderful counselor, your kinsman, redeemer, your day star, your bulwark, your
01:00:44 trumpet, your peace.
01:00:46 He's the consolation of Israel."
01:00:51 Not to me.
01:00:57 That's my baby on the cross.
01:01:04 For you, it's who's going to sit on his right side and who's going to sit on the left.
01:01:14 But that's my son on the cross.
01:01:18 I never know what that feels like.
01:01:21 I don't even want to feel that.
01:01:23 I want to live and die and never see my children bleed.
01:01:32 Some of you have lost your children and you know the pain.
01:01:43 Sometimes we find out too late how valuable people are.
01:01:49 We love them better dead than we do alive.
01:01:53 We come to the funeral screaming over things we should have said when they were living.
01:02:01 When the Bible says, "Neither give place to the devil," it means territory.
01:02:06 Family is territory.
01:02:08 I can't imagine, I can't imagine after 41 years, I can't imagine.
01:02:16 I'm not perfect, I'm flawed, I'm weird, I'm strange, she peculiar.
01:02:25 I can't imagine living without her.
01:02:34 I can't even think about it.
01:02:40 I don't need her talent, I don't need her career, I don't need her money, I need her.
01:02:55 Anybody who thinks she's a prop, you don't know me.
01:03:00 My wife passed out, I almost had a seizure.
01:03:04 Paramedics in our bedroom, they said, "You can fall in the car."
01:03:08 I said, "The devil is alive."
01:03:12 If anybody going to be in this ambulance, I'm going to be in this ambulance.
01:03:16 In case she need me, say something.
01:03:22 Life is hard.
01:03:26 It takes both of you to get through it.
01:03:29 Not perfect you, broken, flawed you is still valuable.
01:03:34 If you messed up, you still got value.
01:03:37 If you blew it, you still got value.
01:03:40 We got to teach this in the house, because if the children don't see this, if they see how easily you can throw people away, when you need them, they're going to throw you away.
01:03:51 You're going to die in a nursing home by yourself because you didn't teach stability to children.
01:03:57 My son tells me, "I'm going to take care of my mama because I saw you take care of yours.
01:04:02 I saw you feed grandma in the middle of the night."
01:04:05 He said, "It's in my nature to be a caretaker because you modeled it in front of me."
01:04:10 Don't you be surprised if you get old and you don't have nobody by your bed because you never invested in winning at home.
01:04:19 I don't care what you build.
01:04:21 I don't care how many millions of dollars you make.
01:04:23 I don't care if you get a billion dollars. A billion dollars can't wipe your mouth.
01:04:27 A billion dollars can't clean your behind.
01:04:30 A billion dollars can't take your temperature.
01:04:33 A billion dollars can't see about you if you in need.
01:04:36 A billion dollars will not argue with the doctors and say, "No, that's my daddy, and why is he dirty?"
01:04:42 And you're going to do something.
01:04:45 [applause]
01:04:53 So figure it out.
01:04:56 Because I believe that family is the gymnasium that God gave us for love to exercise in.
01:05:06 [applause]
01:05:10 That's where you learn to build up muscles and resistance.
01:05:15 And reality necessitates people who end up by themselves don't always fare well.
01:05:24 They don't always get the best health care.
01:05:28 They get tricked by the mechanic.
01:05:31 They have problems with the house and the realtor.
01:05:35 Two are better than one.
01:05:38 I was negotiating for a Volkswagen, and I got up from the table, and the man said, he caught her by herself, he said,
01:05:44 "Why don't you say something to him? This is a good deal."
01:05:48 And you said, "That right there."
01:05:57 When I'm doing what I do best, she shuts up.
01:06:03 She's doing what she does best, and roles depend on value, not gender.
01:06:10 Some people make money, but they don't spend it well.
01:06:13 Other people spend it well, but they don't make it well.
01:06:15 Find out what your spouse does well, what your children do well, and put them in positions to shine, and put your ego to bed.
01:06:25 This is not just about you.
01:06:28 This is not your show.
01:06:30 This is us and we.
01:06:36 So, winning at home, let me tell you something.
01:06:39 I have built churches. I have bought property.
01:06:41 I have bought hundreds of acres of land.
01:06:44 I have negotiated billion dollar deals, I can now say.
01:06:48 I have certainly negotiated million dollar deals.
01:06:50 I have built churches from the ground up, took care of my mother with Alzheimer's.
01:06:55 I've gone through all kinds of stuff.
01:06:59 Building a family is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
01:07:09 I'm not saying it's easy.
01:07:12 I'm just saying it's worth it.
01:07:14 It's worth it.
01:07:22 I am not saying that I am easy to love.
01:07:26 I am not saying that I am perfect.
01:07:30 I'm not saying that I always give you the right answer, or that I always have it together.
01:07:36 I'm just saying that I'm worth it.
01:07:41 And if you don't see that, if you don't see that I'm worth it, then why are we doing this?
01:07:54 If you have devalued me down to being insignificant,
01:08:01 if in all these years I have not proved in some way to be valuable to you,
01:08:11 how dare you discredit my worth with your ambition?
01:08:20 You can still climb up without making me low.
01:08:30 I will clap for you.
01:08:33 I will create stage for you.
01:08:36 I will open doors for you.
01:08:38 I will die for you.
01:08:42 I will do anything for you except let you disrespect me.
01:08:52 Because if you ask a man how he spells love, it's R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
01:09:03 It's not Teddy's.
01:09:08 I'm going to stop because my children, my daughter over there said, "All right, daddy," because she knows I will go there.
01:09:14 It's not thongs.
01:09:20 Okay, all right, all right.
01:09:22 I won't go down the whole list.
01:09:23 I'm not preaching against none of that.
01:09:32 I didn't say that.
01:09:35 My reverend didn't say that out here.
01:09:39 What I'm saying is you spend so much on what's on you, but what makes things last is what's in you.
01:09:51 Am I making sense?
01:09:57 That sister that you can't stand, you need to fix it.
01:10:06 That mother you ain't talking to, I ain't saying you got to bring her all the way into your life, but you need to make peace with that because some of her is in you and you cannot get it out by hanging up the phone.
01:10:25 Everybody stand because we're going to the front lines of fighting for what matters.
01:10:35 Whether you got grown children or little children, you are training them with values that you will reap when you're old.
01:10:46 This is old folks perspective.
01:10:48 You got the young folks perspective earlier.
01:10:50 I was taking care of my mother and my mother who taught me almost everything from alphabets to energy to determination to tenacity had Alzheimer's so bad she couldn't tell an orange from a banana.
01:11:10 I would come home from preaching on the road, get ready, get ready, get ready, all this stuff you all talking about.
01:11:14 I was coming home with apple sauce trying to get mama to swallow, literally in my house while I was building the Potter's house.
01:11:30 And in her final moments of lucidity, the doctor said, if you get where you cannot think anymore, who do you want to make decisions for you?
01:11:41 And I have two other siblings.
01:11:43 She loved all of them, but she reached around them and said, whatever he says, do, do that.
01:11:49 In that moment, I suddenly understood something I didn't understand.
01:11:54 I thought she was raising me to think for myself.
01:11:58 She was raising me to think for her.
01:12:03 Oh my God, that's two different things.
01:12:07 I thought you mean I could end up in a situation where my life's decisions are in the hands of my children.
01:12:18 You better pick up that phone.
01:12:21 You better go to making some oatmeal and sitting up and having some dinners and eating some hot dogs and washing some cars because one day,
01:12:29 I know you don't like her husband.
01:12:31 You don't like her boyfriend.
01:12:32 You don't like the in-laws.
01:12:33 Shut up.
01:12:34 She can't make potato salad.
01:12:35 Who put relish and okra together?
01:12:38 I did.
01:12:39 Shut up.
01:12:46 You're training the last voice that will make decisions about you.
01:12:52 Be sure you made enough investments to reap a harvest.
01:13:02 The other night I came back to the room, I was all tired and I was fishing through my phones and looking at the reports and seeing how everything was going.
01:13:09 I stumbled up where my baby boy had posted the hologram.
01:13:16 A lot of people say this, but he wrote on the bottom of it.
01:13:19 He said, "My father is the goat."
01:13:23 He said, "Fight me."
01:13:30 It wasn't what he said.
01:13:33 It was who said it.
01:13:39 This is worth it.
01:13:43 Be anointed, but it won't replace this.
01:13:46 Be gifted, it won't replace this.
01:13:48 Be learned, but it won't replace this.
01:13:51 Be rich, but it won't replace this.
01:13:54 I warn you, if you don't fix your house, you will suffer beyond what you imagined.
01:14:05 Even if they make you sick and get on your nerves, divorce is painful.
01:14:11 Not speaking to your child is painful.
01:14:16 Losing your mama and the doctors asking you questions about what's running in your family is stupid.
01:14:23 You don't get a second chance to correct this.
01:14:29 You have more mercy for the people you serve than the people you love.
01:14:38 The people you serve can tell you anything and the people you love can't tell you nothing.
01:14:48 I'm challenging you.
01:14:50 How many of you perceive this to be the Word of God?
01:14:57 It's raw, it's real, it's not professional.
01:15:03 It's just what I learned in 41 years.
01:15:05 I'm not out of school yet.
01:15:08 That's right.
01:15:11 You're so crazy.
01:15:15 I'm not out of school yet because of the turns keep coming.
01:15:19 Just when I have mastered one stage, I'm a master, a rabbi at one stage.
01:15:27 Then I hit another stage and I'm a fool again.
01:15:31 This is my mantra.
01:15:34 I got this from Andy Young through John Hope Bryant.
01:15:39 I adopted it. I'm trying to live by it.
01:15:42 I haven't mastered it, but I remind myself of it every day.
01:15:47 I want to leave it with you.
01:15:51 Speak without being offensive.
01:15:57 Listen without being defensive.
01:16:01 Always leave your opponent with their dignity.
01:16:12 Andy Young is 90 some years old.
01:16:16 It brought him to the 90s when most of us die in our 70s.
01:16:23 Say it with me.
01:16:25 Speak without being offensive.
01:16:30 Do you believe you can do that?
01:16:32 Good.
01:16:34 I have to repeat this almost every day.
01:16:38 Sometimes on the spot in the middle of the day because the wrong person ran up on me,
01:16:42 or because I have strong feelings about something, or because I was hurt badly by something you did,
01:16:48 and my natural reaction is to be offensive.
01:16:52 I tell myself, "Speak without being offensive."
01:16:58 Here's another hard one.
01:17:00 Listen without being defensive.
01:17:05 That's a hard joker right there.
01:17:08 Because you ran up up here, you said something I know what to say back,
01:17:13 and I can't say it back, and I got to sit there and let you just go off on me.
01:17:19 Maybe it's not hard for you to go against my nature, my whole nature.
01:17:24 I start sweating, perspiration break out on my forehead, my lips start quivering.
01:17:29 I say, "All right.
01:17:31 Speak without being offensive.
01:17:34 Listen without being defensive."
01:17:38 Watch this.
01:17:39 "Even if there is no resolution, always leave your opponent with their dignity."
01:17:47 Say that.
01:17:48 "Always leave your opponent with your dignity."
01:17:53 If there is no resolution, you don't have to decapitate me.
01:17:58 Leave me like you found me.
01:18:01 Because if you leave me, okay, without my dignity, don't be shocked when I come for you.
01:18:12 Because you left me without my dignity.
01:18:17 So we're going to rehearse this.
01:18:19 Speak without being offensive.
01:18:21 Speak without being offensive.
01:18:24 Now that means you're going to have to go back and edit your Instagrams and all that stuff you said,
01:18:28 and go down in the comments section because you already messed this up.
01:18:32 Again, speak without being offensive.
01:18:38 Hard part.
01:18:40 Listen without being defensive.
01:18:45 Don't let who said it or how they said it get in the way of what they said.
01:18:50 The way to listen without being defensive is to not let who said it or how they said it get in the way of what they said.
01:18:59 So I am trying to listen without being defensive.
01:19:04 So that means while they're talking to me inside story, I'm having an argument.
01:19:09 I'm telling myself, "Shut up. Shut up."
01:19:13 Don't presume to know what they meant.
01:19:19 Look at it from their perspective.
01:19:23 Helps me not to be defensive because when I look at it from my perspective, you're assaulting me.
01:19:29 When I look at it from your perspective, I become a student of your point of view.
01:19:37 Listen without being defensive.
01:19:40 And always leave your opponent with your dignity.
01:19:44 And I'm going to tell you why.
01:19:47 God said to me, which is really what started the writing of disruptive thinking.
01:19:54 He said, "When you pray for growth, I will always answer with disruption."
01:20:07 The more you pray for increase, the more you pray for growth, I will answer with disruption.
01:20:13 Watch this. Next thing he said, "Do not allow the disruption to become a distraction."
01:20:22 Because if you allow the disruption to become a distraction, this is not God, this is me.
01:20:26 If you allow the disruption to become a distraction, you will think that solving the disruption is the victory.
01:20:36 So I'm after something and you're talking about it.
01:20:41 And I stop being after it to change your mind and fight against you being against what I'm doing.
01:20:49 Then I allow you to become a distraction.
01:20:51 So suppose I win the argument and I change your mind, I still lost what I was after.
01:20:58 So I can't allow the disruption to become a distraction.
01:21:04 I can't get into a Twitter fight while I'm closing a deal.
01:21:11 Because if I win the Twitter fight and lose the deal, what do I get for changing your mind?
01:21:18 Nothing.
01:21:20 So I want to listen without being defensive because that's a distraction.
01:21:30 God said, "When you pray for growth, I will answer with disruption.
01:21:36 Don't allow the disruption to be a distraction because in every ..." I hate to give it to you, but I'm going to give it to you.
01:21:46 And it led to the writing of the book.
01:21:49 He said, "In every disruption, I have hidden an opportunity."
01:22:02 For every person who is living through a disruption right now, somewhere in that disruption is an opportunity.
01:22:11 If it's nothing but an opportunity to be a better person, it's an opportunity that if you fail this test, there will be a deficit.
01:22:23 Yes, you can live without me.
01:22:26 I can live without her.
01:22:28 It would be hard.
01:22:29 It would be painful, but I can live without her.
01:22:32 I lived 24 years without her.
01:22:34 She can live without me.
01:22:37 But it would be a deficit on my children, on my image, and on me.
01:22:47 She can live without me, but it would be a deficit.
01:22:52 She would roll over at night and want to talk about something that only she and I remember.
01:22:58 And even if she got biceps and triceps and all kind of stuff laying beside her, he don't
01:23:05 remember.
01:23:06 And I put sugar in his gas tank too, so he can't go.
01:23:17 Who is this for?
01:23:25 Can you come closer to me?
01:23:32 Before the Bible describes the church as the church, the first thing God creates is the
01:23:42 family.
01:23:45 The Bible says the family in whom all heaven and earth is named.
01:23:55 When Jesus says to his disciples, when you pray, say, "Our Father," he says it in part
01:24:02 because he wants you to understand that we share the same Father.
01:24:12 You may not look like me, I'm picking on you because you're white and you just happen to
01:24:15 be standing here.
01:24:18 See, don't confront.
01:24:22 You may not look like me, but we share the same Father.
01:24:28 We're family.
01:24:30 I may not speak your language.
01:24:34 I may not cook chicken the way you do, but we're family.
01:24:41 We are ... The whole creation is family.
01:24:48 If you're from the continent of Africa, holler at me.
01:24:56 What we fighting about?
01:25:00 We family.
01:25:03 Just because I moved across the waters, didn't even want to go.
01:25:09 Now I'm another people?
01:25:11 If your child moves to California, aren't they still your child?
01:25:16 You're family.
01:25:21 I went to Africa to find out where soul food came from.
01:25:26 African food is some variation of soul food.
01:25:31 Yams and greens and pepper soup and fufu.
01:25:39 Fufu, my ... Joll of rice.
01:25:43 Yeah, yeah, I know.
01:25:46 I know the deal.
01:25:47 I'm cousin Joe.
01:25:50 Yeah, yeah.
01:25:54 We're family.
01:25:56 Asian, Latino.
01:26:00 My Latinos in the house, make some noise.
01:26:04 I see you, I feel you.
01:26:08 Buenos dias.
01:26:09 I'm out of Spanish, take it.
01:26:10 That's all I got.
01:26:11 Muy bien.
01:26:12 Kido ablos.
01:26:13 I speak little Espanol.
01:26:14 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:15 I'm a native of Africa.
01:26:16 I'm a native of Africa.
01:26:17 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:18 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:19 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:20 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:21 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:22 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:23 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:24 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:25 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:26 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:27 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:28 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:29 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:30 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:31 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:32 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:33 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:34 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:35 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:36 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:37 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:38 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:39 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:40 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:41 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:42 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:43 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:44 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:45 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:46 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:47 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:48 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:49 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:50 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:51 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:52 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:53 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:54 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:55 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:56 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:57 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:58 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:26:59 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:00 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:01 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:02 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:03 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:04 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:05 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:06 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:07 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:08 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:09 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:10 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:11 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:12 I'm from the continent of Africa.
01:27:14 His wife is Brazilian.
01:27:17 She has become my daughter.
01:27:20 I love her.
01:27:22 We are family.
01:27:25 Almost every Brazilian that comes to Texas goes to my church at least once.
01:27:31 Canada in the house, make some noise.
01:27:40 One of the most beautiful places.
01:27:43 I shot movies up there.
01:27:45 I ate up there.
01:27:46 I had a time up there.
01:27:47 I loved it up there.
01:27:49 Our Tory program went to your parliament to introduce a change in the policies for reentry
01:27:56 in Canada.
01:27:57 I love you.
01:27:58 I am with you.
01:27:59 I have an office in Canada.
01:28:02 I have outreach in Canada.
01:28:04 I care about Canada.
01:28:06 Europe in the house, make some noise.
01:28:10 Yeah, it's Fabio.
01:28:12 I preach in London, Paris, yeah, Great Britain.
01:28:23 I have an office in Great Britain.
01:28:28 I reach around the world.
01:28:30 I'm global.
01:28:33 We are family.
01:28:36 Congo, we are family.
01:28:42 Kenya, we are family.
01:28:46 Ghana, we are family.
01:28:51 Nigeria, Nigeria.
01:28:58 My great-great-grandmother left your country, an Igbo slave.
01:29:07 We are family.
01:29:12 Look how God blessed his children this week.
01:29:27 Now we're going back to the front lines.
01:29:32 I've got a daughter recovering from a terrible divorce, emotionally distraught.
01:29:39 Yes.
01:29:41 Thank you.
01:29:52 Thank you.
01:29:54 She's been through trauma, shock, horror, disgust.
01:30:03 She wrote that book Spiritual Warrior and the demons from hell came out to fight her.
01:30:15 Nobody can pray like Cora.
01:30:19 Thank you.
01:30:21 I wish she had to be in Houston this week, but I wish you would go on her page and tell
01:30:45 her you love her.
01:30:47 Would you do that for me?
01:30:50 Just tell her you love her.
01:30:57 There's all kind of blogs and all kind of lies and all while they're shooting at us,
01:31:07 we can't say nothing.
01:31:09 Half true, half a lie, you can't defend yourself because if you defend yourself, you're going
01:31:13 to make it bigger.
01:31:16 You have to hold your peace and let the Lord fight your battles.
01:31:19 After you suffered a while, he said, "I'll establish you and make you perfect."
01:31:24 You understand what I'm saying?
01:31:28 My greatest weapon is my silence, but when the time is right.
01:31:35 You're going back to the front lines and all of us have a story.
01:31:43 Most of us have multiple stories at the same time, but we're better equipped.
01:31:52 We got away.
01:31:55 We got refreshed.
01:31:57 We got fed.
01:31:59 We got fed before everybody starts pulling on us and calling us and drawing us and texting
01:32:05 us and yanking after us.
01:32:07 We got some me time.
01:32:09 Me time isn't always a spa and a jacuzzi.
01:32:12 We got fed.
01:32:14 We got fed.
01:32:15 We got fed.
01:32:16 We got fed.
01:32:18 Nona, we got fed.
01:32:19 Thank you for feeding us.
01:32:20 Thank you for pouring into us.
01:32:22 Thank you for teaching us.
01:32:23 Thank you for talking to us.
01:32:25 Thank you for using your gifts in the house of God.
01:32:28 We got fed from you.
01:32:30 Yes.
01:32:38 Mama, they've been hearing from me all week.
01:32:42 I never thought I'd meet a mother that I would put on the same level as my own until I met you.
01:32:57 And it wasn't just when I met you, but as we did life together.
01:33:04 As I watch what you value most, I'm a better person because of you.
01:33:10 My wife had a pinched nerve, L3, and she couldn't feel in her fingers and they had to do back
01:33:30 surgery to correct it.
01:33:32 And when she came out of anesthesia, all the kids were wrapped around the bed and I was
01:33:38 too.
01:33:39 And she woke up and she started touching them in the face.
01:33:44 And the first thing she said is, "I can feel my children."
01:33:57 I backed off against the wall because that was a mama moment.
01:34:03 That was a womb moment.
01:34:07 That was carrying them in my body moment.
01:34:12 If I got my feelings back, I probably would say, "I want to eat."
01:34:17 I love y'all kids.
01:34:19 I love you, but you know.
01:34:22 My wife act like feeling the face of her children was heaven.
01:34:27 And she touched all of them in the face and they were crying and she was crying and I
01:34:33 was crying and I was watching the beauty of motherhood.
01:34:38 That I got to see that twice in my own mother and in you.
01:34:45 As a mother in Zion.
01:34:49 As a strong woman.
01:34:52 As my mama would say, no offense y'all, a strong black woman.
01:34:57 A Nubian queen.
01:35:01 Yeah.
01:35:08 I want you to pray over your sons and your daughters.
01:35:15 There are sons in here that miss their mama's touch.
01:35:20 It used to be that we only had father hurt.
01:35:27 Now there are many sons in here who have mama hurt.
01:35:33 Miss her.
01:35:35 Misunderstood by her.
01:35:38 Longed for her.
01:35:41 Buried her.
01:35:45 Trust her.
01:35:49 Can't find her.
01:35:53 You've heard enough from a father's voice.
01:35:58 I tried to be a father as I fathered my daughters to women I couldn't even see.
01:36:03 Text me and wrote me that when I laid hands on my daughter, I laid hands on them.
01:36:12 When I described a father's love, it filled your heart while it was feeling hers.
01:36:17 Because you never got to hear that.
01:36:20 I meant that.
01:36:23 From the depths of my soul, I modeled that in all of my flaws and imperfections.
01:36:28 I'm not trying to pass myself off as nothing special, but one thing I have right.
01:36:33 I love my children.
01:36:38 (applause)
01:36:42 I'll never be jealous of them a day of my life.
01:36:49 And whenever you say, "Our father," let that relationship be healed.
01:36:56 Because it is possible to have a father's love without being abused in a father's lap.
01:37:04 (applause)
01:37:07 You've heard enough from fathers.
01:37:11 We're going to close this meeting with a mama prayer.
01:37:18 A woman who has prayed us through hell and high water.
01:37:29 A woman who has literally woken up in the middle of the night and got up out of a sick bed
01:37:35 and rebuked devils off of our kids and prayed in the middle of the night.
01:37:41 A woman who sleeps with her hand in my back, reminding me I got you.
01:37:50 Three o'clock in the morning.
01:37:56 Support.
01:37:59 I'm not going to give it to you.
01:38:02 For the next few minutes I'm going to loan it to you.
01:38:06 And if you miss your mama's voice, receive it in her voice
01:38:13 as she prays the closing prayer of the International Leadership Summit for 2023.
01:38:25 Take it with you.
01:38:27 Jesus, we adore you.
01:38:32 We appreciate you so much.
01:38:36 There's none like you, God.
01:38:42 And as we gather today, we say, "Thank you, Lord."
01:38:52 You've been so good.
01:38:57 So patient.
01:39:00 So kind.
01:39:04 You've loved us, protected us, kept us, molded us, made us, breathed into us the breath of life.
01:39:21 And God, as we depart, not from your presence never, never, but from this place,
01:39:34 this Jaira moment where you've provided for us
01:39:43 a safe place among safe people where our hearts can be broken
01:39:56 and mended all at the same time.
01:40:03 Where our lives could be rearranged and put back together at the same time.
01:40:11 God, nobody could do that like you.
01:40:18 And we thank you.
01:40:21 And we praise you.
01:40:24 And we love you.
01:40:29 Great God, move in us.
01:40:35 Revive us.
01:40:38 Remind us that you're close.
01:40:45 That you're closer than close.
01:40:49 Just the mention of his name.
01:40:54 [praying in tongues]
01:41:06 Help me.
01:41:09 Hold me.
01:41:15 Lead me.
01:41:22 I don't know my way, God.
01:41:25 I don't know where I'm going.
01:41:29 I don't know who's for me.
01:41:32 I don't know who's for me.
01:41:36 But if you are for me.
01:41:48 If God is for me, then who, who can be against me?
01:41:59 [music]
01:42:09 [MUSIC]