Turkey Sandwich of Justice - You Suck at Cooking (episode 52)
Category
🦄
CreativityTranscript
00:00 To make a turkey sandwich of justice, you're gonna need all of the ingredients from a turkey dinner.
00:04 But since making a full turkey dinner is a lot of work,
00:07 step one is to trick someone into making a full turkey dinner for you.
00:10 Thanks, Mom.
00:11 One approach is to check your book of favors to see who owes you one.
00:15 This approach is risky because it opens the door for someone to call on you for a favor in the future,
00:20 which is totally unacceptable.
00:22 A better approach is to use the power of the subconscious mind.
00:25 For example, instead of saying, "I'd really like to hang out with you this weekend,"
00:30 say that while weaving in the sentence, "Please make me a turkey dinner."
00:33 So it comes out as, "I'd please really make like me to hang turkey out with dinner you next weekend."
00:38 If they call you out on what appears to be a bad sentence,
00:41 publicly humiliate them for not being up on millennial language trends.
00:44 Then hundo pee dipsec 'cause you can't even.
00:46 Another approach is to invent a fake holiday that revolves around eating a turkey dinner
00:51 and pressure a friend to participate.
00:52 Call it something like "Thank Turkey Day" or "Yummy Turkey Dinner Sharesies Day"
00:56 or "Gangstiving" or some other dumb name.
00:59 If that fails, it's time to try to trick yourself.
01:01 Say things like, "This will be fun" or "It won't be that much work"
01:05 as you head to the grocery store full of naive optimism.
01:07 Step two is to secure the leftovers.
01:10 The most straightforward way is to wear a Tupperware bodysuit to dinner.
01:13 If someone calls you out on what you're wearing,
01:15 publicly humiliate them for not being up on millennial fashion trends.
01:18 Another approach is to simply slip the food into your pants bag.
01:22 This is the benefit of keeping the food warm until you can safely escape.
01:25 The final and most covert way to secure the leftovers
01:28 is to have a second stomach surgically installed.
01:31 Simply swallow your food into the second stomach and regurgitate the ingredients later.
01:35 Warning, this method is a bit pricey.
01:38 Step three is to walk through a cornfield wasteland while contemplating your death.
01:42 Step four is to secure a private location.
01:44 If anyone sees you making a turkey sandwich of justice,
01:47 they're gonna want to bite and this is not the time to share.
01:49 Hello?
01:50 What are you doing in there?
01:51 Um, just playing poker with myself.
01:53 Okay, I need to piss.
01:54 Okay, I'll be out of here in ten.
01:55 Thanks.
01:56 The fifth and final step is to assemble the turkey sandwich of justice.
02:00 We're gonna start by pulling the turkey apart.
02:02 If you put one big slab of turkey onto a sandwich,
02:06 I hope you live in a world with a different set of physics
02:09 because everything's just gonna squirt out of the sandwich.
02:11 You really want to have high-density awareness when you make this sandwich.
02:14 Take some tinfoil and put the turkey down in the shape of your bread.
02:20 The nice thing about cold mashed potatoes is it's easy to make perfect flat slices.
02:24 Spoon on a layer of gravy, aka stuffing glue,
02:28 and mix in a little hot sauce.
02:30 Gently press on a layer of stuffing.
02:32 Now grate some cheddar on top.
02:34 Sweet lord almighty, what have we done?
02:36 Now you want to pull this off of the table and onto your hand
02:40 and put it in the onion on low, say 250 or 300.
02:44 Thinly slice some dill pickles.
02:46 A couple minutes before it's fully warmed up, toast some bread.
02:49 As soon as it's out, I'm hitting the bottom with mayo and the top with sour cream.
02:53 You want to do this right away so the bread doesn't dry out.
02:55 Then take your hot ingredients of justice and lift that into place.
03:00 Smother this with cranberry sauce.
03:02 Layer the dill pickles.
03:04 Ah, how can you not love the contrast of these colors?
03:07 Put in some salt, some pepper, pepper, pepper.
03:10 Throw in our sour cream bread and give that a nice slice.
03:14 Let's do a structural integrity test.
03:17 I'm one-handing this with a very loose grip and I've got approximately zero problems.
03:23 And there you have it, the turkey sandwich of justice as designed by my friend Ryan.
03:27 Justice is served and I'd just like to wish everybody a happy yummy turkey dinner Sharesies Day.
03:32 Enjoy.
03:34 You suck at yummy turkey dinner Sharesies Day, oh my god, you
03:40 You suck at yummy turkey dinner Sharesies Day, oh my god, you suck
03:46 so much at yummy turkey dinner Sharesies Day, you
03:51 suck so much at yummy turkey dinner Sharesies Day, you
03:59 you
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